


Palo Alto

by NachoDiablo



Series: Hella-Verse [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Asexual Character, Asexual Sirius Black, Black!Remus, Come on, Desi!James and Sirius, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Jealous Sirius Black, M/M, Pansexual Remus, Slow Burn, Trans Character, Trans!Lily, and lots of weed, but I'll mark it out in case you wanna skip it, but for now it's just drug use and cussing that you need to worry about, but he's totally gay for Remus, he's figuring things out, it's NorCal, mostly a lot of fun and fluff, ok the smut is happening, ok this got angsty, very awkwardly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-10-07 20:35:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 110,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10368891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NachoDiablo/pseuds/NachoDiablo
Summary: Modern AU set in Silicon Valley.It's easy for Sirius to ignore his mixed-up feelings while he's got Remus all to himself, but when Remus starts dating again, Sirius is forced to figure things out before Remus moves on for good. Or before James and Peter strangle them both.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Situations based on my experiences in the weird hippie/corporate cyclone that is the Silicon Valley tech industry.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr (@nachodiablo) for my headcanon castings (tagged #Palo Alto).
> 
> I've also made a Spotify playlist for the songs featured:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> A million thanks to my betas, Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus, and reachthetree, who are truly awesome writers as well!

**_Monday, March 10, 2014, 7:00 am_ **

 

Sirius groans into his pillow as the alarm on his phone screeches loud enough to shatter glass. Or at least loud enough to shatter his throbbing brain into a million pieces. After four tries, he is able to silence the alarm as he lies on his back, rubbing his eyes and surveying his surroundings blearily.

 

He’s in his own room, which is good. James is lying in bed with him, his head at the foot of the bed, his dirty feet shoved into Sirius’ face, which is not so good, although not altogether unexpected.

 

“Prongs. Time to get up.” Sirius digs a fingernail into James’ heel, making him shriek as he kicks towards Sirius’ nose.

 

“Fuck, Pads. S’not time to get up yet, we only went to bed a few minutes ago.” James is hanging halfway off the bed, groping around for his glasses, his hair sticking up wildly. “Ugh. Every Sunday, Moony warns us that we should take it easy, and every Monday, I curse us for not listening to him.” He groans, stretching a bit. “Damn it, Pads, how old is this fucking mattress? Worse than sleeping on a garbage bag filled with packing peanuts. Should’ve bunked with Moony. One of the Prewetts was entertaining a guest in my room last night. Might have been both Prewetts, actually. Might have been five Prewetts.”

 

Sirius fumbles at his nightstand for a hair tie, pulling his long, tangled locks into a messy bun. Spotting a glass of water, he grabs it and brings it up to his lips to take a sip. “I’m parched. My mouth is like a desert. A desert that’s caught on fire. In the middle of August. On the sun.”

 

“Pads, that’s not water, that’s vodka, I think.”

 

“Even better.” Sirius throws back the liquid with a grimace, standing up and stretching. “Come on, get your ass in gear. You take the first shower, I’ll wake Moony.” Sirius shoves James the rest of the way off the bed, ignoring the curses as he stumbles around his bedroom, rummaging through his drawers until he finds a clean t-shirt to pull over his head. Once he hears the shower water running, he heads out of the bedroom towards the living room. He makes his way over to the sound system, turning on his Spotify and jamming his phone into the hookup, making his way to the kitchen over the rhythmic thumping of N.E.R.D.’s  _ Lapdance _ .

 

“Morning, Pads. I’m making waffles, do you want some?” Peter is barefoot and shirtless in the kitchen, a bright smile on his face as he leans against the counter filling his vape pen with pot, James’ rugby sweats resting snugly around his hips.

 

Sirius scowls. “Why the fuck are you still here? I told you, you need to start sleeping in that stranger-danger van of yours. I’m tired of waking up to your ugly face every morning. And you’re not making waffles, you’re putting Eggos in the fucking toaster.”

 

Peter looks indignant as he passes the pen to Sirius, who takes it with a frown. “They aren’t Eggos, dude, they’re the organic waffles, with flax seed and stuff. You all need to be upping your omega threes, especially Moony.”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes, passing back the pen. “Moony’s not going to eat that shit, especially not while he’s off his meds. I’ll make him his smoothie once I get him up.”

 

“Cool. I bought some spirulina powder. You should throw this in, tons of protein, and it’s good for autoimmune conditions.” Peter holds up a bag of what looks like powdered moss.

 

Sirius throws a hand towel at Peter’s face. “I’m not putting whatever the hell that actually is into Moony’s smoothie, Dr. Oz. You’re so full of shit. Reading the labels on the bulk bins at Whole Foods doesn’t make you a nutrition expert.”

 

Peter balks a bit. “Hey, I got it from James’ acupuncturist. It’s legit.”

 

“An endorsement from an acupuncturist makes me even more skeptical. The quack probably emptied the contents of his vacuum into a bag, dyed it green, and put a $40 price tag on it. Same as you do with that cutty ditch weed you sell to the high school kids.”

 

James comes into the kitchen, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair wet and bedraggled. “Waffles? Yesssss! You’re a treasure, Wormy.”

 

Peter drops two waffles onto a frisbee, pushing them over to James along with the syrup and butter. “At least someone here appreciates my mad cooking skills. We’re out of clean plates, sorry Prongs.”

 

James waves a hand carelessly. “Doesn’t matter. Frisbees and plates are interchangeable here at casa de marauders. And disregard Padfoot’s tastes. Just listen to this music. Pads, do you ever listen to anything that was recorded in this decade?”

 

Sirius snorts. “I know you’re not hating on Pharrell. Besides, Pharrell recorded  _ Happy _ in this decade. I’ll take his old stuff over that, thanks.” The song switches to Bear Hands’  _ Giants _ . “There we go, some Moony-tunes are playing. That’s my cue to leave you shitheads here with your cardboard waffles and wake him up.”

 

James raises an eyebrow. “You gonna make him his smoothie this morning?”

 

Sirius knits his eyebrows together. “Yeah, don’t I always?”

 

James and Peter say nothing as they exchange a knowing look. Sirius punches James on the arm, hard, before stalking out of the room. “I fucking hate you both,” he calls over his shoulder.

 

Sirius does not like it when James and Peter speculate on his relationship with Remus. He’s Remus’ best friend. He’s the one who takes Remus to the doctor and sits with him while he’s waiting to get his blood work done. He’s the one who drives Remus to his vegan meetups, since Remus does not have a driver’s license. He’s the one who lays his head in Remus’ lap when they watch horror movies so that Remus can run his fingers through Sirius’ hair, yanking on it during the particularly gory and scary parts.

 

It’s almost as if they’re dating. It’s all the best parts of dating, really. Except they definitely are  _ not  _ dating. And they won’t ever be. Because if they were to start dating, then they’d have to discuss … the other thing. The thing that Sirius doesn’t discuss with anyone, because it’s none of their fucking business, and besides, it doesn’t make any sense. Not even to himself.

 

Sirius slides silently into Remus’ room, even though he knows Remus has to be awake by now. There is no sign of movement from the lump of blankets in the center of the bed. Sirius sits down gently next to the lump, resting one hand lightly atop the pile before he begins to viciously poke at it with his fingers. “Moony, time to get up. You taking a shower? If so, you’d better hurry up before I use all the hot water.”

 

“You know you don’t bathe, you mangy mutt.” Remus’ words are muffled beneath the blankets. “It can’t possibly be time to get up yet. I just went to bed five minutes ago, lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of a Prewett orgy in Prongs’ room.”

 

Sirius wrinkles his nose. “Fucking gross, Moony. C’mon, I know you’re cranky, but you’ll be even crankier if we’re late.”

 

“We’re late every day.”

 

“And you’re cranky every day.” Sirius pulls Remus’ covers off with a flourish, causing Remus to throw a pillow at his face before stretching out on the bed, grinning and running his hands through his tight curls.

 

“Fine, I’ll get in the shower, but I’m using that fancy bath jelly you got from Lush.” Remus stands up, bending down slowly to touch his toes and wincing slightly as he rolls back up to standing.

 

Sirius frowns. “You feeling okay this morning, Moony? Any pain?”

 

Remus shrugs, a humorless smile on his face. “A bit, but nothing major. I’ll be glad when I get the MRI done this week. Hopefully insurance will approve the TNF inhibitors this time. Fucking tired of dealing with those jackasses, Pads. Being off meds sucks.” Remus begins rummaging through a laundry basket, looking for a pair of boxers that are clean, eventually pulling out a black pair that Sirius knows are his. He pushes the thought out of his mind, trying not to blush.

 

“Do you need a ride to the doctor this week, then? You didn’t mention it. I can drive you, just let me know when it is.”

 

The ghost of a smile on Remus’ face widens into a genuine grin. “You don’t have to, Pads. Stanford med will send a cab.”

 

Sirius smirks. “Yeah, but then I don’t get out of work. Lily won’t give me any shit if she knows I’m taking her precious Rem to the rheumatologist. And we can grab lunch. Maybe stop for vegan cupcakes?” He flashes a winning grin, one he knows Remus won’t be able to say no to.

 

Remus sighs, throwing his head back dramatically. “Fine, Pads, you can escort me. But you’re paying for lunch. And you’re not allowed to ask the doctor if you can have a bag of tongue depressors to bring home.”

 

“You drive a hard bargain, Moony, but I accept. Now get your ass in the shower. Your smoothie will be ready to go when you’re out.”

 

Remus rolls his eyes. “I’m capable of feeding myself, Pads. But thank you. I don’t know how you manage to get the fruit-to-greens ratio so perfect. Mine always taste like grass clippings.”

 

Sirius bites his bottom lip as he tucks a stray lock of hair behind his ear. “No worries, Moony. We all have our own gifts. Blending kale seamlessly into a smoothie just happens to be mine.” 

 

He turns and saunters back to the kitchen, where he begins rummaging through the fridge, ignoring Peter’s babbling about some girl he was talking to last night as he tosses vanilla soymilk, kale, banana, mango, hemp seeds, and almond butter into the blender.

 

_ Partition _ by Beyonce kicks on through the sound system, and James glides out of his room, wearing only plaid boxers and socks, gyrating his hips as he sings along. Sirius pretends not to notice. Feeding James’ constant thirst for attention only makes it worse. He continues to pretend not to notice when Peter begins to lip sync along, doing some sort of weird raver moves that make him look like he’s being electrocuted. 

 

He can’t keep a straight face, however, once Remus rolls out of the bathroom, in a white tshirt and Sirius’ boxers, and begins grinding exaggeratedly with James, his natural grace making the ridiculous moves look beautiful, if a bit stiff from his illness, as he grabs the vape pen from Peter and inhales, not missing a beat. Remus relaxed and laughing is a sight that Sirius sees far too little of these days, since he’s been off his meds. Sirius begins to pelt them with balled up napkins and take-out duck sauce packets as he snickers and mocks their questionable dancing skills.

 

**_Monday, March 10, 2014, 9:17 am_ **

 

“Is that a parking spot? Fuck, no, it’s another Smart car. Why do so many people drive to work when the company gives us free train passes?” James is fuming as he navigates his Prius through the Godric Media parking lot, trying halfheartedly to avoid his slow-moving coworkers walking in the middle of the road.

 

“Maybe they all missed their trains and had to drive in because their roommates threw exploding duck sauce packets at them during breakfast and they had to retake their showers.” Remus is slumped in the back seat, stunners perched on top of his beanie as he screws around on his phone.

 

Sirius scoffs in mock indignation. “Hey, how was I supposed to know that they’d explode? They can withstand being smushed under four orders of vegetable lo mein during the bumpy car ride from the restaurant to our house, but they can’t take one little catapult across the kitchen? That doesn’t make any sense, Moony. It defies the laws of physics. Surely you can’t blame me for a literal scientific miracle occurring in our very own kitchen?” 

 

Sirius’ tone is lighthearted, but he’s sneaking glances back at Remus through the rearview mirror, trying to gage whether Remus is truly irritated or not. Seeing the corners of Remus’ mouth turn slightly upwards makes him relax slightly. He is fairly certain that Remus is not really angry with him. Not that he ever is. Remus has endured far more than a duck sauce fight gone awry from his friends. Not that this was the first duck sauce fight they’ve ever had. Not that this will be the last one they’ll ever have, for that matter.

 

“Aha! Got one!” James swerves into an empty parking space, cutting off an Acura that Sirius can see is being driven by a scowling Hestia from accounting. “Come on, grab your shit and get inside before Lily notices we’re late.”

 

The boys hurry through the main doors, waving hello to Poppy, the office manager who’s been with the company since it was run out of the CEO’s garage. Sirius gives her a wink, making her roll her eyes even as a faint blush appears on her cheeks. “You’re late again, but you’re in luck. Minerva won’t be in until lunch, and Lily’s been in the kitchen for the past twenty minutes. Be quiet and maybe she’ll think you got here at nine.”

 

“You’re the best, Poppy!” James grins as he ruffles his hair, running to their cubicle and dropping his messenger bag on his desk. “Alright, Moony, hurry up and pick out your tea. I’ll rev up all the laptops and pull up Excel sheets so it looks like we’ve been working. Pads, stick the rubber rat under Snape’s desk.” 

 

Remus gives James a salute as he pulls open his top drawer, rummaging through the innumerable containers of fancy tea that he’s managed to collect over the past year or so. Once word got around the office that Remus was a bit of a tea snob, people started bringing him back unusual or interesting teas from their business trips. He gets some very nice blends as gifts from clients during the holidays as well. James and Sirius do not get personalized gifts from the clients. Sirius surmises that this is because Remus has never told a client that they were being deliberately obtuse, or accidentally cc’d a client on an email with the subject line “WTF i hate ths ppl r they on crack???!!!111”

 

Sirius is pleased when Remus chooses one of the flowering teas that Sirius bought him for his birthday. “Come on, Moony, let me drop this rat off at Snape’s desk, and then we can get our caffeine fix.”

 

In the kitchen, Remus gives a warm hello to Lily, Marlene, and Snape, who are sitting at the table chatting about some charity 5k coming up. Sirius nods at the group, not caring for Lily’s tight-lipped smile or Snape’s glare as he punches the buttons on the coffee machine for James’ horrid mocha-espresso-French vanilla combo.

 

“So, you finally made it in, eh? I’m surprised you got here before lunch. I left at two last night and you all were still going strong.” Marlene’s grinning as she flips her silky black hair over her shoulder, her almond eyes dancing with amusement.

 

“We’ve been here since nine, actually. Had some issues rebooting my laptop, so Sirius and James had to tinker with it a bit. It’s handy having your own personal IT support team.” Remus is smiling guilelessly, his eyes slightly widened into that angelic expression that makes Marlene and Lily instantly soften, though Snape’s sneer remains firmly on his greasy face.

 

“How are you feeling, Rem? Are you coming to yoga today?” Sirius rolls his eyes at Lily’s inquiry. Marlene has just been certified as a yoga teacher and has started running informal classes on Mondays and Wednesdays during lunch. Sirius appreciates that yoga helps Remus with his joint pain symptoms, but he dislikes having to eat lunch alone with James twice a week. James ends up spending the whole time ranting about how it’s not fair that he’s been banned from yoga ever since the handstand incident, which ended in bloody noses (Snape’s), shouting (Lily’s) and tears (James’).

 

Remus nods as he sits down between Lily and Marlene so they can watch his tea flower as the bloom opens up. “Yeah, I’ll be there. I need it today, I’m pretty stiff. Oh, by the way, I’ve got my MRI on Thursday at two. Sirius is going to drive me, is that okay?”

 

“You don’t have to ask her if it’s okay, Moony. Lily isn’t the boss of us.” Sirius’ smirk takes the edge of his words. He likes Lily alright. She’s nice to Remus, and Sirius supposes that he can’t fault her for finding James so annoying. Still, it wouldn’t kill her to loosen up a bit.

 

Lily raises an eyebrow, matching Sirius’ smirk. “Go ahead and tell Minerva that, and see what she says.”

 

Sirius flashes his most winning smile, which does not affect Lily in the slightest. “You know that Minnie loves me, Lily.”

 

“Not as much as she loves me.” Sirius chuckles, conceding that this is true. Officially, Lily is Executive Assistant to the Chief Revenue Officer. Unofficially, Lily is Minerva’s second in command, keeping an eye on the team when Minerva is out, dealing with the most difficult clients, and tracking quarterly revenue targets like it’s her own money. Minerva is always dropping hints about Lily eventually heading down the path leading towards sales manager, but Sirius is constantly having to listen to Lily and Remus stress over the pros and cons of re-entering academia, so he’s pretty sure Minerva is going to be disappointed in the long run.

 

“Regardless, of course you can leave early on Thursday, Rem. It should be a pretty quiet week, I can help James cover while you two are out. Will you be feeling well enough for hitting up the city afterwards? Dorcas wants to check out a new bar in the Castro that has dancing. She says it’s supposed to be trans friendly, no creepy fetishists or anything, so maybe I’ll get to actually dance without having to punch anyone out.”

 

Remus perks up as he sips his tea, gripping the mug tightly in his hands. “You know I don’t miss queer Thursdays. I’ll be good to go. Just let me know what train you’re taking and I’ll be on it.”

 

Lily is smiling as she stands to refill her coffee mug. “Alright, I’ll text you. You need to get out of that house full of straights and mingle with your own kind more often.”

 

Remus laughs. “They’re not all straight!” Sirius freezes for a second, gripping James’ horrid coffee concoction in his hands as he holds his breath. Remus can’t mean him, can’t possibly mean him, he doesn’t  _ know _ , no one does, because if they knew, then they’d find out the other part, and they  _ can’t _ know that part-

 

“I’m pretty sure Peter’s bi, or pan, or something.”

 

Sirius lets out a relieved snort. Remus doesn’t know. He won’t ever know. “Peter is desperate. That’s his orientation.”

 

Remus shakes his head, but he’s still grinning. “Peter’s not  _ desperate _ , he’s just … he was talking to that girl last night, and he was seeing that barista from San Jose a few months ago. He does alright.”

 

“That barista was blowing him for free weed, Moony, that doesn’t count as a real relationship.”

 

Remus shrugs. “They hung out, watched movies, went out for dinner. Sounds like a relationship to me. Just because it’s not a relationship you’d want, doesn’t mean it’s not a real relationship. He was happy enough with the arrangement.”

 

Sirius doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. Relationship talk makes him irritable. Remus hasn’t dated, as far as Sirius knows, in about six months. Not that he ever  _ dated _ , really, he was always more of a short-term, casual hookup type. Every Thursday that Remus heads into the city for a queer night out on the town, Sirius remains at home, glowering at James and snapping at Peter, worrying that this will be the time Remus brings someone home again. Still, these past six months have been quite pleasant for Sirius, with no one else to interrupt his time with Remus. He needs to change the subject away from  _ relationships _ , lest Remus decide that he wants one again. 

 

Luckily, at that moment, James comes barrelling into the kitchen at top speed. “BFD! It’s time!” He’s waving his iPhone around in the air frantically. “Tickets are going on sale! Peter’s uncle at the radio station can get us a discount. Who’s in?”

 

Snape, who has been scowling into his coffee mug throughout most of the previous banter, lets out a disgruntled huff. “It’s just a concert, Potter. One that’s held every year. It’s not like the tickets are that expensive. There’s no need to come in here hollering like a maniac.”

 

“No one’s asking you to come along, Snape. I was talking to the ladies. Marlene, are you and Dorcas in? Lily, what about you? Phantogram will be main stage this year, and I know you love them. If you’re planning on going, you might as well let us buy your ticket and save a few bucks.” James is grinning wildly, running a hand through his hair as he shifts from foot to foot.

 

Lily isn’t saying anything, as she chews on her bottom lip, seemingly deliberating on how to respond. Marlene pipes up in the meantime. “Sure, James, let me know how much I owe you for two. Dorcas and I are down. You throwing the after party? Last year’s got hella wild.” Marlene is grinning, leaning back in her chair and wriggling her eyebrows. Sirius wrinkles his nose. She’s definitely thinking about the threesome she and Dorcas had with that Suicide Girl in Remus’ bedroom. It had very nearly taken place on a raft in the middle of the pool, before Lily had convinced them to find somewhere more private to avoid photographic evidence landing in the hands of their coworkers.

 

Sirius shudders internally at the thought. Sleeping with one person is tedious enough to deal with, but two? He doesn’t see the appeal. More work than it’s worth, surely. Then again, what does he know? Not much, that’s for sure, especially compared to these fools.

 

“Well, Lily? What do you say, let me buy your ticket?” James is staring intently at Lily, hope plastered across his face so pathetically that Lily closes her eyes and sighs deeply.

 

“Fine, James. Go ahead and buy my ticket. I’m not going to miss Phantogram. Might as well save a few bills.”

 

James’ eyes widen in shock. “You- definitely, yes, I will get your ticket, don’t even worry about it, it’s all good, don’t sweat it, I will have the ticket-” He cuts off as Sirius jabs him sharply in his ribs. “Er, will you come along to the after party? Marlene and Dorcas will be there, probably a few other Marketing people, maybe some Product folks, so you’ll definitely know people, and it’ll be tight, I swear, and if anyone give you shit I’ll banish them to Peter’s van for the night, so it’ll be-”

 

“Alright, James. I’ll come to your party. Just- go back to work, before that disgusting, jacked-up coffee of yours goes cold.” Lily stands up, dropping her coffee mug in the dishwasher before heading out of the room towards the Sales area.

 

James stares after her for a bit, before breaking into a silent victory dance, rolling his shoulders and swiveling his hips. Sirius shoves him, causing him to trip over the trash can while Marlene bursts into a fit of giggles as she rummages through the cabinets for her beloved Nutter Butters. Remus snickers as he refills his tea mug, stepping on James’ foot deliberately in the process. Snape rolls his eyes, walking over to the coffee machine for a refill.

 

“Lily may be going to your mess of a party, Potter, but that doesn’t mean she likes you.” Snape is sneering as he stalks out of the kitchen. James, Remus and Sirius trail behind him, close enough for James to loudly whisper into Snape’s ear. 

 

“She doesn’t like me yet because she doesn’t know me yet, not really. She knows you, and she still doesn’t want to fucking date you. Suck on that.” James bops Snape lightly on the nose with his finger as he trots back to his desk.

 

Remus sighs as he settles into his swivel chair, scrolling through his emails, chin resting in his hand. “I swear, if I get one more complaint from Disney about their impression count, I’m going to stop flagging the porn sites for their campaigns. I don’t care if ads for Doc McStuffins end up on MustacheRides.com.”

 

Sirius sniggers as he flags several annoying emails to be ignored until Friday. “You will do no such thing, Moony. Your stellar work ethic will stop you from doing anything to anger the clients.”

 

James chuckles as he deletes his voicemails without listening to them. “Moony, you’re such a softie. Honestly, if you ever-”

 

“AUGHH WHAT THE FUCK!” Snape’s voice carries across the office, echoing from the Business Development area all the way to the Sales corner. “Potter, you fucking- this is the fifth time I’ve found that damn rat under my desk! IT’S NOT FUNNY!”

 

“If it’s not funny then why are we laughing?” James asks with a grin. Sirius is snickering as Remus rolls his eyes and presses his lips together to keep from smiling.

 

“Because you’re immature, that’s why.” Lily is standing behind James now, narrowing her eyes. “Honestly, you have been hiding that rat under people’s desks for the past three months, even though I keep confiscating it. Isn’t that prank tired by now?” She marches over to Snape’s desk to grab the rat from him, exchanging an exasperated look with the greaseball before stalking back to Minerva’s office to lock it in her bottom drawer. Sirius is fairly certain that Lily knows they can pick any lock in the office, but he supposes she takes comfort in the illusion of privacy anyway.

 

“Don’t insult our skills, Lily. The rat’s not a full-scale  _ prank _ . It’s merely a light-hearted tradition. And if it’s so tired, why does everyone still lose their shit when they find it under their desk?”

 

“Because it’s hella creepy, that’s why.” Her phone makes a pinging noise, causing her to glance down and grimace. “Ugh. Just- go back to your work James. I’ve got to go beg IT to reset the passcode remotely on Slughorn’s Blackberry for the third time this year.” Lily strides out the back door towards the IT lair across the courtyard.

 

“Whoa, I was wrong, Potter. She’s definitely warming up to you.” 

 

James glares at Snape’s goofy looking gloat. “I dunno, Snape, she was probably too busy swooning over your impressive shrieking and hand waggling when you saw the rat. Very sexy stuff.”

 

Snape is sneering now. “Fuck off, Potter. You’re so fucking juvenile.”

 

James shrugs. “It’s part of my charm. By the way, you owe me $50 for the office March Madness pool. Might as well slip it right into my pocket, because there’s no way Florida is winning.”

 

Snape snorts. “It doesn’t start until next week. We have plenty of time, so get off my back. Besides, what do you know about basketball, anyway? Didn’t you play croquet or some foofy shit in college?”

 

“I played  _ rugby _ , the baddest, bloodiest sport there is, you moron. You’d have lost your front teeth in the first practice, if your clumsy ass ever made it onto the field in the first place. I’ve seen you in yoga class, it’s like watching a wasted giraffe trying to do a shoulder stand. I also know every statistic to every sport that’s been played since caveman times, and you fucking know this, so don’t test my skills, and heed my warning when I tell you that the Huskies are taking it  _ all _ this year. And don’t forget to print out your bracket and give it to me with the cash. I’m not trusting a bunch of tech nerds not to hack the online brackets when they realize they’ve fucked up. I’ll need to see proof of picks before declaring the winners.”

 

Snape rolls his eyes. “Paranoid, much? I’ll get the money to you when I have the time.”

 

“Well that  _ time _ better be before Friday, or you’re out of the pool. That good for you?”

 

James and Snape stare each other down for a few minutes before Snape sighs. “Yeah, fine, I’ll have it by Friday.” He sits back down and shoves a pair of earbuds into his ears, plugging the other end into his computer. Sirius and James peer at him from the edge of their cubicle, while Remus ignores them all, typing away at a text message.

 

As Snape begins to work, the opening chords of Miley Cyrus’  _ Wrecking Ball _ can be heard filtering softly through the white noise speakers. The marauders bite back their smirks as their fellow coworkers glance around at each other curiously, trying to figure out why they are being serenaded by top 40 hits.

 

Remus clicks send on his text, causing several people to check their pinging phones. Sirius smirks as he checks his own phone to read what Remus has sent to the select coworkers who are chill about the marauders’ attempts to liven things up around the office.

 

_ This morning’s musical stylings are coming at you from the desk of Severus Snape. No requests, please.  _

 

James sighs heavily. “See, Pads, now here’s a decent prank, and Lily’s not even here to see it.” 

 

Sirius kicks at James’ chair so it rolls away from the desk. “She’d make us fix it. No sense of humour. I don’t know what you see in her.”

 

James throws his stress ball at Sirius’ face. “You’re a miserable curmudgeon bachelor who breaks women’s hearts before you even talk to them long enough to tell them to go away. What do you know about romance?”

 

Sirius catches the stress ball in his left hand, chucking it across the room towards the Product cubicles. Neither of them bother going to pick it up. It’ll get tossed back eventually.

 

“We’re young, Prongs. We’re not supposed to be thinking about romance or relationships. We’re supposed to be going out and having fun, not worrying about commitment or dating.” Sirius is flicking paper clips at the wall of his cubicle, but one eye is trained on Remus, who is doing his best to ignore the both of them. 

 

He hopes Remus is absorbing his not-so-subliminal messages. Maybe they won’t ever be a couple, but Sirius doesn’t see why they can’t be best friends and roommates forever. Remus has already mentioned that he does not want kids, not with his mess of a genetic pool, and eventually he’ll be too old to go trolling for ass at the clubs, and then it would just be the two of them, once they kick out James and Peter, and even if it’s not  _ everything _ that Sirius wants, maybe it could be enough, and he’d never have to deal with all the rest of it-

 

“Augh!” James has stuck a push pin into his elbow. “What the fuck, Prongs?” 

 

“Pay attention and you won’t get poked,” James answers calmly, as Snape’s playlist in the background switches over to a Pitbull remix. “As Moony and I were beginning to discuss while you sat there staring at the blank wall like you were waiting for an acid trip to kick in, our BFD after party has to be epic this year. The best party we’ve ever thrown. The best party that anyone has ever thrown in the history of the valley. And the city. All of California. Possibly in all of the world, ever.”

 

“I’m fairly sure several Roman emperors beat you to it,” Remus responds dryly as he folds a Post-It into a paper plane. “Personally, I’d just like to have one year where we don’t have to clean any vomit out of the pool the next morning.”

 

“Moony, how can a party be epic without at least one person barfing in the pool?” Sirius grins as Remus throws the paper plane at his head, where the sticky part tangles in his hair. He doesn’t bother pulling it out.

 

“Well, we’ve got three months. Start up a new Pinterest board, Prongs. I’m sure we’ll come up with some good ideas by June.”

 

“One step ahead of you, Moony.” James is grinning as he turns his laptop to show them his latest Pinterest board, entitled  _ GET LIT BFD 2014 _ . “I’m pinging Marlene and Dorcas, the Marketing team always has bomb ideas. Moony, you and Peter work on the playlist and the smoke supply. Maybe some other party favors as well, but nothing too hard, and VIP friends only for anything other than weed. I’m not dealing with people who can’t handle their shit. This is going to be a classy, upbeat party. No lightweights or downers.”

 

Sirius is silent as James and Remus continue to chatter on about how many Kendrick songs Remus is allowed to add to the playlist. He is thinking of last year’s party. Some busted blonde had been hanging all over Remus, giggling and running her hands along his arm. Sirius had been forced to push her into the vomit section of the pool to get rid of her when Remus excused himself to the bathroom. 

 

Hopefully, he won’t have to resort to such tactics this year. He’s usually fine with Remus occasionally hooking up with someone, really, it doesn’t bother him all that much, but BFD is the marauder’s night. It’s their thing that they do together, just the four of them, every year since they were eighteen, and their after party has become a thing of legends amongst their friends and coworkers, according to James anyway.

 

Sirius looks over at Remus, who’s rolling his eyes and laughing at something James is saying. A small smile creeps onto Sirius’ face. Maybe Remus would understand, if he knew about Sirius. Maybe he’d be okay with it, with the fucked up way Sirius works. Maybe he’d be down for something unconventional. 

 

Maybe not, though. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampires and voicemail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my betas Wereflamingo, reachthetree and Mirgaxus for keeping me honest. #writergang 
> 
> No trigger warnings! Just sit back and enjoy the boys being ridiculous.

**_Friday, March 14, 2014, 7:05pm_ **

 

“Pass the pipe down this way, Prongs. You and Wormy are monopolizing it.” Sirius leans back in his beach chair, craning his neck to catch James’ eye, two seats away between Remus and Peter.

 

“What are you gonna do about it if I don’t pass it down?” James is smirking as he takes another hit, leaning his head back, watching the smoke drifts upward.

 

“I’ll push you off this fucking roof, that’s what.”

 

James scoffs. “Pads, if you can’t reach me to grab the pipe, how the fuck are you going to reach me to push me off the roof?”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “I’ll find the strength to get up and make my way over there. Ass.”

 

“You’ll fall off the fucking roof before you get to me.”

 

“Hey, I haven’t fallen off yet.”

 

“None of us have, and I’d like to keep it that way, thank you. I spend enough time at Stanford med as it is.” Remus’ response is delivered in a light tone, but Sirius is instantly contrite, and James silently passes Remus the pipe to hand along to Sirius.

 

The roof is their quiet place. Well, not completely quiet, as Remus has his indie alternative music playing, but peaceful, certainly. Four beach chairs are permanently perched on the flattest section, where the marauders can oversee the end of downtown Palo Alto, where the venture capitalists heading to business dinners meld with the hipsters in search of overpriced coffee and sushi burritos.

 

James picks up a tennis ball that somehow made it up to the roof and starts tossing it in the air. He groans as  _ Fitzpleasure _ by alt-J starts playing. “Moony, change the music. I’m tired of this emo crap.”

 

Remus snorts. “ _ Emo? _ This music is not  _ emo _ , Prongs. I don’t know if you’ve ever insulted me more than you have just now with that comment.”

 

“Whatevs, Moony. This song is messed up. I’ve looked up the lyrics and there should be a trigger warning before listening. Kinky sex with a broom is not appropriate listening material for all audiences.”

 

Remus sighs, closing his eyes as if asking for the gift of patience from a higher power before he starts flipping through his Spotify playlists. “The song isn’t meant to be taken literally, it’s- you know what, never mind. I’ll just put on the Truce playlist. Besides, now that alt-J has been featured on an episode of the Vampire Diaries, they’ve lost some of their cred.”

 

James smirks. “What about your cred? Are you really going to pretend like you’re not on the couch with me every week watching that show?”

 

“Hey, Thursday evening at eight o’clock is when I like to relax in the living room. If the Vampire Diaries happens to be on at that time, then so be it. It is merely a coincidence, and I don’t appreciate you insinuating otherwise.” Remus is biting back a smile as he reaches out to take the pipe from Sirius. Sirius maintains a neutral expression as their fingers brush together.

 

“You know you can’t resist Katherine’s sassiness, Moony. Or Damon’s, for that matter. You never could say no to a dark haired bad boy.” James is wriggling his eyebrows, purposefully not looking over at Sirius so as not to be burned by the scorching glare Sirius is shooting his way.

 

Remus is chuckling. “You’ve got me there. The people on that show are all so pretty. I wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed.”

 

Sirius is smirking and laughing as James makes a few more lewd comments, but privately, he’s weirded out by the whole thing. Sirius supposes that he can appreciate the aesthetic appeal of attractive people, particularly a hot dude, but it doesn’t make him want to run to the bathroom and jerk off, and he certainly doesn’t want any of them in his bed, getting his good sheets all sweaty.

 

Remus flips on the Truce playlist, a hotly debated, vetted list of songs that all four of them are able to listen to without complaining. Any grievances, additions or subtractions to the list can only be brought up during designated meeting times, when everyone is sober and chill enough to act rationally and not throw anyone’s Fitbit into the pool the way James did that one time Peter suggested adding a dubstep song to the list. Things had escalated quickly that day. 

 

The first song that kicks on is  _ Discipline _ by Nine Inch Nails, an artist that shows up frequently on the Truce playlist, as the songs are angsty enough for Sirius, creative enough for Remus, mainstream enough for James, and singable enough for Peter. Sirius hastily changes the subject away from which fictional vampires his friends would want to bone if they had the chance.

 

“What’s for dinner? Moony, you want me to pick up from Oren’s Hummus? We haven’t had that in awhile.”

 

Remus turns to smile at Sirius, but before he can answer, Peter pipes up.

 

“Monty swung by while you guys were at work. He was on a baking kick again, so we have a shit ton of roti, and of course Effie made curries to go with it. Think one of ‘em is that tofu makhani with the coconut milk, Moony, your favorite, and one’s a green bean dish.” 

 

“Dad stopped by while we were at work? I mean, I know he doesn’t miss  _ me _ , but you’d think he’d wait to stop by until his favorite child was home.” James throws the tennis ball at Sirius, who catches it with one hand, smirking. 

 

“Don’t look at me, Prongs, I haven’t been the favorite child since Moony charmed them with his nerdy bookworm ways.” Sirius tosses the ball gently to Remus, who promptly squeezes his eyes shut, not bothering to raise his hands to attempt a catch as the ball hits him in the chest before rolling down to his lap, onto the roof, and into the gutter.

 

Remus stands up, stretching a bit. “Let’s go heat up some dinner then. I’m starving. Are we doing anything tonight? I’m pretty beat, so if you’re having guests over I’ll hole up in my room and get some reading done.”

 

Sirius, James and Peter exchange a few concerned glances. Sirius knows that Remus tries to play off his fatigue as best as possible, but he still worries when he sees the dark circles rimming Remus’ eyes, the stooped shoulders, the tired smile.

 

Sirius clears his throat. “I was actually thinking it’d be nice to stay in and have a marauder movie night. A bunch of new ones just came out this week. I’m pretty tired as well, and if we’re dragging our asses up to the city tomorrow to get the concert tickets, I want to take it easy tonight.”

 

“The newest Hunger Games is available for rent. Catching Fire. That sound good to everyone?” Peter raises his eyes from his phone to gage the others’ reactions.

 

James swings his legs over the edge of the roof and half climbs, half falls down the ladder to the backyard. “Sounds good to me. I’ll start reheating everything. Wormy, you order the movie and set up the sound system. Louder this time. I want my eardrums to burst during the action scenes.”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Prongs, you won’t be satisfied until we’re- Moony, wait a sec, I’ll go first.” He hastily hurries over to the ladder before Remus can begin his descent. Within five seconds, Sirius is on the ground, nervously eyeing Remus’ slightly shaking frame as he makes his way down the ladder, slowly and carefully. 

 

Once he’s off the ladder, Remus brushes the knees of his jeans carefully, looking over at Sirius and smiling warily. “I wasn’t going to fall, Pads. I’m always careful.”

 

Sirius scowls. “I know that, Moony. I just- I just didn’t want to be the last one down. Not everything is about you, you know, as fascinating as you are.” He snickers as Remus punches his arm lightly, wishing he could grab that hand and give it a squeeze. Instead, he moves the ladder away from the edge of the roof, pretending not to hear Peter’s complaints until Remus eventually throws a pool float at him and forces him to put the ladder back.

  
  


**_**FLASHBACK, 2 YEARS PRIOR**_ **

 

**_Tuesday, April 17, 2012, 2:37pm_ **

 

Sirius and James have finished their meeting with Godric Media’s Chief Technology Officer, and are now wandering through the halls, peering into offices, looking for Remus. James tosses a cheeky wink at a short woman with silky hair and almond eyes, who wrinkles her nose in disgust at him as she brushes past them in the hallway.

 

“Well, what do you think, Pads? Flitwick’s not bad, eh? Seems chill enough. He was laughing when he said he’d heard about the company picnic last summer. Maybe this company will appreciate our talents.” 

 

Sirius smirks. Godric Media is not the biggest tech company in the valley, nor is it the flashiest, but after three years of internships, the list of companies willing to consider taking on James and Sirius has dwindled considerably. The valley is worse than a preppy high school when it comes to gossiping. 

 

Last summer, they had burned through three companies. Their departure from the second company had happened at the company’s summer picnic, after a foam machine prank had gone awry. Rather than covering the pool with a fluffy layer of bubbles, the machine had backfired, spraying foam all over the buffet tables. Their manager had not-so-politely asked them to leave before they’d even had a chance to finish their slightly-sudsy dessert.

 

This summer, however, will be their last summer before graduation next year. It’s time to get real about their future, roll up their sleeves, and make an effort at cultivating some decent experience. So says Remus, anyway. Remus, who is also applying for an internship here, in the sales department, having suffered an existential crisis about the depressing lack of tenure-track academic positions available.

 

“Flitwick was fine, Prongs, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all the same shit at every internship. Do some bitch work, collaborate on some pointless project that Human Resources makes you present to the executives, three quarters of whom don’t show up, eat as many meals as possible from the free snacks in the kitchen, wheedle the marketing interns to give us the good promo swag, learn very little, accomplish even less, add another company to my resume, feeding into the endless waste cycle that is corporate America.”

 

James rolls his eyes. “You should’ve given that spiel to Flitwick, he’d have hired you on the spot.” He perks up, grabbing Sirius by the arm. “Look, there’s Moony. I still can’t believe he wore a tie. No one wears a tie in the valley, especially not one that heinous. He looks like he’s headed to a funeral for a fashion victim.”

 

James and Sirius make their way over to a corner office with floor to ceiling windows and a glass door. The executive chair behind the desk is empty. Remus is sitting in one of the chairs on the other side of the desk, which are upholstered in a bright blue. Sirius hates all the bold, primary colors that so many tech companies choose to decorate with. It makes him feel like he’s in a preschool, which actually isn’t that far off the mark when he thinks about it.

 

“Excuse me, Mr. Lupin, you need to vacate the premise immediately and head to the nearest bar at your earliest convenience, because it’s time to get wrecked.” James has pushed open the door and is speaking in a deep, pompous tone of voice. 

 

Remus jumps in his seat before narrowing his eyes at them. “Get the fuck out of here, you two! The CRO will be here any minute, and I don’t want to have to explain why I’ve brought my babysitting charges along with me to an interview.”

 

Sirius laughs, dropping into the chair next to Remus, brushing a non-existent piece of lint from Remus’ shoulder. “Moony, the whole reason we’ve even got these interviews is because dad knows the CEO from his venture capital days. He and old Al go way back. You know they went on an IPO roadshow together? They’ve got to have a bunch of dirt on each other after that. Like, the dirtiest blackmail secrets ever, Moons.”

 

Remus chuckles. “I highly doubt that Monty Potter has ever done anything worthy of blackmail. When he was in Las Vegas for the CES conference, he FaceTimed us from his hotel room at nine every evening, in his robe and bunny slippers, squealing about his hot cocoa from room service.”

 

James scoffs. “That was all a ruse, Moony. As soon as he hung up with us, he tossed off his robe, threw on a pair of leather pants, and rolled down to the clubs to get wild.” He makes his way behind the desk, picking up the receiver from the phone and fiddling with the buttons. “Heh, all these TeleFone systems are the same. Hella easy to hack.” 

 

James pushes a few more buttons before speaking into the receiver. “Hello, you’ve reached Godric Media’s Psychic Hotline. Your reading for the day is as follows; beware of the carnitas tacos, stay away from the numbers four and sixteen, and yes, your SmartTV is indeed recording you as you sit in your living room eating pork rinds in your underwear.” He hangs up the phone with a snicker.

 

Remus is glaring, biting his lower lip roughly. “Damn it, Prongs! Why do you have to do something like that every time? Maybe you two don’t care about going through internships like toilet paper, but I need to get some sort of actual work experience on my resume if I’m ever going to get a job after graduating with a useless degree.”

 

Sirius feels his stomach tighten. “Moony, a political science degree from fucking Stanford is not going to be useless. Besides, I thought you wanted to be a professor, doing research and publishing papers and teaching the next generation how to save the world through a combo of diplomacy and revolution?”

 

Remus sighs deeply. “Pads, there are going to be hundreds of people in my position, graduating from a top school with the same degree as me, and we’ll all be applying for about five positions, if we’re lucky. And, spoiler alert, as much as the media wants you to think academics are a bunch of hippie liberals, it’s not so easy for a black kid from Oakland to be taken seriously. Add in my health issues, which people aren’t supposed to consider, I know, but they  _ do _ , Pads, I see it in their pitying faces, and I’m looking at five very polite rejection letters. Again, only if I’m lucky.”

 

Remus’ face is screwed up in worry, teeth clenching his bottom lip so tightly that Sirius fears he’ll draw blood in a moment. Sirius reaches up to brush his fingers through Remus’ curls, letting his hand fall to his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze that he hopes Remus will take for a friendly gesture, rather than whatever the hell it actually is that Sirius is feeling.

 

“Moony, you- I’m not going to say it’ll be easy, but for fuck’s sake, you can’t just give up before you’ve tried. I’m not saying to throw your backup plan out the window, but keep it as a backup plan. There’s no harm in trying for what you really want.”

 

Remus smiles sadly. “There  _ is _ harm in it, Pads. It’ll get my hopes up, and then I’ll just be even more fucked up when it doesn’t pan out. Because it won’t.” He sighs deeply. “Look, just get out of here before you blow this for me. I feel guilty enough accepting a favor from your dad; I’d like to at least be able to pretend that I got the job partly based on my own merits.”

 

James comes over, resting his hand on Remus’ other shoulder. “No worries, Moony. We’ll leave you to it. I’ve got to text that girl I met on OK Cupid anyway. Think we’re going to try and meet up this weekend. Pads, you want me to see if she has a friend for you? Might do you some good to get out and get laid.” James makes a lewd hand gesture, his eyebrows wriggling up and down.

 

Sirius narrows his eyes at James, who merely grins wickedly. Fucking James. Sirius has never given any indication over the ten years they’ve known each other that he’s anything other than straight as an arrow. He’d learned that lesson long ago. Still, somehow, James knows. Sirius isn’t sure how, exactly- maybe he caught a glimpse of Sirius sneaking away with one of his experiments during college, maybe he’s noticed Sirius’ complete lack of interest in any of the women that throw themselves at him when they go out- but James definitely knows that Sirius is hella gay. 

 

But James is wrong, isn’t he? Gay dudes want to bone other gay dudes, and Sirius isn’t tempted by any of the men that come up to him when they go out, either. James has to have noticed that as well. Regardless, no matter what James thinks- and Sirius can’t be sure exactly, because James’ mind is a twisted, chaotic place- he is constantly taunting Sirius with comments about attractive women, trying to goad him into admitting his preferences. 

 

He probably assumes that Sirius is ashamed of liking men, what with the Black family’s history, but for fuck’s sake, they live in the gayest damn area of the United States, and Sirius has never given a shit what his family thinks about him anyway, not one bit. Sirius Black is not afraid of admitting he’s probably gay. It’s everything else that will come out after that confession that he’s scared of.

 

No, not scared. Just … it’s not anyone else’s business, that’s all. Fuck James and his big nose, getting all jammed up into everyone else’s sex life. Or lack thereof.

 

“I don’t want to go out with some random girl you met on OK Cupid. Honestly, Prongs, you keep going on these dates, and they all end disastrously, yet you never learn your lesson. How many times do you have to be abandoned at a bar, or pick pocketed, or catfished, before you learn that true love will not be found on a fuck-buddy site?”

 

James sighs deeply. “Pads, you wouldn’t know true love if it sat down next to you and smacked you upside the head.”

 

Sirius flushes a bit at this. Surely James isn’t saying that because he is sitting next to Remus. Fuck. He’s not that observant. Besides, Sirius has been very careful to monitor his behavior, and it’s not like he’s drooling over Remus’ ass or anything. That’s not what he’s interested in, at least not completely, although if he’s being honest with himself, maybe there is some interest, but  _ ugh _ , he’s thought that before, and it never works out, and it’s just fucking awkward-

 

Before anyone can supply another sarcastic quip, a girl with long red hair comes striding into the room. She looks at James and Sirius questioningly. “Um, Remus, I just wanted to let you know that Minerva will be a few minutes late… I’m sorry, are you two lost? Are you looking for someone?”

 

James smiles brightly as he holds out a hand. “Hi there, I’m James Potter, and this is Sirius Black. We’re interviewing for internships, and just wanted to swing by and check on Remus.” James squeezes Remus’ shoulder again, but the redhead is narrowing her eyes at him.

 

“Potter? James Potter of the 2011 foam disaster?” She stares intently at James, who starts to blink nervously, darting his eyes around the room, landing on the phone for just a second too long, long enough for the girl to follow his gaze and notice that the receiver is slightly askew.

 

The girl marches over to the phone, picking up the receiver and dialing a few numbers, never taking her eyes off James. Her eyes widen as she listens to the outgoing message, and although she seems angry, Sirius notices that she’s also biting back a tiny smile. She pushes a few buttons before hanging up the phone with a bang.

 

“I don’t know what sort of game you three think this is, but if you-”

 

“You knew? How’d you know that I changed the message? That was amazing.” James’ face is filled with awe as he stared at the redhead, and Sirius can almost see the little hearts forming in his eyes.

 

Redhead rolls her eyes. “I thought you two were supposed to be master pranksters? Your poker face is for shit. And don’t think you’re the only one around here who messes with the voicemail systems. You’re not special. Now, if you don’t mind, maybe you three should gather your things and get out of here.”

 

Remus’ face falls as his hands grip the sides of his chair. Sirius feels his stomach sinking. He doesn’t want Remus to lose this opportunity because of them. Just as he’s about to plaster on his most charming smile for an apology, a woman appears at the door, with a tight graying bun and a flowing earthen shaded dress that is at odds with her stern expression.

 

The stern woman raises an eyebrow. “Lily, which of these young men is Mr. Lupin, and why is there a Potter in my office?”

 

James brightens considerably. “Minerva? Nice to meet you, although I’m told we’ve met before. I’m James.” He holds out his hand for Minerva to shake warily.

 

“Yes, Mr. Potter, the last time I saw you, you were running around your backyard in your underwear, crying because someone had stolen your popsicle. What brings you to my office today?”

 

James grins widely. “Well, Minerva, my good friends and fellow Stanford students, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, are here to apply for internships with your department.”

 

Minerva raises one eyebrow skeptically. “I thought you were looking for an engineering internship? Was that not stimulating enough for you, so you figured you’d try out the glamourous life of customer service sales support?”

 

James sneaks a glance at the redhead- Lily is her name, Sirius figures, based on Minerva’s earlier comment- before turning back to Minerva. “Actually, Sirius and I were just discussing our meetings so far with Remus, and we really feel that with our technical background, we’d be assets to the customer service team. Our knowledge of the back-end of things will allow us to better assist the customers, and of course, we’ll be able to get a feel for how the company runs as a whole, you know, get a full-scope look at the inner workings of a tech company. Everyone knows the sales team carries the company. Without revenue, there would  _ be _ no company. It doesn’t matter how great your product is if you can’t sell it.”

 

Minerva’s lips are pressed together tightly as she flicks her gaze back and forth between Sirius and James for a few seconds before letting out a small sigh.

 

“Very well. Let me speak with Mr. Lupin first, as he’s the one who actually took the time to make an appointment. Once we’re done, I will speak to you both briefly, and we’ll see if you’d be a good fit for the team.”

 

Wordlessly, she moves to sit at her desk, while Lily grips James and Sirius firmly by their arms, steering them out of the office before closing the door.

 

“Fabulous. Self-entitled Stanford snobs with a family connection. We just love your type around here.” Lily is glaring at the two of them, but James isn’t fussed by the contempt oozing from her pores.

 

“Wait and see, Lily- may I call you Lily? I’m going to call you Lily. Lily, I am a complete delight, and I’m thrilled to know we’ll be working closely together. Perhaps we should get together this weekend to get to know each other better? Here, take my phone, and text me your number. I’ll hit you up and let you know the details.” 

 

James unlocks his phone, pulls up the new contact form, and passes the phone to Lily, who promptly presses a few buttons before handing it back and stomping down the hall without so much as a backwards glance.

 

James glances down at the screen to see the new contact added: Go To Hell, 1-800-FUCKOFF. He sighs dreamily as his gaze drifts back up to watch Lily’s figure disappear down the hall. “I’m in love, Pads. For real, this time. Start writing your best man speech.”

 

Sirius replies by wordlessly grabbing James’ phone from his hand, dropping it to the floor, and kicking it straight down the hall. As he watches James go after it, he groans inwardly. He’s not sure if he’s ready for another James Potter Wooing Fest.

  
  


**_Saturday, March 15, 2014, 11:37am_ **

 

“Our station is next, guys.” Peter has his nose pressed to the window, peering out as the train starts to slow during the final stretch of the track into King Street station.

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “The city’s the last stop, Wormy. I don’t think we’ll miss it.” He wishes there were a few more stops to go. Right now, Remus is sitting in the seat next to him, leaning against the window, his feet resting in Sirius’ lap as he scrolls through his phone. Every so often, he will give Sirius a light kick in the ribs or knee, grinning as Sirius responds with a sharp poke to the shin. 

 

Once the train pulls into the station, the marauders spill out into the street. Remus stretches as he looks around happily, taking in a deep breath. “We’re not in a rush, are we? Can we walk to the radio station? We can take Embarcadero and enjoy the view of the bay.” 

 

Remus is smiling so brightly that none of the marauders have the heart to complain about the walk. Sirius and Remus walk ahead, pointing out the most ridiculous facial hair they can spot on the hipsters milling about the piers, while James and Peter trail behind, discussing the company March Madness basketball pool that Peter is now somehow involved with.

 

Sirius shifts his eyes sideways towards Remus. “How are you feeling, Moony? Not stiff today?”

 

Remus shrugs, still smiling. “A little, but the walking helps. It feels good to move around. Besides, I don’t mind the pain so much, knowing that it might actually be ending soon.” He chuckles. “I didn’t know getting shitty MRI results could make me so happy.”

 

Sirius wrinkles his nose. “You’re happy that your MRI results were shitty? What’s that mean?”

 

Remus chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “It’s proof, Pads. Proof that I’m actually sick, not just making it up. Proof that the new meds my doctor wants me on might actually help. It’s a validation that, hooray, I’m not losing my mind, or being a drama queen, my joints are actually inflamed. Scientifically.”

 

Sirius grins. “Well then, I’m glad you’re scientifically fucked up, Moons.” He shoves Remus on the shoulder lightly, making him stagger a bit before straightening up in excitement.

 

“Plant Cafe! I forgot that was up this way. Can we stop and get a juice before we head to the station?” Remus is already headed towards the takeout window of the cafe before anyone can object.

 

Peter sighs. “Can’t you wait until lunch, Moony? The line’s long, and I’m already hungry as it is. Sooner we get these tickets, the sooner we can all eat.”

 

Sirius scowls. “Moony needs to keep his strength up, Peter. I’ll wait in line with him. If you’re hungry, we’ll grab you something, or you can go and grab a taco or some shit.”

 

James opens his mouth to retort before something catches his eye, making him perk up. “The  [ Exploratorium ](https://www.exploratorium.edu/) ! We haven’t been there in forever, guys! Come on, Wormy, let’s see if they have any new exhibits, and then I’ll find you a taco somewhere less pretentious.” He drags Peter towards the Exploratorium, leaving Sirius and Remus to wait in line at the Plant Cafe.

 

Remus rummages through his bag and pulls out his vape pen, taking a hit before passing it to Sirius. “Here, hold this? I’m going to run to the bathroom. If you get to the front of the line before I get back, order me a Spicy Red with Green juice.”

 

Remus heads towards the public restrooms, not noticing the stares of the two girls who are sitting on a bench outside the cafe’s takeout window. Sirius notices them. He always notices them. There are always people sniffing around Remus. Something about him draws people in somehow. Sirius does not like it. Today is a marauder day, not a day to be dealing with randoms.

 

Sirius is annoyed to see the two girls getting up from their bench, making their way over to him coyly. He groans inwardly. He knows where this is going. It always goes the same way.

 

One of the girls, who has dark, curly hair, is the one to speak first. “Hey, um … I’m Harmony, and this is my friend Jenna.” She gestures to the girl next to her, who has straight, silky hair dyed a pale blue.

 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Okay then.” He turns back towards the cafe, hoping they’ll take the hint and leave, but they don’t. These types never do.

 

The curly haired one giggles. “Um, your friend … the one who stepped out for a sec … is he seeing anyone?”

 

Sirius is irritated. These girls see two dudes standing together, in the gayest fucking city in the US, and they don’t assume that Sirius and Remus could be a couple? That’s straight up prejudice, because he and Remus could be a couple, theoretically. It could be plausible. If Sirius weren’t so fucked up.

 

“Yeah, he’s seeing someone. Me.” Sirius glares down at the girls, willing them to go away quickly, before Remus returns.

 

The girls titter at each other, exchanging glances. “Oh, we’re sorry. You guys are so cute together, we should have guessed.” The blue haired one is smiling genuinely, and Sirius can’t help but blush a bit.

 

“Yeah, well, go ahead and get out of here before I get in trouble for flirting.” Sirius flashes a winning smile at the girls, who laugh good naturedly before heading away.

 

Remus returns shortly after, shaking his head with a smile. “I swear, Pads, you’re constantly beating off chicks with a stick. How are you still single?”

 

Sirius grins. “I’m spoiled for choice, and yet every girl I meet is less appealing than the next. I don’t have to settle for mediocrity, Moony. I’ll wait until I find the right one.”

 

Remus is not looking at Sirius, but there’s a small smile on his face as they finally make it to the front of the line to order their juices. 

 

Eventually, the marauders regroup, juices and tacos in hand as they find themselves at the back door of the Live 105 radio station building. Peter pulls out his phone and starts texting.

 

James pushes against the door, finding it locked. “Is Bob going to come let us in this year, or do we have to stand outside and wait by the dumpsters like usual?”

 

Sirius snorts. Every year, James acts all indignant about dealing with Peter’s uncle Bob for the BFD tickets, and yet every year, they find themselves skulking around the same alley.

 

After a few minutes, the door to the station opens, and Peter’s uncle steps outside. He’s tall and thin, stooping a bit, with long, thinning blonde hair, black rimmed glasses, and a yellow-toothed smile. He’s wearing a grey janitorial jumpsuit, holding a manilla envelope in one hand and a mop in the other, which he uses to prop the door open.

 

“Pete! Hey there, little nephew. You got some green for me? Man, this is a long shift, you know, and I need to relax. Too much stress isn’t good for you, remember that as you get older. Then again, it’s a long shift, so if you’ve got something to keep me going, that’d be nice, too.”

 

James rolls his eyes as Peter hands over two baggies, one filled with pot, one holding a few small white pills. Bob immediately opens the pot, sniffing it and examining it closely. Sirius rolls his eyes. Some people sure are fucking picky about the quality of their free drugs.

 

Satisfied, Bob pops one of the pills and slides both bags into his back pocket. “Alright now, what do we have here, let’s see.” He opens the manilla envelope, peering inside and pulling out a stack of papers. “Eight tickets to BFD, twenty bucks a pop, that’ll be one sixty total.”

 

Sirius, Peter and Remus exchange glances, but of course, James has to open his fucking mouth.

 

“Twenty bucks each? You said they were thirty bucks.”

 

Bob blinks, scratching his head. “Oh yeah, right … yeah, they’re thirty each, man.”

 

James is glaring. “Are you sure you don’t mean twenty? Or ten? Shit, man, how much do these actually cost?”

 

Bob looks around shiftily. “Well, you know, we get an employee discount, it’s like … it’s pretty good, man, you know, these ain’t the shitty lawn tickets. These are dead center, row six.”

 

Sirius snorts derisively. “So how much did you pay out of pocket for them, Bob? We’ll give you ten bucks on top of your face value.”

 

Bob shifts uncomfortably. “Well, it’s a special discount,  _ very _ special, so, uh … look, let’s just go with the twenty apiece, okay? No questions. You’re good boys. I got you a hella good deal. We cool?” He passes the ticket printouts over to James, who flips through them before stuffing them back in the manilla envelope.

 

“How do we know these tickets will even work? Are they legit, or did you draw them up in Photoshop, you shady motherfucker?” James’ tone is sharp, but he’s grinning.

 

Bob laughs. “Come on, dude. I take care of you guys every year. You always get in. You know they’re legit.” He claps James on the shoulder. 

 

James chuckles. “Alright, you old fart, here’s the cash.” He reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wallet and counting out the appropriate number of bills. He hands them over to Bob with a handshake and a pat on the back. “Nice doing business with you, Bob.”

 

Bob grins. “Same here, man. Hey, you guys should swing by my place tonight. I’m having the guys over. Some blunts, some poker, it’ll be a good time.”

 

Sirius wrinkles his nose, coughing slightly as Remus elbows him sharply. James looks over at Peter, who answers for the group. “Thanks uncle Bob, but we’ve got plans back home tonight. Gotta head back to catch the train now, right fellas?”

 

The marauders all nod, murmuring goodbyes to Bob as they shuffle out of the alley and back onto the street.

 

“Fuck’s sake, Wormy, your uncle is so fucking creepy. Why’s he always asking us to hang out with his old ass friends?” Sirius inhales from the vape pen before passing it over to Peter.

 

Peter grimaces before he takes a hit. “I dunno, Pads. Trying to relive his youth, I guess. We’re not ever taking him up on that offer, by the way. Last time I was there his friend Richard tried to get me to taste the kefir he makes in his backyard using milk from his goats.”

 

Remus shudders. “I doubt that milk came from goats, Wormy. Never been so glad to be a vegan. You lacto-ovo eaters are freaky.”

 

Sirius smirks. “Our little Moony, pure as the driven snow. Not a freaky bone in your body, is there?”

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Pads?” James winks as Remus and Peter laugh at his comment. Sirius manages to cough up a chuckle as well, keeping a neutral expression on his face, but when he gives James a shove as they walk down the street, he pushes a bit harder than he should, laughing happily when James trips and falls into a zen garden outside of a gourmet burger joint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The creepy older hippie dude is a real thing, and it's just as awkward as you think it is. 
> 
> See you next Sunday for chapter 3, which will feature more from the Godric Media ladies, as well as someone from Sirius' past.
> 
> Visit me on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) or leave a comment and let me know what you think. Thank you so much for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharks and siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ... might end up being angstier than I had planned. We'll see what happens.
> 
> Thank you to Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus, and Reachthetree for doing kick ass beta work.
> 
> No TWs for this chapter, just sit back and enjoy!

**_Thursday, March 20, 2014, 2:37pm_ **

 

“Moony. Moony. Moony. MOONY, WHY ARE YOU IGNORING US?” James is leaning back in his chair, rolling sticky “sign here” tabs into tubes and chucking them towards Remus, fist pumping each time one of them catches in Remus’ curls. Sirius is on the floor, attempting to tie Remus’ shoelaces to his chair.

 

Remus is steadily ignoring them as he continues his phone conversation. “No problem, Rick, just send over the revised RFP … No, no worries at all, happy to help. You go ahead and enjoy that date of yours, and by the time you’re back at home checking your emails tonight, it’ll be taken care of.” He gives Sirius a kick in the shoulder as he attempts to scoot his chair away. “Okay … okay … ha, that’s hilarious. Okay, I’ll let you go now, I know you’re busy … alright, talk later, bye.”

 

Remus hangs up his phone with a deep sigh. He pushes the sole of his Converse against Sirius’ forehead gently yet firmly, before pulling his foot up to retie his shoelace. “That dude is a nightmare. Everyone at that company is, actually. Suppose I should be thankful I didn’t get Jen complaining to me this time, but I think I’d have rather dealt with her. Good lord, that woman is cutting, but at least she wants to get off the phone as badly as I do. Rick just wants to keep talking and talking and talking until I expire from old age.” 

 

He presses his lips together as he refreshes his emails, wrinkling his nose as he opens a file. “Can we fire a client for being too fucking annoying? Is thirty mil in revenue really worth the cost of my personal well being?”

 

James shoves Sirius out of the way so that he can dramatically grip Remus by the shoulders. “Moony, I would personally pay forty million dollars for the guarantee of your personal well being. Maybe even forty five million, but no higher.”

 

“Cheap bastard.” Sirius swivels his chair back to his own desk, winking at Remus to confirm that yes, he was able to mess with James’ automatic email signature.

 

Remus shoos the other two boys away from his desk, waving his hands at them irritably. “Let me get this RFP taken care of. Did you guys see the emails from Verizon and J&J? Can you handle those, please? They seem pretty straight forward.”

 

James grins as he scrolls through his emails, flagging several important looking ones as spam. “They’re all straight forward, because this is fucking advertising, not rocket science, although you’d hardly believe it with how badly the clients freak out all the time.”

 

Remus shoots him a withering stare. James rolls his eyes. “Fine, I’ll take Verizon. Pads, you take J&J.”

 

Sirius snorts. “Of course I get the worst one. You selfish ass, sloughing all the tough work off on me and Moony while you keep the cream puff tasks.”

 

Remus shakes his head in disbelief and plugs in his headphones, ignoring as James lets out a tortured groan. “Come on, I need a pick me up. Today’s prank was a total bust. I swapped out all the soda in the fridge with those shitty detox drinks, and no one even cared. The engineers complimented Poppy on ordering such fancy juices.”

 

“Juice? That’s pretty weak pranking game, Potter.” Sirius and James look up to see Dorcas leaning against their cube, grinning wolfishly and running a hand through her undercut. 

 

James perks up immediately. “Meadowes! Haven’t seen you in a few days. Marlene says you’ve been traveling?”

 

Dorcas nods, rolling up her sleeves to reveal her heavily tattooed arms. “Yeah but I’m back home now. Dunno why people think business travelling is so sweet. It’s a fucking drag, man.”

 

Sirius chuckles. “Yeah, going out to comped dinners, schmoozing clients with endless happy hours, late night karaoke. Your Instagram tells a different tale, Meadowes.”

 

Dorcas walks over to ruffle Sirius’ hair before wrapping Remus in a light headlock, kissing the top of his head. “It seems like fun and games, until you remember that I have to do all of that shit with our annoying ass clients. It’s different when me and the missus get to travel together … those are good times, good times.” 

 

Her eyebrows wriggle suggestively as James and Sirius laugh. Sirius has seen and heard enough during his limited business travel to know that for many people, all bets are off as far as fidelity goes once they’re on the road. He thinks it’s fairly romantic that Marlene and Dorcas choose swinging over philandering.

 

Sirius frowns for a moment as he wonders whether that is the answer to his problems. He could date Remus, and then Remus could date other people as well, people who aren’t fucked up the way Sirius is, people who could take care of things for Remus, things that Sirius simply  _ can’t  _ take care of. It’s an arrangement that makes sense, logically, but Sirius is skeptical that he’d be chill enough to pull it off. 

 

Sirius has always been an all or nothing sort of person, the sort of person who is reluctant to trust, the sort of person who guards his relationships closely. He doubts that he would be okay sitting at home while Remus was out with someone else. Sirius wants to be the one to give Remus everything he wants, everything he needs, and the knowledge that this is not within his capabilities makes his stomach clench unpleasantly.

 

“Anyways, boys, our box seats for tonight’s Sharks game are free. You dudes up for some hockey? Marls, Lily and I will be there, but the box fits eight, so we’ve got some space.”

 

Sirius jabs Remus in the arm until he removes his headphones. “Moony, you want to see the Sharks play tonight? We can get muffalettas beforehand.”

 

A slow smile spreads across Remus’ face, no doubt daydreaming about his favorite sandwich. “You know I can’t say no to a muffaletta. I’m in.” Sirius grins back at him, flicking at one of the sticky tabs in Remus’ hair.

 

“There you go, Meadowes, the marauders are all in. Save a ticket for Pete, he’ll be down for sure. I suppose Lily will want to ask Snape to take the last seat?” James makes a gagging noise as Dorcas scrunches up her nose.

 

“Thankfully, Snape wasn’t interested in coming when he found out I was gonna ask you four. I don’t know why Lils likes him. He’s such a downer all the time. Super judgy, too, as if my love life is any of his business. Hate it when he comes along on queer Thursdays.”

 

“He’s just jealous. Once he’s getting laid, he’ll mellow out.” Remus’ tone is mild. Sirius is skeptical. Everyone always says shit like that, but from what he can see, sex causes more drama, not less. As for being  _ mellow _ , Sirius himself has certainly never felt that way after an encounter. Uncomfortable and awkward is more like it.

 

Dorcas snickers. “Well then, he’s never gonna mellow out, because the only person he wants to bang is Li-”

 

“What’s up, Dorcas? Is the asshole brigade coming with us to the game tonight?” Lily has sidled up next to Dorcas, resting an arm on her shoulder, a smirk on her face.

 

James grins broadly. “That’s right, Lily dear, the marauders will be defiling the company box tonight. Shame though. The box seats are the worst. You can’t see for shit. The cheapest seats in the stadium will give you a better view of the action.”

 

“You’re right about that. What’s the point of watching hockey if you’re not in the blood and sweat splash zone?” Lily is grinning. “I’m working late, and then I’ve got to stop at home and get my jersey, so I’ll miss the muffaletta fest, but I’ll see you guys in the box. Uh, Remus, did you know you’ve got ...” Lily gestures to Remus’ hair as he nods tiredly. She chuckles as she walks into Minerva’s office, closing the door behind her as she sits down to make some phone calls.

 

Dorcas winks at James. “She’s warming up to you, bro. I’d say it’s because you’ve been behaving yourself, but honestly, I think it’s just because your pranks have been failing so spectacularly. Honestly, I don’t know what your end game was while you were putting that colored paper in the printer, but I’m assuming that getting your tshirt stuck in the gears wasn’t part of the joke.” James flips the bird, making Dorcas laugh. She moves over and starts pulling the sticky tabs out of Remus’ hair as he works.

 

Sirius watches as Dorcas’ fingers work their way into Remus’ curls gently, tugging the sticky tabs free one by one. Remus reaches up to pat her hand affectionately before resuming his fury of typing. Sirius likes watching Remus work. Remus aways allows himself to be absorbed completely in whatever he’s doing, blocking out all distractions, narrowing his focus on the task at hand. His projects always come out perfectly, with no errors or cut corners. 

 

“Pads? You awake there?” James is kicking the back of Sirius’ chair, grinning. Sirius ignores James and Dorcas as they exchange a smug glance over his head. 

 

“Yes, I’m awake, and I’m actually getting my shit done so we can catch the early train and beat the rush. You got the easy client, are you done yet? If you are, I need some help, unless you want me to risk the wrath of interrupting Moony mid-project to ask him an inane question that I’m pretty sure I should already know the answer to.”

 

James scoffs at this. “You’d never incur the wrath of Moony, but I guess we’d better not risk it. Let me just send out this email.” Seconds after he clicks the send button, his face scrunches up in confusion.

 

“Why the fuck does my email sig list my job title as Professional Eggplant Juggler?”

  
  


**_Thursday, March 20, 2014, 6:28pm_ **

 

Sirius takes a deep breath as he walks down the street towards the Poor House Bistro, happy to be out of the crowded train. Instead of inhaling fresh air, however, he chokes on a cloud of patchouli perfume instead, breaking into a hacking cough.

 

James pounds him on the back. “Simmer down there, Pads, don’t die before we make it to dinner. Feel free to croak once I’ve got my food.” He leads the group through the crowd towards the restaurant, elbowing his way past the throngs of people to forge a clear path. 

 

Remus pulls his phone from his pocket, checking his texts. “Marlene and Dorcas have a table saved for us. They say the line’s not too bad.” 

 

James looks skeptical. “The line’s always bad at the Poor House. Couple of liars, they are.” He smile apologetically as he steps on the foot of a disgruntled looking hipster with a curled moustache.

 

Eventually, after maneuvering through the crowd of Sharks fans, the marauders arrive at the restaurant. Sirius and Remus wait in line to order the food while James and Peter head to the back patio to meet Marlene and Dorcas and assist in staking their claim to one of the larger tables.

 

Sirius rests a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “You don’t have to wait, Moony. You can go and have a seat if you don’t feel like standing.” He’s noticed that Remus is shifting his weight from one foot to the other, slowly rolling his shoulders every so often.

 

Remus smiles, reaching up to pat Sirius’ hand. “It’s all good. Feels better to stand, actually. Not so much pressure on my lower back. Especially with the shitty stools they’ve got here.” He shrugs as he goes to move his bag from one shoulder to the other, but Sirius grabs it before he can make the switch, wordlessly slinging it over his own shoulder instead. Remus says nothing, but Sirius notices the right corner of his mouth turn slightly upwards.

 

When they reach the front of the line, Remus reaches across Sirius and begins rummaging through his shoulder bag, pulling out a small insulated cooler. Sirius smirks at him, shaking his head as Remus gives their order.

 

“We’d like four vegetarian muffalettas, please, and would you be able to make one of them with vegan cheese?” Remus smiles brightly, eyes wide as he pulls a package of Daiya from his cooler. The waiter doesn’t even bat an eye as they grab the package, making a note on the receipt before ringing them up. Remus brings along his own vegan cheese to several local joints, and never has a problem, unless you count the endless taunts from his fellow marauders.

 

Eventually, the group finds themselves seated in the crowded patio of the Poor House, chowing down on their food. Dorcas is retelling a story about a conference after-party in a New York hotel as she tosses french fries at Peter, who is only able to catch about two thirds of them in his mouth, much to the chagrin of the family sitting behind him.

 

“So, like I told the concierge the next morning, that’s what happens when you schedule a fucking wedding on the same evening as a corporate networking event. Sales folks are always gonna find the free booze, you know, and a sign saying “Private Event” is basically a welcome mat for those animals. Besides, the father of the bride was holding, and he was chill when we first got there. He only started complaining when the dudes from the LA pricing team started grinding with the groom.”

 

Remus shakes his head. “I can’t believe that a year ago, my peers were academics who were writing op ed pieces for the New York Times and the Economist, and now I spend my time with degenerates who crash weddings, licking the icing off the cake and giving lap dances to the grandmas.” He gives James’ shoulder a nudge, and James passes over his can of diet Coke, allowing Remus to take a sip from the bendy straw.

 

Marlene snickers as she checks her phone, snatching a fried shrimp from Dorcas’ po’ boy and popping it quickly into her mouth. “You’re moving up in the world, Rem. These people might be degenerates but they make bank, travel all over the world, and know how to have a fucking good time. Might as well enjoy part of the ride. Oh sweet- Lily’s almost here. You guys ready to head out? We’ve got VIP entrance tickets, so we won’t have to wait in line, but still, it’ll be good to get in early and walk around.”

 

The group gathers their things and makes their way out into the street, with James and Dorcas clearing a path through the multitude of hockey fans stuffing po’ boys into their mouths before the game.

 

Sirius nudges Remus as they stand around outside, keeping their eyes peeled for Lily and passing around a vape pen. “Moony … you could still write an op ed piece for some snooty paper if you wanted. Just because you’re taking a break from being a nerd doesn’t mean you can’t still do some nerdy stuff. I’ll proofread it for you, if you want. My prose is shit, but my grammar isn't completely fucking terrible.”

 

Remus smiles bemusedly, reaching up to adjust the beanie that’s pulled tightly over his curls. “If I’m going to waste my time, I’ll waste it doing something fun, Pads. I’d never get published at a big name paper. Or a small name paper, for that matter. No point in writing something that no one else will ever read.”

 

Sirius frowns as he takes a hit from the pen that Peter passes over to him. He doesn’t understand why Remus is so fucking negative about himself all the time. Remus will encourage Peter to ask out a ridiculously hot person, telling him that the worst they can say is no. Remus pushed James into running for captain of the club league rugby team that he and Sirius play for, saying that James was a born leader who would be the best captain the team could possibly ask for. Remus makes sure that Sirius’ paintings are prominently displayed in the house and around the Potter estate, assuring Sirius that even though his art will never be anything more than a hobby, it’s still a worthy use of his time because of the joy it brings to everyone.

 

Yet when it comes to his own future, Remus always has a multitude of excuses as to why he should not consider that career, or work on that hobby, or apply for that grant. It frustrates Sirius to no end that Remus does not see his own dreams as worthy of pursuing.

 

Marlene lets out a shriek as Lily sneaks up behind her, wrapping her hands around her waist and squeezing. “Damn it, Lily! I was about to beat the shit out of you, I thought you were some random perv.”

 

Lily smiles, raising up her hands in a surrender stance.”Sorry, Marls, I didn’t mean to frighten you. Please don’t hurt me.”

 

Marlene grins playfully. “You’re safe for now. Glad you finally made it, some of us were getting pretty impatient.” Marlene nudges Dorcas, who drapes an arm around her shoulders, whispering something into her ear that makes Marlene break into a grin, giggling.

 

James checks his watch, furrowing his brow. “Let’s get a move on, I don’t want to have to deal with the-” He stops mid sentence as he looks upward, mouth hanging open. “Brent Burns!”

 

Lily’s eyes go wide as she whips her head around wildly. “Where? Where is he? He should be getting ready for the game, why would he be in downtown San Jose so close to face off?”

 

Remus, Peter and Sirius exchange confused glances as James sputters out a reply. “No, he’s not here, it’s just- your jersey. You’re wearing a Brent Burns jersey. So am I.”

 

Lily glances down at the number on the hockey jersey she’s wearing. “Oh, yeah, I forgot I was wearing him tonight.” She eyes James warily. “You are as well, I see. Um, cool, I guess?” She starts walking towards the stadium, with the rest of the crew trailing behind her.

 

James is shaking his head in frustration as he jogs ahead so he can walk next to Lily. “No, it’s- I didn’t know you were a hockey fan.”

 

They’re stopped at a corner, waiting for the pedestrian crossing sign to light up. Lily raises an eyebrow. “I go to games all the time, you know that. Why would it be surprising that I’m a fan of the sport?” Her lips are pressed together, her hands are on her hips, looking as if she’s expecting him to reply with an inane comment. To be fair, as Sirius takes a look around at the rest of the group, they are all looking at James that way. To be fair, Sirius thinks to himself, James probably  _ is _ about to reply with an inane comment.

 

James rolls his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “We all go to the games. That’s not what I mean. Look around at everyone else. They’ve all got Thorton jerseys, or Marleau jerseys, or jerseys with their own fucking name on them, or just generic Sharks gear. You’ve got a  _ Brent Burns _ jersey. You’re a  _ fan. _ ”

 

Sirius is confused. He likes hockey, but he doesn’t follow it obsessively like James. The others look just as perplexed as he does. Except for Lily. A slow smile is spreading across her face.

 

“Point taken, James. What would you say if I told you that back at my apartment I’ve got a Wayne Gretzky jersey from when he played for the St. Louis Blues in ‘95? And … it’s signed?”

 

Sirius knows who Wayne Gretzky is, of course, but he’s not sure why this piece of information is particularly impressive. James clearly disagrees, as his eyes light up and he reaches over to grip Lily by the shoulders, staring at her intently.

 

“If you’re telling the truth, I will sign over my entire inheritance just for the chance to touch the hem of that jersey.”

 

Lily laughs, pushing James away. “No one touches that jersey, James, but maybe I’ll let you look at it one day. It’ll only cost you half of your inheritance.” She heads across the street as the light changes, leading the way towards the VIP stadium entrance.

 

James is beaming as he walk alongside her. “A bargain at any price. Do you have any others? I’ve got a bunch of signed Sharks ones from when I was a kid, but my parents were never that into sports, so I didn’t get to go to many games.”

 

“My dad loved hockey and football. He used to travel to all sorts of games when he was younger. He and his buddies used to sneak into the locker rooms after games to try and get autographs. He had some wild stories.” Lily bites her lower lip, smiling wistfully. “He’s been gone five years now. Mom gave me all his sports paraphernalia- my sister didn’t want it. Sporty stuff was our  _ thing, _ you know? It kept us together when I went through all my transitioning shit as a teen. It reminded him that no matter what, I was still  _ me, _ I was still his-”

 

Lily cuts off her thought abruptly, blinking her eyes rapidly. “Let’s get a move on, shall we? I don’t want to miss face off.” She starts walking briskly towards the stadium entrance once more. Sirius shares a look with Dorcas. Neither of them miss James reaching out to lightly squeeze Lily’s shoulder before dropping back to debate with Peter on what bets to place online before the game.

  
  


**_Thursday, March 20, 2014, 8:56pm_ **

 

Sirius stands up from his balcony seat, stretching his arms over his head. “Alright, we’ve made it to the second intermission. Let’s get up and walk around. I’m going stir crazy in this little room.”

 

James gets up, throwing an arm around Sirius and mussing his hair. “Let’s go down to the club bar and grab some drinks. Lily, do you want anything?” He flashes her a winning grin.

 

Lily gets up as well. She and James have been sitting next to each other all evening, talking in depth about each play, bemoaning every penalty that the refs throw at the Sharks, heckling the handful of visiting Ducks fans that have dared to sit in the home team territory. “I do want a drink, but I’ll come along. I need to stretch my legs.” 

 

Marlene and Dorcas stand up, wrapping their arms around each other. They’ve spent most of their time making out semi-discreetly in the corner seats. The five of them walk off the balcony and into the main sitting room, where Remus and Peter are lounging on the couch, watching the game on the television, an array of snacks spread out on the table in front of them.

 

James leans over and flicks Peter’s ear as he grabs a handful of pretzels from the bowl on the table. “I can’t believe you two have been watching the game on the fucking TV. You could have stayed home for that.”

 

Remus, who is holding a fistful of pretzels, throws one at James’ head. “I can’t see the puck from the balcony seats. It’s too far away. Why do rich people sit so far away from the action?”

 

James pokes Remus on the tip of the nose. “It’s all about the experience, Moony. The camaraderie with your fellow fans. You can’t get that from the TV. Now come on, we’re going down to grab drinks and walk around. It’ll be good for your joints to get some exercise in.”

 

Peter and Marlene elect to stay in the box and scarf down mozzarella sticks while the rest of the crew makes their way down to the club bar. Sirius looks around, clapping James on the back. “I’ve got to take a piss. I’ll be back in a few, just order me whatever you’re getting.” He heads towards the corner of the room, making his way through the throngs of people dressed in teal and black.

 

“Sirius?”

 

Sirius freezes at the doorway to the bathroom. He hasn’t heard that voice in years, but he’d know it anywhere. He turns sharply on his heel, his eyes meeting a glittering silver gaze that could be his own reflected back at him.

 

“Reg.”

 

There’s silence for several long minutes. Regulus. His brother. They haven’t spoken in years. Sirius stops a moment to count back … seven years. It’s been nearly seven years since he left home. Seven years since he walked out the front door of his parents’ house, not sparing a single glance to his younger brother hovering at the top of the stairs. Seven years since his mother told him that if he left, he wasn’t welcome to come back, not ever. Seven years since he flipped the bird at his mother’s final remark, not bothering to glance back to see if she saw.

 

Sirius takes a minute to take in his sibling’s appearance. Regulus is keeping his hair short these days, though Sirius can tell it has the same slight wave as his own. Everyone always used to say that the two brothers looked like twins, but all Sirius can see are the stark differences in their appearances, how Regulus’ cheekbones aren’t as sharp, how his nose is slightly larger, how his mouth resembles their mother’s scowl rather than their father’s sneer.

 

Their eyes, however, are identical, as they’ve always been. Sirius is growing tired of Regulus’ intense stare, so similar to his own that it feels as though he’s being judged by himself. He resists the urge to squirm in discomfort as he straightens up, running a hand through his hair and maintaining a bored expression. “Did you want something, or will you allow me to go take a whiz now?”

 

Regulus lets out a small sigh, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I just … I didn’t expect to see you here, and … it’s been a long time, Sirius. I just … I’m graduating from Stanford this year, you know.”

 

Sirius shrugs. Stanford was a big enough campus that he and Regulus managed to avoid each other throughout their undergraduate years. “I figured. I’m sure you’ll understand if I don’t send a card or show up to the ceremony. Seeing as we haven’t spoken in forever, and have no reason to start now.”

 

Regulus looks uncomfortable. “Look, Sirius … the thing is … I don’t understand why … “ He stops, taking a deep breath. “I’m getting married.”

 

Sirius feels his eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “Married? You’re still a fucking child. I suppose mom and dad brokered a traditional Black family arranged marriage for you. If you’re looking for my blessing, you’ll be waiting a long ass time, Reg.”

 

Regulus rolls his eyes, pulling his hands from his pockets and crossing them over his chest. “You always have to make everything more dramatic than necessary. It’s not an arranged marriage. I met a few nice girls while I was in Bangalore last summer, and I hit it off with one of them. If that counts as an arranged marriage, then your precious Potters had one as well.”

 

Sirius snorts as he leans back against the wall. “Monty’s auntie Anjali introduced him to Effie at a barbeque in London. That doesn’t count as a fucking arranged marriage.”

 

Regulus smirks. “So you’re saying that because I met Sara at a slightly fancier event than a  _ barbeque, _ it counts as an arranged marriage? That’s bullshit. No one forced or coerced me into anything. Sara and I just clicked. She’s brilliant, she’s working on her masters degree at Oxford, and she …  _ gets  _ it. Her family is from the same culture as ours, same religion, same traditions, same dietary preferences. Most American girls don’t understand what it’s like to be first generation.”

 

Sirius narrows his eyes. “American girls? You were born fifteen miles from here, you ass.  _ You’re _ American. And we’re in the fucking melting pot of California. There are plenty of other people who are children of immigrants if you’re that concerned about finding someone who  _ gets it.” _

 

Regulus has a condescending look on his face as he shakes his head. “You can pretend to not be a Black all you want, Sirius, but blood is blood. Family is family. Culture is important. In any case, Sara won’t be finished with her degree for another two years, so it’s not like we’re rushing into anything. We’ll have a nice, long engagement, with enough time to make the necessary preparations.”

 

Regulus pauses, his eyes flicking over to the bar distractedly. “Um, are you okay with your dude hitting on some chick? How very … open of you.”

 

Sirius scowls, spotting Remus chatting with Dorcas. “Remus isn’t my  _ dude, _ for fuck’s sake. And Dorcas isn’t a  _ chick. _ She’s … Dorcas.”

 

Regulus chuckles as he turns back towards Sirius, one eyebrow raised. “Okay, well … I don’t know who Remus is … but I was talking about your boyfriend? James?” He nods towards James, who is chatting with Lily at the bar, clearly smitten.

 

Sirius coughs, grimacing. “ _ James? _ Are you fucking kidding me? James is my brother for fuck’s sake, he’s not- we’re not- I’m not gay, you ass, and even if I was, I definitely wouldn’t be gay for fucking  _ James _ of all people.”

 

Regulus looks genuinely surprised now. “You’re … you can’t be … you’re not gay? What’s wrong with you, then?”

 

Sirius is taken aback. He feels his hands clenching into fists and focuses hard on keeping them relaxed. What does Regulus know? How could he know? No one knows. “Nothing’s  _ wrong _ with me. What are you even talking about?”

 

Regulus is shaking his head, raising one hand to tug at the short hairs behind his left ear, the same way their father does. “Sirius, you … the whole reason you left home was because you didn’t want mom and dad controlling you and making your decisions for you, but … you went to Stanford, just like mom wanted. You majored in engineering, just like dad wanted. Apparently, you aren’t gay-” Reg raises an eyebrow skeptically at this, causing Sirius to glare at him. “-so I’m really not sure why you ran away at all. Mom and dad always figured that you ran away to the Potters’ so you and James could be together. If that wasn’t it, what was your issue? Why did you leave?”

 

Sirius takes a deep breath, resting the back of his head against the wall, willing himself to remain calm. He can feel the memories of his mother’s cutting words, his father’s belt striking sharply across his back. “It’s none of your business, Reg. None of this is any of your business. If you’re doing well, then I guess I’m happy for you, but it’s not- they aren’t- things aren’t as clean cut as you think they are, okay?” 

 

Sirius checks his phone for the time. “Look, the third period is about to start. I’m ... if you change your mind about anything, we can talk, but if all you want to do is try and convince me that our parents aren’t the devil spawn that they clearly are, then this is all a waste of time.” He pushes his foot against the wall, propelling himself forward, brushing past Regulus, allowing their shoulders to bump against each other.

 

Sirius doesn’t spare another glance back at his brother as he walks briskly back towards the bar, looking around for James or Remus. He feels a hand grip his elbow. “Sirius? Everyone else already headed back up, I was just going to use the bathroom first. Um, are you okay?”

 

Sirius turns to see Lily staring at him, concern in her eyes. He feels a churning in his stomach, all of his repressed ruminations and memories and emotions swirling together in confusion, causing him to blurt out the first coherent thought that bubbles up to the surface.

 

“My fucking family thinks I’m gay for James.”

 

Lily stares at him blankly for a moment before bursting into laughter. “James?  _ James? _ James Potter, who is constantly flirting with every woman in sight? That James? For fuck’s sake, you guys are basically brothers. How could anyone think that you two were boning?”

 

Sirius snickers. “Agreed on the boning part, but I’ve got a newsflash for you, Lily. James only flirts with women when he thinks you’re watching. He hasn’t gone on a single date since he met you during our intern interviews two years ago.”

 

Lily has a confused look on her face, one hand wandering up to twirl at the cartilage stud in her right ear. “What? But why ... why would he think that hitting on other women would impress me?”

 

Sirius shrugs. “Because he’s awkward and insecure at heart? Because you’re his dream girl and he’ll do anything to get your attention? Because he’s James and he’s never known how to flirt successfully, and barring some sort of miracle, he’s not going to magically learn how to be a smooth operator at this late date? I don’t know what to tell you.”

 

Lily is chewing on her bottom lip, wrinkling her forehead. “He … he  _ likes _ me? For real?”

 

“No, he likes you for fake.” Sirius is smirking as Lily smacks him on the arm. “If you’ll excuse me, I never actually made it to the bathroom, so I’ll meet you upstairs.” He leaves Lily standing by the bar, staring at a pile of cocktail napkins in bewilderment. 

 

Sirius takes a few calming breaths before heading into the bathroom. He’s not entirely sure how to process the interaction with his sibling. For now, Sirius decides that the best course of action is to suppress his feelings and have another drink, ignoring the tumultuous emotions writhing in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I would love to hear from you, either as a comment here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wombats and wagers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four chapters down! According to my tentative outline, we are 1/5 of the way to the end. I’m going to be sticking with Tuesday weekly updates for now, but follow me on Tumblr for updates on the posting schedule.
> 
> Thanks as always to my beta gang, Mirgaxus, Wereflamingo, and reachthetree, all of whom write killer wolfstar fics.

**_Tuesday, April 8, 2014, 8:13am_ **

 

Sirius is not going to open his eyes. He firmly and resolutely refuses to do so. Once he opens his eyes, he will be officially awake, and he does not want to be awake, even though his neck has a horrible crick in it from lying at an odd angle, even though his left hip is stiff from lying on whatever scratchy ass surface he’s lying on, even though he’s not a hundred percent sure where he is right at this moment. Once he is officially awake, he will have to get up and get ready for work, and he does not  _ want _ to get up, because then he will have to move Remus’ arm from where it’s draped over his waist and leave the comfort of the warm breath that’s currently tickling his neck.

 

Remus has always been a spooner. Sirius starfishes out across the bed, Peter lies on his stomach with his knees tucked up under him, and James cyclones and kicks nonstop throughout the night, but no matter which one of them ends up sharing Remus’ bunk (or sleeping bag, or floor space, or hammock, or pickup truck bed, or whatever other nook or cranny the marauders find themselves occupying the morning after), that person always ends up being cuddled snugly by Remus. James still claims that the best night’s sleep he ever got was when he and Remus were too wasted to find their way back to camp in Joshua Tree National Park, causing them to find themselves spooning on the dirt next to a bunch of cacti.

 

Sirius smiles slightly, his eyes still tightly closed as he listens to Remus’ soft, even breathing. Even though Remus is shorter than he is, with a slight build that contrasts starkly with Sirius’ own broader shoulders, Sirius feels safe when Remus is wrapped around him like this. Relaxed. As if he could lie here forever, not moving, just basking in the warmth and comfort of having Remus against him-

 

“Augh!” Sirius’ eyes fly open with a start as the world starts shaking. Fuck. It better not be another earthquake. No, it doesn’t feel like an earthquake, it feels … rolling, like they’re on a boat, but they can’t be, can they? Maybe he’s still drunk. Sirius blinks rapidly, hoping that he’s drunk and on land rather than hungover and lost at sea. He looks around in confusion. He’s on a fucking trampoline. The biggest trampoline he’s ever seen, attached to another trampoline, which is attached to yet another trampoline, with trampoline walls rising up on all sides … what the fuck?

 

“Mmmm, Pads, stop moving. You’re making the bed drift away.” Remus hugs Sirius tighter, burying his face in Sirius’ hair, making it that much harder for Sirius to wriggle out of Remus’ grasp into a seated position.

 

“Moony, we’re being held captive in some sort of trampoline prison. The fuck happened last night?” Sirius runs a hand through his hair, propped up on one elbow as he looks around, spotting a few other strangers lying around on other sections of the trampoline monstrosity that they’re trapped in. A pile of nachos is spilled in one corner, with neon yellow cheese oozing across the trampoline mat, down to the edge and onto the springs below.

 

Remus blinks, sitting up slowly, wincing a bit as he looks around, taking in his surroundings. “Are we …. Why are we at an indoor trampoline park? What happened last night? We were at the Nut House, watching the game, and then …”

 

Sirius frowns, wrinkling his forehead as flashes of the previous night come back to him. They had watched the UConn Huskies dominate the Kentucky Wildcats, they had celebrated James’ accurate prediction of the final score, they had played an impromptu game of rugby on the Stanford community fields using a two liter of Pepsi as a ball, they had gotten hassled by some rent-a-cops for spraying Pepsi on a few parked cars (accidentally, for fuck’s sake), they had all piled into various Ubers and followed the Prewett twins somewhere …

 

“Aha! This is Fab and Gid’s sister’s place.” Sirius gets up slowly, careful not to jostle Remus any more than necessary. He extends his hands down to Remus, gently helping him make it to a standing position. “Her husband owns it or something, I dunno. I remember more, now. Shit, Moony, even you were bouncing around on this thing last night like you were Tigger.”

 

Remus grins impishly. “I’m not that fragile, Pads. I can hang. Especially when I’m lit. Although I’m regretting it all a bit this morning.” He grimaces as he makes his way to the edge of the trampoline, holding out a hand to grip Sirius’ arm lightly to keep himself steady. Sirius is careful not to hover too closely. Remus gets tetchy when the marauders fuss over him, or offer him what he feels is too much assistance. It’s always better to wait for Remus to silently ask for help rather than offer it up too quickly.

 

Sirius smirks to himself as memories of last night come flashing back to him. There had been some dude trying to talk to Remus at the Nut House, a dude that even Sirius has to admit was pretty hot, but Remus hadn’t shown any interest at all. Instead, he had spent the evening with Sirius, sticking offensive signs to the back of James’ shirt while he followed the game intently, stealing Peter’s phone so they could hack into his dating apps and send awkward messages, joking around with the bartenders to score a few free pitchers.

 

Sirius is glad that he himself no longer has to fend off randoms looking for a hookup. He’s perfected the art of the slight scowl that scares away the majority of the ass wipes out at the bars. The people who are bold enough to come up to him are easily shooed away with a few snide remarks and a cold cloak of indifference. He’s had enough awkward encounters in college, thank you very much. He knows that he’s fucked up. That he’s broken. There’s no need to gather further evidence. No need for further humiliation and irritation.

 

When they get to the stairs at the edge of the trampoline, Sirius jumps down to the floor,  keeping watch out of the corner of his eye as Remus descends down the stairs slowly and deliberately. He doesn’t offer a hand, even though he really wants to, even though he knows that Remus could definitely use some assistance. He doesn’t want to overstep his bounds, however, choosing instead to wait patiently.

 

Once Remus is down the stairs, he stands beside Sirius, looking around, tugging at his curls absentmindedly. “Where’s Prongs? We’ll be late to work, I suppose, what time is- fuck! It’s nearly nine already!” Remus’ eyebrows knit together in frustration as he checks his phone.

 

Sirius rolls his eyes as he leans over Remus’ shoulder to check the time. “It’s not even eight thirty yet, Moony. That’s not ‘nearly nine’. Chill out, will you? We’ll make it to work on time. Find Prongs and Wormy, and we’ll go from there.” 

 

Sirius narrows his eyes, scanning the room. He spots Peter in the foam pit, draped over a pile of the foam blocks, looking quite peaceful in his slumber. James is curled up on the floor nearby, snuggling a pile of plastic checkered tablecloths. Sirius nudges Remus on the shoulder, grinning. “There they are, Moony. Let’s be gentle when we wake them up, eh?”

 

Three minutes and two pitchers of water later, all four marauders are awake, though some of them are slightly more damp than others. James is grumbling as he runs his hands through his hair, making it stick up wildly. “Fuck. We’ve got that team meeting with Minerva at ten. We’ve gotta get to the office right away. Moony, what are the deets on an Uber?”

 

Remus checks his phone, sighing deeply. “Twenty minute wait. Fuck. We’re about three miles from the train station. I don’t suppose we can borrow a car?”

 

Peter brightens, his eyes widening slightly. “Gid has his car, I think. He didn’t start drinking til we got here. Pads, get the keys.”

 

Sirius sighs, shaking out his hair and smoothing out his shirt. “I’m on it. Hang tight.” He saunters over to where the shorter of the redheaded Prewett twins is sleeping, lying on his stomach across the snack counter with a sweatshirt bunched up under his head as a makeshift pillow. Sirius clears his throat before resting a hand on Gideon’s shoulder, shaking him slightly.

 

“Gid … hey, Gid, are you heading into the office today? It’s getting late, man.”

 

Gideon raises his head, yawning and squinting as he looks up. His face brightens as he meets Sirius’ gaze. “Hey, man, what’s up? Wicked time last night, right? I can’t believe you managed to do a backflip on the trampoline, man, you were fucking gone last night.”

 

Sirius smirks, letting one eyebrow rise slightly. “What can I say, Gid, I’m flexible under any circumstances.” He chuckles as Gideon flushes a bit before responding. 

 

“Yeah, yeah, Black. Keep teasing me. If you ever come over to the dark side, I’ll be waiting.” Gideon is rolling his eyes, but Sirius notices how his gaze darts subtly up and down Sirius’ torso. Gideon is always kidding around about wanting to hook up with Sirius, despite Sirius being “straight”, but Sirius knows that if he ever showed the slightest bit of interest, he could have Gideon on his knees in five seconds flat. 

 

Not that he ever  _ would _ show any interest. As much as Sirius wishes that he could just be normal like everyone else, he’s grateful that his lack of interest in other dudes keeps him from being suspected as being any other orientation than what he claims to be. It’s only around Remus where he needs to be careful, and the two of them are so close that if Sirius occasionally slips up by gazing too long at Remus as he works, or leaving a hand on his shoulder for slightly longer than necessary, or fussing a little too much over which sandwich to bring back to him when he stops in Whole Foods during lunch, then no one is the wiser.

 

Except for James, the fucker.

 

Sirius runs a hand through his hair, tilting his head, widening his eyes slightly. “Any chance we can catch a ride with you this morning? Minnie’s got an all hands meeting at ten, and you know how she gets if we’re late.”

 

Gideon chuckles as he closes his eyes, burrowing his face back into the sweatshirt. “I’m working from home today. Sinistra’s on the road, and I don’t feel like dragging my ass into the office when I don’t have to. Fab already took the train in, the overachiever, but I’m not leaving this spot for another hour, at least. I texted Molly to bring us donuts when she came in. Donuts will make it worth the lecture she’ll give us for wrecking up the place.”

 

Sirius perks up. “Sweet, so can we borrow your car then? Peter will drop us off at work and bring it back here right after. I promise he won’t total the car. Probably.”

 

Gideon doesn’t say anything else, reaching his hand into his front pocket and fumbling around until he pulls his car keys out, waving them silently at Sirius, who grabs them.

 

“Thanks, man, you’re the best.” He slaps Gideon on the back before heading back to the marauders, jingling the keys above his head with a grin. “Alright, let’s get a move on. Wormy, you drop us off at work and then come back here so Gid can get home, okay?”

 

Peter rolls his eyes. “I would grumble about you volunteering me for chauffeur duty, but if it allows me to drive through Jack in the Box for breakfast, then I have no complaints. Jalapeno poppers are the breakfast of champions.” He reaches up to grab the keys from Sirius’ hand, ignoring Remus’ retching noises at the mention of Jack in the Box.

 

Once the marauders are piled into Gideon’s Prius, Remus hooks his iPhone up to the bluetooth and turns on his Spotify, putting Grimes’  _ Visions _ album on shuffle.

 

James groans, resting his head against the window, kicking the back of Remus’ seat like a petulant child. “The fuck is this music? I’m not sober enough to listen to this shit, Moony. It’s making me feel like I’m on acid. I keep looking out the window waiting for a purple and pink striped wombat to run by.”

 

Remus snorts, adjusting his seat to lean backwards sharply, causing James to yelp and pull his knees in closer. “Prongs, when have you ever seen a wombat? Even if you were fully alert, you wouldn’t be able to point out a wombat if you saw it running around.”

 

“Fuck you, Moony! I saw that wombat in downtown San Mateo last December. You were all there. It was real.”

 

“For the last time, that was a frigging housecat.”

 

“If that was a housecat, then it was a housecat on fucking steroids, because it was huge, and I don’t think there are any non-natty housecats in San Mateo. Where would you even get cat steroids, huh?” James reaches forward to grab Remus’ beanie, jamming it over his own horrid bedhead.

 

Remus reaches both hands behind his chair, grasping wildly. “Damn it, I swear to- how many fucking times do I have to google ‘wombat’ and prove you wrong? They look nothing like housecats, and if you think they do, you need stronger glasses, not that they make anything stronger than those hella thick Hubble telescope lenses you’re wearing.”

 

James is giggling as he evades Remus’ grabbing. “Whatever, Mr. National Geographic, you can deny it all you want, but- AUGHHH! MY BALLS!”

 

Sirius barks out a laugh as Remus slams the back of his chair into full recline mode, his headrest landing heavily on James’ lap. James howls in mock pain as Remus grins up at him, snickering. Sirius takes advantage of James’ distraction and snags the beanie off his head, handing it back to Remus, a goofy grin spreading across his face as he returns Remus’ fist bump.

 

 

**_Tuesday, April 8, 2014, 9:06am_ **

 

“Alright, Moony, are we good to go?” James is attempting to smooth the wrinkles out of his shirt as he peers into the tinted glass windows of Godric Media’s back doors, using them as a mirror to gape at the bird’s nest of snarls that is his hair.

 

Remus, whose beanie is firmly secured over his own curls, checks his phone briefly. “Yeah, Lovegood hooked up the sound. We’ve got fifteen seconds to get inside, then forty five seconds of play.”

 

James opens the door and holds it for Remus and Sirius, making an elaborate show of twirling his arms and bowing as they enter the building. Sirius knocks his fist lightly on the top of James’ head as he passes by.

 

The three boys hover at the end of the hallway, waiting. James is bouncing on the balls of his feet excitedly. Remus is smirking and shaking his head as he leans against the wall, scrolling through his Instagram. Sirius hears the white noise speakers crackle a bit, causing James to whoop quietly to himself and start down the hall. 

 

_ All I Do Is Win  _ is streaming through the speakers. James starts doing a slow jog down the hall into the main office, raising his arms in the air triumphantly, pumping his fists, with Sirius and Remus trailing behind him at a slightly lower energy level. As they pass by each department’s station, the marauders reach out their arms to dole out high fives. The Business Development and HR teams are a bit wary as they hold out their hands, with Snape and Malfoy in BD refusing to engage at all, but the Sales, Pricing and Product teams are eager to respond in kind, and when  _ everybody’s hands go up … and they stay there, _ the majority of the office joins James in his infectious enthusiasm.

 

As the music dies down, James heads to the middle of the room, raising his hands. “Alright, G-Media team, today is a day for celebration. We have a winner for the annual March Madness pool. Many of you followed my sage advice and chose the Huskies to take it all, so it was a photo finish to determine the winner. However, after a close examination of the brackets and some intense point tallying, the winner this year is … Fabiaaaaaaaaan Prrreweeeeeeett!” James calls out Fabian’s name in a fairly spot-on imitation of Oprah.

 

Fabian stands up from his seat in the Product, pressing his hands to his cheeks in mock surprise before blowing a kiss to the scowling BD team. James waits for the cheering and clapping to die down a bit before continuing.

 

“Although Fab is the technical winner, in reality, we are all winners, because after talking it over last night, Fab has decided to donate the winnings to help fund a celebratory company happy hour tonight, with some additional financial assistance from our lovely HR department.” James has made his way over to Emmeline in HR, dropping an arm around her shoulder as she raises an eyebrow, attempting to bite back her smile.

 

“Keep your eyes peeled for an Outlook invite. Now, let’s get back to work!” James salutes the crowd before making his way back to his desk, flopping into his chair and dropping his head back. “Fuck. Let’s go home at lunch and shower. I feel disgusting. There’s something sticky in the back of my hair.”

 

“It’s probably Pepsi. We tried to rinse it out for you this morning, Prongs, but you got all pissy about it.” Remus is firing up his laptop as he yawns, covering his mouth and squeezing his eyes shut.

 

James snorts as he kicks Sirius’ chair away from his desk right as he’s about to sit. “Dumping a pitcher of water on me was an act of kindness then? Thanks, Moony. You fucking tool.”

 

“Rem’s not the tool here, Potter. You are.” A tattooed arm wraps itself around James’ neck briefly before it’s pulled back sharply. “Fuck’s sake, Potter, why is your neck all sticky?” Dorcas wipes her forearm on the seat of her jeans, grimacing.

 

Sirius wheels his chair back to his desk, smirking. “Don’t ask questions like that, Meadowes. Things got wild last night. You don’t want to know.”

 

Dorcas chuckles. “Oh yeah right. I heard you kids were partying at Chuck E Cheese or some shit last night. Sounds hella wild.”

 

James laughs as he dives under his desk to plug in his laptop. “It was Sky High Sports, the place Molly Prewett’s husband owns. It was a fucking blast, Meadowes, you and Marls would have loved it.”

 

Dorcas snags James’ chair and sits, leaning back in it as she slings one leg over the armrest, using the other leg to rock herself back and forth. “We had a nice, quiet night in, a night free from sporting events and overpriced drinks. A night of rest. Which apparently we needed, since you and HR declared that we need to pull a happy hour out of our asses this afternoon. Thanks a lot, Potter.”

 

James goans as he crawls backwards out from under the desk, blinking like a mole person as he re-enters the light. “Of course you guys got stuck with the hard work. Should have figured HR would drop the ball. I’m sorry, Dorcas. Look, we’re taking the train home at lunch to, uh, pick up some things-”

 

“I hope one of those things is a bar of soap-”

 

“Fuck off, Meadowes! Anyway, we can stop by one of the beer gardens downtown on our way, ask them to save a space for us? Pick out menu items? Toss up some streamers or whatever else it is you guys do to make things festive?”

 

Dorcas pats James on the head as she gets off the chair. “Thanks, but I think you’ve helped enough. Marls knows the manager at the Tied House. He’ll let us use the back patio. They make bomb cocktails.”

 

James perks up as he scrambles into his chair. “Screw the cocktails, they have garlic sweet potato fries. I can’t fucking wait to eat a whole plate of those bad boys.” He spins a few times in his chair before he stops, looking a bit green.

 

Dorcas snickers, reaching into James’ pen cup to snag one of the good pens, the ones that Minerva picks up at the Westin Tokyo when she travels. “Wow, Potter. Sticky neck, wrinkled clothes, and garlic breath. Lils will totally swoon tonight when she sees you. You’ll be irresistible.”

 

Sirius and Remus snicker as James beams brightly. “Laugh all you want, you shitheads. I’ve been patient this long, I can wait awhile longer. Besides, Lily also loves those garlic fries, so we’ll both have kickin’ breath, together.”

 

Sirius snorts as he rummages through his top drawer for the Lara bars he keeps stashed away. He pulls out an apple pie one, peeling off the wrapper and breaking off half to offer to Remus. Remus is typing away, ignoring his surroundings, but when Sirius pokes at his cheek with the Lara bar, he wordlessly turns slightly towards Sirius, lips parted so that Sirius can stuff the snack into his mouth, his eyes never leaving his screen.

 

Sirius turns back to James and Dorcas. “Wow, mutual stank breath as a basis for romantic bliss? That’s a new one, Prongs, but best of luck to you. Every relationship has to start somewhere.”

 

James raises an eyebrow, drumming his fingers on the desk. “You want to get started on relationship talk, Pads? For real?” He opens his mouth to continue, but a punch on the arm from Dorcas causes him to snap his trap shut as he looks up to exchange a knowing glance with her. Sirius scowls, turning back towards his laptop and watching it as it slowly starts up. He checks his phone, noting that there’s only ten minutes left until their all hands meeting. No point in checking his emails until after the meeting is over, then. He’s irritated enough as it is with Dorcas and James being all up in his business.

 

 

**_Tuesday, April 8, 2014, 7:36pm_ **

 

“So then after she asks what my sign is, I tell her I prefer to use stems-and-branches, you know, the Chinese sexagenary cycle, hoping that she’ll be intimidated and get off my back- and she offers to fucking introduce me to her astrologer, who is, and I quote, ‘completely authentic, like, a genuine Chinese lady.’ I was like, girl, are you serious?  _ I’m _ a genuine Chinese lady, and I don’t need a fucking astrologer when I have my genuine Chinese grandma texting me my fortune every week.”

 

Sirius laughs heartily as Marlene flips her hair over her shoulder defiantly. Remus is giggling into his vodka tonic, his elbow brushing against Sirius’ as he shakes with glee. Sirius sneaks a look at Remus. As much as he views Remus as the literal sun at the center of his shitty, fucked up solar system, if he’s being real, he has to admit that there’s nothing particularly special about Remus, not physically, not at first glance anyway. He’s a nice enough looking guy, but there are a lot of nice looking guys around these parts.  _ Really _ nice looking guys. Remus’ shoulders stoop somewhat, he’s a bit too thin, and his eyes are frequently rimmed with dark circles. 

 

When Remus smiles, however … fuck. When he smiles, all bets are off. Remus’ smile is bright and sunny, with a mischievous glint that makes your toes curl. Remus’ smile makes you feel like he’s about to share a private joke with you, something that only the two of you know, something that’s special and unique. Remus’ smile makes his whole face light up, no matter how tired he is. Remus’ smile makes Sirius want to do anything, everything, that will keep that smile in place.

 

“Moony! How you doing, eh? Are you ready?” James has wandered over to stand between Remus and Sirius, throwing an arm over each of them. He’s looking back and forth between them, wriggling his eyebrows.

 

Remus’ brow furrows. “Ready for what? Damn it, Prongs, please don’t tell me you’ve lost another bet and now I have to make out with you again.”

 

James gasps, placing a hand to his chest in mock offense. “Moony, that was one time, two years ago. And you loved it. James Potter is an excellent kisser, this is a fact that everyone in the valley should know.” James raises the volume of his voice slightly as he speaks that last sentence, looking around the room, probably trying to spot Lily, no doubt.

 

“Anyways, Moony … um, I kinda did lose a bet. Dorcas is making me do the dance.”

 

Remus smirks, stirring his drink with a straw. “Sucks for you, man. Pads and I won’t mock you too hard.”

 

James pushes his lower lip into a pout, wrapping his arms around Remus’ neck, resting his chin on Remus’ curls. “Moonyyyyyyyy! I can’t do the dance by myself! It’s  _ our _ dance! We choreographed it together! It’s a duet, not a solo act! Please, Moony?”

 

Remus sighs, elbowing James in the ribs and pushing his stool away from the counter, stubbing James’ toes in the process. “Alright, fine. But I’m not doing it without props.”

 

James grins cheekily, grabbing Remus’ hand and giving his arm a tug. “No worries, Dorcas has two chairs set up. Marls, can you ask the kitchen for two dish towels? I’m not allowed back there after I got caught hunting for the hummus last time. Miguel never forgets a face and I don’t want to get kicked out.”

 

Marlene shakes her head fondly as she gets up from her seat, following James as he drags Remus out to the middle of the room, where Dorcas has cleared some space for a dance floor. Sirius turns on his stool, making sure that he’s got a good view of the action. He’s seen the dance before, of course, too many times to count, but Remus seldom allows for public performances. Must be the vodka tonics.

 

“So, what exactly am I about to see here?” Lily slides into the stool next to Sirius, resting her elbows on the counter behind her, looking over at Sirius expectantly, if a bit warily.

 

Sirius smiles back at her, laughing a bit. “You’re in for a treat. It’s the dance.  _ The _ dance. Remus never does the dance in public. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Lily.”

 

Lily looks confused for a moment, until the restaurant speakers switch over to a new song.  _ Shut up and Drive _ by Rihanna. Lily’s eyes widen as Remus and James make their way to the dance floor, each of them holding a dish towel in one hand. As Rihanna starts crooning, Remus and James break into a carefully choreographed dance in tune to the music. There is suggestive towel swinging, there are looks over shoulders, there is chair straddling. Remus and James are completely in synch as they roll their hips with practiced ease, smacking their  _ whole lotta boom in the back _ exactly in time with the lyrics.

 

Lily’s eyes are wide as she leans over towards Sirius. “Um … what am I seeing, exactly?”

 

Sirius chuckles quietly. “You’re seeing the dance. The music video doesn’t have a dance sequence, not really, so Remus and James made one up in tribute to RiRi, who has graced us with enough artistic gifts already.”

 

Lily snorts. “So they just woke up one morning and thought, hey, let’s make up a dance sequence to some old pop song?”

 

Sirius laughs, rubbing his hand on his neck as he watches Remus grin widely, swinging his towel, looking so carefree and relaxed. “Not exactly, but pretty close. It was our first winter break in college. Moony’s first Christmas without his parents, after the car crash. He was … it wasn’t a great time. We tried our best to keep him occupied, you know? Keep his spirits up. One night, we were pretty wasted, pulling up random music videos on YouTube. This song came on, James and Remus got inspired, and the rest is history.”

 

There’s a small smile on Lily’s face as she looks back at Remus and James, who are wrapping up the show. “You guys look out for each other, don’t you? Especially Rem, though.”

 

Sirius reaches behind to the counter to grab his drink, swirling the ice cubes and staring into the glass. “Moony needs looking after. He hasn’t got anyone else to do it, and he sure as shit doesn’t do it himself. He won’t admit to it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.” 

 

There’s some hesitation in Lily’s voice as she speaks. “Sirius, it’s none of my business-”

 

“Then maybe you shouldn’t say anything.” Sirius’ tone is sharp as he grips his glass tightly.

 

“Look, Sirius, I’ve known you guys for two years, and in that two years  _ no one _ has said anything, and I’m fucking tired of it. What the hell is going on between you and Remus? Rem’s my friend, and I guess you are too, by this point. I’m tired of watching this shit. If you tell me nothing’s going on, so help me-”

 

“For fuck’s sake! It’s- why don’t you- I can’t-” Sirius spins around in his stool, shoving his glass down the bar and pressing his fists into the countertop. He feels a hand resting softly on his arm.

 

“It’s okay, Sirius. If you’re confused, or whatever, about your sexuality. I’ve been there. I was fifteen when everything came to a head for me, and shit, man- I’ve  _ been _ there. You can talk to me. I won’t judge.”

 

Sirius shifts his eyes over to meet Lily’s. She looks genuinely concerned, her green eyes soft as she meets Sirius’ steadfast gaze, not blinking or looking away.

 

Sirius sighs, resting his forehead in one hand. “It’s- I’m not confused, Lily. Not the way you think. I know I’m gay. I’ve always known. It’s fairly fucking obvious.”

 

Lily looks a bit taken aback by this information. “You- then what’s the issue? Are you worried that your friends will judge you? They’re all gay-ish, too. Except James, I guess, but- or is it that you think Rem doesn’t like you back? Because you clearly like him a lot. It’s normal to be nervous, but I really don’t think-”

 

“No, it’s not- I’m not worried about that- it’s just-” Sirius bites his lower lip hard, rubbing the corner of his eye with his palm. “Look, Lily. This is confidential, right?” Lily nods somberly. “Alright well … I don’t want people to know I’m gay. Not because I give a shit about that, but because if I admit to it, then it’ll be even more obvious that I want something with Moony, and then Prongs won’t fucking stop until he’s gotten us roped into some sort of dating situation and it- it just won’t work out, okay? Neither of us- we don’t- I mean, relationships just aren’t- and then it’ll be awkward as fuck, and I can’t-” Sirius sits up, waving his hands in the air like a jackass, unsure of how to express himself in a comprehensible way.

 

Despite his inarticulate response, Lily seems to understand as she nods sagely. “You’re worried that you two won’t be able to make a relationship work, and you’ll fuck up your friendship, is that right?”

 

Sirius nods, slumping his shoulders. “It’s just that … neither of us are relationship people, you know? I can’t- I just can’t do that type of commitment, and Moony, well, he’s got his reasons.”

 

Lily snorts derisively. “Rem’s always got reasons for why he can’t have the things he wants. It doesn’t mean they’re all legit reasons. They’re self-induced roadblocks, not actual detours. They’re able to be worked around. I dunno what your issues are, but Sirius … whatever baggage you two have, you clearly care for each other. I’m sure you could make it work.”

 

Sirius squirms uncomfortably. “That’s just it … I can’t make it work. I- not with Moony, not with anyone. I just- I’m not made for relationships. I can’t give him what he wants. What he needs.”

 

“Uh huh.” Lily’s tone is dubious. “And if all he wants is you? If all he needs is someone who loves him?”

 

Sirius chuckles, but there’s no mirth in his expression. “He doesn’t want me, not the way I am, not if he knew the way I  _ really _ am. And he needs more than love. He needs things that I can’t give him. Things that I can’t give  _ anyone. _ That’s the straight up truth.”

 

Lily looks concerned, but before she can respond, Sirius interrupts her. “Look, Prongs and Moony are headed back this way. Let’s just shut the fuck up about this for now, okay? Just tell Prongs how good his ass looked while he was prancing around up there. I know you were looking.”

 

Sirius grins wickedly as Lily ducks her head and laughs, elbowing him in the ribs gently. He’s surprised that he feels slightly better now that he’s spoken with Lily, even though he hasn’t said much, not really, even though he’s not sure if he’ll ever be able to say anything more detailed about his issues. 

 

James and Remus join them a moment later. James casually leans one arm against the counter, a cheeky grin on his face. “Well, Lily, what did you think of the show? Moony and I have some pretty sick moves, right?” He throws her a wink, ruffling his hair with his free hand, and it would look hella smooth if he didn’t adjust his stance slightly, moving his elbow into a patch of water from a melted ice cube, causing his arm to slip and shoot out from under him. James lets out a small shriek as he loses his balance, slamming his arm against Sirius’ drink and knocking his glasses off his face as he flails around trying not to wipe out completely.

 

As Lily and Sirius laugh to the point of tears, Remus manages to catch the drink before it slides off the counter. He knocks back the last of the vodka, shaking the empty glass and nudging Sirius. “Looks like we need another round, Pads. Get me something fun. Something to drown out all the embarrassment.” Remus’ cheeks are flushed, but he’s smiling happily, that carefree smile of his, the smile that Sirius can’t help but return.

 

Lily stops laughing long enough to clear her throat and wipe the tears from the corners of her eyes. “You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, Rem. You guys were great! I loved it. You did Rihanna proud. It was very hot.” She catches Sirius’ eye and smiles, although her expression fades from cheery to pensive as she flicks her gaze back and forth subtly between Sirius and Remus. Sirius panics slightly, trying to think of something to say to change the subject, but before he can get a word out, James pipes up.

 

“So, you thought it was hot, huh? Are you talking about Moony only, or am I included in that statement as well?” The line sounds almost cheesy, but the look of hope on James’ face is so earnest that Sirius isn’t surprised to see Lily blush a little as she stands up quickly from her stool.

 

“You … you both did a great job. Rem’s right, we need another round, stat. Come on Sirius, I’ll go with you for the drinks. Rem, make sure James doesn’t fall over again while we’re gone.”

 

Lily grabs Sirius’ hand and pulls him towards the main bar so fast that he nearly stumbles over his own feet. Sirius snickers as Lily looks back at him, throwing an exasperated look over her shoulder, though she can’t hide the smile that’s blooming on her face. 

 

Sirius smirks. It’s only a matter of time until these two losers get over themselves and hook up. He perks up at the thought of James’ pathetic pining finally ending. It’d be nice if he and Lily got together. James can be an ass, but he’s a good guy. He deserves someone decent, and the more Sirius gets to know Lily, the more he thinks she’s a pretty cool person who’d be an alright addition to the marauders’ friendship dynamic.

 

He certainly feels a bit better now that he’s actually said out loud what he’s known for years. Lily was pretty chill about the whole thing, and she’s certainly been through her own shit. Maybe she would understand, if he told her everything. Maybe she’d be able to give him some advice on how to get over Moony, if she knew the whole story. If she knew the whole story, surely she would not be so insistent on pushing him to confess his feelings. She’d know that there’d be no point. No point in hoping for more when Sirius has nothing more to give.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As accurate as I am trying to be in portraying the Bay Area, I have to admit that although Sky High Sports is a real place, I am fairly certain that the Weasley-Prewetts do not own or operate it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for the lovely kudos and comments! I'd love to hear from you, either here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo).
> 
> Next week, stay tuned for a bunch of wolfstar bonding, with some more Remus backstory thrown in.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ice cream and iritis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree are the reason this chapter is finished and semi-coherent, so thank you as always to those three for putting up with my shenanigans.
> 
> TW for discussion of medical stuff but nothing graphic.

**_**FLASHBACK, 9 MONTHS PRIOR**_ **

 

**_Monday, July 15, 2013, 6.37am_ **

 

Sirius is jerked out of a sound sleep by the sound of his phone going off. He squints as he checks the time on his bedside clock. Why the fuck is his alarm going off twenty three minutes early? Blinking, he hangs off the side of his bed, fumbling around on the floor for the damn thing. It takes him a moment to realize that it’s not his alarm, it’s an incoming phone call, from Remus, who is in the room down the hall, as far as he knows.

 

Sirius swipes his phone to answer the call, flopping back onto the bed. “Moony? Is that you? Did you sleepwalk or something? Did you get locked out by the pool again?”

 

“Pads.” Remus’ voice is barely a whisper. Sirius shoots up into a seated position. “Moony? What the fuck- are you alright? Where are you? I’ll come get you. Did someone- are you- if you’re in trouble-”

 

“Pads, no, I’m- it’s fine. I’m in my bed.”

 

Sirius’ legs tangle in his sheets, causing him to fall off the side of the bed onto the floor in his rush to get up.

 

“OW, FUCK- Moony, hang on, I’ll be right there.” Sirius scrambles to his feet, dropping his phone, stumbling out of his room and into the hall, stubbing his toe on the door jamb, clad only in a pair of boxer briefs and a too-small tshirt that Peter picked up from some charity 5K that he didn’t actually run. He hurries past the living room where Peter is curled up on the couch, being careful to be as quiet as possible while he hobbles towards Moony’s room as fast as he can.

 

Sirius throws open the door, whipping his head back and forth wildly as he scans the room, looking for signs of a struggle, or an intruder, or something, anything amiss. Instead, he sees Remus lying on his back, sheets kicked to the foot of the bed, a pillow pressed firmly over his face. Sunlight is streaming through the window, which is bare as the curtain has been pushed to the side, ripped and hanging haphazardly.

 

Sirius moves carefully towards the bed, sitting gently on the edge. “Moony? You okay? Why are you up so early? Why didn’t you just come down the hall and poke me awake if you needed something? Why are your curtains ripped?”

 

Remus doesn’t answer. His hands grip tighter into the pillow. Sirius can see that his chest is moving up and down rapidly, filling with heavy breaths.

 

Sirius feels awkward, and a little nervous as the seconds tick by with no reply. “Moony? What’s wrong? Are you trying to smother yourself? If you don’t want to go into work we’ll just call in with food poisoning again.”

 

Still no answer from Remus. Sirius is crossing the line from concern into annoyance. It’s too early for this shit. “Damn it, Moony, talk to me for fuck’s sake-” Sirius grabs the pillow and yanks it sharply away from Remus’ face.

 

“AUGHHHH!” Remus howls in pain, grasping wildly for the pillow. “Give it back, Pads, fuck, give it-” He manages to grab the pillow and press it back onto his face, seeing as Sirius drops his grasp on the damn thing in shock once he sees Remus’ face.

 

Remus’ eyes, to be specific. They’re blood red, straight through to the pupil. His eyelids and the skin around his eyes are puffy and swollen. They look even worse than the time James sprayed himself in the face with pepper spray mostly on accident. 

 

Sirius gingerly rests a hand on top of the pillow. “Moony, what the fuck happened? Did you get something in your eyes? Shit, does it hurt?”

 

“Oh no, Pads, it doesn’t hurt. Feels good, actually. I hope they stay like this all the time.”

 

Sirius scowls. “Quit it, Moony. Either tell me what happened or else I’m calling Prongs in here, and you know he won’t let up until you’re back in the ER again.”

 

Remus sighs heavily from underneath the pillow. “I don’t know what happened. I woke up, got out of bed. Had to be up early for that meeting in the city. My eyes felt funny and my vision was blurry, and then when I opened the curtains, it was like someone was jamming corkscrews through my retinas.”

 

Sirius leaps up, running over to the window and wrenching the curtain shut. He grabs a few push pins from Remus’ desk to secure the torn part to the wall. Once the room is significantly darkened, Sirius walks back over to the bed, sitting back down and patting Remus on the hand.

 

“Okay, Moony, it’s darker now. Take the pillow off and we’ll have another look.”

 

Slowly, the pillow moves upward, over the top of Remus’ face as he jams it between his head and the wall. His eyes are still shut. Carefully, they crack open ever so slightly, thin slits of amber.

 

“It’s… fuck, Pads… it hurts, but it’s not like… where’s my phone?” Remus pulls himself into a sitting position, shifting back so he’s leaning against the wall, the pillow supporting his lower back. Sirius spots Remus’ phone on the floor and picks it up, handing it over. Remus shakes his head, passing the phone back to Sirius.

 

“You do it. Turn on the flashlight and shine it in my eye. I can’t see what I’m doing. I had to use Siri to call you this morning.”

 

Sirius lets out a derisive snort. “I’m not shining a light in your eyes, Moony. You know it’s going to fucking hurt, so why-”

 

“Just do it.” Remus’ voice is sharp, cold. Taken aback, Sirius quickly turns on the flashlight, shining it carefully into Remus’ face. Remus inhales sharply, turning his head away.

 

“Yep. Light sensitive for sure. Fuck… I can’t… I need to get dressed, Pads, help me find something to wear.”

 

A short burst of laughter escapes before Sirius can stop himself. “You have to be joking, Moony. You can’t fucking see. You can’t be in the light. You’re a blind vampire. You’re not going into the office like this.”

 

Remus’ lips are pressed together tightly. “I’m not going into the office, no. I told you, I’m going into the city for a meeting. The Comcast team is in town and Minerva wants me on hand for the presentation. I can’t skip it, Pads. This is my first big-shot client meeting. The team’s counting on me. I can’t not go. What the fuck am I supposed to say? Sorry Minerva, I went blind overnight.”

 

Sirius shrugs. “I could send her a pic? Honestly, Moony, you look like you’ve got some sort of demon plague. I don’t even- do you think it’s pink eye? Something nasty you picked up at that club on Saturday?”

 

Remus sighs deeply, tugging at his curls. “Pink eye doesn’t cause light sensitivity, or blurred vision. It’s probably some sort of eye inflammation. Dr. Reid gave me that list of symptoms to look out for, stuff that would mean I’d have to go on stronger meds. This shit was on the list. Can cause blindness eventually. Fabulous.”

 

Sirius runs a hand through his hair nervously. “So… you think it’s part of your autoimmune thingy? The spondyloarthritis? Does that- it can spread to your eyes? That seems weird. It’s a joint disease.”

 

Remus’ head is in his hands. His legs are drawn into his chest tightly, elbows resting on his knees. “It’s not  _ spreading, _ it’s a related thing, but separate. I don’t know. Dr. Reid said to call her if I had any new symptoms and she’d make room for me in the schedule.”

 

“Perfect! I’ll call her up, Dr. Carla loves me, I’ll get you on the schedule first thing, and then we’ll-”

 

“I’m not going in! I can’t- I have to- the meeting- FUCK!” Remus grabs the pillow from behind him and flings it across the room with surprising force, knocking over a lamp and a large stack of books on the edge of the desk. Sirius’ eyes are wide. He doesn’t say a word as Remus shoves his fists into the mattress and bangs his head back against the wall with a loud thump.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this, fuck me, fuck everything, what the fuck. Like my life isn’t fucked up enough already. What’s the fucking point of doing  _ anything _ when it’s all going to go to shit anyway? Every time I fucking get something good, some new random fucking issue comes up, out of fucking nowhere, because  _ heaven fucking forbid _ I have anything nice. Everything I want gets fucking ripped out of my hands. I fucking hate everything.”

 

Remus falls silent, a lone tear sliding down his left cheek. His breathing is heavy and ragged. Sirius feels his stomach tightening. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s never seen Remus act like this. Remus doesn’t lose his chill like Peter. He doesn’t curse so fucking much like Sirius. He certainly doesn’t cry like James.

 

Remus is the calm one, the clear headed one, the one who rolls with the punches and accepts when things go to shit. He doesn’t let on when he’s upset. The marauders usually have to figure it out later, when Remus breaks into Peter’s molly at three in the afternoon, or hides out in the swag storage room at work during lunch listening to Scandinavian electronica, or finds the biggest, angriest looking person at a bar and blows their boyfriend in the bathroom.

 

Remus being this upset, this openly upset, is starting to make Sirius nervous. Maybe he should call James or Peter in. No, those two jackasses will fuss over him and make things worse. He’s got to handle this.

 

Sirius rests a hand lightly on Remus’ fist. “Look, Moony. I don’t- fuck. Look. You can’t go to that presentation. You’ll scare the Comcast team. Minnie will smack you upside the head if you set foot in that damn meeting looking like patient zero. So just… deal with that reality, okay?”

 

Remus doesn’t say anything, but his fists relaxes somewhat, loosening enough for Sirius to lace his fingers through and give Remus’ hand a squeeze.

 

“I’m going to call Dr. Carla. I’ll make you an appointment. I’ll keep Prongs and Wormy out of here. You just sit tight. Don’t get out of that damn bed. Your smoothie is coming to you once I get those two shitheads out of the house. Prongs’ll go to that meeting in your place. This is all happening, even if you hate it, so you’re just going to have to fucking deal with it.”

 

Sirius pulls his hand away from Remus’, hesitating slightly as he brushes it through Remus’ curls gently before he stands abruptly from the bed, marching towards the door.

 

“Hang tight, Moony, and stop freaking out, or else I’ll let Prongs and Wormy in so they can mother hen you to death. If they don’t immediately perish from your freaky alien eyeball germs.”

 

Sirius smirks when he feels a pair of balled up socks hit him squarely between the shoulder blades as he heads out of the room.

  
  


**_**PRESENT DAY**_ **

 

**_Thursday, April 10, 2014, 1.36pm_ **

 

Sirius grimaces as a trickle of vanilla soy ice cream runs down his wrist. “Moony, grab a napkin and take care of that, will you? Fuck’s sake, why couldn’t we have just eaten at Cream? Why do you want to eat every meal outside in all this awful nature? You’re a feral creature at heart.”

 

Remus snickers, dragging a napkin haphazardly through the mess on Sirius’ arm. “You can’t smoke in Cream. Hurry up and split the damn thing before you drip all over your clothes.”

 

Sirius carefully breaks the ice cream cookie sandwich into two pieces, handing the larger half to Remus. In three quick bites, Sirius’ portion is gone and he’s pretending to wipe his hands on Remus’ jeans. Remus shouts and scoots away from Sirius, tossing a handful of napkins at him.

 

“Gross, Pads! Clean yourself up and fill the pen. I’m going to need to chill out a bit before we see Dr. Reid.” He gives an involuntary shudder as he nibbles on his sandwich, concentrating intently to ensure that not one drip or crumb escapes from his grasp.

 

Sirius pulls the vape pen and a baggie of pot from Remus’ bag and begins prepping it. They’re sitting on top of a picnic table in El Camino park. Remus has his Spotify pulled up to play ScHoolboy Q’s latest album,  _ Oxymoron.  _

 

Remus nods towards a clearing in the park, where a group of hippies is doing a bastardized form of Tai Chi. One lanky white dude with unkempt dreadlocks falls over with seemingly no provocation. “Check out the wild fauna, Pads. We get a much more interesting show here.”

 

Sirius smirks, taking a hit from the pen. “True, Moony, very true. Hurry up and finish that ice cream before I finish off the weed.”

 

Remus pops the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth, reaching out his hand for the pen, which Sirius silently passes over. As Remus inhales,  _ Collard Greens _ featuring Kendrick Lamar- one of Remus’ favorite artists- flips on, causing him to laugh, coughing a bit.

 

“It’s like Kendrick Lamar knows what we’re doing right at this moment, so he starts singing about weed. The man’s a genius.”

 

Sirius pounds Remus on the back until he stops coughing and is able to take another hit. “Moony, this whole album’s about weed. I don’t think there’s much to read into.”

 

Remus raises an eyebrow, passing the pen back to Sirius. “Incorrect, Pads, as usual. This album is about a wide variety of vices. Don’t doubt my connection with Kendrick.” He sighs deeply, leaning back on his elbows and closing his eyes as Kendrick’s Spanish verse starts up. 

 

“I love this shit. Listen to those beats, how they’re layered, how the lyrics blend so perfectly with the music. Brilliant stuff. Hip hop manages to blend fun and politics and creativity and rebellion… I don’t know why people are so reluctant to give it the credit it deserves.”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes, passing the pen back to Remus. “Oh come on, you damn well know why. Same reason why Prongs and I get the special ass-grabby pat down every time we go to the airport. Same reason why when we go into the city, the tourists ask Wormy for directions, even though he dresses like he dug through a thrift store dumpster. Same reason why you’ve been questioned by the Stanford security guards five times as often as the rest of us combined.”

 

Remus says nothing, closing his eyes as he inhales a second time before passing back the pen, straightening up to lean forward, elbows resting on his knees, fingers fidgeting together. He gives Sirius a side-eye glance before clearing his throat.

 

“I got an email from my aunt. She wants me to stop by the next time I’m in Oakland. Says she found some old pictures of moms that she wants me to have.”

 

Sirius narrows his eyes. “She can’t fucking mail them? I don’t want to see that fucking shitbag she calls a husband. Or maybe I do. We owe him a snackdown.”

 

Remus sighs deeply. “You’ve never even met him. And you never will. I would make sure he wasn’t there when we went. It’s not- you’re making too big a deal out of things, Pads.”

 

Sirius turns to glare at Remus. “That fucking prejudiced asshole kicked you out of the house and left you to starve on the streets with no support and no fucking insurance. He doesn’t deserve anything but my fist in his face.”

 

Remus runs a hand down his own face, looking tired. “There’s no need to be such a drama queen, Pads. He didn’t kick me out. I chose to leave. I could have stayed, it just would have been… awkward.  And I wasn’t on the streets. I was doing alright on the AirBNB circuit. I mean, yeah, he didn’t totally love that moms married a white guy, but if I avoided contact with everyone who thought that way, I’d be hard pressed to function. It’s not like pop’s straight-up racist family is any better. Even around here, where everyone’s all about paying lip service to embracing the diversity and all that good stuff… I still get followed by employees when I’m browsing in some of the fancier stores downtown. But shit, Pads, I just do my best not to dwell on it. Life’s shitty enough. Spend too much time thinking about how screwed up the world is and it makes you want to never leave the house.”

 

Sirius snorts. “What’s wrong with that plan? We’ll send Wormy out to deal with the assholes and procure the weed and groceries, while we sit at home watching Netflix and ignoring the plight of humanity.”

 

Remus laughs, grabbing the pen back from Sirius. Before he takes a hit, he shifts back slightly, patting his thigh. Sirius drops his head into Remus’ lap, swinging his legs up onto the table top. He closes his eyes as Remus’ hand threads through his hair.

 

Sirius is still pissed about Remus and his prejudiced ass family. He doesn’t understand why Remus doesn’t tell them to go fuck themselves and ghost them all. That’s what Sirius did, and it turned out just fine. Sirius never even thinks about them, not even a little bit. He’s a Potter now in every way that matters. Except for his name, but come on. Sirius Potter? That’s weak as hell. Sirius Black is a far more badass name. 

 

As irritated as he is, Sirius feels himself calming as Remus’ fingers work their way through the tangles in his hair. Remus has always been able to sooth him when he gets worked up, which is fairly often. This is a pretty common position to find themselves in. Once, years ago, James had made some crude remark about Sirius’ face being in Remus’ crotch all the time. Remus had laughed it off. Later, Sirius had cut the crotch out of all of James’ boxer briefs. James has kept his trap shut about it ever since. 

 

Sirius opens one eye, peering up at Remus. “Moony… if you really want to get those pictures, we can go up to the town for the day. Get some soul food. Screw around in Jack London Square. We’ll make Prongs drive, though. I’m not spending two hours on public transport each way. Besides, the BART is nasty.”

 

Remus looks down, blowing a cloud of smoke in Sirius’ face. “You guys don’t have to come. I don’t need an escort. I can go alone.”

 

Sirius chuckles, reaching a hand back to poke Remus in his side. “When’s the last time Prongs let any of us do anything on our own? I swear, half the time I go to take a piss, I don’t even have to go, I just want five minutes to myself.”

 

Remus laughs, pulling his hand from Sirius’ hair and tapping him on the forehead. “Come on, we’ve got to get a move on if I’m going to be on time for my appointment.”

 

Sirius hops off the table, shaking his head and gathering his hair up into a messy bun, which he secures with one of the hair ties that he constantly keeps around his wrist. He looks over at Remus, who is climbing carefully off the table. He brushes his hands on the front of his jeans, straightens his shirt with jerky movements, fiddles with the beanie that’s pulled over his curls.

 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “You nervous, Moony? Excited about the big magical medicine debut?”

 

Remus shakes his head, his lower lip caught between his teeth. “I don’t know, Pads. It’s… I don’t want to be excited. If I’m excited, then it’s just going to be that much harder when it doesn’t work out, you know? I’ve been down this road before, too many times. Doctors telling me they figured out the problem, whatever solution they cobble together working for awhile, and then, sooner or later, I’m right back where I started.”

 

Sirius wrinkles his nose. “Yeah, but those doctors were tools who didn’t know what they were doing. Dr. Carla knows what she’s doing. If she says this shit will work, it’ll work. She’s a miracle worker. Got you diagnosed for real, didn’t she?”

 

Remus laughs without humor as they walk back towards James’ Prius. “I’ve been diagnosed before. When they believed me, that is. Remember that ER doctor last year, the one who thought I was a junkie?”

 

Sirius narrows his eyes, remembering that fucking asshole perfectly well. He’d started asking some fairly pointed questions, indicating that Remus was faking his pain to score pills, showing no empathy for Remus, who was unable to walk or stand upright due to the crippling pain in his lower back. Sirius was half a second from strangling the jackass with his own stethoscope when James had sharply requested to speak to his supervisor. A few strategically chosen Potter name drops, and Remus had been assigned to the highest ranking physician on duty, leaving the ER with a prescription for painkillers, a reference to the best rheumatologist at Stanford med, and the phone number for one of the nurses.

 

When, somehow, that phone number disappeared from Remus’ phone by the following morning, Sirius was just as befuddled as the rest of them, ignoring James’ suspicious glares and Peter’s poorly concealed smirks.

  
  


**_Thursday, April 10, 2014, 2.15pm_ **

 

“Padfoot! Get away from the tongue depressors! I swear, I don’t understand your obsession with them, you freak.” Remus is sitting on the examination bench, swinging his legs nervously, his small cooler clutched between his hands. He is glaring at Sirius as he rifles through the examination room cabinets.

 

“I can’t explain it, Moony. I like snapping them in half. It’s just so… satisfying.” Sirius grins happily as he finds the stash of tongue depressors, snagging a handful and stuffing them into Remus’ bag.

 

Just as he finishes his hoarding, the rheumatologist sweeps into the room. “Hello, Remus. I bet you’re excited for today.” She gives Remus a wink as she brusquely flips through his chart, tucking a loose strand of curly, dark hair behind her ear.

 

Sirius grins widely. “Hi Dr. Carla! Did you miss me?” He hops up onto the exam bench next to Remus, smirking cheekily.

 

Dr. Reid smiles indulgently at the two of them. “Nice to see you, Sirius, as always. I’m glad you’re here. You need to keep an eye on Remus with this new medication, eh? He has to stay on schedule with it, or things can get complicated.”

 

Remus huffs as he folds his arms across his chest. “I’m not a child. I can manage my own medication.”

 

Dr. Reid raises an eyebrow skeptically. “Oh really? So it wasn’t you who skipped their NSAID dosages so often that you caused a flare-up?”

 

Remus ducks his head, his cheeks darkening slightly. “I… I was trying to save the pills. Get a stash going. In case insurance stopped covering them.”

 

Dr. Reid sighs, walking over and resting a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “Remus, I’ve told you before. Don’t worry about insurance. I deal with those people all the time. I won’t let them take your medication away. And if you lose your insurance again, I’ll make sure you’ve got a supply to get you through until we figure out a new plan. You don’t have to worry. It’s bad for your health.”

 

Sirius snorts. “Moony wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he didn’t have to spend all his time expecting the worst. He might have to take up a different old-person hobby, like knitting or coin collecting.”

 

Remus punches Sirius lightly on the shoulder, chuckling. Dr. Reid rolls her eyes. “Alright, Remus. are you ready for your first dose of Humira? You brought it with you?”

 

“Yes, ma’am.” Remus holds up the cooler bag with one hand, waving it in the air before unzipping it and pulling out a sealed autoinjector pen made of brightly colored maroon and grey plastic.

 

Dr. Reid smiles, taking the pen from Remus. “I’ll let that sit out for a minute. It’s less painful when the pen has been sitting out the fridge for twenty minutes or so. Let me get you a practice pen to play around with.” 

 

She drops Remus’ Humira on the counter and rummages through a drawer, pulling out a fake Humira pen. After only five or so minutes of pretending to stab each other, Sirius and Remus both take turns pretending to inject themselves with the pen.

 

Remus jabs Sirius in the side with his elbow. “Pads, why are you even practicing? You’re not planning on stealing my meds, are you? Because I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna get any sort of buzz off them.”

 

Sirius sighs dramatically. “Moony, what’s going to happen if you’re incapacitated on a medication day? What if you’ve been knocked unconscious and you need your meds? What if it’s the zombie apocalypse and we’ve lost refrigeration privileges so we can’t wait a day for you to regain consciousness? I’ll have to be the one to give you the dosage, and you’ll be grateful that I know how.”

 

Remus reaches up to tug on Sirius’ bun as Sirius attempts to smack his hand away. “That’s a very logical explanation, Pads. There’s no such thing as being over prepared for the zombie apocalypse. You’re so wise.”

 

“Alright boys, let’s get this done. Remus, do you feel comfortable? We’ve gone over the risks and the benefits. You know about the injection pain. Did you read the literature I sent home with you? Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. It’s your health, your body, and I want you to feel completely comfortable.”

 

Remus shakes his head. “No, I’m good to go. I’m ready.” There’s a small smile on his face, hope and reluctance flickering across his face intermittently.

 

Sirius clears his throat. “Um, I had a question. The increased cancer risk… that’s… is that… we shouldn’t worry about that, right? You said we shouldn’t.” The thought of Remus getting any sicker is frankly terrifying to Sirius. It’s not fair that his evil fucking relatives live well into their nineties, while someone like Remus is looking at a shortened lifespan. Sirius sincerely hopes that his own parents kick the bucket sooner rather than later and break the trend.

 

Dr. Reid smiles gently. “Sirius, that’s an excellent question, but remember what we talked about last time. Remus’ risk of cancer is already enhanced by having this disease at all. The Humira won’t raise his risk very significantly when you look at all of the factors. And besides, we’ll be keeping a close eye on him, won’t we? If any cancer complications arise, it won’t be for a long, long time, and we’ll be able to deal with them right away.”

 

Sirius lets out a shaky breath, nodding his head. “Yeah, right. It’ll be fine. Hear that Moony? Stop fretting so much.” He shoves Remus’ shoulder before mussing his curls a bit. Remus slaps his hands away, snickering.

 

“Settle down, boys. Let’s do this, shall we?” Dr. Reid has the Humira pen in her hand as she looks at the two of them questioningly.

 

Remus holds out his hand, accepting the pen and tearing the plastic wrapping carefully. He shoves the pen into Sirius’ hand. “Hold this. I’ve got to get my pants off.” 

 

Sirius cradles the pen gently in a loose grip as Remus wiggles his jeans down to his knees. He’s not embarrassed at the sight of Remus in his boxers. He’s seen Remus in less. The marauders have gone skinny dipping more times than Sirius can count, or remember, for that matter.

 

Once he notices that Remus is once again wearing Sirius’ own boxers, however, he feels a strange warmth in his chest that is unfamiliar. He swallows nervously. Fuck. He reaches out to squeeze Remus’ hand once more. “It’s alright, Moony. Go ahead. I’ll be here, and I probably won’t laugh that hard when you cry.”

 

Remus chuckles. “I think you’re more stressed about this than I am, Pads. It’ll be fine.”

 

Sirius nods, struggling to keep his breathing steady. “That’s right. It’ll be fine, and it’ll work, and then you can come to Bangalore with us for once this summer without worrying about overseas flares.”

 

Remus coughs as he shakes his head. “No I can’t... I still can’t go to Bangalore, that’s too- I won’t be able to- I could still get-”

 

Dr. Reid clears her throat. “Remus, we’ve been over this. The Humira will keep all of your symptoms in check. It’s highly likely that you won’t have any flares. You’ll be able to travel. You won’t have any restrictions on living your life.”

 

Remus looks more nervous than Sirius has ever seen him. Sirius isn’t sure why a normal life is such a paralyzing concept for Remus. He pinches Remus on the ribs.

 

“Come on, Moony, you ready to do this? Let’s roll.”

 

Remus sighs, twirling the pen between his fingers. “Let’s do this.” He has a resigned look on his face.

 

Dr. Reid hands Remus an alcohol swab, which he swipes across his thigh. “Remember, Remus... this is going to hurt. But no matter what, you have to hold the pen in place for fifteen seconds. Got it?”

 

Remus nods calmly. “I’m used to pain. I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Without hesitation, Remus pinches the flesh of his left thigh, presses the pen to his skin, and pushes the button.

 

Immediately, his eyes fly completely open into wide, white circles as he inhales sharply. His hand does not move from the pen, but Sirius notices his fingers trembling slightly, his face getting pale, his breathing becoming more shallow as the time drags on.

 

“Time’s up! Fifteen seconds is over. Great job, Remus!” Dr. Reid gently removes the pen from Remus’ hand, capping the ends and depositing it into the Sharps container in the corner of the room.

 

Sirius has one arm around Remus immediately, using his free hand to press Remus’ head to his shoulder. “You okay, Moony? Fuck- shit, Dr. Carla, I’m so fucking sorry for cursing- shit! Moony, do you need to lie down? Do you need water? What can I- what do you need?”

 

Remus looks up at Sirius, his eyes a bit glazed. “I just shot boiling lava into myself. I just spent fifteen seconds feeling fire run through my veins. It hurt.” He seems a bit out of it as Dr. Reid comes over with a glass of water and a bandage for the injection site.

 

“Remus, can you drink this for me? Please? Good job, good… okay, why don’t you lie down for a second. Sirius, can you help Remus lie down, please? Don’t worry, boys, this is why we have you take your first dose here in the office. This sort of thing happens all the time.”

 

Sirius is only half listening to the doctor as he shifts over, laying Remus’ head in his lap, struggling to keep himself from passing out as well. Fuck. Remus has to do this every other week? Fuck. Sirius’ feels his hands shaking as they run across Remus’ cheek, the back of his hand resting against Remus’ forehead, shuddering internally at how clammy he feels.

 

Dr. Reid eyes them both intently. “I’m going to get a cold compress. Sirius, don’t let him get up. He’ll be fine. Trust me. The shot… no matter how prepared you are, it’s a difficult experience at first. He’ll be fine. It was just surprising. Just keep him calm, okay?” Dr. Reid’s dark brown eyes bore into Sirius’ own silver ones as he nods jerkily. Dr. Reid strides quickly out of the room, leaving the two boys alone.

 

Remus turns his head upwards to meet Sirius’ gaze, his amber eyes looking upward, wide and guileless. “Pads… “

 

Sirius leans over slightly, his heart beating so rapidly that he’s sure Remus can hear it. “Yes? What is it, Moony? What do you need?”

 

“If you tell Prongs or Wormy about this… I’ll slip Wormy’s nudes into your Snapchat.”

 

Sirius laughs, his mood lifting as a genuine smile spreads across Remus’ face. “I solemnly swear, Moony, I will not tell Pads or Wormy that you swooned like a Victorian heroine… unless either I’m really wasted, or you change the password on the wifi again. Honestly, Moony, forcing us to live without wifi for even five seconds is cruel and unusual punishment. You deserved it when we retaliated by switching out all of your beanies for XXL versions.”

 

Sirius’ laughs turn into howls of pain as Remus jams his pointer finger directly into Sirius’ kidney before closing his eyes, sighing contently in Sirius’ embrace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you’re in shock that I managed to write an entire chapter without having Jily sneak in. I think we all needed some Sirius and Remus fluff, didn’t we? Next Tuesday’s chapter will pick up with some office drama and more Sirius-Lily bonding. 
> 
> I love the comments and feedback that you wonderful people are sharing! I’m always on Tumblr (nachodiablo) if you’d like to chat or let me know your thoughts on the story so far.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sports and Skinny-dipping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for non-descriptive transphobia. If that’s triggering for you, leave the kitchen when Snape comes in.
> 
> Thanks to my beta team reachthetree, Mirgaxus and Wereflamingo as always!

 

**_Friday, April 11, 2014, 9:52am_ **

 

Sirius is going to kick James in the shins. After all their years of mischief and mayhem together, James still can’t keep a straight fucking face half the time. 

 

James is sitting at his desk with a stupid smirk on his face, blatantly doing no work as he shovels handfuls of Sun Chips into his mouth, staring at time in the corner of his monitor screen as the minutes tick by, bringing them closer and closer to ten. Sirius digs through his top drawer and pulls out a small binder clip, carefully holding it between two fingers and angling it so that when he gives it a flick, it ricochets off the corner of James’ glasses.

 

“Augh! That fucking hurt, Pads! You’re gonna knock my nose off center.” James removes his glasses to rub gingerly at the bridge of his nose, glaring at Sirius, who is snickering as he rolls his chair far enough away that James will be unable to retaliate.

 

“You two are ridiculous. I can’t believe you assholes get paid to sit around, eat snacks and lowkey beat the shit out of each other all day. Why am I the only one who ever gets stuck doing actual work?” Remus’ tone is scathing, but he’s biting back a smile.

 

James snickers as he crumples the empty chip bag, tosses it in the trash and tries to wipe his hands on Sirius’ jeans. “It’s your own fault, Moony. You make poor professional decisions, such as answering your emails in a timely fashion, being polite to the clients, and taking on extra projects. All that attitude’s going to get you is more responsibility and a bonus check that gets eaten up by taxes before you ever see a dime of it. Come to the dark side, Moony, and start flagging more of your emails as spam.”

 

Remus sighs dramatically. “I need to remain the respectable marauder so I can bail the rest of you losers out of jail.”

 

“That was one time! Don’t lord that over us.” Sirius has fished out a handful of binder clips and is now gently attaching them in a row down Remus’ shirt sleeve. Remus is pretending not to notice, but every so often he looks over at Sirius and shakes his head fondly. “Besides, if you hadn’t snuck off to take a leak, you’d have been caught naked in that fountain as well.”

 

Remus raises an eyebrow, grinning wickedly. “Wrong again, Pads. I never get caught and you know it.”

 

Sirius is chuckling as he pretends to snap a binder clip on Remus’ nose. Remus grips his wrist playfully and kicks at his chair to push him away, laughing as Sirius grabs him by the ankle and tugs him closer.

 

“For fuck’s sake, will you two stop flirting and pay attention? It’s almost time.” James is looking over as Sirius and Remus, arms crossed over his chest, an amused smirk on his face. 

 

Sirius scowls, dropping Remus’ ankle and turning back to glare at his monitor. He doesn’t see how pestering the shit out of Remus counts as  _ flirting. _ He fucks with James far more often, but no one ever makes comments about the two of  _ them _ flirting. 

 

Is it because Remus actually likes dudes? It can’t be, because Remus and James once made out on a bet, and Dorcas had declared it the least gay thing she’d ever seen. Is it because people suspect that Sirius also likes dudes? So does Peter, though, and no one says shit when he slaps Remus on the ass on his way out the door.

 

Is it because James and Peter are so fucking annoying that it’s clear to everyone that there is no way in hell anyone would ever flirt with them without it being a complete joke? That’s the most logical explanation, Sirius supposes.

 

It’s just one more thing about relationships that seems to make sense to everyone else in the fucking world except for Sirius. Everyone else seems to be able to accurately label things “friendly” or “flirty”, and it irritates Sirius to no end that most of the time he can’t tell the difference.

 

At ten o’clock on the dot, James reaches over and pokes Sirius sharply in the shoulder. He’s grinning, ruffling his hair with one hand as he leans back in his chair, waiting patiently as the office fills with the sound of emails pinging on laptops and phones. A mixture of laughter and groans and  _ what the fucks _ can be heard from the various departments.

 

“How the hell did you guys do this? And… why? I don’t even have words.” Sirius turns around to see Lily standing behind the marauders’ desks, tapping one foot as she holds out her phone to show her latest email.

 

From: Godric Media Mayhem

To: Lily Evans

Subject: Hella Fine Pickup Lines For All Occasions

 

_ Are you a parking ticket? Because those new coinless meters behind the Safeway are a pain to figure out. _

 

Remus’ eyes are wide as he gazes up towards Lily, looking like the perfect picture of innocence that he most definitely fucking isn’t. Sirius coughs to hide his laughter as he shrugs his shoulders in mock confusion.

 

James, the worthless asshat, looks mildly deranged as he attempts to smooth his cheeky grin into a blank expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lily. I didn’t get that email. I did get a different one, though.” He points to his monitor screen, where a new email reads,  _ Are you from Tennessee? Because I’d love a local BBQ joint rec. _

 

Lily is shaking her head. “So not everyone is getting the same emails? How many of these have you written… what would possess you… how did you hack into the email server...” She trails off as her phone pings once more.

 

_ Do your feet hurt? Because I can recommend several places for a decent pedicure and foot rub. _

 

She lets out a snort of laughter. “These aren’t even funny. They don’t make any sense.”

 

“Then why are you laughing?” Sirius wriggles his eyebrows up and down, smirking.

 

Lily’s phone pings once more.  _ Do you know what my shirt is made of? Fair-trade, sweatshop free, organic cotton, purchased at a local business. _

 

She bursts into a fit of giggles. “Alright, fine. They’re cute, okay? You’ve finally managed to pull a prank that doesn’t inconvenience or offend anyone, after two years of failures. Savor your victory while you can, I suppose.” She shakes her head as she heads back to Minerva’s office, closing the door behind her.

 

James looks as if he’s won the lottery. “She liked it! She thought our prank- not that it’s our prank, we take no responsibility, if anyone can hear me- she thought the prank was was cute! You both heard it, you can both bear witness when Wormy questions my story.”

 

“We’re going to tell Wormy that you’re full of shit, as usual.”

 

James stands up, stretching his arms over his head. “Fuck off, Pads, you wouldn’t dare. I’m going to the kitchen for a coffee, you guys want anything?”

 

Remus rummages through his top drawer and selects a tea bag, ginger hibiscus. “Thanks Prongs, will you brew this for me?”

 

Before James can answer, Sirius snatches the bag from Remus’ hand. “I’ll do it, Moony. Prongs will get distracted and let the water cool down too much and he’ll ruin it. I need to get a seltzer anyway.” He heads towards the kitchen, attempting to trip James as they make their way through the office, laughing as their coworkers call out some of the lines that have been coming through via the emails.

 

In the kitchen, James shoves a mug into the coffee machine, pressing the  _ mocha _ button. “I think it’s happening Pads, it’s finally happening. Lily’s coming around. She’s getting friendlier with us, she’s laughing at our pranks- this is it. By the time BFD comes around, we’ll be dating. I guarantee it.” He presses the  _ espresso _ button on the coffee machine, leaving his mug where it is, letting the extra caffeine trickle in.

 

Sirius rummages through the cabinets looking for one of the good mugs left over from the 2013 iMedia conference, the pink ones with the extra thick handles. He lets out a triumphant whoop when he finds one, dropping the tea bag in and fussing with the electric kettle, making sure to fill it with filtered water rather than the skuzzy tap water that James uses when he makes Remus’ tea. “She’s already friendly with Moony. Just because she’s finally tolerating your loser ass for sustained periods of time doesn’t mean she wants to stoop so low as to date you.”

 

“For once you and I agree on something, Black.” Sirius turns, startled to see Severus Snape coming into the kitchen, heading towards the fridge and reaching for a cheese stick. “Lily’s too smart to date someone like you, Potter. You think you’re so smart, but you’re just another rich Stanford snob getting by on your daddy’s money and an arrogant attitude.”

 

James scoffs at this, pushing the  _ espresso _ button a second time to add another shot to his horrid concoction. “You don’t know shit about me, Snape. I could get blackout drunk and still write code in circles around you. Not that a monkey trained to use a laptop couldn’t do the same. Now run along, because I honestly don’t give a shit about what you have to say.” He carries his coffee over to the counter where he adds an obscene amount of splenda.

 

Snape narrows his eyes, his lips pressed together in frustration. “I don’t even- why are you even interested in her? You aren’t even queer!”

 

James looks genuinely surprised at this. “So? Why would I have to be queer to like Lily? Oh shit, does she not like to date straight people? Moony mentioned that once, didn’t he Pads? Said he had some bad experiences dating straight girls because they didn’t really understand the whole pansexual thing. I suppose he wouldn’t want to date a straight guy either, but I don’t know how the hell  _ that _ would even happen, and it’s not like he  _ dates _ anyhow, so-”

 

Snape is practically purple now. “You fucking- no, it’s not about her, it’s about you! You’re just some straight, asshole jock who’s looking to experiment with something exotic and different. Once you’ve had your fun, you’ll move on to some regular girl with regular- er-” He waves his hand around, making a sweeping gesture up and down his body.

 

Sirius nearly drops the mug he’s holding. James’ eyebrows shoot all the way up to his hairline. “Regular girl, what the-” James’ expression darkens as he comprehends what Snape is saying.

 

“What is wrong with you? She is our  _ coworker and friend, _ for fuck’s sake. Don’t talk about her like that. Besides, what sort of perv are you? If I hit on someone at a bar, I’m not thinking about what’s under their clothes, I’m just trying to talk to them and see if we click, and guess what? Nine out of ten times, it doesn’t fucking matter, because I blow it before the first conversation is over anyway.”

 

“Ten out of ten times, bruh, let’s be real.” No one responds to Sirius’ comment, hilarious and accurate though it may be, in Sirius’ own opinion, anyway. James and Snape are staring at each other intently, looking thoroughly pissed off.

 

Snape scoffs, rolling his eyes. “You can spout out all that crap about how it doesn’t really matter, that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but guess what? It  _ does  _ matter, so you can act all open minded and hippie-dippie, but we know what’ll happen in the end, the same thing that happens with all straight guys. Not that I blame you, that’s just the way it is. Your straight ass will be put off by the reality of dating a trans woman and you won’t be able to-”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Snape, or so help me, I will staple those flapping lips of yours together permanently. What is wrong with you that you talk about people that way, even when I  _ told _ you I’m not interested in hearing your backwards-ass opinions? Get the fuck out of this kitchen before I-  _ holy shit! _ Lily! I’m so sorry- I didn’t- I don’t- fuck!”

 

James’ eyes are bugging out of his face in panic. Sirius and Snape both turn to see Lily standing in the kitchen doorway, not moving. Her facial expression is unnaturally calm, and Sirius feels a shiver go up his spine as he sees the icy chill in her eyes as she meets Snape’s gaze unflinchingly. 

 

“You might want to try and keep it down in here. This room’s not as soundproof as you’d think.” Lily’s voice is flat and cool as she passes by Snape on her way to the fridge, not acknowledging him as he attempts to sputter a response. As she gets to the fridge, James hurries over and opens the door for her. She reaches in and grabs a raspberry seltzer, twisting the bottle around in her hands a few times before looking over at James. 

 

“Thank you.” The words are delivered firmly and politely. James nods mutely in return. Lily turns sharply on her heel, walking briskly out the door as Snape trails behind her, mumbling something that Sirius can’t hear, not that he wants to hear it.

 

The electric kettle starts whistling. Sirius silently turns it off and fills Remus’ mug to the correct level. He grabs the mug in one hand and his selzer in the other, nudging James with his elbow to knock him out of his stupor.

 

“Well… I guess either she likes you a lot more now, or a lot less. Let’s go find out, shall we?”

 

James scowls, gripping his coffee tightly with both hands. “That fucking shithead, I’m going to-”

 

“AUGH!” Snape’s shriek echoes through the doorway. Sirius looks over at James questioningly, who shrugs. Sirius thinks for a moment, then lets out a short bark of laughter. “I bet Moony snuck the rat under his desk again.”

 

James snickers, taking a sip from his mug. “I love that sneaky bastard. Remind me to let him choose the playlist on our next road trip. As long as you also remind me to take some xanax beforehand.”

  
  


**_Saturday, April 12, 2014, 2:17pm_ **

 

“Moony! I need ice! And vodka! Both, preferably.” Sirius staggers over to the benches by the Stanford community fields, one hand over his eye, the other clutching his chest dramatically. Remus and Peter look suspiciously unconcerned about his well-being as they sit on the bench, passing the vape pen back and forth between them. Remus says nothing as Sirius collapses next to him, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder with a dramatic sigh.

 

“Did you two see me almost die out there? Did you see Prongs yell at me for nearly passing out cold? As if it’s my fault that the rest of the team is a bunch of fucking uncoordinated cheaters.”

 

Remus pats Sirius knee absentmindedly as he takes a hit. “Sorry, must have missed that part. We had far more pressing matters to attend to.”

 

Sirius scoffs. “Bullshit. What could possibly be more important than watching me kick ass up and down the field?”

 

“Wormy found the HuskiesAdventures account on Instagram. See for yourself.” Remus passes over his phone to Sirius, who scrolls through the photos of several extremely fluffy and majestic looking huskies frolicking together.

 

“Alright fine, I concede that these pups are more adorable that I am, if only slightly. But Moony, I’m grievously injured! You need to take care of me and make sure I don’t get a scar, or else how am I supposed to score us free drinks when we go out in the city? I’m not paying fifteen dollars for a screwdriver, Moony, I don’t care if the orange juice is fresh squeezed.”

 

“Scars are sexy, Pads, or so people tell me when they see the souvenirs I’ve got from the car crash.” Despite his chiding, Remus does turn to take a look at Sirius’ eye, moving his hand to get a good look and cringing immediately. “Shit, Pads, what the fuck did you do? You’re going to have a huge black and blue over your eye. Eyebrow’s probably going to jut out caveman-style, too. Wormy, can you grab me one of those instant ice packs from my bag? And a wet nap?”

 

Peter digs around in Remus’ shoulder bag, pulling out an ice pack and tossing it to Remus, who snaps it in half to activate it before scooting over to make room for Sirius to lay down. Sirius heaves a great groan as he settles back into Remus’ lap, enjoying having someone fuss over his wounds. Remus uses the wet nap to clean off Sirius’ forehead before placing the ice back on his bruise. 

 

“Benjy Fenwick happened to me. His bony kneecaps are hella fucking pointy.”

 

Remus chuckles. “He does have bony knees, I’ll give you that.” Sirius silently curses as he remembers that Remus and Benjy were hooking up at one point. It was short-lived, of course, as are all of Remus’ hookups, much to Sirius’ pleasure, but he’d still prefer not to think about it.

 

Peter rolls his eyes as he takes a hit before passing the pen back to Remus. “You’re being such a wuss, Pads. Remus hobbles around with inflamed joints half the time without complaining, and you can’t even deal with a little bump?”

 

Sirius scowls from beneath his ice pack. He knows Peter has a point, but still, what’s wrong with indulging in a little TLC every once in awhile? It’s nice to be reminded that there are now people who give a shit about his wellbeing. Sirius was once told by his father to “walk it off” when he broke his ankle after a tumble down the stairs. He’d been forced to scream loud enough that a concerned neighbor had stopped by before his father had conceded to take him to the ER, but only after Sirius had promised to tell the doctors that he’d tripped on his own.

 

“Wormy, is that an ice cream truck at the corner? Will you get me and Moony some Firecracker ice pops? Please? You can get something for yourself, too, I’ve got a twenty in my jacket pocket.” 

 

Peter gets up, stretching a bit before rummaging through Sirius’ jacket pocket to snag the bill. “Fine, I’ll go hit up the pedo ice cream mobile. Why are all the ice cream trucks around here shady-ass windowless vans?”

 

“Cuz they all sell weed on the side, duh.” Sirius laughs at Remus’ comment, holding out his hand for his turn to take a hit. He watches Peter saunter away from the benches. As he hands the pen back to Remus, exhaling slowly and enjoying the feel of Remus’ fingers playing with his bun, he chews on his lower lip nervously. “Moony, do you- is this weird? When we sit like this? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, it’s just that Prongs has been an ass lately, and I- I don’t want- fuck, Moony, I just  _ like _ this. You know, the way we are. It’s… I don’t know.”

 

Sirius looks up at Remus warily with his one good eye. Remus is smiling down at him, giving his bun a sharp tug as he pulls out the elastic, letting Sirius’ hair loose so that his fingers can work their way through the sweaty tangles. “I know, Pads. It’s not weird. Prongs is the weird one. And it’s not as though he’s not constantly cuddling the lot of us. He’s just teasing, trying to rile you up. Don’t let it bother you, Pads. I like things the way they are. It’s… I never thought I’d have friends like you guys, you know? Sure, you’re a bunch of assholes, but you’re my assholes, and I love you all in spite of it.”

 

Sirius snickers. He’s glad that Remus is happy with the way things are. Lily and James don’t know what they’re talking about. He and Remus don’t need to make any changes to their relationship. Not everything needs to be about boners and love declarations, despite James’ wishes to the contrary.

 

Sure, he’s thought about how it would feel, to kiss Remus, to press his lips against Remus’ neck, to run his hands under those tight tshirts that Remus wears, maybe hardcore make out with him a little, or a lot, but Sirius has been down that path before. They aren’t in high school anymore. Anything more intimate than a fucking handshake brings on expectations. Expectations of  _ more. _ Expectations of  _ everything. _ Expectations that Sirius is not capable of meeting. 

 

Sometimes, while he’s making Remus laugh, or leaning against his shoulder during a movie, or debating the rise and fall of Kanye West’s contributions to the arts, he thinks that maybe, possibly, things would be different with Remus. Remus isn’t some random dude, he’s  _ Moony, _ and surely that has to mean something. Sirius has thought that before, though, with other dudes, usually while shitfaced, but still, it never works out. It’s always just as awkward and uncomfortable and frustrating as usual.

 

Having to admit the truth to Remus, the whole truth, the truth about how Sirius can’t deal with the realities of a physical relationship, is too fucking humiliating to contemplate. So, Sirius doesn’t think about it. Ever.

 

Remus’ phone buzzes. He checks his texts, his forehead wrinkling. “Lily’s downtown, wants to know if I wanna meet up for a drink. She’s been pretty upset since the shitshow with Snape yesterday.”

 

Sirius snorts derisively. “What’s there to be upset about? Snape’s a transphobic ass. Fuck him.”

 

Remus purses his lips. “Yeah, but she’s embarrassed, you know? Snape said all that shit about her- uh… he said all that shit about her in front of James. That’s hella awkward.”

 

Sirius frowns. “Why is it awkward? It just proves Snape’s a shithead. He’s the one who should be feeling awkward.”

 

Remus taps his fingers on Sirius’ forehead. “Yeah, but he said all that shit in front of someone she wants to bone. That’s what makes it awkward.”

 

Sirius furrows his brow in confusion. “Why does it matter who- wait a minute, she wants to bone James? Like, for real? Since when? Fuck’s sake, I mean, I knew she did, but I thought she had more sense than to admit to it.”

 

Remus laughs, coughing as he takes another hit. “Shit, Pads, those two have been dancing around each other for the past two years. Aren’t you tired of watching them play the will-they, won’t-they game?”

 

Sirius closes his good eye. “I didn’t really think much about the two of them doing the nasty like the rest of you pervs. Fuck’s sake, Moony, you’re going to have to hear the two of them going at it all night through the wall if they get together. You can start camping out in my room. We’ll build a blanket fort. No girls allowed.”

 

Remus laughs. “How very heteronormative of you, Pads. Anyway, should I tell Lily to come over? We’re meeting up with Marls and Dorcas after practice, right? Might be good to force Lily into having some fun.”

 

Sirius perks up. “Tell her that her new best friend, which is me, insists that she come over and inspect my injuries, since you assholes are uncaring jerks who aren’t looking after me properly.”

 

Remus shakes his head as he types a response. “Alright, she says she’ll be over in a few. She’s getting a coffee at Backyard Brew. You’re full of shit, though, Pads. We look after you. We all look after each other.” He tugs sharply at Sirius’ locks. Sirius smiles as he snuggles contently in Remus’ lap.

 

“Lookit who I ran into. Ugh. Why are there so many freaking kids swarming around ice cream trucks all the time. Blech.” Peter’s returning, carrying two Firecrackers in one hand, with a Chipwich clutched firmly in his other hand, Lily walking at his side, looking a bit apprehensive.

 

Sirius shoots up to a seated position, holding the ice pack in place, cringing as Remus’ fingers yank at his hair. “Lily! Nice to see you. Do you want my Firecracker? Please say, no, because I really, really want it, but also please do appreciate the sentiment behind the offer.”

 

Lily stifles a laugh. “I’m fine, thanks Sirius. I’ve just finished a coffee.” She holds up an empty paper cup. “So… what is this? You guys play rugby?”

 

“Prongs and Pads do, Moony and I just cheer ‘em on.” Peter’s mouth is full of Chipwich, muffling his reply.

 

“It’s a club league. Prongs is pretty into it, and I like having an excuse to whale on people, so I joined when he asked me. Prongs is the captain. He’s looking pretty good out there, isn’t he?”

 

Lily turns red as she throws her empty coffee cup at Sirius’ face. “I wouldn’t know, Sirius. I’m just here to check up on your grievous injuries, per Rem’s request.”

 

Sirius grins, winking with his good eye. “Moony’s a good nurse, so I think I’ll survive. Still, I’m gonna have to get pretty lit tonight to get through the pain. Doctor Moony’s orders. Wanna hang? Marls and Meadowes will be meeting up with us. Should be a good time.”

 

Lily rolls her eyes. “Doubtful. I really don’t feel like getting arrested tonight.”

 

Sirius gives Lily his most winning smile. James may be a shithead, but Sirius doesn’t want Lily thinking that he’s a bigot. None of the marauders are. They roll with whatever comes their way, and Lily looks like a little relaxation wouldn’t kill her. “Come on, Lily. Stick with Moony, he never gets arrested. That’s a guarantee.”

 

Lily sighs, glancing over at James, who’s heading towards them, grinning like a jackass. “Fine, Sirius, I’ll hang around, but only for a couple of drinks. If things get too wild, I’m taking an Uber back home.”

 

Sirius smirks, throwing an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “That’s what they all say, Lils, that’s what they all say. We’ll see how high and mighty you are at three AM when you’re walking through the Jack-in-the-Box drive through, bartering with the server to get your six grilled cheeses and extra ranch packets.”

  
  


**_Saturday, April 12, 2014, 11:56pm_ **

 

“Remind me again why I agreed to get in a van with you people. What was I thinking? What the hell was in those shots at NoLa?” Lily grips Sirius’ leg tightly as James takes the van around another sharp turn. “Whose idea was it to go to the beach, anyway? It’s going to be freezing.”

 

Remus chuckles from the front passenger’s seat as he plugs his phone into the audio port, turning on Phantogram’s latest album.  _ Black Out Days _ starts pumping through the shitty sound system in Peter’s van.

 

Sirius pats her hand reassuringly. “Middle of the night is the best time to go to the beach. No crowds, no kids, no surfers, no sunburn. You’ll love it.” He accidentally elbows her in the ribs as they careen around another turn.

 

Lily winces. “Can you slow down, James? I’d like to make it there in one piece if possible.”

 

James laughs, shaking his head. “I’m going five under the speed limit, Lily. The 92 is just windy. It’d be the same if my auntie Anjali was driving. Probably be worse, actually, since she’s got cataracts now.” James looks into the rearview mirror, meeting Lily’s gaze. “Chill out, Lily. I take my DD responsibilities very seriously. Haven’t had anything but water and Red Bull all night.”

 

Lily smiles nervously as Peter and Sirius share a look. As much as the marauders love to get shitty and wreak havoc, if there is even the slightest chance that a designated driver will be necessary, one of them stays completely sober. A drunk driver caused the crash that killed Remus’ parents back before he started at Stanford, the same crash that Remus still bears scars from, silvery lines that wind across his arm and chest on the left side. 

 

Marlene and Dorcas are sitting next to Peter, making out as if the rest of them aren’t there, as per usual. Stopping for air, Dorcas reached over to squeeze Lily’s ankle. “It’ll be fine, Lils. You’re having fun, aren’t you? Just go with the flow for once. Pete, get the bong out from under the front seat, that’ll chill her out.”

 

“I told you, no hotboxing while I’m driving! You can wait til we’re outside. Besides, there should be enough residual fumes in this thing to keep everyone calm enough.” James sounds like an annoyed parent. Sirius snickers to himself as he kicks the back of Remus’ seat. 

 

“Moony, pass back the flask. We’ll take a shot every time Prongs says something parent-ish, like  _ don’t make me come back there.” _

 

Remus snickers, taking a long sip from the flask before passing it back to Sirius. It’s a silver flask, with the Black family crest etched on one side, and the anarchy symbol scratched underneath. Sirius had nicked the flask and defaced it with his pocket knife the last time he visited his family in Bangalore, the summer when he was fifteen.

 

By the time they’re headed north on the 1, the flask is empty, and James has said nine parent-ish phrases, including  _ stop kicking my seat or so help me _ and _ I will turn this fucking van around, Moony, I swear on all that is holy. _

 

Eventually, James pulls the van into a makeshift parking spot at the edge of a cliff, next to a spindly set of metal stairs that make their way down the edge of the cliff to the beach. “Come on, I’m ready for some of that salty sea air. Everyone leave your shoes up here, I’m not spending an hour hunting around in the sand for a lost flip flop again, I don’t care who designed it. Grab the towels, Pads, and let’s get going.”

 

Sirius scoops up an armful of the towels that are always stored in the back of the van. Towels, clean socks, snacks, vodka, weed, and water are always on hand when the marauders are mobile. He tosses a few of the towels to Dorcas before making his way down the stairs, only tripping a couple of times.

 

Once his toes hit the sand, Sirius inhales deeply, looking around as the rest of the crew runs towards the water. Sirius loves the beaches around here, the cliffs looming overhead, the sand rough and rocky, the waves dangerously strong. NorCal beaches aren’t for sun bunnies laying out to get tan. NorCal beaches are not for relaxation. NorCal beaches are for action.

 

James and Marlene are racing towards the water, calling out insults to each other as James makes it to the surf first, breaking into an elaborate victory dance. Sirius snickers as he drops the towels onto the sand at a safe distance from the waves. Lily wanders over towards him, shaking her head. 

 

“Are you guys always like this? It’s- what am I even doing here? It’s so surreal.” She grabs Sirius’ wrist, pulling off one of his hair elastics before gathering her own mane into a sloppy bun.

 

Sirius smiles as he watches Dorcas and Peter playing keep-away with Remus’ beanie. “This? This is a pretty lowkey night for us, Lils. This is one of our favorite places to come at night. It’s pretty private, not a big chance of the cops busting us.”

 

Lily raises an eyebrow. “Busting us for what?” Her eyes widen in shock as Peter begins stripping down, dropping his clothes haphazardly into a pile before running into the waves, letting out a shriek as the freezing water hits more sensitive bits.

 

Sirius laughs at Lily’s face as he strips off his own rugby jersey, shirt and jeans. “Come on, Lily, don’t be a prude. We’re all friends here. I know you were there in New York for the sales meeting after-party at the rooftop pool in the Gansevoort this past February.”

 

Lily snorts, closing her eyes. “Yeah, I was there, but I didn’t join in. Besides, that was a bigger group.”

 

Sirius chuckles as Remus joins them, adding his shirt and jeans to Sirius’ pile. “So you’re saying you only skinny dip with large groups of coworkers? Good to know.”

 

Lily is blushing furiously. “No, that’s not what I meant! I only meant that… this is more… I don’t know, more intimate, or something.”

 

Marlene is completely naked, one hand on her hip as she rolls her eyes at Lily. “We’ve seen you naked before, Lils. Most of us anyway. Once you get in the water, you’ll be too cold to give a shit. You- aughh!” Marlene lets out a screech as she’s scooped up by Dorcas and thrown over her shoulder. Dorcas has her boxer briefs and binder still on as she heads into the water, tossing Marlene into an oncoming swell.

 

“Hey, be careful! Those waves are strong! Everyone keep an eye out for each other, you hear me?” James is frowning as he pulls his own jersey and tshirt over his head. “Honestly, Dorcas isn’t going to be happy until she gives me a heart attack. She’s always ducking under for far too long, making me think we’ve lost her and then sneaking over to pinch my ass while I’m distracted looking for her.” 

 

He fusses with the button on his jeans before noticing that Lily hasn’t moved a muscle. He places a hand on her shoulder, looking concerned. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, you know. Dorcas kept her underthings on, and I, er, I was planning on keeping mine on as well, you know…” Sirius and Remus elbow each other as they bite back their laughter at James’ face, which is now beet red. “Or if you want to just sit up here for awhile and play life guard, that’s fine too. I’ll keep you company.”

 

Sirius groans loudly. “Fine, you two stay up here and be boring. Moony, drop them drawers and let’s get in the water with the other cool people.” Sirius removes his own boxers with a flourish, ignoring the exaggerated protests of James and Lily as he turns to Remus, who flings his own boxers at Sirius’ face.

 

“Augh! Keep those away from me, Moony! I’ll race you down to the water. Winner gets to sit in the front seat on the way home.” Sirius gives Remus a shove before he races towards the waves, laughing at Remus’ cursing as he tries to catch up. 

 

Sirius makes it into the water first, nearly bowling Marlene over as he crashes into a wave. He’s barely able to steady himself before Remus jumps onto his back, dragging him under as another wave crashes into them.

 

Sirius sputters as he gets back on his feet, gasping in shock at the icy chill. Remus throws his arms around Sirius’ neck, clinging to him as another wave comes at them. “Pads, I may be slightly more tipsy than I originally thought. Don’t let a shark eat me.”

 

Sirius reaches up to squeeze Remus’ arm. “Don’t worry, Moony, I probably won’t let a shark eat you. Wormy, on the other hand, is free game for nibbling.”

 

Peter laughs as he splashes Sirius in the face. “Whatever, Pads. You’d never let a shark eat me either. Prongs would get pissed at you if you did.”

 

“True, but Prongs is always pissed at me about something. He’d get over it eventually.”

 

“Well, well, well, look who’s finally joining the party.” Marlene makes her way over to the boys, smirking as she nods towards the shore. Lily and James are standing together, talking. James is stripped down to his boxers, Lily is in her black boy shorts and camisole, looking down at her hands as they chat.

 

“Those two need to get over each other and bone already. Why does everyone waste so much time tapdancing around their feelings when they could be knocking boots and enjoying themselves?” Marlene looks pointedly at Sirius as she says this. 

 

Sirius scowls. “Why can’t people just be friends, for fuck’s sake? You assholes are always trying to pair everyone up. Live and let live, Marls.”

 

Before Marlene can make her retort, Dorcas bursts up in the middle of the group from under the water, seemingly out of nowhere. Peter and Marlene scream, and Remus’ arms tighten around Sirius’ neck as he shouts in Sirius’ ear.

 

“Fuck, Meadowes, don’t do that! One of these days we’re going to forget about you and let you drown.” Sirius flicks a piece of seaweed at Dorcas’ hair, which she bats away, laughing.

 

“You’d never be able to forget about me, Sirius.” She blows him a kiss before winding her arms around her girlfriend, kissing her neck. “Well, look at what we have here, finally.” She gestures towards James and Lily, who are heading towards the water, walking close enough so that their arms brush together. “They might even make it in before the rest of us get out. This water is fucking freezing.”

 

“This water is always fucking freezing, even in August. This isn’t the Caribbean, Meadowes. Toughen up.” Sirius grins as Dorcas flips him the bird.

 

“It is awfully chilly. I’m gonna freeze on the ride home.” Sirius feels the warmth of Remus’ breath against his neck as he whispers in Sirius’ ear.

 

Sirius squeezes Remus’ arms, which are still wrapped around him. “Don’t worry, Moony, you can borrow my rugby jersey. That’ll keep you warm. And you can sit in the front seat, too, even though I won the race. I won’t make you crouch in the back of the van with these losers.”

 

Remus chuckles, resting his forehead against the back of Sirius’ head, just under his bun. “There was never any chance of me riding in the back, Pads.” He drops his arms from around Sirius’ neck, reaching down to tickle his sides.

 

“Augh! What the fuck, Moony! It’s too cold for that shit!” Sirius turns around to seek revenge, but Remus has already dived out of the way, seeking sanctuary behind Peter, laughing as Sirius gets knocked off kilter by another wave.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HuskiesAdventures is a real account (and yes, they were around in 2014), so go check them out if you want to die of cuteness overload.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I love reading your comments, either here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo).
> 
> Next week, the boys take a trip up to the town (Oakland) where Remus meets an old friend that Sirius dislikes for some reason...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Art and acai
> 
> TW for references to hard drug use in the flashback, but nothing explicit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the lack of writing last week! Real life got in the way, but we’re back on schedule now. Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree kept me honest this week, just like every week, with their support and suggestions on how to tackle some sensitive topics.

 

**_Sunday, April 13, 2014, 9:32am_ **

 

Sirius is glad that Dorcas and Marlene decided to crash last night. They are in Remus’ bed, which means Remus is here in Sirius’ bed, one arm tightly wrapped around Sirius’ waist, the other elbow digging into the back of his head. Sirius is smiling to himself as he turns over slowly so that he’s facing Remus, who’s still asleep, looking peaceful as he snores lightly, a spot of drool collecting on Sirius’ pillow.

 

Sirius taps him gently on the nose. “Moony?” Unsurprisingly, there’s no reply. Sirius carefully pinches Remus’ nose shut, causing Remus to sputter as he switches to breathing out of his mouth.

 

“Auuuuggghhh! Pads, why?” Remus’ throat is hoarse and croaky as he swats Sirius’ hand away and buries his face into the pillow.

 

Sirius grins, flicking Remus’ ear. “Rise and shine, Moonykins. How about I make acai bowls this morning? You need your strength if you’re going to spend an hour in the car with Prongs and Wormy singing the wrong lyrics to your favorite songs.”

 

Remus grunts, face still buried into the pillow as he gives Sirius a thumbs up. Sirius ruffles Remus’ curls one last time before getting out of bed, stretching before sauntering out into the kitchen. He’s feeling pretty fucking pumped about the day as he starts gathering various fruits and collecting them on the counter.

 

He peers into the living room, where Peter is sprawled on the couch as per usual. Sirius wonders if there’s any way he can make a case to have Peter move into his bedroom so that Sirius will have a reason to bunk up with Remus. They’ve been crashing together more often lately, and Sirius wouldn’t mind making the arrangement more permanent, somehow. He’ll have to come up with a way to raise the subject casually in conversation. James and Remus will get suspicious if he seems overly concerned with Peter’s comfort. There has to be a way to ask someone to room together platonically. In the same bed. Sirius makes a mental note to ask about it on Reddit later.

 

He hooks his phone up to the speakers, flipping on the  _ West Coast Wake And Bake _ mix before turning back to the fruit. As  _ California Love _ kicks on, Sirius bobs his head in time with the beat, chopping strawberries and bananas, rinsing blueberries, rummaging through the freezer for acai berry packets to toss in the blender, feeling good, feeling chill, feeling, as Dr. Dre declares, untouchable, much like Eliot Ness.

 

By the time Sirius is pouring the blended acai into bowls at the kitchen table, Marlene and Dorcas have said their hellos and goodbyes before heading out for brunch with some friends, wearing a mishmash of the marauders’ clothing, including Sirius’ tshirt that reads  _ It’s 4:20 Somewhere, _ which Dorcas declares she will not be returning. Remus and Peter are sitting at the table, lighting the bong and eating handfuls of granola out of the box. James comes striding into the kitchen shortly after, fresh from the shower in a pair of mesh shorts, shaking his head at Peter and Remus to spray them with droplets of water from his hair before snatching the bong from Peter’s hands and taking a rip.

 

“Whoo! What a great fucking day. The birds are chirping a sweeter tune, the sun is shining brighter than usual, no one shaved off anyone’s eyebrows last night. This is the best day ever.” James is grinning like the Cheshire cat as he grabs one of the acai bowls and starts topping it with fruit and granola.

 

Sirius rolls his eyes as he slides a bowl over to Remus. “You’re still riding your high from Lily interacting with you in a cordial fashion instead of- hang on, Moony, let me get the coconut flakes you like.” He begins rummaging through the pantry, looking for the large-flake coconut that Remus likes to sprinkle on his acai bowls. When he finds it, he tosses the bag to Remus, who catches it half-heartedly as it smacks against his chest.

 

“Thanks, Pads. So, Prongs. Lily seemed pretty cheerful last night. I don’t think I saw her flip you off once. Do I hear wedding bells in the near future?” Remus smirks and ducks as James flings a blueberry at him.

 

“Very funny, asshole. No, we’re not- it’s- we’re friends now, I think. Like, actual friends. Friends who hang out and don’t holler at each other for being jackasses.”

 

Sirius snorts at this. “We holler at each other for being jackasses all the time. Because we  _ are _ jackasses all the time.” James flings a blueberry at him in response, but Sirius catches it in his mouth, grinning before spitting it into James’ acai bowl.

 

“Fucking gross, Pads! Ugh!” James makes a face before shrugging and continuing to eat. His mouth is stuffed with granola and fruit as he continues talking. “Anyways, I think she actually likes me. This is fucking awesome. Now she’ll start hanging out with us more, and I’ll grow on her little by little, until one day she realizes that I am a god amongst men and she never wants to be apart from me again. Just like how it happened with you losers.”

 

Remus chokes on a piece of granola. “Oh, that’s how it happened? Because I’m pretty sure you kept pestering the shit out of me every day until I agreed to be your friend to get you to shut your trap for five seconds.”

 

James is laughing. “Same difference, Moony. No matter how it happened, we’re life partners now.” He blows a kiss towards Remus, who pretends to catch it and swoon. “Besides, Lily needs better friends. Fuck, if that shithead Snape was the best friend she had besides Marls and Meadowes…” James makes a gagging noise as his eyes narrow. “I still think we should beat the shit out of him for being a transphobic ass. For real, who talks about their friends’ junk? At work, no less?”

 

“Wasn’t it you who announced that Remus had a dick piercing at a company happy hour?” Peter has one eyebrow raised as he stirs the contents of his bowl together into an unappetizing mess.

 

“That’s different! That’s just good advertising.”

 

“But I haven’t got one. That’s  _ false _ advertising and now people are going to have buyer's remorse when they find out it’s all a lie.”

 

James scoffs at this. “Oh please, Moony, like you’ve ever had any complaints. We share a bedroom wall. Don’t front with me. Anyway, you know that’s different, Wormy. Don’t be a tool.”

 

Peter taps his spoon against the edge of his bowl, biting his lower lip thoughtfully. “Well, I mean, it’s not like Snape has a point, but-” He cuts off as he realizes all three of his friends are glaring daggers at him. “I said _it’s_ _not_ _like_ he has a point! Let me finish, for fuck’s sake! I’m just saying, do you know what you’re getting into, Prongs, if you and Lily ever…” He trails off as he makes a jacking-off gesture with his hand.

 

James sighs irritably. “No, Peter, I don’t know what her- situation is. When the fuck would it have come up in conversation? When’s a good time to say, hey, person that I’m obsessed with who can barely tolerate my presence as it is, what’s the deal with your junk? Shit, when’s it  _ ever _ a good time to ask someone what the deal is with their junk?”

 

“When the waistband of their boxers is between your teeth,” Remus answers calmly, taking an obscenely large bite of acai. Sirius starts choking as James and Peter howl with laughter.

 

“Calm down, Pads, I’m only kidding. I don’t even ask then. I like to be surprised.” Remus winks and licks his spoon suggestively, causing Sirius to roll his eyes and open his mouth wide, flashing a mouthful of chewed up breakfast.

 

“Gross, Pads. Anyway, Prongs, that’s not what I meant, you ass. I know you wouldn’t have asked her that.” Peter pauses to mull over his words before continuing. “I meant, have you thought about it? Like, no matter what the- the situation is, are you going to be okay with it? Because it’s not fair to Lily if you get her to take a chance on you and then you make her feel uncomfortable.”

 

James rolls his eyes, letting his head fall over the back of the chair. “Wormy, I’ve been infatuated with this girl for two fucking years.  _ Of course _ I’ve thought about it. You think I haven’t fantasized intensely about the first time my soul mate and I bone? Shit, man. I don’t care what she has going on, even if it’s that pussy-dentata thing that bites off dicks like in that movie you made us watch last week. I’m already over-the-top attracted to her. I don’t think anything’s going to change that.”

 

Sirius kicks James’ chair. “You pathetic fucker. I hope I’m never so in love that I’m willing to get my dick bitten off.”

 

James gives him a condescending look before flicking his eyes quickly over to Remus. Sirius glowers, kicking James’ chair so violently that it nearly tips over.

 

“Augghh! You fucking asshole! I hope you choke on a strawberry.” James shoves his heel in Sirius’ ribs, making him wince and slide his chair further down the table.

 

Remus and Peter are lighting up the bong again, ignoring James and Sirius as they continue to kick and poke at each other. Remus exhales a puff of smoke, shaking his head as the song on the playlist switches to  _ The Recipe. _

 

“Come on, you guys. As much fun as it is to watch you to torment each other, we should start getting ready. I’d like to be on the road by noon.”

 

Sirius shoves James’ foot off his lap. “Chill out, Moony, we’ve got plenty of time. It’s only-” he glances at the clock on the microwave, which reads 88:88. “Shit. Um, it’s only… probably like, eleven or something.”

 

Remus checks his phone. “Actually, it’s five past eleven. Nice job, Pads.” Sirius can’t help but return the smile that Remus flashes at him. James is right. Today  _ is _ a great fucking day.

 

Sirius stands up, shoving his bowl towards James. “I cooked, you clean. I need a hit if I’m going to make it all the way to Oakland in traffic with you and Wormy doing your karaoke routine.”

 

James grins as he begins gathering the dishes off the table. “I’m an excellent singer, Pads. Don’t be jealous. I’m a triple threat.”

 

Remus laughs as he turns up the volume on the sound system. “A triple threat? Singing, dancing, acting?”

 

James tosses his head in mock arrogance. “Singing, dancing, and fucking, Moony. Obviously.”

 

Sirius pretends to trip James as he walks towards the sink, balancing a stack of bowls precariously in one hand. “Fucking your own hand, maybe. You’ve got mad skills there, none of us are denying it.”

 

James flips Sirius the bird without turning around as he dumps the dishes unceremoniously into the sink with a crash. “You’d give me a run for my money in that category, Pads, I’ve no doubt. Besides, we all do it. We all share laundry as well, so let he who has not jacked off on his roommate’s sheets cast the first stone.” 

 

He turns to look pointedly at Sirius, who turns bright red as he looks around to see if the others have heard James’ comment. Luckily, Peter and Remus are in the middle of their own conversation, and the music is just loud enough to discourage eavesdropping.

 

Sirius punches James on the shoulder, harder than necessary. “Shut the fuck up,” he mutters as he heads over to grab the bong out of Peter’s hands.

 

Sirius has never jacked off on Remus’ sheets and James fucking knows that. He’s just being a disgusting asshole to piss Sirius off. He  _ had _ caught Sirius sleeping in Remus’ bed one morning, after seven too many vodka sodas, while Remus was staying over at a friend’s place. And sure, Sirius had been cuddling Remus’ pillow pretty tightly. And yes, he might have been wearing one of Remus’ hoodies.

 

James had teased him about it all morning, until Sirius got so fed up that he wrestled him to the ground and drew a Hitler-style moustache on James’ upper lip with a permanent marker. He’s not sure what pissed James off more, the fact that the marker didn’t come off for a week, or the fact that he had been forced to draw a full moustache on himself so that he didn’t look like Hitler for a week.

 

As Sirius takes a hit, James smacks him on the back, causing him to start coughing heavily as he glares at his friends, who are all laughing at him as James starts singing along with Kendrick about  _ women, weed and weather, _ grabbing Remus and dropping him into a dip with a flourish.

 

“You guys all fucking suck. I hope all your dicks get bitten off.” Sirius is scowling, trying hard to fight back his laughter as James and Peter tango across the living room.

 

Remus comes over to rub his back gently, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “Come on, Pads, how about I sit in the backseat with you on the ride up? My joints are feeling pretty good lately.”

 

He smiles gently at Sirius. Sirius smiles back, resting his hand on top of Remus’. “Sounds good, Moony. Although it’s not too late. We can lock these two in the bathroom and go up by ourselves.”

 

Remus laughs as James comes over, pushing his way between them, throwing an arm over each of their shoulders. “None of that now, this is a marauders’ day out, and we’re going to have fun even if I have to smack the shit out of each and every one of you. Now come on, get into the spirit of things.  _ Don’t it sound clever, come and play-” _

 

All four marauders shout out the remixed version of the last stanza together at the top of their lungs, loud enough to annoy the neighbors.

 

_ “What more can I say? Welcome to the bay!” _

  
  
  


**_**FLASHBACK, 3 YEARS PRIOR**_ **

 

**_Tuesday, March 8, 2011, 2.13pm_ **

 

Sirius is puzzled to see the front door hanging open a few inches as he walks up the front steps. He can hear music thumping from somewhere, but when he enters the house, he doesn’t see anyone. It takes him a minute to realize that sliding door to the back patio is open, and the music is coming from outside.

 

He drops his bag on the couch as he heads through the living room, into the dining room, stopping at the open back door. Remus is sprawled out by the pool, covered in paint. One of Sirius’ canvases is lying on the ground, surrounded by newspapers in a half-assed attempt to save the patio from the absolute mess of paints that Remus has scattered around, most of the bottles uncapped. The canvas is a mess of oranges and reds, inelegantly smeared together, though the majority of the paint seems to be on Remus’ hands. The sound system is turned up to a fucking unbearable level, making the blood pound in Sirius’ ears. He reaches over to lower the volume before heading outside.

 

“Moony? The fuck are you doing?” Sirius rubs his neck, tilting his head as he watches Remus raise his head and smile, eyes slightly too wide, one orange-streaked hand waving in the air while the other taps out a frantic pattern on the canvas, leaving a trail of little orange dots.

 

“Sup, Pads? I came home between classes, needed to chill out a bit, so I grabbed a joint and was like, you know what? I should do art. I felt like maybe I could do art today, you know, but it turns out, I am still shit at art, or maybe these paints are wrong or something, because they aren’t  _ meshing _ right, you know, like, they aren’t  _ meshing _ the way I want them to, although that’s not the right word,  _ meshing, _ more like, they just aren’t  _ connecting _ the way I want them to.”

 

Sirius narrows his eyes, feeling himself growing apprehensive. “A joint, huh? You didn’t happen to grab one of the laced ones, did you?”

 

Remus rolls his eyes, smiling as his bobs his head along to the music. “You only lace the ditch weed, Pads, and I don’t smoke the ditch weed- oh, I like this song! It’s called  _ Tater Tot, _ but it’s not about food, not really, but Talib Kweli knows his shit, and  _ Gutter Rainbows _ is the best name for an album, that’s actually what inspired me to do art, because how can you not want to do art when there’s rainbows around, although let’s be real, Talib Kweli can do better than this, he  _ has _ done better than this, he’s sort of phoning it in here, and it’s good, really good, compared to the rest of the trash that’s out there, but it’s only mediocre for him, so that’s probably why my art isn’t coming out right, you know? Because the feeling isn’t there, in the music.”

 

Remus goes back to smearing around the paints aimlessly, tapping his fingers and mumbling the words to the song under his breath. Sirius walks over to him slowly, kneeling down to get a better look as his face. Remus’ pupils are dilated, and he’s grinding his teeth slightly as he gives Sirius a small grin. 

 

Sirius bites his lower lip. This is not a good sign. It never is. “Moony, you sure you’ve only had one joint? You seem… hella alert.”

 

Remus chuckles, shaking his head. “I’ve had a few, not really keeping track, but I did possibly have a little something extra.”

 

Sirius sighs. Fucking great. “Moony, you can’t go back on campus like this. When’s your next class?”

 

“Don’t worry, it’s not til two.”

 

Sirius pulls his phone out of his pack pocket, stifling back a groan. “It’s past two, Moony. The fuck did you take?”

 

Remus lets out a short burst of laughter. “Well then, it looks like I’m done for the day. Grab another joint out of Wormy’s stash, will you? Better yet, get out the bong, if you’re done for the day too, and we can get it started before Prongs gets home and starts lecturing me.”

 

Sirius is concerned now. Remus does not skip class. He tried to go to his freshman lectures with pneumonia last year. “Moony, the fuck did you take? Other than weed?”

 

Remus does not look at Sirius as he continues to smear the paint across the canvas, his hand slipping slightly and dragging across an un-newspapered section of patio. “Nothing, Pads, it’s nothing, just coke, probably, or addy, maybe, but nothing else, nothing major, so get out the weed and let’s get lit, unless you want me to track paint all over the dining room.” Remus wriggles his fingers in Sirius’ face, smirking.

 

Sirius is unamused. “What do you mean, coke or addy? You don’t know?”

 

Remus shrugs. “Wormy didn’t label it.”

 

Sirius feels his stomach tighten painfully. “So you just grabbed some white powder out of his stash? Fuck, Moony- what if you had  _ Pulp Fiction-ed  _ yourself? What if you had a reaction with your meds? You fucking asshole.” Sirius balls up one of the loose newspapers and throws it at Remus’ face. He know’s he’s being a tool, but he can’t help himself. He hates when Remus gets like this. Not that it happens often, but when it does, it’s fucking frustrating. 

 

Remus sighs deeply, looking thoroughly unimpressed with Sirius’ dramatics. “The OD in  _ Pulp Fiction _ was from snorting injectable heroin, Pads, and we don’t keep heroin in the house, so calm down, alright? And I’m off my meds, they weren’t working. Everything’s fine, I just needed to- I just wanted to take the edge off.”

 

Sirius sighs, moving to sit next to Remus, rolling up his sleeves and grabbing a few errant bottles of paint. “Here, let me show you how to blend. What the fuck is this orange monstrosity supposed to be anyway, a tangerine’s wet dream? You gonna tell me what happened?”

 

Remus laughs, nudging his shoulder against Sirius’. “It’s supposed to be a sunset, I guess. I don’t know, I didn’t really think it through, I just… thought the creative juices would make me magically an art genius, like you, but it seems like that’s not the case.”

 

Sirius lets out a snort of laughter as he adds some purples to the canvas. “I’m not a genius, Moony. Well, I am, but not an art genius. I’m decent, that’s all. I can’t help it if I’m naturally talented at everything I do.” He winks roguishly, as if it’s a joke, but inside he’s preening a bit. He likes it when Remus compliments him.

 

Sirius starts blending the colors, snickering as Remus attempts to copy his finger movements, with poor results. “Alright now, Moony. What’s the deal? Why are you all angsty?”

 

Remus shrugs, scratching his nose and leaving a streak of purple across it. “No reason, really, just… Janae and I aren’t hooking up anymore, and it was kinda awkward as fuck when we talked about it.”

 

Sirius pretends to look concerned, although secretly he’s happy to hear the news. Sirius had not liked Janae at all. She was alright in some ways, he supposes, funny, nice, seemed to get along well with the group, but that was precisely the problem. She was getting  _ too _ comfortable. Sirius doesn’t like it when Remus’ hookups try to weasel their way too deeply into the marauder dynamics. A few of them have tried in the past, and Sirius has had to run off every one. It’s pretty fucking annoying to deal with.

 

It has nothing to do with the fact that it’s Remus who’s bringing in the outsiders, as James had rudely suggested after Sirius had cussed out the last hookup who’d overstayed his welcome. It would be the same if any of them were bringing home clingy randoms. It just so happens that Remus is the only one of them who hooks up with any sort of regularity. Just a matter of statistics, really. 

 

Plus that last shithead had eaten the last of Sirius’ Peanut Butter Panda Puffs cereal, which is a capital offense in the marauder house. The jackass was lucky that Sirius had only flung his jeans up onto the neighbor’s roof. He could have- and has- done much worse.

 

Sirius bites back a smile as he uncaps a bottle of red paint, dabbing it onto the canvas. “I’m sure it’s for the best, Moony. Now you’ll be swinging single for your birthday this weekend. Besides, she wasn’t right for you anyway. She was a  _ sociology _ major. They’re all hella weird.”

 

Remus smiles as he runs his fingers through the freshly added paint, ruining the shading that Sirius was working on. “I suppose you’re right, it would never have worked out, even if I’d wanted it to.”

 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “ _ Did _ you want it to?” He hopes the answer is no. He doesn’t want Remus to have a serious relationship. No, that’s not what he means. He just doesn’t want Remus to have a serious relationship with any of the second-rate people that he’s dragged home so far. Sirius wants Remus to raise his standards, that’s all. He only has Remus’ best interests at heart, naturally.

 

Remus sighs, running a hand through his hair, tangling red paint through his curls. “Not really, no, but- I don’t know, maybe- it doesn’t matter, you know? I never let myself think about whether I wanted it or not, I just- I have too much other shit going on, you know, keeping up my grades for my scholarship, dealing with whatever the fuck is going on with my health, and it’s just- it’s hard to let people in, you know? You let people in and they leave eventually, whether by choice or by circumstance, so what’s the point, really?”

 

Sirius frowns. He’s not as happy as he was a few minutes ago. “The fuck are you talking about, Moony? What about us? What about the marauders? You let us in, and it’s worked out so far.”

 

Remus chuckles under his breath. “I didn’t let you in, Prongs bulldozed his way in, with you and Wormy following along aimlessly. Besides, friends aren’t the same, this isn’t forever, you know? Eventually you all will get partnered up, move out, start your own lives, move on. Just like my family did once moms wasn’t there to bridge the gap. You know as well as I do, even family doesn’t last forever.”

 

Sirius snorts derisively. “I know family doesn’t mean shit, Moony, but marauders are closer than family. We  _ choose _ each other. We’ll always be tight. And how the fuck are you assuming that any of us is ever going to get our shit together enough to get partnered up? Face it, you’re stuck with us. Monty and Effie will be sending you a card with their deepest apologies in the mail any day now.”

 

Remus is laughing now, shaking his head. “You say that now, but come talk to me again in ten years. You just need to meet the right person. Speaking of, did you hook up with someone at Fenwick’s place on Saturday? James said he saw you ducking into one of the back rooms. You holding out on me?” 

 

Remus is wriggling his eyebrows up and down suggestively. Sirius feels himself flush. Fucking James. Sirius is glad he’d made his partner go into the room ten minutes ahead of him to avoid James’ rudimentary sleuthing skills.

 

“Ah, no, I just- it was just some random, but we didn’t do much. We were both pretty wasted. Neither of us were really into it, so we just quit while we were ahead.” Sirius does not want to think about that encounter, which had been awkward as hell, just like every time he gets shitfaced enough to try and hook up with some dude. He’s not sure why he bothers anymore.

 

He scowls to himself before looking up and meeting Remus’ gaze. Remus seems calmer now, not as twitchy. He’s smiling at Sirius, that infuriating smile that’s impossible not to return. Sirius feels a grin spreading across his face. He snickers as he takes in Remus’ paint-smeared appearance.

 

“Fuck’s sake, Moony, I’m going to have to soak you in rubbing alcohol. You’ve got paint everywhere. I think some even got up your nose somehow. You’re a walking disaster.” Sirius raises a paint-covered hand and swipes it across Remus’ face, leaving red streaks.

 

Remus shrieks before throwing himself at Sirius, tackling him onto the canvas and holding him down as he smears paint across his face in retaliation. In a matter of minutes, both boys are coated with acrylics, tears of laughter streaming down their faces.

 

“Fuck, Moony, my hair’s starting to stick to the canvas. Let me up, dammit!” Sirius shoves hard against Remus’ chest as he struggles to sit upright. “Shit, man, we’re going to have to power wash the patio again. You got paint everywhere, Moony.”

 

Remus is smirking as he sits back on his heels. “At least we got some art out of it. Check it, Pads. A masterpiece for sure.” He gestures to the canvas, which is a horrible mess of oranges, reds and purples, blurring together unevenly.

 

Sirius chuckles as he rises to his feet, holding out a hand for Remus to help him up. “Looks like we’re all set for Prongs’ birthday gift this month. We’ll pretend we worked really hard on it and guilt him into hanging it over his bed.” He swipes his hand through Remus’ curls one last time before shoving him and running into the house, hollering first dibs on the shower.

  
  


**_**PRESENT DAY**_ **

 

**_Sunday, April 13, 2014, 1.17pm_ **

 

“Score! Street parking that’s less than six miles away from the restaurant!” James whistles as he maneuvers his way into a spot that can’t be more than two inches longer than the Prius itself.

 

Sirius stretches as he gets out of the car, running his hands through his hair. “Traffic wasn’t too bad. Everyone must be sleeping in today. Lazy shits.”

 

Remus pulls a beanie out of his shoulder bag, pulling it over his curls. “Not everyone can be as productive as us, Pads. Look at us, eating brunch, a meal served between breakfast and lunch, at one thirty in the afternoon.” 

 

“Hey, Souley Vegan serves brunch until three. We’re early by anyone’s standards. Shit, usually we’re rolling in at quarter of, arguing over who gets the last biscuit.”

 

Remus chuckles as they head down the street towards the restaurant, deftly sidestepping Sirius as he tries to snatch Remus’ stunners off his face. “Fair point. Maybe there’s just less traffic when you leave this early. I’m not complaining. Anything that makes the car ride shorter works for me. I may need to stop in the CVS and grab some earplugs for the ride back, though.”

 

James snorts as he throws an arm around Peter’s shoulders. “I don’t know why you’re complaining. We listened to your playlists. You said I could pick any of the songs on the list.”

 

Sirius can feel Remus rolling his eyes, even though they’re hidden behind the stunners. “When I said you could pick any song, I assumed you’d pick a variety of songs, and not repeat  _ Los Awesome _ over and over again. That was my bad, I guess. I don’t know why I assumed something so ludicrous.”

 

James reaches out to punch Remus gently on the shoulder. “Damn straight, that’s your bad. Should’ve laid down some ground rules if you were gonna get all aggro about it. You should be grateful. Either you can have me playing  _ Los Awesome _ , and be  _ chillin cool-cool with ya, _ or I can go back to singing  _ Gucci Gucci _ nonstop.”

 

Remus growls, raising one hand up to massage his temple. “I thought we agreed never to speak of that song again? Didn’t you learn your lesson last year, or do I have to shave another reverse mohawk in your hair?”

 

James laughs, ruffling his atrocious mess of locks. “You wouldn’t dare, Moony. I was an unbearable shit while it was growing back. You don’t want to have to listen to me cry myself to sleep for another three months.”

 

“I’ll crash with Pads til it grows back.” Remus’ tone is flippant as they walk through the front door of Souley Vegan, and Sirius is fairly sure he’s kidding, but he still allows a small, pleased smile to sneak onto his face. He makes a mental note to charge the battery on his electric razor when he gets home, just so that he’s prepared.

 

Once they’re settled at a table loaded down with biscuits and gravy, tofu scramble, waffles, chicken-fried tofu and mimosas, the marauders begin debating where they should go for the extended weekend coming up. Peter is making an impassioned plea for Tahoe when someone behind them clears their throat.

 

“Hey... Rem? What’s up?”

 

Remus turns to see a man standing with his hands in his pockets, smiling cautiously. He’s got shoulder-length dreadlocks, cocoa skin, ripped jeans, a tshirt that says  _ Powered by Plants, _ and dimples. He’s probably around their age, maybe a few years older. He’s locking eyes with Remus, who’s smiling back brightly. Sirius detests him immediately.

 

“Doccie! Shit, man, I haven’t seen you in ten years. How are you?” Remus is out of his chair, laughing as he claps the other man on the shoulder. Sirius frowns as he watches a strange arm wrap itself around Remus’ shoulders in a side hug. He hisses as he feels a sharp pain on his arm. James is pinching him, giving him a warning glance.

 

“Last time I saw you, you were a skinny kid with dorky glasses and a  _ Vote For Pedro _ tshirt. You’ve grown up since then.” The strange guy’s smile widens as his eyes subtly take in Remus from head to toe. “I heard you moved out of the cuts and got some schooling. What are you doing back in the town?”

 

Remus chuckles, tugging on the edge of his beanie. “Yeah, man, I guess. I’m done school. Just an average cog in the machine now, in the valley. But you know I’ve gotta come back up here for the good eats.”

 

The stranger laughs, rather gratingly, Sirius thinks. “I feel you. I’m based in Berkeley nowadays, but I’m not about to miss Tamearra’s Sunday biscuits and gravy, yeah?”

 

Remus smirks, rubbing the back of his neck as he looks around, suddenly noticing that he’s got three pairs of eyes staring up at him questioningly.

 

“Oh sorry, Doc… Um, these are- these are my boys from school, Peter, James and Sirius.” He points at each of them as he says their name, and they each respond with a smile and a nod, except for Sirius, who responds with an unimpressed eyebrow raise.

 

“Guys, this is Caradoc, my, uh… a friend from back in the day.”

 

Caradoc- what the fuck kind of name is that?- smiles at the marauders, reaching his hand into his back pocket and pulling out his phone. “Nice to meet you all. Rem, I’ve gotta get back to my crew, but I’ll actually be down in Mountain View this week, if you want to grab a drink? Catch up? You’re looking well. I want to hear everything you’ve been up to.” 

 

Sirius feels his stomach clench as Remus takes the phone from Caradoc, typing in his number. “Absolutely. Hit me up when you’ve got the deets. Or hit me up whenever. I’d be interested to know what a boy from the cuts gets up to in Berkeley. Can’t be anything good.” 

 

Remus hands the phone back to Caradoc, letting their fingers brush against each other for a second too long, holding Caradoc’s gaze for slightly longer than necessary, smirking in a way that makes Sirius tighten his hands into fists. He’s seen that smirk too many times before. He knows what it means. Remus is getting his dick sucked this week. 

 

Sirius zones out for the remainder of the meal, poking at his potatoes dejectedly as he waits for the others to scarf down their food. He should have known it was too good to be true, should have known that Remus’ dry spell couldn’t last forever, should have known that eventually Sirius would have to face the fact that his fucked up joke of a fantasy life with Remus was never going to happen.

 

Sirius says very little as they head out of the restaurant, Remus giving Caradoc a salute as they head out. He tries very hard to keep his emotions shoved down deep in his stomach as the marauders argue about what playlist will serenade them on the ride home.

 

“Damn it, Prongs, I’m not letting you choose any of the songs this time. I’ve got more faith in Wormy’s DJ skills than yours.” Remus is walking next to Sirius, their arms brushing together lightly, but for once, that doesn’t bring Sirius the comfort that it usually does.

 

“Moony, I am an amazing DJ. You’re just jealous because I choose singable songs and you can’t hack it with your shitty karaoke skills.”

 

Remus rolls his eyes. “Prongs, your singing skills are shit. We all know this. Volume does not make up for talent. Just so you know.”

 

“But Moony... did  _ you _ know?” James is grinning like a madman as he turns around and walks towards Remus.

 

Remus raises an eyebrow. “Do I know what?”

 

“Did you know... that when it snows…”

 

“Oh, please, no.” Remus is groaning, burying his face in his hands as James gets closer.

 

“My eyes become large... and the light that you shine can be seen?”

 

“What did I do to deserve this?” Remus is mumbling into his hands as James drops to his knees in front of Remus.

 

“MOOOOONAAAAAYYYYY, SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING KISS FROM A ROSE ON THE GREY, OOOOOHHHHHHH THE MORE I GET OF YOU THE STRANGER IT FEELS, YEAHHHHHHH, NOW THAT YOUR ROSE IS IN BLOOM-”

 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I STAB YOU AND LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD.” Remus is beet red, looking as if if can’t decide whether he wants to burst into laughter or smack James upside the head. Sirius and Peter are keeling over laughing. Not one person who’s walked by has made any indication that anything out of the ordinary is happening.

 

Sirius wipes tears of mirth from his eyes as he watches Remus pretend to beat on James. He’s being ridiculous, he decides. So what if Remus hooks up with this dude? It’s not going to change anything. Remus always comes back to the marauders. He always comes back to Sirius. This won’t be any different. There’s no need to get all worked up, no need to hack into Remus’ phone and monitor his texts, no need to stalk Remus and this Caradoc on their inevitable date.

 

Everything will be fine. Just like always.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Souley Vegan is real and delicious, so hit them up if you're ever in Oakland.
> 
> Thanks for all of your lovely comments and kudos! They keep me motivated, especially as we start heading into some sticky situations. Next week, the boys go on a road trip, Lily and Sirius talk some sense into each other, and Sirius isn’t sure if things are getting better or worse.
> 
> I really love hearing your feedback! Feel free to leave a comment, or message me on Tumblr @nachodiablo. Thank you so much for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonfires and blueberries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta readers as usual, Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree!

 

_**Thursday, April 17, 2014, 12:06pm** _

Sirius is leaning against the wall between the dumpsters and the back entrance of Godric Media. The rough brick is digging into his skin through the thin material of his shirt as he raises a cigarette to his lips and takes a drag, enjoying the feel of the the acrid smoke running down his throat, filling his lungs, burning through his insides until he exhales a cloud of dingy grey.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” The amused voice startles Sirius, who turns to see Lily slipping out through the back door, walking over to him and leaning against the wall beside him.

Sirius shrugs, taking another drag. “I don’t. I mean, I don’t smoke cigarettes. At least, I don’t smoke cigarettes when I’m sober.”

Lily rolls her eyes, smirking as she reaches over to pluck the cigarette from his hand, lifting it to her lips, making a face as she hands it back. “What the hell are these, American Spirits?”

Sirius grins back at her, pretending to flick his ash on her shoes. “You know how health conscious I am, Lily. I only smoke the natural stuff. Plus the packaging is pretty racist, so, you know, that’s also a deterrent from getting hooked.”

Lily chuckles as she grabs the cigarette again, dropping it to the ground and snuffing it out with the toe of her sneaker. “Better not let James catch you. Remember what happened last time you fell off the wagon?”

Sirius smirks, running his hands through his hair before dropping his head back to rest against the brick. Last year, Sirius had taken up smoking semi-permanently for a few weeks, much to the consternation of James. He’d dropped the habit after James had set up an out of office email message from his account during one of his smoke breaks.

_Sirius Black is away from the office, giving himself cancer and attempting to smell like a dirty ashtray. He will return your email shortly, assuming that he doesn’t light his hair on fire again._

It had stayed on for three and a half hours until an irate client had spammed him with anti-smoking propaganda from the Truth campaign.

“No need to fret, Lily. My keepers are otherwise preoccupied, so I’m free to misbehave. James is picking up lunch and Remus is glued to his phone, messaging _Doccie,_ no doubt. Don’t think he even noticed that I left my desk.” Sirius can’t stop the bitterness that slips into his voice, not that he’s trying to stop it. He stares at the concrete intently, watching a row of ants strategically surround an apple core.

He feels Lily’s hand come up to rest on his upper arm, squeezing it gently, and turns to give her a strained smile. She looks concerned, her eyebrows knit together, her mouth curving into a little frown.

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I know he’s been… distracted by Caradoc this week.”

Sirius snorts in derision. “Distracted? By Caradoc? More like work and his friends are distracting him from spending every fucking second jacking off to how awesome _Doccie_ is.” He kicks at the apple core, taking pleasure in watching the ants scurry around mindlessly in confusion, just as he himself has been feeling all week.

“Well, you know how it is. You never forget your first.” Lily cringes as Sirius shoots a death glare her way. “I just meant… you know, he and Caradoc go way back. I’m sure Rem’s told you.”

Sirius shrugs, sliding down the wall into a seated position, resting his arms on his knees and leaning forward. Lily joins him, squatting gracefully on her toes so as not to get the seat of her jeans dirty. Sirius doesn’t fucking care at this point. He hopes his ass gets nice and gross so he can get shit all over James’ chair when he goes back inside.

“He doesn’t talk much about his _friends_ with us. Not until they hang around long enough to overstay their welcome. When he starts talking about them and bringing them around the house regularly, that’s when we know their days are numbered.”

Sirius does not mention that his own interfering is often the reason as to why their days are numbered. That information is not fucking pertinent. He peers at Lily, reaching over to poke her in the kneecap. “Why do you ask? He spill anything good to you?”

Lily looks pensive as she takes a moment to collect her thoughts before responding. “Nothing much, just that Caradoc was his first real crush, I guess. You know, the hot, older guy in the neighborhood. He’s probably just excited to be living out his childhood fantasies or something.”

Sirius flicks Lily’s kneecap with his fingers. “What the fuck, Lily? Are you trying to make me feel better or worse?” He grins at her, but his expression is lackluster. “Remus has met up with this loser in Mountain View twice. Two times in three days. This asshole lives in fucking Berkeley, and he takes public transport. Why the fuck’s he coming down here so often? He’s willing to spend two hours each way on the hell that is BART and Caltrain just to get his dick sucked?”

Lily sighs, snapping one of the hair elastics on Sirius’ wrist painfully. “Don’t be a tool, Sirius. He’s meeting with VCs, trying to get funding for his non-profit thing-”

Sirius groans, burying his face in his hands. “Stooooooop. Fuck. You’re supposed to be on my side, here. You’re supposed to hate him. You’re supposed to tell me his dimples look like ugly craters and his laugh is grating and his locs are a weird length.”

Lily laughs, ruffling his hair. “Sorry dude, I’m not going to lie to you. Caradoc seems chill from what Rem’s told me. I’m not going to drag him. But I will say that I think you and Rem are so compatible that it’s going to be hard for anyone else to measure up.”

Sirius looks over at her blankly, unimpressed by her so-called maturity and lack of Caradoc bashing. She snickers as she reaches over to pinch his cheek.

“Alright, how about I add that even though Caradoc is very hot from the pics I’ve seen, you are even hotter, and there’s no way Rem would ever be able to disagree with that statement?”

Sirius turns his head away in mock snobbery, although inside he’s slightly mollified. “Looks aren’t everything, Lily, and it’s a good thing, too, or else I’d rule over you all, and I would not be benevolent.”

Lily is giggling now, shaking her head. “I’d make a joke about you being too distracted by your own reflection to see an assassination attempt coming, but the infuriating part about you being so pretty is that you don’t even seem to notice it half the time.”

“Whoa, simmer down there, Lily, you know I don’t swing your way, and even if I did, you and I could never be together. I couldn’t play James like that.” He grabs her hand, squeezing it tightly, looking into her eyes with exaggerated earnestness. “We can never be together, my pet. I’m so sorry. But we’ll always remember this time we spent together, crouched over an anthill by the dumpsters.” He drops a kiss to her hand before dropping it and looking away, throwing an arm over his eyes.

Lily is full-on laughing, rocking back on her heels until she falls backwards onto her ass, landing in a pile of dirt. “Sirius, I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with you, but I love it.” She kicks the side of his shin playfully. “So, you guys are going away this weekend. Guerneville, right? Rem said you’re leaving after work today. You thought about making any moves while you’re up there? Snatch him up before Caradoc gets his claws in any deeper?”

Sirius feels his shoulders slump as he rests his head back into his hands. “No, I’m not going to- I’m just going to bide my time. Moony’ll get over this guy. He always gets over them. And in the meantime I’ll work out my own shit and figure out how the fuck I’m supposed to tell him- to tell him- what I want, and… shit, Lily, I don’t know.” He rubs one eye with the heel of his hand. “Why the fuck am I even considering this? This is all your fault, you know. I hate you.”

Lily sticks her tongue out playfully. “I hate you too. And you’re considering it because you two are so incredibly annoying with your will-they-won’t-they sexual tension, that if one of you doesn’t say something, and soon, James and Peter are eventually going to beat the shit out of you both in frustration.”

Sirius cringes as the term _sexual tension_ reminds him of exactly why he shouldn’t be thinking about this. “That’s just it, we don’t have- it’s not like- we’re not like- our relationship isn’t like that.”

“It’s not like what?” Lily raises an eyebrow in confusion.

Sirius picks at a hole in the knee of his jeans, focusing intently on keeping his gaze away from Lily’s. “It’s just, neither of us have ever been in a legit relationship before and I think… we might want different things, or have different expectations, or something. Moony’s- he’s just more experienced with certain things, and I don’t know if… if I could…” He lets out a shuddering sigh, pressing his lips together and falling into silence.

He jumps a bit as Lily’s hand rests on top of his own, stilling his fingers. “Sirius… relationships are about more than just the… physical aspects. I mean, obviously that’s something you two will need to discuss, if there’s something that’s making you uncomfortable, but I’m sure that you two could work it out.”

Sirius clears his throat. “Some relationships are about more than just the physical, sure… but none of Moony’s have been. Not really. Not in the five years I’ve known him.”

“And have any of them lasted?” Lily’s voice is gentle, softer than Sirius has ever heard it before, at least when directed at himself or James. “Maybe he wants something more.”

Sirius laughs loudly at this, shooting one leg straight out in front of him on the ground as he lets his head thump back against the brick painfully, startling both Lily and the ants. “Come the fuck on, Lily. Moony doesn’t let himself want anything. As soon as he figures out that he wants something, he comes up with a minimum of fifteen reasons why he can’t have it, and then avoids it forever. If he wants me, I’m screwed, because we’ll never-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, stop it. This conversation is getting way off track.” Lily sounds irritated now, standing up and brushing off the seat of her jeans. “We all know Rem’s got issues, but if he tries to deny that there’s something special between you two, I will personally lay the smackdown on him.”

She reaches out her hand to Sirius, who grabs it to help pull himself to his feet. “Wow, great therapy session. Thanks a lot. I hope you weren’t planning on going back to school for psych.”

Lily flushes slightly as she brushes the dirt off Sirius’ back roughly. “Shut up. I was a psych major, actually. Back in the day. Always thought I would finish up my degree and go for my PhD, but…” She trails off, looking wistfully at the apple core, which is now completely obscured by ants.

Sirius rolls his eyes, tucking his hair behind one ear. “But instead of living off ramen noodles in the middle of Bumblefuck, Kansas on an adjunct’s below-poverty-line wages, you’re suffering away in full-time employment, with paid bills and good healthcare, poised to take over Minnie’s throne and fuck up all the bigots in this house.”

Before Lily can retort, the back door swings open and James pokes his head through. “Pads? What the fuck are you doing out here? The veggie pho’s going to get cold.”

Sirius’ eyes narrow as he points a finger at Lily. “I caught Lily smoking out here, Prongs. Menthols, no less. I was trying to convince her to quit.”

James looks like he’s just caught Lily lighting a crack pipe in a daycare center. “Oh, Lily, _no!_ How can you risk your health this way? Don’t you know-”

“It’s fine, James. It was just one cigarette, and Sirius has convinced me not to make a habit of it. At least not while I’m sober.” Lily elbows Sirius sharply in the ribs before heading towards the door, with Sirius following behind her.

“Nice to know you appreciate my words of wisdom, Lily. I’m such a good influence on you.” Sirius pats Lily on the head as the walk through the door, avoiding James’ confused expression.

Lily swats his hand away, grinning. “Don’t be an ass, Sirius, or I’m going to eat all the noodles out of your pho.”

  
_**Friday, April 18, 2014, 9:43am** _

Sirius is lying on his back, covers pulled up to his chin, listening as the other marauders shuffle around the Potters’ Guerneville vacation house. He’s staring up at the ceiling, wide awake, although he’s sure there are dark circles under his eyes from all the sleep he didn’t get last night.

There are three bedrooms in this house. One downstairs and two upstairs. Lately, whenever there are three beds to divvy up, Remus and Sirius always share. It’s never even up for discussion.

Last night was different. Last night, Remus had headed up to bed early, around one. When Sirius had made his way upstairs an hour later, he’d been surprised to find the door to their usual bedroom closed. He’d gone to open it, but had stopped when he’d heard Remus talking to someone in a low voice, chuckling every so often in a way that made Sirius’ stomach knot uncomfortably.

He’d stalked back downstairs, told James and Peter they’d have to share the downstairs bed, or the couch, he didn’t give a fuck as to which, grabbed a drinking glass from the kitchen, and locked himself in the room next to Remus, where he suffered through Remus’ disgusting banter with fucking Caradoc for the next hour, banter that he was forced to listen to with the glass pressed between his ear and the wall.

He hadn’t been able to hear much, which was annoying- fucking Potters and their thick, insulated walls. Who the fuck has insulated walls in NorCal? Regardless, he had been able to pick up on Remus’ tone, as well as a few phrases, and it hadn’t been hard to imagine the rest of the conversation.

_Oh, Doccie, tell me more about your thrilling life in Berkeley with all the hipster shitheads sporting their ironic mustaches and thrifted flannels._

_Oh Doccie, I just can’t wait to get my nose stuck in one of your crater-like dimples the next time we’re slobbering all over each other in Mountain View._

_Oh, Doccie, I just love imagining myself jacking you off without having you getting all fucking awkward and kicking me in the shins like Sirius probably would if we ever hooked up._

_Oh, Doccie, I’m so ecstatic that we reconnected, now I have an excuse to spend time with someone other than Sirius, my pathetic friend who’s constantly hanging all over me even though he’s too much of a fucked-up loser to ask for what he really wants._

Sirius hears the front door open, then slam shut again as someone leaves the house. He hears the banging of Le Creuset in the kitchen. He hears the thumping of music streaming through the downstairs speakers. He hears footsteps bounding up the stairs, and groans as he pulls the covers over his head, awaiting the inevitable shitshow that is James Potter in the morning.

James throws the door open, letting it bang against the wall. “RISE AND SHINE TIME, PADS! I need you to make the pancakes by the time Moony and Wormy get back with the coffee.”

Sirius does not acknowledge his presence, not that it matters as James runs over to the bed and belly flops on top of him, elbows and knees angling themselves into sensitive areas.

“Fuck, Prongs! You kneed me in my fucking junk!” Sirius throws the covers off his face, bundling them over James’ head and wrestling him to the ground as they fall off the bed, their legs tangled in the sheets. After a few minutes of struggling, James pins Sirius to the ground, grinning triumphantly, though his hair's a disaster and his glasses are crooked.

“Stop being an ass, Pads. I made the batter already, but you know I can’t flip pancakes for shit. Mom’s still pissed that I ruined three of those cast iron pans last time we were up here.”

Sirius growls as he shoves James off and gets to his feet, grimacing as he stretches his arms and rolls his shoulders. “Can you blame her? I don’t know what the fuck you did to those pans. Seasoned cast iron is naturally nonstick.”

James rolls his eyes as he straightens his glasses. “Obviously it’s not, or else how do you explain how the onions permanently attached themselves to the pan, hmmm? Solve that mystery, Sherlock.” He shoves Sirius towards the door, tripping over the sheets that are still tangled on the floor.

“The answer to that mystery is that you’re a fucking shithead who can’t cook and it’s a miracle you haven’t burned down any houses yet.” Sirius trudges down the stairs towards the kitchen with James trailing behind him, humming along to the music that Sirius can now recognize as the Roots.

They settle into a routine, with Sirius pouring the batter and flipping the pancakes, while James adds blueberries to each pancake while it’s cooking in the pan so that he can create a variety of inappropriate patterns.

James is working on dropping blueberries into a dick pattern when he shifts his gaze over towards Sirius, who’s leaning against the counter, scowling and yawning, smacking the spatula against his arm in time with the music. “You have any trouble sleeping, Pads? What happened last night? Did Moony kick you out of bed?”

Sirius presses his lips together in irritation. “Moony and I didn’t sleep together last night. And no, I didn’t get any fucking sleep. Moony kept me up all night being noisy as fuck while he was sending nonstop dick pics to his new friend.” Sirius is too tired to bother keeping the acid out of his voice.

James sighs, moving away from the pancake so Sirius can flip it. “He takes noisy dick pics, does he? Which app is the one that sends noisy dick pics? Is that a new add-on in SnapChat?”

Sirius stays silent as he stares intently at the pancake, willing it to cook faster. He doesn’t say a word as he flips the pancake into the toaster oven to keep warm before pouring fresh batter into the pan and stepping back, allowing James to write A-S-S in blueberries on the pancake before continuing his work wordlessly.

James clears his throat as they finish up the sixth pancake. “Look Pads… I’m sorry for being an asshole, alright?”

Sirius smirks at this, smacking James on the shoulder with the spatula. “Any particular instance, or are you just apologizing for all your asshole-ery in general?”

James chuckles as he steps aside for Sirius to flip. “I just mean… I’m sorry about Moony, alright? I guess I might sometimes be a little overbearing when I tease you about him, and it’s just… I’ll stop, if it’s making you uncomfortable.”

Sirius looks at him suspiciously. “You’ve been talking to Lily about me, haven’t you?”

  
James is grinning sheepishly. “I wouldn’t say we’ve been talking about you, it was more like she warned me to stop pushing the issue.”

Sirius flips another pancake into the toaster oven. “If this is a sign that Lily can force you to act like a normal human being who can pick up on social cues, I’m very happy that she’s finally giving you the time of day.”

James tilts his head and raises an eyebrow. “So she’s right? It makes you uncomfortable?”

Sirius flings a blueberry at James’ head. “You fucking know it does.”

James ducks the blueberry halfheartedly. “Well yeah, but I thought, maybe if I annoy the shit out of you enough, you’ll come to terms with whatever the fuck you’re feeling for Moony and put the rest of us out of our misery.”

Sirius lets out a short burst of laughter. “What a brilliant plan, Prongs. I can’t believe it’s not working. Frankly, I don’t give a shit about anyone else’s misery but my own.”

He backs away, and James drops one blueberry in the center of the pancake, shrugging as Sirius looks at him questioningly. “It’s a boob. That’s the nipple.”

Sirius shakes his head, smirking as he moves to flip it. James ruffles his hair, looking pensive. “Look Pads, if you want to talk to me about stuff, you know I’m here for you. No matter what.”

Sirius chews on his lower lip thoughtfully as he pours more batter. “I know, Prongs. I’ve always known that. Asshole. This is just- it’s not about needing someone to listen. I’ve just got to work some things out. Hopefully by the time I get my shit together, Moony’ll be done with this dude, and I swear, I’ll… I’ll at least talk to him. But in the meantime, just… just drop it. Okay?”

James raises his hands defensively. “No worries, man. I solemnly swear I will shut the fuck up about you and Moony… until he’s done with Caradoc. By that time, if you still aren’t doing anything about your situation, I reserve the right to resume my pestering.”

Sirius is attempting to think up something insulting to say, but before he can come up with a sick burn, Remus and Peter are walking through the front door, bearing coffee, tea, a variety of citrus fruits, and a newspaper that Remus will pretend to read in an attempt to be pretentious.

“Right on time! Pancakes are done. Pass me the coffee, Wormy. Can’t believe we only had Folgers here. Might as well use dirt from the garden, except that might actually taste better.” James plucks one of the cups from the tray that Peter is carrying, taking a large sip, eyes bulging out of his head when he realizes how hot it is.

Remus grabs a stack of plates and some forks, bringing them over to the table and setting four places, drumming his fingers against the edge of his own plate as Sirius doles out the pancakes. “So… I was thinking… you know how we’re doing the bonfire at our beach tonight? Would it be okay if Caradoc comes along?”

Sirius drops a pancake on the floor, staring at Remus blankly, blinking a few times as if coming out of a trance. James silently reaches down to pick up the pancake, dusting it off before dropping it on his own plate. “What’s the deal, Moony? He’s going to come all the way from Berkeley just to see you for a night?”

Remus flushes a bit, looking down at his plate, the corners of his mouth turning slightly upwards as he attempts to hold back a smile. “No, Prongs, he’s actually going to be in town. A bunch of his friends are renting a house here for spring break, and he was going to drive up today anyway to spend the night with them.”

“He just _happens_ to have friends in Guerneville? And he _just so happens_ to be visiting them this weekend? Sounds creepy, Moony. You may have a stage 5 clinger on your hands.” Sirius is trying to keep his tone light, but his hands are gripping the edges of his chair painfully.

Remus laughs, seemingly calm, although Sirius notices that he won’t look any of the marauders’ in the eye. “It’s not really that odd, Pads. Guerneville is basically the gayest part of Sonoma, and Sonoma is already hella gay. Plus it’s vegan friendly. It’s basically the pinnacle of snobby gay vegan debauchery.”

Peter laughs as he starts peeling a tangelo. “Whatever, Moony. I don’t mind if he comes along, It would be nice to meet him. You guys seem to be hanging out an awful lot.”

James looks at Sirius briefly before shoving a forkful of pancake in his mouth. “S’fine w’ me too.” He casually moves his hand over to jab his nail sharply into Sirius’ knuckle. Sirius hisses quietly as he pulls his hand up to rub at one of his eyes. He’s staring at the blueberry dick in his pancake morosely, though he’s trying hard to keep a blank expression on his face.

“Yeah, sounds good Moony. Be nice to finally meet the guy who’s taking up so much of your time nowadays.” Sirius inwardly curses at how fucking thirsty he sounds. He’s so pathetic. Quickly, he plasters a huge grin on his face and looks up at the others. “So what’s the plan until then? Who’s ready to get kicked out of a wine tasting?”

Peter laughs and starts chattering about some girl he was talking to at the store this morning about some organic winery or some other such bullshit. Sirius is grateful to him for changing the subject so quickly.

He’s got to pull himself together. If he’s going to wait out this Caradoc situation, he’s got to stay chill. He’s got to play it cool. He’s got to act like he can’t fucking wait to meet the asshole who’s got his dirty, hippie fingers all over _his_ Moony-

Okay. Maybe he’s got to be slightly more chill than that. Which will be no problem. No problem at all.

  
_**Friday, April 18, 2014, 7:28pm** _

Sirius isn’t sure how the fuck he got stuck carrying all the blankets plus the wood for the bonfire, while James only has the takeout bags and booze, and Peter isn’t carrying a damn thing. He drags his flip flops through the sand as they slip through the entrance to the beach, the marauders’ secret beach, the beach that used to be a secret to everyone but the marauders until Remus decided to bring one of his randoms along.

He trudges down to their usual bonfire spot, dropping the wood and blankets in the sand, ignoring James’ protests as he walks wordlessly to the wooden swing that hangs from one of the trees, sitting down heavily, rocking himself back and forth with one toe as Peter and James set up.

Sirius is keeping a close eye on the beach entrance, waiting for Remus and Caradoc to appear. When he sees them strolling up the path, hand-in-hand, he grits his teeth, steadying his breathing and keeping his facial expression neutral. With the angle of the entranceway, the pair can’t see Sirius watching them as they stop for a moment to kiss briefly, keeping their hands intertwined, with Caradoc raising his other hand to cup Remus’ cheek gently.

Sirius feels sick as his stomach twists tightly. He’s seen Remus kissing other people, obviously. Over the past five years, he’s seen Remus in varying degrees of intimacy with plenty of people, and yet somehow, this feels different. Sirius isn’t sure why he feels so shitty. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t had to see it in such a long time. Maybe it’s because of the cringeworthy way Caradoc is smiling as he whispers something into Remus’ ear. Maybe it’s because of the way Remus is grinning at Caradoc like a lovestruck jackass.

Maybe it’s because, over the past six months, something has changed between Remus and Sirius, even if neither of them has been willing to admit it, and it fucking hurts to see Remus acting like everything’s the same as it was.

Sirius gets off the swing and heads over towards the pair as they walk down the beach. He hadn’t wanted to see Caradoc again for the first time in front of Peter and James, hadn’t wanted to feel their pitying stares as he shook hands with the asshole, hadn’t wanted to have to briskly change the subject after James blurted out some comment and made everything awkward as fuck.

“Hey Pads! You remember Caradoc, right? And Caradoc, you remember my friend Sirius.” Remus seems relaxed as he re-introduces them, but Sirius notices that he’s dropped Caradoc’s hand and is tugging at his curls absentmindedly.

Sirius throws on his most charming smile. “Of course I remember, Moony. It was only a few days ago that we ran into him.” He chuckles as if it’s a joke before holding out his hand to Caradoc. “Nice to see you again. Glad you could join us.” He keeps the smile on his face, though from the way Remus is furrowing his brow slightly, Sirius knows he can detect the slight edge of chill in his voice, the trademark of his lingering Black family gift of condescension.

Caradoc is beaming as he shakes Sirius hand enthusiastically. “Great to see you, man. Rem’s been talking about you guys nonstop. Sounds like y’all get up to some wild shit down on the peninsula.” Caradoc seems genuinely pleased to be talking to Sirius, which only proves to Sirius that Caradoc is fucking clueless.

They wander down to the bonfire, which is burning brightly thanks to Peter’s attentions. James is grinning and waving like a jackass, opening up the takeout containers.

“What up, Moony? Caradoc, nice to see you again. You ready to chow down? I just got the basic veggie stuff from Blomster’s. Tempeh rice cakes, bibimbap, and noodle bowls, with a few sides, all vegan, of course.”

Caradoc is smiling as he sits on one of the blankets next to Remus, accepting an open container and fork from Peter. “Thanks. Wow, this place is something else. Very secluded. Beautiful. Nice view.” He winks at Remus, who elbows him lightly in the side, flushed and grinning.

“Yeah, this place is pretty tight. We don’t usually bring outsiders along when we come here. Don’t want them to feel awkward about intruding in our space.” Sirius thinks he’s keeping his tone playful, but if the exasperated glares on Peter and James’ faces are anything to go by, he’s doing a shitty job.

Caradoc raises an eyebrow at him. “Really? I didn’t realize this was a VIP event.” He tilts his head towards Remus, and Sirius grits his teeth as he sees their pinky fingers brushing against each other. “Does this mean I’m special?”

Remus groans and drags his hand down the side of his face. “Be quiet and eat your bibimbap.” He chucks a balled-up napkin at Caradoc’s lap. Sirius is fairly sure that his teeth are going to be worn down to the nub if he grinds them together any tighter, but it’s taking all of his willpower not to lose his shit at the fucking ridiculous way Remus is acting.

Sirius clears his throat. “So Caradoc, what do you do, anyway? What’s keeping you in Berkeley?” He feels a flood of sarcastic comments rising in his throat, but he is able to shove them back down and keep his trap shut. James catches his eye and nods approvingly.

Caradoc smiles at him, that stupid bright smile that makes him look like a fucking cartoon character. “I’m working on opening a place downtown. Salads, rice bowls, juice bar, that sort of thing. Still in the first stages, but we’ve got a location picked out. It’s a lot of work, but I love it, you know? Even all the boring permits and paperwork seems exciting to me.”

“Nice. A juice bar. That’s just what downtown Berkeley needs.” Sirius keeps his voice cool and even, pretending not to see Peter flipping him off.

Caradoc laughs like a braying donkey. “You’re hilarious, man! And I feel you, you’re right on target with that commentary. My place is actually going to be a non-profit thing. All proceeds are going to go towards food and health programs for disadvantaged kids.”

“Oh. That’s… cool.” Sirius struggles to keep his face neutral, especially as Remus brightens up and grabs Caradoc by the arm.

“Tell them about the food bank program, Doccie.” Sirius cringes as he hears Remus use that awful fucking nickname. He’s known this dude for less than a week, and they’re already at the nickname level of companionship? Sure, they knew each other back when they were kids, but that was so long ago, it should hardly count.

Caradoc smiles, and Sirius snickers to himself when he sees that there’s a chunk of greens in his teeth. “Ah, right. I’m talking with one of the local food banks about donating leftover food at the end of the day. Better to have it eaten than thrown away, right? Be nice if we could get some other places on board as well. We’d have a waste-free Berkeley, yeah?”

“My dad does that!” James is waving his hand excitedly as he spills tempeh down the front of his shirt. “He’s retired now, but he still does a lot of philanthropic work. There are a couple of waste-free programs that he’s been involved with. You should talk to him. He loves talking business and he loves helping people, so he’d definitely be down for a lunch meeting or whatever.”

Caradoc looks over at James in surprise. “Wow, thanks man. I appreciate it but… I don’t want to impose or take advantage-”

“Shut the fuck up and stop being a drama queen martyr like Moony. It’s not taking advantage. This is what my dad does. Screw your pride or whatever, and at least talk to him.”

Caradoc laughs again, cloyingly. Sirius wonders why everyone else seems immune to how fucking annoying this guy is. “Alright, maybe I’ll ask him if he’s got any suggestions for people I could reach out to, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to hook up with him directly. I appreciate it, James, I do. But… for now, I think it’d be best to keep business and pleasure separate.”

Caradoc turns to wink at Remus, grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze. Remus is blushing, a silly grin sprawled across his face, one hand tugging at his curls infuriatingly. Peter and James are smiling at them, the traitors, as if they think the way Remus and Caradoc are carrying on is cute and acceptable. Sirius wants to scream at them all and spray his seltzer in their faces.

“Hey, Caradoc. You’ve got something nasty in your teeth.” Sirius’ voice is louder than usual, harsh enough to hide the tremor that’s lurking beneath the surface.

Caradoc furrows his brow, running his tongue over his teeth to find the offending piece of greens before grabbing a napkin to wipe it off quickly. He turns to Remus, smiling with all of his teeth exposed like a horse. Remus gives him a thumbs up before punching him lightly on the arm.

Caradoc turns back to Sirius, smiling with an unnerving amount of sincerity. “Good looks, man. Thanks for giving me a heads up. Would’ve been pretty embarrassing to be walking around like that all evening.”

Sirius presses his lips into a tight smile. He stares into the fire as Peter starts interrogating Caradoc on his music tastes, not wanting to bear further witness to this shithead charming his gullible so-called friends into thinking that he’s a nice guy.

Not that it matters if he is a nice guy. He’s still not right for Remus. He’s not good enough for Remus. He might have known Remus when he was a kid, but he doesn’t know Remus _now,_ not like the marauders do. Not like Sirius does.

Sirius has to get his shit together, he knows this. It’ll be awkward as fuck, but he’ll talk to Lily next week, he decides, once they’re back home and Doccie is back up in Berkeley where he belongs. Maybe, if Sirius is lucky, the next big earthquake will hit and take out the BART and the 880, stranding Caradoc in Berkeley forever, or at least until the state gets funding to rebuild, which will be never.

Sirius smiles to himself. Anything is possible, he supposes. It never hurts to think positively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All locations and foodstuffs are real as they are described. I'm not telling you where the secret beach is, though. ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading! As always, feel free to reach out to me on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) and let me know what you think.
> 
> Next week, we are celebrating 420, with a special guest returning for the festivities.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Schisms and Stingrays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: non-graphic child abuse and a homophobic slur are both in the flashback scene, so tread lightly over that section if you think it might be triggering.
> 
> Thanks to my beta buds Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree for their input this week as things start to ramp up.

 

**_Sunday, April 20 2014, 7:56pm_ **

 

“I’m telling you, it feels good to get some relaxing in for a change. A nice, chill evening is just what we needed.” James folds his arms and rests them behind his head, stretched out on the lounge chair by the pool, where the marauders are camped out, passing around a bong shaped like R2D2. As Dr. Dre breaks into  _ The Next Episode _ over the sound system, James reaches his foot over to Peter’s chair and begins tapping his leg in time to the music.

 

Remus laughs, reaching over to take the bong from Peter. “We just came home this morning from a weekend vacation. That wasn’t relaxing enough for you?” He takes a hit before passing R2D2 over to Sirius, who accepts it wordlessly.

 

James grins, closing his eyes. “Vacation can be very tiring, Moony. Having fun is so stressful. Good to get some downtime in for one more night before we get back to the grind on Tuesday.”

 

“I’ll agree that it’s good to be home. Get back to the normal routine.” Peter’s tone is light, but he’s side-eyeing Remus and Sirius warily.

 

Sirius scowls as he passes the droid back to Remus. “This isn’t your home, Wormy. Your home is blocking our fucking driveway.”

 

“Simmer down, Pads. Casa de Marauders is HQ for  _ all _ the marauders.” There’s a hint of warning in James’ tone that set Sirius’ teeth on edge.

 

He’s not sure how he made it through Friday and Saturday nights without punching something. Remus and Caradoc had monopolized everyone’s attention on Friday evening. Sirius had been forced to sit through a discussion of how great Tupac Shakur is (everyone already fucking knows this), how dorky Remus’ glasses were at age thirteen (they don’t sound any dorkier than the ones he wore when he was twenty), and how hilarious the bartender at Scratch was the last time Remus and Caradoc were there (Sirius’ comments on Remus’ panda shirt had been much funnier).

 

Sirius isn’t sure whether Saturday evening had been better or worse. Remus had straight up ditched them for dinner with Caradoc’s friends, and neither James nor Peter had been interested in hearing Sirius’ opinions about how fucking annoying the whole situation was. By the time Remus had returned to the Potters’, Sirius had (mostly accidentally) broken the television remote in an attempt to stop James from raising the volume any further to drown out his monologue.

 

“What the hell, James? I can’t believe your dad catered your weed party.” Dorcas is smirking as she and Marlene stroll over to the marauders, carrying plates laden with biryani, roti, and Flaming Hot Cheetos.

 

James tucks his legs up so that Marlene can have a seat on the end of his chair. “Well, I didn’t tell him that it was for four twenty. I said we were having a get together with all of our friends who don’t celebrate Easter. Which is also accurate.”

 

“So he just whipped up biryani for thirty people?” Dorcas has an eyebrow raised as she sits next to Marlene, forcing James to scrunch up even further in his chair. 

 

James laughs, snagging a few Cheetos off Marlene’s plate. “Thirty people is not a lot, Meadowes. Thirty people is an intimate dinner party for my family.” He tosses a Cheeto at Peter, who catches it in his mouth.

 

Sirius forces out a chuckle as he glances over at Remus, who’s smirking at his phone as he types, not paying any attention to the Cheeto war that is rising up around him. Probably texting  _ Doccie, _ as he had been the entire car ride home, which had been unbearably long. Remus had sat next to Sirius in the back seat, and had even offered to let Sirius lie his head in his lap, but Sirius had declined, seeing how Remus kept checking his phone out of the corner of his eye for new texts.

 

Instead, he spent the entire four hour ride home kicking James’ seat and sending Lily scathing text messages recounting how fucking awful Caradoc had been. Lily was marginally more supportive than those turncoats James and Peter, sending a few snarky quips of her own in response, but she had still chided Sirius about playing nice until he was ready to talk to Remus.

 

Sirius snorts as he remembers their conversation. Play nice until he’s ready to talk to Remus? When will he be fucking  _ ready _ to talk to Remus? He’s got half a mind to just stand up right now, snatch that fucking phone out of Remus’ hands, throw it in the pool, grab Remus by the shoulders and shake him, screaming his intentions at him, “Damn it, Moony! I want to- I want to-”

 

Sirius chews on his lower lip thoughtfully. He needs to come up with a romantic and coherent way to say, “Damn it, Moony, I want to fucking date you, and make out with you, and sleep in your bed every night, and even though I’m not that into all the rest of it, I’d be willing to try with you, because I feel like things might be different, because it’s  _ you, _ only they might be exactly the same as they fucking always are, and at that point, I hope you won’t be offended if I want to just stick to the making out and cuddling, because yes, actually, I  _ am _ that self centered that I would ask you to set aside your own needs to accommodate my fucked-up ones, and-”

 

Sirius sighs, staring moodily at the pool where some of his rugby teammates are sitting on the edge, dangling their feet in the water, passing around a few joints. He wishes Lily were here instead of at some Easter get together at her sister’s house. Judging by the few texts he’s received from her, she shares in this sentiment as well.

 

“Pads? You awake? It’s still early, man. You can’t be baked yet.” Sirius doesn’t register James’ words until a Cheeto hits him in the eye.

 

“Fuck, Prongs! You’re lucky I blinked, or else I’d be blinded by Cheeto dust right now, you fucking shithead! We don’t all have busted old man glasses to protect our vision.” Sirius’ voice is sharper than he intends for it to be, but he doesn’t give a shit. He’s fucking miserable, too miserable to try and hide it.

 

Remus usually notices when Sirius is this aggravated. He usually asks Sirius what the problem is. He usually makes some sort of sarcastic joke to cheer him up. He usually offers to go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air.

 

Tonight, Remus does none of these things. It’s not that he’s ignoring Sirius, it’s just that he’s… acting  _ different. _ Treating Sirius as if he’s James or Marlene or Lily. Or worse, Peter.

 

James rolls his eyes, standing up from his chair and brushing stray rice grains from his jeans. “Whatevs, Pads. Come on, Marls, you want to dance? Let’s turn up the music and get it going up in here!” He jogs over to the sound system, raising the volume as Blackstreet’s  _ No Diggity _ comes on.

 

Remus groans as James comes back over to grab Marlene’s hand, pulling her up and leading her to the center of the patio, twirling her playfully as they begin to dance, working a rhythm that even Sirius has to admit is pretty good. “I will never forgive  _ Pitch Perfect  _ for bringing this song back to the mainstream. We were just talking about this- we thought y’all had forgotten about it and we could reclaim it in peace, but no, Anna Kendrick had to lip synch to it. Before the end of this decade, all the best 90s R&B songs will be tainted.”

 

Dorcas and Peter are laughing, chiding Remus about sounding like a crotchety old man, but Sirius doesn’t find anything funny about the comment.  _ We were just talking about this.  _ Sirius is damn sure that he’s not included in that  _ we. _ He doesn’t like the idea of Remus being a  _ we _ with anyone besides the marauders. Isn’t a week too soon to be a  _ we _ with someone?

 

Sirius notices that Dorcas and Peter are staring at him, and realizes that he’s spoken that last sentence out loud. Fuck.

 

Remus has one eyebrow raised, his face relaxed into a calm expression that doesn’t fool Sirius one bit. “I didn’t mean  _ we _ as in being a couple, or… whatever you thought. I just meant it as… we’re just from the same place, you know? Same roots. Same sense of displacement amongst all… this.” 

 

Remus waves one hand in the air, gesturing vaguely. Sirius narrows his eyes. “The fuck do you mean, displacement? This is your home. We’re your friends. We’re your  _ family. _ You aren’t- this isn’t- I don’t know what kind of shit Caradoc’s been feeding you, but-”

 

“Well, I could use some more food. Dorcas, you coming?” Peter is scrambling to his feet, nervously looking back and forth between Sirius and Remus.

 

Dorcas looks down at her plate, which still holds three pieces of roti. “Yeah, I could do a second round. Let’s go.” She and Peter hurry towards the kitchen, leaving Sirius and Remus staring at each other intently. The neutral expression on Remus’ face is so fucking irritating to Sirius. He takes a deep breath, making an effort to keep his cool.

 

“Moony, don’t make that  _ face _ at me. That face like you’re the parent and I’m some snotty kid. I’m just saying- you’ve only known this guy a week, and already he’s some sort of fixture in your life. That’s fucking weird.”

 

Remus shakes his head slowly. “I’ve known him longer than a week, Pads. We grew up together. He was the hot, older guy in the neighborhood, you know, and he was out, and proud, and shit, Pads, even back then, he was…” Remus trails off, looking down at his hands, which are drumming nervously on the arm of his lounge chair. 

 

“So he knew you when you were a kid? So what? That was years ago, Moony. Isn’t it weird that he remembers you from when you were a fucking child? You were thirteen and he was what, twenty five or something? That’s more than a little creepy.” Sirius wishes that he’d paid better attention to the conversation that Friday evening on the beach. Maybe he’d have better ammunition to use against Caradoc now.

 

Remus sighs, drumming his fingers slightly faster. “It’s not creepy, Pads. He didn’t think of me  _ that _ way, not back then. And he wasn’t that old. He’s only five years older than us.”

 

“Still. It’s- ten years is a long time, Moony. You’ve changed, you’ve- he doesn’t know you yet.” Sirius feels his fingernails digging into his palms as he squeezes his hands into fists.

 

Remus chuckles softly. “He doesn’t know me yet, you’re right. I don’t expect him to. It’s just… easier to get to know someone, when you already know where they come from. When they face the same things every day that you do.”

 

Sirius frowns in confusion. “What things? What things do you face that we don’t? We spend literally every minute of every day together.”

 

Remus smiles sadly, reaching up one hand to tug at his curls. “I know, Pads. I’m not saying- look, it’s just surreal sometimes, being here. Being around people who’ve never had to struggle. Who’ve never had to worry about- things.”

 

Sirius is not any less confused. “The fuck are you talking about, Moony? I’ve struggled plenty. You fucking  _ know _ that. And sure, James has his family money, and Peter’s family has their slumlord holdings or whatever, but I don’t have- it’s just me. You know that. What the- what sort of things are you having to worry about that you can’t tell me?”

 

Remus rubs one eye, looking tired. “Look, Pads, this conversation is taking some strange turns. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m not trying to say your situation is better or worse than mine. It’s just different. I mean… you saw what happened last month. Another Black kid was shot in police custody. Victor White. Cops are saying he shot himself. While his hands were handcuffed. Behind his back. That was treated like a fucking reasonable explanation, and it’s just- it’s just hard, okay?”

 

Sirius feels his stomach clench up uncomfortably. “That would never happen to you, Moony. I’d fucking kill someone before they ever got the chance to touch you. I wouldn’t fucking care what kind of badge they were carrying.” He reaches out one hand to grip Remus’, not thinking about what he’s doing.

 

Remus looks down at Sirius’ hand covering his own, a strange look passing over his face for a moment before returning to that infuriatingly blank expression. He carefully removes his hand from Sirius’ grasp. “Look, Pads, I didn’t mean to get you all agitated. I don’t really want to discuss the finer points of systematic oppression tonight. We’re supposed to be having fun. It’s supposed to be a chill night. Why don’t you just relax? You’ve barely smoked all night.”

 

Remus stands up, stretching a bit before checking his phone. “I’m going to make a call. I’ll be back in a few. Try and chill out a bit, yeah?” He gives Sirius’ shoulder a squeeze before heading towards the gate, slipping out to the side yard without a backwards glance.

 

Sirius isn’t sure how he’s feeling, exactly. Some sort of concoction where confusion, jealousy and rage all blend together and turn him into a scowling ball of anger at being abandoned, once again, for fucking Caradoc. He’s not sure how this night could get any worse.

 

“Yo, Pads? You wanna come inside? We’ve got a guest.”

 

Sirius looks up to see Peter standing by the patio doors, looking nervous. He feels like kicking something. Of course Peter can make this night worse. What was he thinking? Sirius fucking hates everyone and everything in this moment.

 

He stalks over towards Peter, shooting an icy glare as he brushes past him, entering the house. “It’s a party, Peter. We’re  _ supposed _ to have guests. Why would you-”

 

Sirius stops halfway the the front door. Someone is standing in the open doorway, leaning one hand against the doorframe, running one hand through their slightly shaggy black hair, hair that’s just long enough now to show a slight wave, similar to his own.

 

“Reg? The fuck are you doing in my house?” Sirius doesn’t bother with any attempts at politeness. What’s the point?

 

“Sirius. Long time no run into each other.” Regulus is grinning, whether due to amusement at his own garbled phrasing or due to the alcoholic fumes that are rolling off his breath, Sirius isn’t sure.

 

Sirius scowls. He’s not in the mood for this shit. “The fuck are you doing here, Reg? How do you know where I live?”

 

Regulus shrugs, that goofy grin still plastered across his face. “I know things, man. I do know  _ some _ things. We live in the same town. We went to the same school. I  _ know _ things. I’m not some clueless jackass like everyone seems to think I am.”

 

Sirius glances back at Peter in exasperation. Peter shrugs. “He came with some of the younger rugby guys. I dunno. He’s  _ your _ brother, dude. You make the call.”

 

Sirius grits his teeth, turning back to Regulus. “Come in. Don’t eat the food. Don’t touch my shit. Don’t talk to my friends. Don’t set one fucking toe in any of the bedrooms. Don’t drink any of the good liquor. And for fuck’s sake, don’t talk to me or acknowledge me in any way.”

 

Regulus reaches out to pat Sirius on the arm as he comes inside, but misses as Sirius steps out of the way, heading back towards the patio. He’s so done with this shit. 

 

Sirius looks around the backyard, but there’s no sign of Remus. He walks over to the edge of the pool, watching the gate, hoping that Remus will return soon. He feels fairly shitty about how the night has gone so far, but there’s still time to get things back on track. 

 

Not caring if James catches him or not, Sirius pulls a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, lighting one defiantly, eyes never leaving the gate as he leans against the fence, waiting.

  
  


**_**FLASHBACK, 17 YEARS PRIOR**_ **

 

**_Monday, June 29 1997, 5:37pm_ **

 

Sirius is sitting on the floor in the living room. Each piece of his Lego Stingray Explorer set is laid out carefully on the floor in front of him. The diver guys and the stingray are sitting next to each other, because they are friends. The stingray protects the diver guys from bad guys. Sirius has already assembled the diver guys’ submarine. Now he is working on the stingray habitat.

 

The instructions are nowhere to be found. Sirius does not need the instructions. He is not a  _ baby. _ He is six- six and a half, actually- and this is an easy set to build anyway.

 

He looks up as his Appa enters the room. Appa does not look happy to see Sirius. Appa never looks happy to see Sirius. He looks happy whenever Reg is around. Sirius knows this is because Reg is a crybaby who does everything Appa and Amma say. Reg does not “act out” the way Sirius does.

 

Appa sits on the couch and picks up a book. It’s a boring one, called  _ The Dream Palace of the Arabs,  _ but there are no pictures of palaces, and the print is too small. Sirius knows this because he tried to read it last week before Appa caught him in the study. A tiny scowl appears on Sirius’ face as he remembers what had happened once he was caught.

 

“What are you building, Sirius?” Appa is looking up from his book, but he is not smiling. He does not smile when he talks to Sirius. He only smiles when he talks to Reg.

 

Sirius shrugs. “I’m just building this habitat for my stingray. When it’s done, the diver guys will go down in their submarine to visit the stingray, and-” Sirius trails off when he realizes that Appa is no longer paying attention to him. Sirius frowns. He does not like it when his parents ignore him.

 

Then again, Sirius does not always like it when his parents pay attention to him, either.

 

Today, though, Sirius wants his Appa to be impressed by his Lego set. There were lots of pieces for the underwater camera, but Sirius built it on the first try. He holds up the camera, in case his Appa can’t see it.

 

“Appa? Appa! I made the camera, see? It had lots of little pieces but I-”

 

“That’s nice, Sirius. Now, be quiet and let me read in peace.”

 

Sirius’ frown deepens. Appa is not looking up from his book. Sirius carefully sets the camera back down and holds up the submarine.

 

“Appa, look at what else I built today. It’s a submarine, with two seats, one in front for one of the diver guys and one in back for the other diver guy, but there’s three diver guys, so one of them-”

 

“Sirius.” Appa’s tone is harsh. Sirius falls silent as Appa sets down his book, looking at Sirius crossly. “Why are you never silent? If you are going to be so loud, go to your room.”

 

Sirius does not want to go to his room. He likes sitting here in the living room, where he can look out the sliding glass doors to the back patio. He sees bunnies in the yard sometimes. He does not talk as he continues to put together the habitat.

 

“Why have you left your sweatshirt on the floor? Pick it up and put it away before you continue playing.”

 

Sirius looks up at Appa in confusion. Appa is pointing to a blue sweatshirt by the patio door. “That’s not mine, Appa. That’s Vinay’s.”

 

“Vinay? Who is Vinay?”

 

Sirius shrugs. “A boy in Reg’s class. He came over to play in the backyard with us, but Reg got a bump on his head and went inside, so Vinay only played with me.”

 

Appa has picked up his book once again, flipping through the pages. “That’s nice, Sirius. What did you two play?”

 

“Kissing.”

 

There is a loud thump as Appa’s book falls to the ground heavily. 

 

“What did you say?” Appa’s voice is quiet. Sirius bites his lower lip. He knows what the quiet voice means. Still, Appa’s eyes are fixed intently on Sirius. He is listening to Sirius. He is waiting to hear what Sirius has to say.

 

Sirius raises his head defiantly. “Kissing. We played kissing. Vinay wanted to see what it felt like, so we did it. It was okay, I guess, but I don’t get why-”

 

Sirius gasps as a heavy weight hits the middle of his chest. He topples backwards as the wind is knocked from his lungs. His head feels funny as he looks up at Appa, who is standing over him wearing his angry face.

 

Only it’s scarier that his regular angry face. This must be the super angry face. Sirius does not think he has ever seen Appa look so mad.

 

“Boys do not do that. Not  _ my _ boys. Who was- Vinay, you said? Vinay who?

 

Sirius wheezes as he chokes out an answer. “Vinay- Vinay Kumar.”

 

“ _ Kumar?  _ Of course it would be Kumar’s kid who- do you know what he’ll say to me if he catches wind of this?” Appa is looming over Sirius. Sirius feels dizzy.

 

“Do you hear me, Sirius? You are not to tell  _ anyone _ what happened. You are  _ never _ to do anything like this again. Just because we live amongst these degenerate faggots does not mean that we will lower ourselves to their level, do you hear me?  _ Do _ you? Answer me when I am talking to you.”

 

Sirius still feels dizzy, but he is able to get to his feet, looking up at his Appa, not allowing himself to cry like a baby. He had not wanted to play kissing again, but now that Appa has told him not to, he changes his mind. “I’ll do it again if I want. I’ll play kissing with anyone I want, and you can’t stop me!”

 

Appa moves fast, gripping Sirius by his upper arm. His fingers are digging in under the shoulder blade. It hurts really bad. Sirius knows that if he cries out, Appa will let go so that Reg will not hear.

 

Sirius does not cry out.

 

Appa is glaring now. His voice is nearly a whisper. “You will do as I say. I don’t care what sort of disgusting perversions they get up to at the Kumar’s house. In this house, there will be no kissing.”

 

Sirius grits his teeth, trying to ignore the pain. “Vinay says that we can kiss anyone we want. He says he’s got two uncles that kiss, and no one thinks they’re weird.”

 

Appa chuckles at this. “People lie, Sirius. People pretend to be fine with such things, but behind closed doors, they find it vile. You should not believe them. People might say that they will accept this sort of thing, but they are lying. They will always think less of you. Do you understand?”

 

Sirius nods. He does know this. People lie. People who are supposed to love you sometimes decide not to love you anymore. People who are supposed to protect you sometimes let you get hurt. Sometimes they are the ones to hurt you.

 

“Orion. Let the boy go. I have guests coming over for dinner.” Amma is standing in the doorway. She does not look at Sirius. “Have him take his toys up to his room, and make him stay there for the remainder of the evening.”

 

Amma walks out of the room. Sirius is not fooled. He knows that she will punish him later, when she has more time.

 

Appa drops Sirius arm. Sirius bites his lower lip to stop from screaming. His shoulder hurts so bad.

 

“You heard your Amma. Pick up your things and go to your room.” Appa grabs Sirius by the chin, holding his head in place so that Sirius has to look right at his face. “Do not say a word of this to your brother. Do you understand?”

 

Sirius nods. He knows not to tell Reg about these things. One time he had showed Reg a particularly bad mark on his back from Appa’s belt. Amma had promised Sirius that he would be sorry for doing that. By the end of the day, Sirius had been  _ very _ sorry.

 

Sirius knows his Appa and Amma should not hurt him. If it was okay for them to hurt him, they would do it in front of Reg, but they don’t. So Sirius does not feel too bad when he defies them.

 

Sirius puts all his Lego pieces back into the box. Appa has smushed the submarine with his foot. He trudges up the stairs to his room. As he passes Reg’s room, he hears a small voice call out to him.

 

“I heard Appa yelling. If you were good, he wouldn’t have to yell.”

 

Sirius looks at Reg, who is lying on his tummy on the floor, coloring. Reg looks back at him calmly.

 

Sirius scowls. Reg is such a baby. “You don’t know  _ anything, _ Reg. Stay out of my room tonight.”

 

Sirius runs to his room, slamming the door shut. He walks over to the waste basket by his desk and drops the Lego box inside. He goes and lies down on his bed, pulling the covers over his head, hugging his stuffed moose tightly.

 

Only when he is alone in the dark does Sirius feel safe enough to cry.

  
  


**_**PRESENT DAY**_ **

 

**_Sunday, April 20 2014, 10:42pm_ **

 

“Um, Pads? You got a second?” Peter’s voice is cagey as he asks the question.

 

Sirius does not have a second. He is extremely preoccupied at the moment, watching as Remus chats with Dorcas, laughs at Marlene’s jokes, apologizes when he steps on Benjy Fenwick’s foot. Remus has not made eye contact with Sirius since he re-entered the backyard. 

 

Sirius is starting to get nervous. Remus using avoidance as a coping mechanism isn’t out of the ordinary, but Remus has never specifically avoided  _ Sirius _ before. Not like this.

 

Nevertheless, he turns towards Peter, not saying a word as he presses his lips together tightly.

 

Peter hesitates before continuing. “Um, the thing is, your brother-”

 

“Are you talking about Prongs? Because he’s the only brother I have.” Sirius knows he’s being a snippy asshole, but he can’t stop himself.

 

Peter rolls his eyes briefly. “Fine then. Regulus Black, our guest, is on the roof and won’t come down. You invited him in, you have to deal with him.”

 

Sirius is about to protest when he hears a familiar voice screaming from the roof, “I’VE GOT TWENTY FIVE LIGHTERS ON MY DRESSER, YESSIR, PUT FIRE TO THAT ASS, BODY CAST ON A STRETCHER.”

 

Sirius growls to himself as he heads towards the ladder leaning against the side of the house, annoyed at both having to deal with Regulus’ antics as well as the butchering he’s doing to Kendrick Lamar’s rhymes. “I’ll fucking take care of it. Who let him on the roof in the first place? The fuck’s he on?”

 

Peter bites his lower lip nervously. “About that… he might have had a few of the laced joints.”

 

Sirius turns sharply on his heel, fucking up the grass under his foot. “You gave him laced joints? The fuck is wrong with you, Wormtail?!”

 

Peter cringes, rubbing the back of his neck as he avoids Sirius’ gaze. “Look man, it’s not like I tricked him or anything. He came up to me, said he preferred joints to bong hits, asked if we had any. I told him all I had rolled already were the laced ones, and he said that was fine. Better than fine, he said. He’s your- I’m not a fucking babysiter, Pads. People make their own choices. Don’t start with me.”

 

Peter is trying to look defiant, but Sirius can tell he’s wary of Sirius’ reaction. Sirius sighs, rubbing his temples with his fingertips. It’s not Peter’s fault that Sirius is related to a bunch of assholes with poor impulse control.

 

“I’ll take care of it. Just don’t fuck with the ladder, you hear me? I am  _ not _ in the fucking mood.” Sirius storms over to the ladder, climbing it quickly, pulling himself onto the roof just in time to see Regulus teetering near the gutter, swaying slightly, arms raised in the air, middle fingers flipped up.

 

“I PRAY MY DICK GET BIG AS THE EIFFEL TOWER, SO I CAN  _ FUCK THE WORLD _ FOR SEVENTY TWO HOUR.”

 

“Fuck’s sake, Reg, shut up and sit down before you kill yourself, or before I push you off the damn roof myself.” Sirius is trying to sound angry, even as he inhales sharply when Regulus stumbles on the edge of the roof. He grabs Regulus by the shoulders, pulling him down to sit, legs dangling over the gutter. 

 

Sirius sits himself next to him, saying nothing as they stare out at the street below, which is strangely empty and silent in comparison to the chaos happening behind them. He pulls out another cigarette and lights it, taking a deep drag.

 

“You going to tell me why you’re lit up on the roof like a fucking jackass?” Sirius doesn’t glance over at Regulus as he picks at the hole in the knee of his jeans.

 

“You going to tell me why you’re so fucking pissed at me?” Regulus reaches over to boop Sirius on the nose.

 

“I’m pissed because you’re forcing  _ me _ to act like the fucking responsible one for once.” Sirius smacks Regulus’ hand away roughly.

 

“That’s not what I mean.” Regulus is resting a hand on Sirius’ shoulder, staring at him intently with dilated pupils. “Although I guess I know why. Fuck, Sirius. It’s all so- everything was so fucked up. It still is. And what’s going to change?  Nothing, that’s what. Fuck, man.” Regulus is shaking his head a bit wildly, dragging his hands through his hair.

 

Sirius tilts his head slightly as he looks at Regulus. “Um… Reg? The fuck’s wrong with you?”

 

Regulus doesn’t respond for quite awhile as he continues to stare at the front lawn intently. At long last, he heaves a great sigh, rubbing his hands over his face awkwardly.

 

“I’m not engaged anymore.” The words hang heavy in the air as Sirius struggles to remember that Regulus told him he was engaged at all.

 

“So… is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Sirius doesn’t give a shit, really, he  _ doesn’t, _ but it’s only polite to ask, of course.

 

Regulus lets out a short burst of laughter. “Depends on who you ask, I assume. Her boyfriend’s probably pretty happy about it.”

 

Sirius breaks into a coughing fit, nearly dropping his cigarette and singeing his crotch. Regulus snags the cigarette from his hand and takes an inexperienced inhale, coughing as the smoke leaves his lungs.

 

“Fuck Reg… what the fuck happened? She ditch you for some other loser? A richer, snobbier one, maybe? I didn’t think anyone could beat our family in either of those areas.” Sirius grabs the cigarette back from Regulus, letting it dangle between his lips as he plays with his lighter.

 

“No, she didn’t. I’m the one who left. I’m the loser.” Regulus begins to pick at one of the roof shingles as he talks. “She’s had this guy at Oxford for awhile, I guess. Can’t be with him, though. He’s a scholarship student. Not up to the correct  _ standards, _ whatever they are.” 

 

Regulus sighs, squinting as he watches a couple of teens shove each other as they walk past the house. Regulus whistles and waves at them exaggeratedly as they speed up their pace to get the hell away. Sirius doesn’t blame them.

 

“She was in town this week. I saw the texts. She loves him. He loves her. Fuck,  _ I _ loved her. I thought she felt- but she doesn’t, and- fuck. She still wants to make it work. How fucked up is that?” Regulus leans his head forward into his hands, and Sirius has to grip his arm tightly so he doesn’t fall of the roof into the shrubbery below.

 

Sirius is unsure of what to say. This is so fucking awkward. Seven years of not speaking, and now Reg is emotionally vomiting all over him. “Well, you know… maybe it could work? You said you guys got along. Maybe you could build a life together for appearances and still do the whole side relationship thing.”

 

Regulus looks up and gives Sirius a look of condescension that would rival their mother’s. “This isn’t Santa Cruz, Sirius. That shit would never fly, not with our families. And even if it did, it’s not what I want, not with her. She doesn’t feel the same way I do. It’s not like we’re on equal footing. Plus she  _ lied _ to me. She was never going to tell me about- about him. You can’t have an open relationship without trust. You can’t have  _ any _ relationship without trust. Not like I’d fucking know anything about it. What have I got to base things on, our parents? They’re- I can’t believe them, you know?”

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, what did they do now? They aren’t giving you trouble for breaking it off with a fucking cheater, are they?” Sirius is agitated before Regulus even responds, knowing that no matter what happened, his shitty parents are one hundred percent in the wrong.

 

“They don’t know what happened, they only know that we broke it off. They want me to reconsider.” Regulus reaches for the cigarette again, but Sirius stubs it out on the shingles, flicking the butt down onto the front steps below.

 

“You didn’t tell them what happened? Why the fuck not? They can’t possibly want that sort of shady ass person for a daughter-in-law.”

 

Regulus blinks rapidly, tapping out a cadence on the edge of the roof. “She’s still my  _ friend,  _ Sirius. Or maybe she’s not, but I still  _ care _ about her. I can’t let them drag her through the mud, and you  _ know _ they will, they’ll tell everyone what a  _ slut _ she is, how fortunate it was that their son avoided making such a  _ critical _ mistake, how none of this was  _ their _ fault at all, and- what’s the point, Sirius? What’s the fucking point of any of this?”

 

Regulus spreads his arms out in front of him, making a wide, sweeping motion. Sirius debates whether or not he should let Regulus fall off the roof. He’s not in the mood for this existential crisis shit. He’s got problems that are closer to home.

 

“There’s no point to any of this, Reg, but I’m not in the mood to contemplate the meaning of life with you right now. You’re too fucked up, and I’m too sober.”

 

Regulus rests a hand on Sirius shoulder, leaning in closer towards him, eyes burning intensely. “I am  _ not _ fucked up. I am one thousand and thirteen percent coherent right at this very moment. And I’m not talking about life. I’m talking about- this. It’s fucked up that she has to hide who she is and who she wants. Just like you had to hide who you are and what you want.”

 

Sirius feels his face flush. “I’m not- this isn’t about me-”

 

Regulus waves his hands dismissively as he rambles on. “And what the fuck do they want me to do? Get married, raise a family with someone who doesn’t want me the way I want them? What if our kids end up in the same situation? I’m supposed to force them down this same path and watch them be miserable? What if they’re gay, like you? That shit’s genetic, you know.”

 

Sirius punches Regulus on the arm, harder than necessary. “Shut the fuck up about it Reg, I’m- you don’t even know-”

 

“Oh please, Sirius. Maybe we were wrong about you and James boning, but you’re totally gay. If you want to deny it, that’s fine, but let’s be real right now, okay?"  Regulus’ eyes widen suddenly as he turns to Sirius, grabbing his shoulders tightly, looking panicked. “Shit, Sirius. You had to get it from somewhere. What if dad’s been gay this whole time and he’s been denying it, just like you? Holy shit Sirius, our dad is gay. I can’t fucking believe it.”

 

Sirius can’t help but burst into laughter. “Shut the fuck up, Reg. He’s not- I don’t want to know whether he is or isn’t. I’m not thinking about that right now, at all.” He shakes his head as he pulls his phone from his pocket, shooting off a text. 

 

“Look, I just asked Peter to bring us up some water, and we’re going to sit here and get some fresh air until you come down, or at least until you’re sober enough for me to stuff into a fucking Uber.”

 

Regulus nods, dropping his hands to his lap, picking at his cuticles. “Sirius… you said- the last time we met, at the hockey game- you said if anything changed- that if I changed my mind, we could, you know, talk and stuff.”

 

Sirius looks over at Regulus, who is not looking up from his hands. Sirius isn’t sure what to think. He and Reg haven’t been brothers in a long time. Sirius swore when he left his parents’ house that he was finished with those soul-sucking assholes forever. He’s not really feeling the thought of getting involved in more Black family drama.

 

Still, as he watches Regulus chew on his lower lip nervously, he groans inwardly to himself. If Reg wants out, Sirius would have to be the worst sort of hypocrite to tell him to fuck off.

 

“We can talk later, Reg. For now, shut the fuck up and enjoy the view.” Sirius leans back, propping himself up on his elbows so that he can look up at the night sky, even though he can’t see the stars for shit. Regulus follows suit, lying flat on his back, his legs still dangling off the edge of the roof.

 

Sirius hears someone clamoring up the ladder. He hopes that it will be Remus whose head pops up over the edge of the gutter, but knows it will most likely be Peter with the water bottles. He scowls to himself. Four twenty comes but once a year, and this year’s celebration is completely ruined. He briefly contemplates how he could possibly pin this evening's failings on James, but decides that, clearly, Lily is to blame, for choosing to visit her shitty sister and brother-in-law rather than coming to the party and saving Sirius from himself.

 

Enough is enough. Sirius is not going to let Remus pull away. He’s been Remus’ best friend for five years, and nothing’s going to change that. Even if things don’t work out the way Sirius would like them to, he’s not willing to sacrifice their friendship. Not for anything.

 

Sirius hears Peter swear as he drops one of the water bottles on his foot. He closes his eyes praying that Lily will be more help than James and Peter have been so far, and since that’s really not asking for much, he allows himself to hope, just a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dudes, I don’t know what to tell you. I promise fluff and I give you this instead. Hopefully Regulus singing about dicks made up for the angst, at least partly.
> 
> Next week, Lily will be back (thankfully), karaoke will be performed (poorly), and Sirius will get some clarity (finally).
> 
> I’ve also made a Spotify playlist with all the songs featured, in case anyone is interested. I’ll be adding to it each week.   
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated, either here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo).


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junk and Jermaine Stewart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mild sexual content in the flashback. If you’d like to skip it, then bypass the bedroom and head straight for the bathroom to wait for Sirius. You won’t need to wait long.
> 
> Thanks to Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and Reachthetree for their help on this chapter! <3

**_***FLASHBACK, 3 YEARS PRIOR***_ **

 

**_Friday, March 5, 2011, 10.07pm_ **

 

“Hey, you’re on the rugby team, right?”

 

Sirius blinks, turning his head slightly to see what sort of person has the nerve to talk to him while he’s got hardcore “stay the fuck away from me” vibes rolling off of him. He is lurking in the darkest corner of Benjy Fenwick’s backyard, draining the world’s largest vodka tonic out of a red Solo cup, leaning against the fence, scrolling through his phone, avoiding eye contact with anyone who crosses his path, one of Remus’ beanies pulled down low over his forehead.

 

There’s a girl standing next to him, uncomfortably close, wearing teal skinny jeans and a black tshirt, with blonde hair falling over her shoulders and a confident grin plastered on her face. She’s short, Sirius thinks. If Remus were here, she’d probably only come up to his chin.

 

But Remus is not here. Remus is with  _ Janae, _ most likely listening to her grating laugh as they exchange humorous literary references over artisan tacos or some shit.

 

Sirius glances down at the rugby jersey he’s wearing before looking back up at the girl. “No, I’m not on the rugby team. I just rob their laundry every so often.”

 

The girl is laughing as she rests a hand on his arm, giving it a light squeeze, and Sirius inwardly curses as, too late, he realizes his mistake. Apparently, he has learned, when one is mingling at a college party, one is not allowed to make a single fucking joke without it being taken as a sign of intent to bone everyone within a five-person radius.

 

Sirius often finds himself in these sorts of situations, although he still hasn’t figured out a foolproof way of escaping them. He has tried being direct, telling people that he is not interested before they get too aggressive. The marauders tell him that this is jumping the gun, even if the person is attempting to crawl into his lap when he says it, and half the time his refusal is taken as a challenge to change his mind. He has also tried insulting them. Unfortunately, through the haze of alcohol and socializing, this is somehow viewed as edgy banter. This is the case even if Sirius tells them their breath is rank, or their subject of study is only beneficial if their career goals are to become permanent fixtures in the unemployment line.

 

When Remus is around, all Sirius has to do is flash him his desperate puppy-dog eyes, and Remus will swoop in and save him, steering the conversation in a different direction or dragging Sirius away for an important sidebar elsewhere. 

 

Remus always has his back, unlike that useless asshole Peter, who wouldn’t recognize a plea for help if someone tattooed it on his forehead, or that sadistic shithead James, who is content to sit back and laugh at Sirius’ misery. Sirius is glad that those two abandoned him for a game of beer pong in the garage earlier in the evening.

 

“I’ve been watching you, out here all alone.” The girl is pressing herself closer to Sirius, trapping him against the fence, one hand still squeezing his arm. Sirius grits his teeth. He hates it when the people who come after him are small. There’s no way for him to gracefully extract himself from her grasp without running the risk of accidentally shoving or tripping her. He bites back the snarky comments that rise to his throat, knowing that they will most likely be mistaken as a witty response rather than a brush-off.

 

“You know, I don’t usually go for Indian guys, but you’re  _ really  _ cute.” She smiles up at him coyly, as if Sirius is supposed to be fucking ecstatic that some basic white chick has deemed him attractive enough to throw her racist ideals to the wind for twelve passionate minutes of sticky disappointment under the busted fluorescent light in Fenwick’s spare bathroom.

 

Sirius has had enough. He doesn’t say a word as he taps her hand with short, fast pokes until she drops her grip on his arm. As soon as he’s free, he slips sideways and walks away, quickly and silently, gripping his drink so as not to spill, not stopping until he’s across the backyard, through the gate, past the shrubbery to the sidewalk in front of the house. He takes a seat on the curb, setting his drink down haphazardly, pulling out a baggie from his back pocket and extracting a joint, lighting it and inhaling gratefully as he stares at an empty Sprite bottle lying in the gutter.

 

“You feel like sharing?” Sirius looks up to see a semi-familiar face. Sandy hair, pale skin, nice smile, slightly crooked teeth… Fenwick’s cousin, he thinks. He’s pretty sure. Not that it matters. He’s not in a great mood, definitely not the sort of mood where he wants to share his shit, but he also doesn’t want to piss off Fenwick and make practice awkward.

 

“Go for it.” Sirius holds out the joint to the guy, who brushes against his fingers as he grabs it, taking a hit and sitting on the curb next to Sirius. Sirius picks up his cup and chugs down the rest of his drink in one gulp, waiting for the buzz he’s feeling to morph into something heavier.

 

“You’re on the team, right? With Benjy?” The guy is looking over at Sirius questioningly.

 

“Yeah, I am. You’re his cousin, right?” Sirius congratulates himself on being fucking polite for once. Remus would be proud of him, if he were here. 

 

“Yeah, just in town for the weekend. I’m based up in Davis.”

 

Sirius murmurs an affirmative response as he takes back the joint, closing his eyes as he inhales, feeling the weed and the vodka finally coming together to do their thing, giving him that nice, relaxed, giddy feeling that makes him forget about anything other than that fucking Sprite bottle, just lying there in the gutter. Why is it there? Who put it there? Was it discarded, or did it choose to roll out of some open car door to freedom? Where will it go next? Will it be able to continue rolling down El Camino, towards adventure and the unknown, or, more likely, will some well-meaning person drop it into the recycling bin, dooming it to continuously repeat its futile existence?

 

Sirius laughs out loud sharply, suddenly. “Fuck, man. I don’t even like Sprite.”

 

The guy looks over at Sirius incredulously before breaking into peals of laughter, causing Sirius to laugh even harder, because what the fuck, man? What are they even  _ doing  _ out here? Sirius isn’t even sure of this guy’s name, can’t recall if he mentioned it or not while Sirius was busy dealing with that Sprite bottle, but it doesn’t matter, not on a night like this.

 

Sirius jumps slightly as he feels a hand resting over his own, pressing it down slightly against the scratchy curb. He turns towards the guy, letting out a gasp of surprise as a soft pair of lips crash against his own. He pulls away without thinking, trying to focus his gaze on the flushing guy sitting next to him.

 

The guy rubs his neck awkwardly. “Shit, man, I’m sorry. I’ve seen you around, you know, tonight, and at practice earlier, and I thought… you know.” He tilts his head to the side, biting his lower lip nervously, looking wary, as if he’s not sure if Sirius is going to deck him or not.

 

Sirius wishes that Remus were here. If Remus were here, he would be sitting next to Sirius, hogging the joint, making Sirius laugh at that ridiculous blond girl’s shitty attitude, suggesting that they head down to the Circle K to get giant fountain sodas and Swedish Fish. Remus would know exactly what was in store for that fucking Sprite bottle. Remus always knows these sorts of things.

 

But Remus isn’t here. He isn’t here, and Sirius  _ is _ here, and this guy is here, and the kiss wasn’t too bad, all things considered, and the guy’s not bad looking, either, and he’s Fenwick’s cousin so he’s probably not a creeper, and Sirius just feels so  _ good  _ right now, relaxed, loose, chill, very chill.

 

Maybe this could work. Maybe this time it could work the way it’s supposed to.

 

Sirius flashes his most charming grin, enjoying the way he’s making this guy blush and fidget. Sirius might not know what it is to want someone, not in same way as others seem to, but he knows what it is to be wanted, and tonight, at least, being wanted is something tangible, something reassuring, something fucking  _ normal. _

 

“You staying in Benjy’s housemate’s room while he’s away? The room with those fucking heinous maroon curtains?”

 

The guy laughs, nodding. “Yeah, I am.”

 

“Why don’t you head inside then, and I’ll meet you there in ten minutes? I don’t want people knowing my business, and trust me, if you knew my friends, you wouldn’t question it.”

 

The guy raises an eyebrow. “You’re housemates with Potter, aren’t you? I saw him at practice. He’s an... intense dude.” The guy reaches out to squeeze Sirius’ shoulder. “I’ll see you inside, man. Don’t make me wait too long.” He smirks as he stands up, striding towards the house with noticeably more confidence than five minutes earlier.

 

Sirius sighs, finishing off the joint and getting to his feet, running a hand through his hair before making his way back to the house, weaving silently through the throngs of people towards the back bedroom, attempting to blend in with the walls in case Peter and James have emerged from the garage to torment him.

 

Sirius is barely through the bedroom door before the guy has him pressed against the wall, kissing Sirius fiercely, thrusting his tongue into Sirius’ mouth, rubbing his dick against Sirius, and Sirius is grateful that he’s got enough of a buzz going that he’s able to let it happen without thinking too hard about whether or not he’s into it.

 

He tries his best to respond in kind, grabbing the guy’s hips and pressing them against his own, trying to block out everything else and just focus on enjoying the friction for a moment before returning the kiss, attempting to work out some sort of rhythm, but it’s just- it won’t- 

 

Sirius isn’t sure what the problem is, exactly. Maybe it’s the way their mouths don’t seem to be fitting together quite right. Maybe it’s the way the guy’s breath feels uncomfortably hot and sticky as he moves to suck on Sirius’ neck. Maybe it’s the way the guy’s gripping Sirius’ hip a little too low, or maybe it’s a little too high, Sirius isn’t quite sure  _ how  _ it’s wrong, all that he knows is that it is  _ definitely  _ wrong.

 

Sirius squirms as the guy moves to slobber lower down his neck. The guy looks up at him, grinning. “Not into foreplay, eh? No worries. We can get right down to business.” He grabs Sirius’ dick through his jeans, and shit, of course Sirius is fucking hard, with all the grinding and thrusting, but he’s not- he’s not  _ into  _ it, not really, not like this guy is, all breathless and sweaty like he’s about to fucking combust or something just from a few minutes of a mediocre makeout session, whereas Sirius is thinking about how much nicer this would be if he was home in his own bed, jacking off in peace, without having to deal with some other person distracting him.

 

Sirius isn’t sure what his fucking problem is. It was easier to figure things out with girls. It had only taken one round of Seven Minutes in Heaven in ninth grade for Sirius to know that he was not interested in girls at all. Boys, on the other hand… 

 

None of this makes any fucking sense, because if he isn’t into girls, then logically he should be into boys, but Sirius isn’t so sure that’s the case. Hooking up with girls just feels plain wrong. Hooking up with boys, on the other hand, feels… not  _ wrong, _ exactly, not in the same way as it does with girls, it just feels… hella uncomfortable.

 

Sirius shakes himself out of his own thoughts as a hand shoves its way down his pants, fumbling with the fly of his boxers. The guy’s got Sirius’ dick in his hand, pumping away at a cadence that’s not  _ right, _ or maybe it’s the angle that’s off, but whatever the problem is, Sirius realizes that there’s no way tonight is going to be one of the times where he’s able to pretend like he’s fucking swooning. He shifts his body weight suddenly, knocking into the guy as he twists his hand at an odd angle over the head of Sirius’ dick and it’s so fucking awkward that Sirius can’t stand it for another second.

 

“ _ Dude! _ Stop wailing on my junk!”

 

The guy stops immediately, to his credit, looking up at Sirius in confusion. He drops his grip on Sirius’ dick, letting his hands dangle stiffly at his sides, as if he’s not sure what to do with them.

 

Sirius laughs nervously. “Um… not a fan of the  _ Venture Bros., _ I see? The cartoon? That was a reference, I guess. It’s a pretty good show. Some problematic elements, of course, but, uh… you know… the media these days…”

 

The guy is looking at Sirius like he’s the most worthless, pathetic mess of a person that he’s ever seen, which is most likely true, Sirius presumes.

 

Sirius zips himself back up and slips out the bedroom door, hurrying to the back bathroom off Benjy’s room and locking the door behind him. His breathing is shaky as he slides down the door to sit on the cold tile floor, drawing up his knees and resting his elbows on them, dropping his head to his hands. He’s starting to feel dizzy as he struggles to regain his composure.

 

_ What the fuck is wrong with me?  _ Sirius asks himself that question a lot, but he’s not sure anymore if he wants to know the answer.

 

Sirius isn’t sure why he’s so fucking weird about sex stuff. Then again, he isn’t sure why everyone else makes such a big deal about sex in general. Personally, he’d much rather stay home and jack off by himself rather than try and teach someone new how to do it, with below par results. Although his experience is limited, he’s never had an encounter that’s left him feeling more satisfied than he was beforehand. He had assumed that as he got older, he’d get more excited about it, but so far the opposite is proving to be true. 

 

Sirius is starting to get nervous. There has to be something wrong with him. His fucking family was right all along.

 

Glowering, Sirius reaches over and starts unrolling all the toilet paper from the roll, tossing it into a fluffy pile in the middle of the room. He thinks about texting Remus, but decides against it. Remus is probably still out on his date. Or back at the house, hooking up, probably not hollering out obscure cartoon references.

 

No, he will not call Remus. Instead, he will carefully squeeze Benjy’s pimple cream into his toothpaste tube.

 

 

**_***PRESENT DAY***_ **

 

**_Friday, May 2, 2014, 2.13pm_ **

 

“What sort of assholes store five sizes of shirts all mixed together?” Sirius wrestles his hair into a messy knot as he scowls down at the endless array of cardboard boxes overflowing with black tshirts stamped with Godric Media’s logo.

 

“What sort of assholes empty a bunch of shirts into the dumbwaiter to use the boxes for a prank and then stuff the shirts back into the boxes without checking the sizes?” Marlene is sitting cross-legged on the floor of the upstairs storage room, swiftly sorting shirts into piles, flinging the smalls over by the door and the larges under the open window where Remus is standing, leaning out over the ledge, waving his hand at the cloud of smoke he’s blowing out into the alley.

 

“The sort of assholes who apologize profusely for their accidental fuck-up and then agree to not only correct their mistake, but also assist the lovely and talented marketing ladies in their thankless work packing up enough branded swag for three hundred overprivileged douchebags.” James is painstakingly counting out branded pens, ten at a time, securing each bundle with a rubber band. “Although I don’t see why Moony gets a free pass.”

 

“I wasn’t involved in the box debacle.  _ My _ part of the plan was on point. Like always.” Remus doesn’t turn around as a pen hits his ass, but Sirius can tell that he’s smirking.

 

“Watch it, Potter, leave Rem alone! He’s a sweet baby angel who is too pure to be tainted by your jackassery.” Dorcas ignores James’ exaggerated disbelieving laughter as she stops to give Remus a messy kiss on the cheek before making her way to a box in the corner, groaning as she peeks inside. “Fuck! The engineers have been stealing the notebooks again. I’m sending Flitwick a bill for reimbursement, I swear.”

 

“Simmer down, babe. That’s why we’re boxing up shit for the iMedia conference now, so no one will snatch it up before we have to ship it.” Marlene is updating the inventory list on her laptop. Sirius scowls as he realizes that he hasn’t seen her lift a finger yet, either.

 

James reaches over to turn up the volume on the mobile speakers as Vance Joy’s ukulele breaks into the first chords of  _ Riptide. _ Remus sighs as he exhales another cloud of smoke.

 

“Can’t we skip this song, Prongs? You’ve been playing it nonstop for a month.”

 

James looks over at Remus indignantly. “You know the rules, Moony. No fucking with the Truce playlist outside of scheduled discussion times. Besides, you ought to love this song, you snob. It’s not even on the charts yet in the U.S., so when it hits big, we’ll be able to say we liked it before it was cool.”

 

Remus’ laugh turns into a cough as he pounds himself on the chest. “You poser. It’s not like you discovered some underground band in a dive bar. You heard this song on an episode of  _ Hawaii Five-O _ last month.”

 

“Save those concerns for the next meeting, Moony. For now, the Truce playlist remains as-is.” James flings a rubber band at the back of Remus’ head, pumping his fist silently when it snarls itself in Remus’ curls.

 

Sirius has been sitting in front of the same pile of shirts for the past twenty minutes, but no one’s said anything, so he doesn’t give a shit. He turns to stare at Remus, letting the music lull him into a wistful sulk as he pulls at a loose thread on one of the shirts.

 

It’s been nearly two weeks since four twenty. Two weeks of Remus smiling cheerfully at Sirius on his way out of the bathroom in the mornings. Two weeks of Remus thanking Sirius politely for sharing his french fries at lunch. Two weeks of Remus laughing along with James and Peter at Sirius’ sarcastic quips.

 

Two weeks of Sirius feeling lonelier than he’s felt in a long time.

 

Remus is driving Sirius up the fucking wall. He’s acting as if things aren’t different, as if he hasn’t been pulling away, and he’s doing it so painstakingly that if Sirius tries to point it out, then  _ he’s _ the one who looks like the fucking drama queen. 

 

When he’d asked Remus last week if he needed help giving himself his second-ever shot of Humira medication, Remus had looked surprised, assuring Sirius that he was perfectly capable of handling his own medication. He had brushed off Sirius’ worries, which had only made Sirius grow more and more irritable. 

 

Finally he’d snapped and been forced to shout that Remus shouldn't be so surprised about Sirius’ concerns, seeing as he had fainted dead away like a fucking Victorian era aristocrat the last time he’d injected himself. Of course, after that, it had been  _ Sirius _ who was seen as the asshole. It was  _ Sirius _ who got asked to leave immediately by the manager of the In-N-Out burger joint. It was  _ Sirius _ who received the silent treatment from all three marauders on the train ride home. Meanwhile,  _ Remus _ remains the fucking blameless one, as always.

 

Sirius narrows his eyes as he stares intently at the back of Remus’ head, but hisses suddenly as a sharp pain blooms on his temple. There’s a rubber band resting in his lap. James is shaking his head at him from across the room. Sirius flips him off before getting to his feet and walking over to the window.

 

Remus looks over at him as he approaches, smiling gently as he hands over the vape pen. Neither of them say anything as Sirius takes the pen from Remus with one hand, using the other to brush the rubber band out of Remus’ hair.

 

Remus’ eyes widen as he runs a hand through the back of his curls, looking down at the rubber band on the floor, chuckling and shaking his head. “Good looks, man.” 

 

Sirius returns the grin, but before he can say anything else, Remus is heading over to Dorcas, assisting her with wrangling the notebooks. Ignoring the pitying looks from James and Marlene, Sirius turns around, sticks his head out the window and inhales deeply, hoping that either he’ll be feeling the high soon, before he fucks up yet again, or he’ll fall out the fucking window into the dumpster below.

 

“Figures that you all would be up here, hiding out on a Friday.” Sirius turns around to see Lily entering the room, looking at each person and smiling, making Sirius want to gag when she and James hold their eye contact for longer than necessary. When she gets to Sirius, he glowers at her, causing her to roll her eyes and snicker. Sirius isn’t sure what she thinks is so funny. She’s the one who’s been travelling with Minerva on and off for the past two weeks, leaving Sirius to deal with this shit all by himself.

 

“What the fuck are you doing up here then, little miss model employee?” Sirius’ tone is harsh, but Lily only grins at him, coming over and plucking the pen from between his fingers.

 

“I’m hiding out on a Friday.” She winks at him, taking a hit before passing the pen back and sitting down next to James- closer than necessary, Sirius thinks- grabbing a handful of pens and beginning to count. 

 

“I guess you need a break, huh? I heard a rumor, you know. Sounds like you’re going to be pretty busy over the next year.” Dorcas is wriggling her eyebrows as she tosses notebooks to Remus. 

 

Lily sighs deeply, handing a bundle of pens to James, who looks as if he’s been handed a stack of free iPhones. “I’m always busy. You’ll have to be more specific.”

 

Dorcas is smirking as she taps one of the notebooks against the wall. “I heard we may be gearing up to go public soon. Maybe a summer 2015 IPO?”

 

Lily lets out a snort of laughter. “If we are, I’d be the last to know. No one tells me shit until the last possible minute.”

 

Lily is a good liar, Sirius thinks, because he would totally be buying her act if he didn’t know for a fact that not a damn thing happens in this office without Lily knowing about it. He’s also noticing that her shoulders are tensed slightly, which is something he’s never seen her do before.

 

“Speaking of which, GoPro’s IPO is this summer. Can you believe it? Pads, if we’d gotten our shit together, we could’ve come up with an idea like that and made millions.” James’ eyes are bright with an annoying amount of excitement that makes Sirius instantly irritable.

 

“Prongs, we could never come up with an idea as good as GoPro, and I say this knowing full well that a GoPro is essentially a fucking camera duct taped to a hat.” Sirius is not in the mood for the entrepreneurial ramblings of James “Dream The Impossible Dream” Potter.

 

James is undeterred by Sirius’ lack of enthusiasm. “No, really, Pads, we’ve come up with some pretty good business ideas. We could-”

 

“We’re shitfaced when we come up with business ideas. In the light of day, when we’re slightly less shitfaced, we realize that they are in fact terrible.”

 

“Oh come on, Pads. If we took the time to give a shit, we’d be able to come up with a thousand great ideas. We’d be able to get the funding for at least one of them. We’d definitely be able to-”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Prongs.” Sirius is being pushed beyond his breaking point. “We’re not going to do anything, okay? We’re not going to- just live in the now, alright? Fuck’s sake.”

 

“You can’t live in the now forever Pads.” Remus’ voice is quiet, but firm, making Sirius’ stomach clench uncomfortably. “You and Prongs aren’t going to be doing customer service for the rest of your lives. You’re too smart for that. Eventually, you’re going to have to move on to the bigger and better things.”

 

Remus is keeping his gaze focused intently on the precarious stack of notebooks in front of him, refusing to look at Sirius. Sirius is balling his hands into tight fists. What gives Remus the fucking right to tell Sirius to move on when he himself is dodging grad school applications like they’re contaminated with bird flu? 

 

He’s about to say exactly that when Marlene’s voice pipes up from beneath a pile of tshirts, courtesy of Dorcas dumping a boxful on her head. “Who’s in for karaoke tonight? Peter texted me, he says the Redwood City joint is open again. Cleared its health inspection this time. Oh,  _ sweet, _ he says it’s 80s theme tonight!”

 

“We’re in! I haven’t been to karaoke in forever.” James is grinning excitedly as Remus laughs at him.

 

“We did karaoke last week, Prongs. Although you were so terrible, I can see why you’ve blocked it from your memory.” Remus ducks as James lobs another pen at his head.

 

“I was off my game because you refused to duet with me! You make me shine brighter, Moony. You complete me. You make me-”

 

“Dammit Prongs, calm yourself down before you get yourself worked up into a full-on proposal.” Remus is biting back his laughter as James leaps to his feet, one hand pressed ardently over his heart like a fucking jackass.

 

“Moony, my sweet, when I finally work up the courage to propose, it won’t be in a dingy storage room, I can tell you that much. There’ll be fireworks, acrobats, a full orchestra, a taco truck-”

 

“There’d better be extra guacamole on every taco or I’m turning you down.” Remus has moved on from the notebooks and is now helping Marlene sort the tshirts on the ground, bundling one up and tossing it at James’ head.

 

Sirius turns back towards the open window, reaching into his back pocket for more pot to refill the pen. He’s not helping out with anything else for the rest of the afternoon. Better that he stay out of the way and keep his trap shut before what little chill he’s hanging onto slips through his fingers.

 

He’ll be a responsible adult for once and wait until he’s shitfaced tonight to break down and lose it completely.

 

 

**_Friday, May 2, 2014, 9.37pm_ **

 

“Hurry up, babe, and pick a song! We’ve got to get our names on the list before all the white people clog it up with Journey and Bon Jovi.” Dorcas is tapping her foot impatiently as Marlene flips through the song selection book very, very,  _ very _ slowly.

 

Marlene huffs in mock exasperation. “You’re the one who didn’t want to do an N.W.A. song, so now I’ve got to pick something else.” 

 

Dorcas rolls her eyes even as she moves to massage Marlene’s shoulders. “They use edited songs here, babe. We’d only be able to sing about five words. Besides, I had plenty of perfectly good suggestions, and you shot them all down.”

 

“Listing every song Whitney Houston recorded in the 80s does not count as offering suggestions. You’re just trying to show off your skills, and you want me squawking along next to you so you look even better by comparison.” Marlene reaches up to pinch Dorcas’ wrist playfully as Dorcas uses her other hand to lightly tickle her neck, causing her to break out into giggles.

 

Sirius drains his drink, thoroughly unamused with their sickeningly sweet flirting. Happy people have been pissing him off lately. Happy people remind him of Remus and Caradoc. Happy people remind Sirius that he isn’t.

 

Dorcas bends down to kiss the top of her head, eyes widening as she catches sight of a song in the book. “We’ve got a winner, babe!” She points triumphantly to a song in the book, and Marlene grins wickedly as she grabs Dorcas’ hand to give it a kiss, along with a little nip to the tip of her pinky finger.

 

“Alright, I’ll go put it in. James, Rem, you need to pick your song?” Marlene pushes the book towards James, who has been snickering over some mundane joke with Lily, but he shakes his head as he stands up from the table.

 

“We’re good, Marls. We’re doing one of our usuals. The  _ pulling mussels from a shell _ song by Squeeze. Come on, I’ll go with you to write them in, and we’ll grab the next round on our way back.” James and Marlene head over to the guy keeping tabs on the track list while Dorcas turns to Remus, running a hand through her undercut. 

 

“Does James know that song is about cunnilingus?”

 

“Nope.” Remus’ smile is mischievous as he finishes off his own drink. “By this point, he’s at least deduced that it’s about hooking up, but he’s convinced it’s about kissing.”

 

“I’m pretty sure it’s just about hooking up in general, not specifically about giving oral.” Lily’s biting on the end of her stirrer, smirking. 

 

Dorcas moves to throw her arm around Remus’ shoulders. “Seeing as Rem and I are the official eating-out experts, you’d best believe we know an ode to pussy when we hear one.”

 

Remus runs his tongue along his teeth suggestively, causing Lily to burst into laughter, covering her eyes with one hand. “Alright, alright, I won’t go against the advice of the experts.”

 

She turns to Sirius, reaching over to squeeze his arm. “Are you going to sing anything? I’ll duet with you, if you want?”

 

“No.” Sirius’ response is blunt as he pushes his empty glass to the middle of the table. He’s staring at the glass, refusing to acknowledge anyone else at the table. The four of them sit in awkward silence until James and Marlene return, bringing along the drinks and Peter.

 

“Ready to hit it, Moony? Let’s show these fools how it’s done.” James wriggles his eyebrows at Lily before grabbing Remus by the arm, dragging him up to the stage. As they break into the first strains of the song, with James fronting and Remus just behind him, making lewd gestures that James can’t see as he sings about how  _ behind the chalet, his holiday’s complete, _ Sirius tunes out the chatter around him, downing his drink in two gulps before snatching James’, his eyes never leaving Remus’ face.

 

Remus looks happy, twirling James around, wrapping his arm around his waist, throwing up the cunnilingus sign when James isn’t looking at him. Remus hasn’t looked that happy and carefree with Sirius in weeks. Sirius feels like a fucking fool when he thinks about how he used to consider asking Remus for something more than what they had, when now, he’d give anything to go back to those days of hair stroking and genuine smiles, and he’d never fucking ask for anything more than that ever again, if only-

 

“Sirius, are you okay?” Lily is looking at him with concern in her eyes as he finishes James’ drink, sliding the glass away from himself a bit too forcefully as it clinks against the other empties.

 

Sirius shrugs. “Could do with another round. Wormy, it’s your turn.” He glares at Peter, who gets up quickly, gathering the empty glasses. 

 

“Marls, want to help me out with carrying everything?” He looks over at Marlene pleadingly as she gamely grabs a few glasses.

 

“No worries, dude. Let’s make’em doubles this time, cool? I think we’re all gonna need something stronger tonight.” She looks pointedly at Sirius before following Peter to the bar.

 

Dorcas clears her throat as she stands as well. “I’ve gotta take a piss. Be back shortly. Fuck’s sake, Sirius, get your shit together and stop acting like an emo teen.” She turns sharply on her heel and marches back to the bathroom too quickly to see Sirius flipping her off.

 

“Honestly, Sirius. You’ve got to take it down a notch. You’re going to fuck over your friendship permanently if you keep acting like this.” Lily’s tone is acrid as she resumes chewing her stirrer.

 

Sirius yanks his hair out of its knot, shaking his head as he runs his fingers through it. “Damn it, Lily, why do we always have to talk about my fucking problems? Why can’t we talk about yours for a change? Isn’t that what friends do? Take turns shitting on each other’s life choices?”

 

Lily raises one eyebrow as she pinches his thigh sharply, making him shriek in surprise. “Shut the fuck up, Sirius. I haven’t got any problems. I’m doing just fine. I’m not the one who’s being such a moody asshole that he’s about to get the shit beaten out of him by his friends at any moment.”

 

“Bullshit, Lils.” Sirius narrows his eyes at her, feeling the alcohol kicking in, finally. “You never smoke on the clock, and you certainly don’t slack off, even on Fridays. You’re a workaholic and a perfectionist, the absolute fucking worst combo. So what the fuck happened today to throw you off your game?”

 

Lily’s shoulders slump as she rests her head in one hand. “Nothing happened, it’s just…” She takes a deep breath before continuing. “You know Alice in sales? She’s transferring down to the LA office. She and Frank got their adoption papers to go through, and Frank’s family’s down south, I guess.”

 

“Congrats to them.” Sirius’ tone is flat. He doesn’t care about Frank and Alice. “What’s that got to do with you?”

 

Lily’s bending her stirrer now, forming it into a tiny heart. “It’s just… Minerva wants me to take her place.”

 

“And that’s a problem why?” Sirius raises an eyebrow as Lily bites her lower lip. “You’d kick ass in sales, Lils. You’ve got that competitive streak, plus you’re actually competent and can charm the shit out of anyone. You’d be killing your goals, no problems.”

 

“I know that. But thank you.” Lily’s blushing slightly as she drops the now heart-shaped stirrer to the table, picking up a napkin and beginning to shred it into tiny pieces. “That’s not what I’m worried about. It’s just that… well… “ She sighs, lowering her head. “Minerva also mentioned getting me enrolled in some management training programs. She’s planning on doing some re-organizing over the next few months, and by this time next year, she wants a new head of West Coast sales.”

 

Sirius feels his jaw drop. “Holy shit, Lils. You’d be fucking perfect for that. And damn, if we went public? That’s a big deal, leading a sales team through an IPO. Fuck, it’s a once in a lifetime situation. Why would you even hesitate for one second?”

 

Lily shoots Sirius with a look so deadpan that he squirms in discomfort. “Sirius. Are you fucking kidding me? I never finished college. I’m young. I’m trans. I’m a woman. For all that we praise forward thinking and keeping current, at its core this is a sleazy industry run by cishet white dudes with traditional values. Are you even capable of thinking beyond your own experiences? Do you really have no fucking clue about any other struggles outside the ones you face personally?”

 

Sirius feels like a worthless piece of shit. This is what he deserves for having smart friends. “I don’t… I mean, you’re right, I guess. You asshole. I didn’t think about those things right away. And sure, those are shitty things to deal with. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. I’m only saying, if anyone can do it, you can. You’re fucking unstoppable.”

 

Lily is blushing again, but she looks slightly mollified. “I appreciate the sentiment, Sirius. But honestly, it’s not just that. I always thought I’d go back to school, you know? Get my PhD... Rem and I are always talking… I always thought I’d do something more meaningful with my life. Like, become an activist, or be a rogue professor, or do  _ something _ to help people. Something to give back. Something besides help rich assholes get even richer.”

 

Sirius looks over at Lily skeptically. “Now who’s being obtuse? You don’t think being a trans woman heading the sales team of a publicly traded company would be helping people? You’d be able to fuck the system, Lils. You could work on improving diversity in hiring practices, donate some of your millions in commissions to support legit programs, be a fucking mentor for other people in your position. Shit, Lils, you don’t have to lock yourself away in an ivory tower to make a difference. Besides- you love this. Say what you want about fueling the cycle of consumerism or whatever- you love it. You thrive in it. You’re not going to be happy in academia, churning out papers that no one reads. And if you wanna be an activist as well, then be a fucking activist. You don’t need a PhD for that. Shit, you are one already, with all the rallies you go to.”

 

Lily’s covering her eyes with her hands, but she’s smiling. “Alright, I suppose you’ve made some fair points. I don’t know if it’s what I want, but... shit. I’ll think about it, okay?”

 

Sirius smiles genuinely for the first time all day. “Damn right you will. I’m a genius, Lily. You should listen to me more often.” He looks over at the bar, noticing that Remus, Peter and James are ordering another round as Marlene and Dorcas take the stage.  _ She Drives Me Crazy  _ starts playing as each of them attempts to sing louder than the other.

 

“So now that you’ve solved all my problems, are you ready to tell me what the fuck’s going on with you? I thought you were going to talk to Rem? Try to sort things out? What the hell happened?” Lily’s looking at him sternly, and Sirius knows he’s not going to be able to weasel his way out of this conversation. He rubs one eye before resting his hand against his temple. 

 

“I don’t fucking know what happened, okay? He’s been obsessed with Caradoc. Doesn’t pay attention to anything else. Especially not to me. It’s like… it’s like I’ve been imagining everything over the past six months. Us getting closer, and shit. It’s like that was all a dream. Or else it was all real and this, now, is a fucking nightmare. I don’t know.” Sirius wishes he had another drink. He’s not quite shitfaced enough to talk about his feelings, although he’s teetering right on the edge.

 

Lily is looking at him curiously. “You know, Sirius, it’d be a hell of a lot easier if you’d tell me what’s wrong without making me guess. I give better advice when I’ve got the whole picture.”

 

Sirius glares at Lily. “I just fucking told you what’s wrong. I guess I might have been insensitive on four twenty, now that you mention the whole, you know, not being able to see past your own experiences thing, but still-”

 

“Cut the shit, Sirius.” Lily looks thoroughly unamused as she jabs him on the chest with one finger. “Clearly something else is going on. Don’t fuck with me.”

 

Sirius starts to laugh uncontrollably. Fuck. He might as well tell her. It’s not like he’s got anything to lose, not any more. What was he worried about losing before, anyway? His self respect? What fucking right does he have to any of that?

 

“Fine, Lily, it you must know. My problem, the thing that has kept me from letting Moony know how I might feel about him, is that I am allergic to sex. Are you fucking happy now?” He sneers at Lily’s shocked expression.

 

“I don’t… what do you mean?”

 

Sirius can’t stop laughing. This is it. He’s finally fucking lost it. “I mean exactly what I said. I’m allergic to sex. When things get hot and heavy, I freak the fuck out and panic and embarrass the everloving shit out of myself. I spasm all over the place. I flee the scene. I basically break out into hives. I can’t fucking take it. So tell me, oh wise one, what the fuck is wrong with me, and how the fuck am I supposed to explain whatever it is to Remus?”

 

Lily’s got an odd expression on her face. “So… you’re saying that you aren’t into sex? That’s your issue?”

 

Sirius shrugs as he catches his breath. “I guess. I don’t know. What’s there to be into?”

 

Lily is chewing on her lower lip thoughtfully. “Sirius, have you even heard of asexual people?”

 

“Obviously, Lily. This is NorCal. I go to Pride with Moony every year. I know all of the various sexuality terms.” Sirius leans back in his chair, rocking it backwards.

 

Lily fixed her gaze on him intently. “Well, have you considered that perhaps  _ you _ are asexual?”

 

Sirius bursts into laughter yet again, nearly toppling his chair over. “Fuck’s sake, Lily. Asexual? Me? I think not. I jack off all the time, and I enjoy it. Kleenex sends me a thank you note every time they meet their quarterly sales goals.”

 

A snort of laughter escapes Lily before she pulls herself together, folding her arms across her chest and raising one eyebrow. “Whether or not you jack off has nothing to do with sexual attraction, Sirius. Riddle me this- when you jack off, what are you thinking about?”

 

Sirius is confused. “The fuck are you talking about, Lily? I’m not some teenager who’s read their first illicit romance novel. I don’t run a bubble bath and light candles or whatever.”

 

“So, you don’t think of anything? Or anyone?”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “What’s there to think about? It feels good as it is. I don’t need- I dunno. I just, you know, do the thing, and it’s just like,  _ tighter-hotter-faster-harder-splooge.  _ I don’t think about  _ people. _ The fuck would I need to do that for?”

 

Lily rests a hand over Sirius’. “Look, that’s what asexual is. It’s when you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. Some ace people are sex repulsed, or not into masturbation, but not all of them.”

 

Sirius blinks rapidly. “That sounds like bullshit, Lily.”

 

Lily smiles at him, giving his hand a squeeze. “It’s not, though. And it’s okay. It’s a valid way to feel. You don’t have to-”

 

“Shut the fuck up.” Sirius yanks his hand away from her grasp. “It’s not- I’m not- you’re full of shit. That’s not an actual orientation. It can’t be.”

 

Lily’s face is scrunched up in confusion. “What do you mean? If you don’t think it fits you, then fine, but why can’t it be an actual orientation for-”

 

“Because that means it’s  _ real!” _ Sirius vaguely notices that he’s shouting, but he doesn’t give a shit. “It means it’s real, and it can’t be real, because if it’s real then there’s no way to  _ fix _ it, for fuck’s sake, and I’ll never be able to- I won’t be- I can’t-” Sirius’ fingernails are digging into the skin of his palms. He can’t fucking deal with this shit.

 

Lily stands up quickly, grabbing Sirius’ hand and dragging him out the back door. She manages to avoid the others notice and catch Remus’ eye, miming smoking a cigarette as they head out the door into the alley.

 

Sirius presses his palms against the rough brick of the back wall, breathing heavily. “Fuck this shit. I’m not- I can’t be this way, Lily. How the fuck am I supposed to explain this to Moony? I don’t even understand it myself. I mean, I knew there was something wrong with me, but I thought if I could figure it out, then I could fix it. But if I’m... what sort of fucked up relationship am I supposed to be able to cobble together like this?”

 

Lily reaches out to rest a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Sirius… it’s okay. There are plenty of ace people out there, and they find relationships that work for them. It’s not- Remus will understand, if you talk to him. You two are perfect for each other. Sure, you’ll have to work out the physical part, but that’s the same with any couple. Everyone’s got their hang-ups.”

 

Sirius chokes out a sob, resting his head against the brick, wishing it rained more often in this fucking state so that a bolt of lightning would strike and end his misery. “Yeah, sure. This is all totally normal. Moony’ll be thrilled to join me on the exciting journey to figure out exactly which physical interactions don’t make me cringe with discomfort. It’s so fucking romantic.”

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, stop it already!” Lily is tugging at Sirius’ shoulder now, forcing him to turn around before he loses his balance. “You think you’re the only one in this type of situation? You think you’re the only one with issues about getting naked with someone? You think you’re the only one who has fears about what will happen if they change their mind after saying  _ yes _ to something? Fuck you, Black.” 

 

Lily’s eyes are dark as she stares him down, making him somehow feel better and worse at the same time. Sirius slumps against the wall, hanging his head. “Fuck you. How do you make me feel like shit all the time and also make me feel grateful for feeling that way?”

 

Lily rolls her eyes as she giggles, smiling at Sirius as she pats his arm affectionately. “Look, this is all new to you. I’m not saying you’re asexual. I’m just offering it as a possibility that might clarify things for you. It’s a spectrum, you know, just like any sexuality. I’ll help you find some sources for info, and we’ll figure this out together, okay? Not that I’ll tell you how you feel, I’ll just… be there for you, to help sort through the details.”

 

Sirius nods mutely. Fuck. He wants to scream that this is all bullshit, that it’s a lie, that it makes no sense to him, but he can’t forget the feeling that ran through him, that sense of calm when Lily said  _ it’s when you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone… _ Sirius can’t ignore that. He’s not sure if the label fits, not yet, but he can’t deny that it’s  _ something, _ something that rings true, something that’s worth looking into further.

 

Lily pulls out her phone, fiddling with it before playing a song on Spotify and turning the volume all the way up. An unfamiliar song fills the alley as Lily grabs Sirius’ hands, pulling him away from the wall.

 

“Come on, Sirius, we’ll have our own karaoke party. Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll figure your shit out, and then you’ll be able to woo Rem, and it’ll all work out. He’s a good guy. He’s not going to think less of you for… any of this. Because there’s no reason to. Because you’re valid.”

 

Sirius can’t keep the grin off his face as he gives Lily a spin before she grabs his upper arms, singing along with the song, in a scratchy voice that explains Lily’s lack of participation in karaoke earlier in the night.

 

_ “We don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time, oh no! We could dance and party all night, and drink some cherry wine, uh huh! Na na na na na-na-na-” _

 

“I fucking hate you, you know.” Sirius knows the laughter in his voice is contradicting his words as Lily drags him into a tango down the alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I’ve updated the Spotify playlist with the karaoke selections!  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> Jily was lowkey this week, but they’ll be back full-force next week. As will Caradoc, much to Sirius’ chagrin... especially since Caradoc has a few things to say to him.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Of course I squeal with excitement every time I get a kudos or a comment, but even if you’re just reading along, I appreciate your support. My askbox is always open on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) if you want to chat or ask a question about my writing.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations and confrontations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for acephobia in the first section (don't read the comments, folks.)
> 
> As always kudos to Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree for their support!

**_Saturday, May 10, 2014, 2.24pm_ **

 

“MOOOOVE, SON! I got dibs on the first shower!!!” James shoves past Sirius as soon as the front door is unlocked, elbowing him in the ribs and smacking his bun with a gross, sweaty hand.

 

Sirius is scowling. He’s already had to deal with James’ upbeat attitude through four hours of rugby practice. He’s not in the mood to hear it for one more second. “We’ve got two showers, you know. Use your own and stop stealing my fucking shampoo.”

 

James grins as he strips down to his boxers, abandoning his practice gear in the middle of the living room, flinging his socks at Remus, who is sitting quietly on the couch reading his Kindle. Remus gives no sign that he’s noticed Sirius, James, or the sock that is now slung across his shoulder.  “Our bathroom is still slippery from Wormy’s essential oils catastrophe, right Moony?”

 

Remus murmurs in the affirmative, not taking his eyes off his Kindle. James pays no mind to this as he wanders down the hall to make a huge mess in Sirius’ bathroom.

 

Sirius groans as he flings himself onto the couch next to Remus, throwing his head back against the armrest and pulling his feet up onto the couch so that his toes are just touching Remus’ thigh. “Ughhhhh, Moony, he’s going to use up all my shampoo, and clog my drain with his hairs, and get his Prongs-smell all over my towels. You need to keep him in your oily bathroom. You’re the ones who let Wormy into the house, you’re the ones who have to live with the consequences.”

 

Remus snickers, rolling his eyes at his Kindle. He looks over at Sirius, a small smile on his face. “Good practice, then? Prongs seems to be in cheerful spirits.”

 

Sirius grins, pulling out his phone to check his texts. “Yeah, we’re doing alright. We’ll probably kick ass in the playoffs, as per usual.” He looks over at Remus, gnawing on his lower lip for a minute before speaking. “Think we’re all going up to the city tonight to let off some steam. You coming?”

 

Remus shakes his head, turning back to his Kindle. “Nah. Queer Thursday got postponed to queer Saturday this week. Once Wormy gets back from his dad’s place, he and I are taking the train up with the gang. Maybe we’ll meet up with you guys after?”

 

Sirius shrugs. “Sure, sounds good.” He manages a quick smile before pulling up his Lily texts and starting to type.

 

> **Is the interloper going to be there tonite?**
> 
>  
> 
> _ hello to u too! thx for asking, my day was fab. got into a fight at the froyo place but i won.  _
> 
>  
> 
> **Fuck you. I hope you become lactose intolerant.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ id eat the froyo anyway so it wouldn’t matter. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ i see u typing a shitty response. keep it up and i wont help u woo rem. ill tell him to elope with doccie and open up a b&b in wine country. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Evil. Fine. I’m glad you had a nice day. It’s such a pleasure to talk to you. Please fucking tell me if he’s gonna be there and if there’s any way I can convince you to slip a laxative into his drink?**
> 
>  
> 
> _ not funny. dont be a creeper. besides hes not a bad guy. its not his fault he can never be as perfect for rem as you. asshole. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Sorry. UGHHHHH it’s just frustrating. I’m trying to be nice but it’s so hard. Why can’t I yell at Moony til he likes me again?**
> 
>  
> 
> **???**
> 
>  
> 
> **I know you’re there.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ no im not. _
> 
>  
> 
> **I hate you.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ <3 _

 

Sirius bites back a grin as he pulls up one of the many articles he’s bookmarked on asexuality. His eyes keep flickering over to Remus as he reads.

 

Things have been better this past week. Relatively. Sirius has been making a point to be polite and less aggro. Remus has been careful not to mention Caradoc at all. Neutral topics are the only ones discussed at length.

 

They aren’t back to where they were, or where they should be, or where Sirius wants them to be, but they’re… better. For now. And once Sirius figures out how to talk to Remus about his sexuality shit, then maybe things can progress.

 

Sirius skims the article, not learning anything that he doesn’t already know, before he makes the fatal mistake of reading the comments.

 

> _ “What is this bullshit? Why’s everyone gotta be special? You’re not “asexual” or “demisexual” or whatever else sexual, you’re just a prude.” _
> 
> _ “LMAO girl tryna tell me she asexual, I’m like you just ain’t tried the right dick yet.” _
> 
> _ “You’re a person not an amoeba. Go see a doctor.” _
> 
> _ “These comments are so ignorant. Of course asexuality is a valid orientation. However, I disagree with the author’s claim that normal people should feel obligated to consider dating asexuals. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if one person wants sex while the other doesn’t, it’s not going to work out.” _
> 
> _ “This is What Happens when we have a Non-Christian in the White House. Pray to Jesus and He will Heal you of these Liberal Problems. Listen to the Bible and Not the Heathens from MSNBC News.” _
> 
> _ “Author pic is hot. I’d fuck her.” _

 

“Pads, are you okay?” Sirius looks up to find Remus staring at him, concern etched across his face. “You’ve got the worry wrinkle on your forehead.”

 

Sirius laughs a bit shakily. “Oh please, Moony. I never worry. Just got a cramp, that’s all.” He touches his side and winces slightly, hoping he’s not overselling it. 

 

Remus tilts his head as he drops a hand to Sirius’ foot giving it a squeeze. “Do you need anything? Do you want me to….” He trails off as he looks down at his hand, eyes widening slightly in surprise, as if he’s not sure how it got there. Sirius is holding his breath. He can feel the slight, warm pressure from Remus’ palm, and it’s causing his stomach to clench painfully. 

 

This is the most they’ve touched in weeks. Sirius misses their casual cuddles, resting his head in Remus’ lap, feeling Remus’ hands running through his hair. He misses waking up to Remus wrapped around him tightly. He misses throwing his arm around Remus’ shoulders as they walk around downtown. He misses Remus pinching him on the arm when he’s being an ass at work.

 

Remus looks back up at Sirius’s face, a cautious smile hovering on his lips. Sirius smiles back nervously, nudging his free toe gently against Remus’ knee.

 

“PADS! I FORGOT TO BRING IN A TOWEL. BRING ME ONE OR ELSE I’LL DRIP ALL OVER YOUR BED.”

 

Sirius growls as Remus quickly moves his hand back to his Kindle and begins reading again. He stands up and heads to the bathroom, stopping on the way to snag two towels from his bedroom before pushing open the door and shoving the older, shittier towel behind the shower curtain.

 

“Dry off and get out so I can- what the fuck, Prongs? The soap’s half the size of what it was when you went in here! Are you fucking eating it?”

 

James shakes his head as he steps out of the shower, towel wrapped haphazardly around his waist, waggling a finger in Sirius’ face. “No backsliding, Pads. You and Moony have been getting along better lately. Don’t fuck it all up by getting into a shitty mood over soap.”

 

Sirius glares at him indignantly. “That cost me fourteen bucks at Lush. That’s two burritos from the taqueria. With guac.”

 

“So I’ll buy you a burrito next week to make up for it.” James laughs as he quickly ducks out of the bathroom, managing to avoid the travel-sized toothpaste that flies through the air towards his head.

 

Sirius turns the shower taps on, letting the water run as he sits on the floor, leaning against the door as he begins texting again.

 

> **This is fucking ridiculous. Why are you making me do this? I need to move to Alaska and live alone in a cabin. Maybe get a dog. I bet the dog would probably think I’m a freak too. He’d be right. Still, what an asshole.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ stop fighting with ur imaginary dog ffs. altho yes, any dog of urs would be an asshole. why the freakout? _
> 
>  
> 
> **Read an article and the comments were shitty, but the shittiest part was that some of them made sense. Sex is important. For some reason. Moony’s not going to be celibate forever if I can’t make myself comfortable with everything.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ well 1st of all sorry but no one is comfortable w everything, and if ur not ok w smth now i doubt that’s gonna change much. but idk, things are always different w/someone u trust and care about, and im sure u guys can figure out what works for u both. 2nd of all rem cares about u already. this isnt some guy at the bar looking for a quick hookup. hes not gonna discount it right away. 3rd of all stop making decisions for him and give him the chance to decide. make plans for tmrw and talk to him alone. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Be honest. If it were you, would you date someone who wasn’t interested in sex? For real?**
> 
>  
> 
> _ absolutely _
> 
>  
> 
> **Shut the fuck up. I can’t trust your judgement anyway. Your standards are so low that you consider Prongs a suitable boning option.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ AUGHHH STFU BEFORE HE HEARS U TYPING! FKN TOOL! and no i never said i wanted to sleep with james omfg. we only just became friends. things are good rn. i like hanging out w him and thats all i want for now and dont fuCKING TELL HIM OTHERWISE or else _
> 
>  
> 
> **Or else what?**
> 
>  
> 
> _ u know. the usual. death, dismemberment, eternal damnation, sweet pickles etc. _
> 
>  
> 
> **You keep your sugar pickles off my fucking sandwiches. Pickles should be dill only. They’re a vegetable not a fucking candy.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ u dont kno whats good. look i found a site for you, asexuality archive. google it. cis dude runs it, so maybe his perspective would be good for u. its v organized. and ffs stop reading comments on news sites!!  _
> 
>  
> 
> **Fine I’ll check it out.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ sirius pls remember that we love u no matter what ur boning habits are. ur more than just ur sexuality. i would list all ur positive traits but idk if i want to pump up ur ego any further.  _
> 
>  
> 
> **Thx. I mean I know I’m awesome already.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ -_- _
> 
>  
> 
> **But I know I’m an asshole as well. So. Thx.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ send it. _
> 
>  
> 
> **No.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ please? _
> 
>  
> 
> **< 3**
> 
>  
> 
> _ Thx :D im glad ur my friend even if ur the biggest tool ever. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Fuck off.**
> 
>  
> 
> **Sames.**

 

Sirius feels a bit better as he showers off his rugby stank. By the time he heads back to the living room, wrapping his damp hair up into a bun as he makes his way down the hall, he’s feeling pretty chill, chill enough to drop onto the couch right next to Remus and rest his arm casually on the top of the back cushion, behind Remus’ shoulders.

 

“Whatcha reading, Moony?”

 

Remus looks over at him curiously, smiling slightly as he replies. “A Storm of Swords. I’m referencing something for tomorrow’s episode.”

 

Sirius snorts. “You’ve read the books so many times you’ve got them memorized, you watch all the behind-the-scenes content for the show, and you read all the spoilers and theories on the messageboards. Do you even need to watch the show anymore at this point?”

 

Remus smiles a bit wider as he continues scrolling through the Kindle. “I don’t  _ need _ to watch the show anymore, but I do it anyway. Out of self loathing, I assume. Each season gets more and more problematic, and the books are just becoming a quagmire of characters I don’t care about, but… I’ve gotta know how it ends. I’m in too deep to get out now, you know?”

 

He raises his gaze to meet Sirius’, and Sirius feels himself aching to wrap his arms around Remus, to bury his face in those curls, to beg Remus for a chance at something, anything, where they can be together as more than just friends.

 

Sirius clears his throat sharply. “Yeah. I know what you mean.”

 

“Moony! I’ve found the next big hit! Just released on YouTube a few weeks ago.”

 

Sirius snickers to himself as Remus looks over warily at James, who’s just entered the living room, waving his laptop around in the air as if it’s a white flag signalling the surrender of his dignity.

 

“Damn it, Prongs, what horrors will you be unleashing on my ears now?” Remus groans as he leans his head back against the couch, against Sirius’ arm, closing his eyes tightly as if he can will James and his laptop of doom to disappear.

 

James places the laptop on the coffee table, pushing play on a YouTube video. As the music starts up, he starts moving in time to the beat, grabbing one of Remus’ hands and pulling him up off the couch.

 

“Moony, hey, what's up, hello! Seen yo pretty ass soon as you came in the door, I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll-”

 

“Ugh. This is a catchy beat. This is going to be popular. Nooooooo!” Remus covers his face with one hand as James shimmies next to him.

 

“What’s the matter, Moony? This is good shit!” James is grinning as he bumps his hip against Remus’.

 

“This is not good shit, James. This is terrible shit, but people won’t be able to tell the difference, and later this year I’m going to have to listen to all the rich teens in this town singing about life in the trap.”

 

“But it’s got a catchy beat. You said so.” James winks as he pulls Remus closer, ruffling his curls as Remus continues to pretend like he’s not moving in time with the music.

 

Sirius is grinning as he stretches out on the couch, one eye on his friends and one eye on the asexuality archive articles. He’s looking forward to tonight, he realizes. It’ll be good to go out and have some fun without having to worry about everything else. And come tomorrow morning, even if he’s not sure where he and Remus are going to end up, he’ll be ready to take that first step.

 

 

**_Saturday, May 10, 2014, 10.48pm_ **

 

“Come on, there’s no way you two can punk out now! It’s still early!” Benjy Fenwick throws an arm around Sirius, laughing as Sirius pretends to punch him in the gut before waving goodbye to his teammates that are meandering towards the Caltrain. “We can still keep the party going. It’s not even eleven, for crying out loud. The party hasn’t even  _ started _ yet!”

 

“The party started at five, bruh, and it started with shots. Can’t blame the others for not wanting to take an eighty dollar Uber home later.” James pulls up his phone, snickering as he checks his messages. Sirius knows he and Lily have been sending each other deliberately corny jokes all evening. He knows this because Lily has shared the worst ones with Sirius over text in exchange for Sirius not asking for any details on exactly how close Remus and Caradoc are dancing tonight.

 

Sirius has to admit that he feels pretty good. James might be an asshole, but he was right when he said that they needed a night out as a team. Six hours, three dared body shots, and nine tacos later, he’s in a fantastic mood, even with Fenwick’s tilapia breath so close to his face.

 

“So Lily says the gang’s in the Castro. Feel like meeting up with them? Pads, you up for it?” James looks at Sirius sternly. Sirius flips him off as he wriggles free from Fenwick’s grasp. 

 

“Course I’m up for it, why wouldn’t I be? Last time I was there, Moony bought me that edible underwear.” Sirius wriggles his eyebrows as they head down Market Street, enjoying the incredulous look that Fenwick is giving him. Even though Fenwick and Remus haven’t hooked up in forever, Fenwick still gets a little weird about his relationship with Sirius. 

 

Sirius decides Fenwick doesn’t need to know that the marauders ate the edible underwear extremely enthusiastically on the sidewalk in front of a horrified group of tourists. He can presume something wilder happened if he so chooses.

 

Sirius can’t see the name of the bar as he flashes his ID at the bouncer, but he spots Remus right away. He’s chatting with Lily and Peter at a small round table at the edge of the dance floor, laughing and shaking his head. Caradoc is nowhere in sight. Sirius abandons James and Fenwick at the front door to hurry over and pull Remus into a side hug.

 

“No worries, you can start having fun now that I’m here.” Sirius ignores Lily’s eye rolling as he sneaks a sip of Remus’ drink. “Clearly that’s why you’re all standing around instead of dancing.”

 

“Dancing, you say? My body is ready, but is this crowd? Probably not.” James is grinning as he comes over, standing next to Lily and squeezing her shoulder. “Thanks for keeping me entertained with intelligent conversation while I was stuck with the loser brigade tonight.”

 

Lily is blushing faintly as James smiles happily at her. “No problem. Glad you guys could make it. Marls and Dorcas already bailed. It’s nice that you guys are here. Nice to mix things up a little bit.”

 

“Well, we are honored that you allowed us to tag along, despite our straightness. Well, mine anyway. And- and Pads, obviously. Of course.” James is rubbing his neck sheepishly as Sirius presses his lips together in an attempt to keep his face neutral, avoiding Remus’ raised eyebrow.

 

“Pete!” Fenwick finally shows up, and Sirius thinks he’s never been so grateful to see him, not even during the game when he took that tackle for Sirius and ended up breaking his leg. “Pete, come on, man, I’ve gotta intro you to my friend. He’s just your type, and he says he’s interested.” Fenwick grabs Peter by the hand, dragging him away to a group of guys at a table across the room.

 

“Just the four of us, then. Like a double date.” James is still smiling like a jackass. Sirius wants to kick him, and feels mollified when he sees James wince slightly, no doubt due to Lily pinching him under the table.

 

“Yeah anyway, so! How do you survive in a place like this, Moony? Why are they remixing every song with Nicki Minaj? How are your snobby ears able to handle the racket?” James grabs Remus’ drink to steal a sip as well as Remus laughs.

 

“Her new album is out later this year, so the queer community has to prepare itself.” Remus sighs deeply, bowing his head and giving it a shake. “Oh, Nicki. I’ll never get over my disappointment. Her mix tapes got my hopes up so high and then-” He wipes an imaginary tear from the corner of his eye as Lily and Sirius exchange an amused glance.

 

James reaches over to pat Remus’ hand comfortingly. “It’s alright, Moony. I know she didn’t end up being the bi-con you hoped for, but you’ve still got Ke$ha and Frank Ocean.”

 

At the same time, Remus and James holler as loud as they can, “WHERE’S THE ALBUM, FRANK?!” before bursting into laughter. 

 

Sirius grins and winks at Lily, who looks a bit bewildered. “You’ll get used to it. Prongs and Moony are always battling over whose musical taste is better, even though they’re both usually wrong.”

 

James looks affronted. “Hey, I listen to all sorts of stuff. It’s Moony who listens to all the pretentious crap that claims to have a  _ deeper meaning _ or whatever, even though it’s all bullshit.”

 

Remus thrusts his nose in the air in a show of haughtiness. “I listen to a lot of things, Prongs, and yes, some of what I like has a  _ deeper meaning,  _ but that’s because music is art.”

 

“Ha! What about that Grimes song, the killing versus maiming song? The one about if the dude from the Godfather was a zombie?”

 

Remus flushes a bit. “No, that’s not- it’s written from the viewpoint of Michael Corleone if he was a vampire, who could switch gender and travel through time-”

 

James has his head throw back as he roars with laughter. “Oh,  _ Moony, _ no! No it is  _ not _ about that. There’s like, two stanzas in the whole fucking song! That’s not enough time to tell a complicated story. Grimes had to have made that up to fuck with people.”

 

Remus is laughing now, too. Seeing him so happy and relaxed makes Sirius laugh as well, not taking his eyes off Remus as he tugs at the back of his curls, looking over to smile at Sirius with more warmth than he’s shown in weeks. Sirius doesn’t care if the smile is because of him or because of the alcohol or because Venus is in fucking retrograde, he only cares that Remus is looking at him in a way that makes Sirius think that maybe tonight is the night, maybe he should just go for it now, before he loses his nerve-

 

“Sorry Rem, the line took forever. Hey, good to see you all again. What did I miss?” 

 

Sirius stops laughing immediately, though the smile remains frozen on his face. Caradoc is back, from the bathroom, Sirius assumes. Not that he cares where he came from, as long as he goes back as quickly as possible.

 

“Hey, nice seeing you, man. I’ll get next round, what are you drinking?” Sirius doesn’t bother waiting to hear anyone’s response as he makes his way to the bar. He smiles charmingly at the bartender, smirking as he notices the extra shots being tossed into the five glasses. By the time he makes his way back to the table, James is gone, so he’s able to stand next to Lily and enjoy a full view of Remus and  _ Doccie _ making cow eyes at each other.

 

Lily and Remus are keeping up the chatter, but Sirius isn’t listening as he knocks back his drink, sneaking glances at Caradoc every so often. What does Remus see in him? His jokes are alright, but they aren’t hilarious. He’s smart enough, but doesn’t seem to be as clever as any of the marauders. He’s passably attractive, sure, although Sirius is still convinced that his dimples are uneven. He’s a bit thin, like Remus, without the broad shoulders of, say, a rugby player. His hair is pretty hot, though. As someone blessed with hair that is always on point, Sirius has to give grudging respect to the locs.

 

_ Kill vs. Maim _ starts playing as James reappears, tapping Remus on the shoulder. “I convinced the DJ to play our song, Moonykins. Let’s get out there and show ‘em how it’s done! Caradoc, you don’t mind if I steal him for a dance, do you?”

 

Caradoc laughs gratingly. “Yeah man, go ahead. Rem’s all yours. I’ll just enjoy the view.” He grins at Remus, who blushes as he drags James out to the dance floor. 

 

Sirius watches for a moment as James and Remus tear it up, as they always do. He looks down at his drink, enjoying the thick tension in the air as Lily taps her fingers on the edge of the table awkwardly while Caradoc stares out at the dance floor. Sirius listens in solidarity with Grimes as she explains ardently that although  _ people say that I'm a big time bomb, I'm only a man, and I do what I can.  _

 

Lily sighs dejectedly as she pushes her drink towards the middle of the table. Sirius looks over at her inquisitively. “What could possible make you feel bad enough to push away Ketel One? Also, can I drink that if you aren’t going to?”

 

Lily glares at him before snatching her drink back and taking a sip. “Hands off, Black. I’m fine. It’s just…” She bites her lower lip nervously. “James is going to ask me to dance tonight, isn’t he? And I’ll have to say no.”

 

Sirius wrinkles his forehead. “Lils, you guys are friends. He asks everyone to dance. If you don’t want to, just tell him to fuck off like I do and he’ll go back to grinding Moony all night.” He glances back at the dance floor, where Remus and James are now the center of attention as they dance together in fun, silly movements that somehow also match the rhythm of the song perfectly.

 

Lily looks over at Sirius irritably. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I can’t dance, okay?”

 

Sirius chuckles, stealing Lily’s lime wedge and dropping it into his own drink. “You go out dancing all the time! How can you say you can’t dance?”

 

Lily sighs as she grabs the lime wedge back. “I dance in a group, Sirius. For fun. I don’t dance with a partner, like… like that.” She gestures vaguely to the dance floor, which is indeed filled mostly with various couples.

 

“So? James won’t care. You could do the fucking macarena and he’d still think you were hot.” Sirius easily avoids Lily’s half-hearted punch to the arm. “Look if you don’t feel comfortable, then say no, but why not just go out there? You can fake an ankle injury if you feel like you’re fucking it up too badly.”

 

“I’m sure you won’t need to do that, Lily.” Caradoc’s voice is soothing as he reaches over and squeezes Lily’s hand. “I’ve seen you out there. You got moves. Don’t sweat it.”

 

Lily smiles gratefully at Caradoc. Sirius scowls. What sort of terrible touchy-feely advice is that?  Sirius thinks his advice is far more practical. 

 

“Well, I’m going to go to the bathroom first before they get back. Just in case.” Lily looks over at Sirius, raising one eyebrow. Sirius gives her a slight nod. He’ll be fine here, alone with Caradoc. He won’t punch him in his smug face. Probably.

 

Sirius watches Lily make her way through the throng of people towards the restrooms. He’s considering pulling the same excuse himself when Caradoc speaks to him directly for the first time all evening.

 

“Hey, Sirius, I’m glad we’ve got a moment alone, honestly. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

 

Sirius feels his eyebrows shooting all the way to his hairline as he turns to look at Caradoc. He’s got an easy grin on his face as he continues speaking.

 

“Look, I know how you feel about me. I’m not clueless, yeah? I know you don’t like me.”

 

He pauses, giving Sirius the chance to deny this claim. Sirius says nothing. Caradoc clears his throat and gets on with it.

 

“Anyway… Rem tells me you aren’t into guys, so I’m not saying anything like that, yeah? I’m just saying, you seem really protective of him, and I think that’s great. He’s a good guy. He needs his boys looking out for him.”

 

Sirius can’t believe that Caradoc is acting like they’re just two bros chatting about the weather, all calm and shit. He’s not one of Remus’  _ boys. _ He and Remus are more than that.  _ All _ of the marauders are. He struggles to maintain his chill as he meets Caradoc’s gaze unwaveringly.

 

“Look, Caradoc, I don’t know what you- my relationship with- we’ve known each other for a long time, okay? And honestly it’s not your fucking place to come in here and tell me how to act.”

 

Caradoc raises his hands in a sign of surrender. “Calm down, man. I like that you look out for him. Hell, I like  _ you.  _ You’re pretty funny. And I get it, I’m the new guy here. I’m not going to overstep my bounds.”

 

Sirius grits his teeth. Telling someone to  _ calm down _ is the best way to get them to fly off the fucking handle immediately. Everyone knows that. This has to be a deliberate move to make Sirius lose his shit in the middle of the club. The devious bastard. Sirius refuses to give him the satisfaction.

 

Caradoc leans one arm on the table, not dropping his eye contact with Sirius for one second. “That being said… I’m not going anywhere. And you’re not going to shake me. You’re not going to be able to rile me up. I’m not going to shit talk you to Rem, or fight you, or any of that cliche bullshit.” 

 

Caradoc smiles infuriatingly, glancing over at Remus and James on the dance floor. Sirius isn’t sure if he wants to laugh in Caradoc’s face or punch him out cold. Who the fuck does he think he is? Someone special? Sirius has seen plenty of Caradocs come in and out of Remus’ life. This one won’t be any different. There’s no need to feed into his delusions of importance by dignifying his ramblings with a response.

 

Caradoc turns hack to the table, straightening up. “Look, Sirius, you’re right. I don’t get your relationship. All four of y’all are pretty tight, in different ways. I respect that. I’m not asking you to change that. All I’m suggesting is that you get cool with the fact that Rem and I have our own thing now, because that’s not changing, either.”

 

Caradoc nods at Sirius before heading out to the dance floor, tapping James on the shoulder and winding an arm around Remus’ waist. Sirius feels sick at the sight. He spots Lily making her way back to the table and bolts to the bar, ordering himself two shots and downing them in quick succession, making small talk with the bartender.

 

He watches James hurry over to meet Lily at the table, smiling earnestly as he gestures to the dance floor, looking so pathetic that Sirius is not surprised when Lily holds out her hand to him. He’s slightly surprised when James doesn’t pass out from shock, but rather grabs her hand confidently, leading her back out to the dance floor.

 

They’re both blushing like teenagers. Disgusting, Sirius thinks. A couple of happy assholes who don’t realize that life is shit.

 

Eventually, Sirius feels the need to make his own way to the bathroom. As he is standing in line glaring at any dude who dares to so much as smile at him, he spots a couple making out down another hallway. He realizes with a start that it’s Remus and Caradoc. Perfect. That’s exactly the image he wants fresh in his mind while he’s taking a piss in what is most likely going to be one of the top five grimiest bathrooms in the Castro.

 

Remus has Caradoc pressed up against a wall as they make out, his hands gripping Caradoc’s hips. Sirius rolls his eyes. He’s seen Remus doing this sort of shit before, and remains unimpressed.

 

His breath hitches, however, when Caradoc reaches down to clasp one of Remus’ hands in his own, bringing it up to his lips for a gentle kiss. Their foreheads meet as they stare into each other’s eyes, smiling as if they’re in a fucking romantic meadow somewhere, rather than pressed against a sticky wall in a sleazy bar.

 

Sirius breaks away from the line, barrelling towards the back entrance where he bursts into the smoking alley, his hands shaking as they pull a crushed packet of cigarettes from his back pocket. He knows James will lecture him tomorrow when he smells the smoke residue, but he doesn’t give a shit. 

 

It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. Nothing he ever wants matters.

 

 

**_Sunday, May 11, 2014, 1.15am_ **

 

Sirius wonders why they are in this bar when it’s so _ loud.  _ He can’t hear his vodka over the sounds of assholes flirting and hipster douchebags discussing their various health cleanses, and he needs to hear his vodka so he can  _ drink _ it, obviously.

 

His vision blurs slightly as he raises what is probably his drink to his lips, attempting to take a sip and scowling in displeasure when he realizes there are only ice cubes left. Who keeps drinking all of his drinks? What sort of place is this, where your vodka keeps disappearing on you?

 

He looks around the room. Lily and James are playing pool or something. Laughing like hyenas. Awkward, annoying hyenas. James can’t hit any of the balls to save his life, but Lily is acting as if she’s enjoying showing him how to angle the stick just so. What bullshit. Sirius knows from experience that attempting to instruct James Potter in anything is no fun at all, because James doesn’t listen, and is a shitty friend who lets his Moony make poor choices.

 

Sirius is proud of himself. He has managed to pretend that he didn’t see his Moony being manhandled by crater-dimple-asshole-face-whomever. He has managed to pretend that seeing his Moony out on the dance floor entwined in that asshole’s arms didn’t phase him in the least. 

 

He had remained at the table to watch everyone’s drinks while they were out on the dance floor. He had ordered himself a row of shots to toss back one by one, watching his Moony out there dancing to  _ Novacane _ and whispering in that asshole’s ear. As Sirius has listened to Frank Ocean singing about  _ zero emotion, muted emotion, computed emotion, _ his eyes had not left his Moony for even one second. When it was time to move on to the next place, Sirius had smiled magnanimously and offered to pay the tab. He had used James’ credit card, obviously, but he made the effort, which is commendable.

 

Now is not the time to make a fuss. Sirius knows this. He’s about to stand up and get another drink, and possibly grill the bartender on why he keeps giving Sirius evaporating vodka, when his Moony comes over and sits in the chair next to him, flushed and grinning.

 

“Having a good night, Pads? Oh damn, Lily‘s teaching Prongs to play pool? And no cue sticks are broken? Either Prongs is really shitfaced or he’s in love. Probably both, eh?”

 

His Moony is smiling at him, but it’s not the right smile. It’s not like the smiles that asshole has been getting all evening. It’s not like the smiles that Sirius used to get.

 

Sirius stares intently at the ice cubes in his glass, willing them to melt and become water, then transform further into vodka. “I’m good. How about yourself? Got an awful lot of dancing in. I guess you’ve been feeling better?”

 

His Moony is beaming as he stretches a bit in the chair. “Yeah, almost at the month mark for the Humira, and I haven’t had one flare. That’s a good sign. It’s working. It’s- it could be working for good, yeah?”

 

Sirius turns his glass over so the ice cubes all fall onto the floor where they belong. “That’s nice, Moony. That’s good. You should feel good. You deserve good things. Even if the good things are assholes.”

 

His Moony is looking concerned now as he gently grabs the glass from Sirius’ hand, placing it on the table. “Pads, are you alright? Want us to call you an Uber? I’ll ride home with you.”

 

Sirius laughs without humor. “Can’t leave  _ him _ here alone, can you? That’d be rude of you, Moony. And he can’t come in the Uber with us, because his fat head won’t fit in the car.”

 

Sirius doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with pointing out facts, but from the look on his Moony’s face, he must have said something wrong.

 

“Pads, you’re beyond shitfaced. I’m calling an Uber and we’re going home. Doccie will understand. He likes you, you know.”

 

Sirius starts to roll his eyes, but winces as that makes his head spin. “Doesn’t matter if he likes me. He doesn’t have to like me. Not like he’s a real boyfriend or something.” The laughter dies on his lips as looks over at his Moony, who is biting his lower lip nervously and staring at the ground.

 

“Look Pads, I was going to tell you guys tomorrow, but… he kinda  _ is _ my boyfriend. I know I don’t usually- but things are getting- this is different. He’s different. And so we’ve been talking and we’re… official, or whatever.”

 

Sirius looks around in confusion. He can’t be in hell, because if hell were real, his mother would be here, but what other explanation is there for the pain welling up in his chest? A heart attack? Possibly. Or a stroke. He could be suffering pre-stroke delusions.

 

“Shit, Pads, are you okay? Do you want me to get you some water?”

 

Sirius looks over at his Moony in a daze. “Nah, I just… need some fresh air, or something.”

 

Wordlessly, his Moony is grabbing him by the arm and pulling him out the front door, down the block a bit. Sirius leans back against the brick wall of some shitty bodega as he closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. “Thanks Moony, I feel better. I just- stop blurring, Moony. Stay in one fucking spot. I just don’t understand why you told me that asshole is your boyfriend.”

 

His Moony looks vaguely annoyed, even as he sways slightly, crossing his arms in that condescending way that Sirius hates. “I told you that Caradoc is my boyfriend because it’s the truth. I know you aren’t wild about him, but I thought you deserved to know. I thought all of you deserved to know.”

 

Sirius is sneering now. A small chorus of voices that sounds like James, Lily and Peter is singing  _ nooooo, Sirius, you jackass, don’t you dare say it, _ but Sirius can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth.

 

“It’s not like it matters anyway, Moony. You can slap a label on it if you want, but we all know it won’t last. They never do with you.”

 

Sirius feels like shit as he sees his Moony’s eyes widen in pain for a moment, before he smooths his face back into a neutral expression. “This is different, Pads. I just hadn’t met the right person before. Besides, I’m feeling better now, I’ve got a steady job, I- things could work out, maybe.”

 

“You know they won’t.” Sirius sharpens his words so they’ll draw blood, and even though he doesn’t want to throw them, he does anyway. “This dude isn’t any fucking different. You’re not any fucking different. You’ll find some reason to kick his ass to the curb like you always do. Gotta keep that revolving door in front of your bed moving, don’t you? Not that it’s necessarily stopped for now. Is that it? Keep this asshole locked down so you feel like you’re making some sort of fucked-up progress with your life, while you still fuck everything that moves behind his back?”

 

His Moony inhales sharply, raising one hand to steady himself against the brick wall. “I’m not a cheater, Sirius. Don’t shit on me because I’ve got the gall to grow as a person while you’re content to remain stagnant.”

 

Sirius’ laughter is mocking and cruel as it echoes down the quiet street. “I can’t believe you’re lecturing me on remaining stagnant. Listen to yourself. You’re a fucking professor even when you’re shitfaced, and yet you’ll never take the chance on grad school. Always be wondering what-if. And this fucking guy’s not even going to notice, is he? He doesn’t know you. Sure, your meds are working now, but that doesn’t mean you’re cured. That shit’s chronic, Moony. It’s going to come back. And when it does, he’s not going to be there for you when you need him. If you don’t leave him, then he’ll leave you, probably sooner rather than later.”

 

Sirius isn’t sure why his Moony looks so upset. All he’s trying to say is that this asshole isn’t good enough. Everyone  _ knows _ this, so Sirius isn’t sure why he’s the only one willing to say it.

 

“Come on, Moony, I’ll call an Uber and we’ll go home.” He reaches out to throw an arm around his Moony’s shoulders, but the shorter boy steps back quickly.

 

“No, Pads, you go on home alone. I’m- I’ve got things to do. Tell Prongs and Wormy not to wait up.” Before Sirius can grasp what just happened, his Moony is walking briskly down the street, getting farther and farther away from Sirius, until he blends in with the crowds pouring out from other bars on the next block.

 

Sirius’ hands are shaking as he calls an Uber, accepting the surge charge without checking it. He’s not sure what the fuck happened. He’s not sure why his Moony is so agitated. All he’s sure of is that he has to sit down right now to wait for the Uber before the spinning in his head knocks him out completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to puppylovele for their feedback as the resident Asshole!Sirius expert. ;)
> 
> Spotify list updated. And yes, as early as 2014, Trap Queen was gaining steam on YouTube, preparing to infect the entirety of 2015.  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to chat with me here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo).
> 
> Next week... the fallout.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruises and backlash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for aftermath of violence in part 2.
> 
> Thanks as always to Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree for their help!

**_Sunday, May 11, 2014, 4.26am_ **

 

Sirius feels the world spinning out of control as he’s dragged out of whatever fitful sleep he’s been slogging through for the past few hours.

 

“Where’s Moony?”

 

Sirius feels everything tilting as he grabs his pillow and slams it tightly over his head. Someone yanks it away and shines a light that is brighter than the fucking sun in his face.

 

“Where’s Moony, Pads?”

 

Sirius groans as he presses his face into the mattress, struggling not to puke for the umpteenth time already. The smell of vomit wafting up from his trash can isn’t helping matters.

 

“Where the  _ fuck _ is Moony, Pads?”

 

Sirius shouts as his hair is yanked hard, startling him into sitting up shakily, rubbing his eyes and gripping his head tightly, trying to keep his brains from leaking out of his ears. James is looming over him, his face like a storm cloud. Through the open bedroom door, Sirius can see Peter pacing and nodding his head as he speaks lowly to someone on the phone.

 

Sirius startles as James grabs him by the shoulders and begins to shake him furiously. “Are you fucking listening? What the fuck happened? WHERE IS MOONY?!”

 

Sirius shoves James out of the way and scrambles to grab the trash can, hurling up his last taco and handful of shots. He takes a few heaving breaths before putting the trash can down and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He still feels like shit, and is hella confused as to what’s going on, but his mind is slightly clearer now.

 

Sirius squints up at James curiously. “What are you talking about? What the- I don’t- what the fuck is going on?”

 

James is glowering down at him, arms crossed tightly over his chest. “The last time we saw you and Moony, you guys were headed out to grab an Uber home. We left an hour after, and when Wormy and I got back to the house, we just figured you guys had sorted out your differences and were crashing together in here. So you can imagine our surprise and concern when Wormy got a call from Moony just a few minutes ago, and found out that he is not in the house like we had assumed.”

 

Sirius feels his stomach clench into a painful knot. He’s trying to remember what happened tonight. What had he said? Why had Moony been so upset? He  _ had _ been upset, by something that Sirius had said, no doubt... “We um… we… where is he, then? Did he say?”

 

James drops his arms to his side, balling his hands into fists and pressing them against his thighs. “No, Pads, he did  _ not _ say where he is. Because he doesn’t  _ know _ where he is.”

 

Sirius wraps his arms around his stomach. “What do you mean? What did he say? I- can I talk to him?”

 

“Oh, I think you’ve done enough talking for one night. You fucking asshole.” James is livid now as he stares murderously down at Sirius. “We’re still working out what the fuck you said to him, but whatever it was, it triggered him into one of his Moony Spirals of Doom. I don’t know what the fuck he’s on, but he’s absolutely wrecked. Has no idea where he is. Babbling about all sorts of things that don’t make sense, can’t even tell us what fucking city he’s in. Says he’s bleeding but can’t say how it happened or how bad it is. I fucking swear to you, Sirius, if anything happens to him-”

 

“Prongs! I think he’s in the Presidio.” Peter has entered the room and is gesturing wildly to James as he begins speaking into the phone again. “Moony? You’re at the beach with the stairs? The stairs?  _ The stairs. _ Moony, look around, do you see any- yeah, yeah, I remember when Prongs tripped down the stairs and chipped his tooth. That was funny, man. Okay- no Moony, don’t run up the stairs! Sit down, look at the stars, okay? Do you- ok yeah, tell me what you see, okay?”

 

Peter muffles his phone with his hand and turns to James. “I’m keeping him talking. It sounds like he’s on that little beach near the Battery Chamberlin. Shit, I hope the tide’s not coming in. Or going out, or whatever it does.”

 

James nods briskly. “Keep him talking, Wormy. I’ll ping Caradoc.” He pulls out his own phone and begins texting, not looking at Sirius. “Any idea how he got there, Sirius? I assume you said something shitty to him and then he tore off into the night. I assume you just fucking let him go without trying to stop him and then took a hundred and ten dollar Uber home on my fucking account. Without bothering to tell any of us, naturally. You selfish fucking prick.”

 

Sirius rests his elbows on his thighs, holding his head in his hands. Bits and pieces of the evening are coming back to him, making him cringe.

 

_ We all know it won’t last. They never do with you. _

 

_ Gotta keep that revolving door in front of your bed moving, don’t you? _

 

_ If you don’t leave him, then he’ll leave you, probably sooner rather than later. _

 

Sirius feels his chest tighten as he fills with shame, regret, disgust at himself. How could he have said those things? What the fuck had he been thinking? He hadn’t been thinking, of course, and it’s not like he was being truthful, not really, he’d just wanted to hurt Remus-

 

Sirius digs his fingernails into his scalp. Which is worse, saying deliberately hurtful things because they are true, or saying deliberately hurtful things because he wants to cause pain? Sirius is fairly sure that there’s no way last night can be framed in a way that doesn’t expose him as the worthless piece of shit that he is.

 

“Alright Wormy, let me talk to him. Caradoc’s at a friend’s in the city. He’ll go pick Moony up and bring him home.” James holds out his hand to take the phone from Peter, stalking out of Sirius’ room, not acknowledging Sirius. Peter trails behind him, stopping at the doorframe and turning around to stare at Sirius intently.

 

“He told me what you said, you know. Part of it, anyway. Not sure he knew what he was saying, and I’m sure the phrasing was off, but…” Peter trails off as Sirius glares at him.

 

“Don’t look at me like that, Pads. This is your own fault.” Peter’s voice is harsher than it usually is while talking to Sirius. “You know, you shit on me a lot. Make jokes at my expense, whatever. And it doesn’t bother me, because that’s the way we’ve always been. I know you don’t mean it, even when you  _ think _ you mean it- you don’t. That’s just your way.”

 

Peter presses his lips together, shaking his head slightly before continuing. “But that’s not the way you are with Moony. And that’s not- Moony takes things to heart, Pads. He takes the  _ wrong _ things to heart. He’ll brush off a compliment without thinking, but he hangs onto every criticism like it’s gospel. Especially from you. And you know that. You damn well know that.”

 

Sirius looks down at the floor, unable to meet Peter’s gaze any longer. It’s true. It’s all fucking true. Sirius is a shitty friend and a worthless excuse for a human being, and how the fuck did he ever think he was entitled to something more with Remus? Remus, who’s always supported him. Remus, who is so guarded with his feelings. Remus, who would never have said anything so harsh to his worst enemy, let alone his closest friend.

 

“If anything’s happened to Moony, we’ll- you’ll…” Peter sighs and heads out the door. Sirius does not look up to see him leave. “Get your shit together, Pads.” He shuts off the light as he leaves, closing the door behind him. Sirius hears his footsteps fading down the hall.

 

Sirius doesn’t move for quite some time. He’s sitting in the dark, alone, the smell of stale vomit filling his nostrils as he lets the waves of self loathing crash over him. How could he? How could he just let Remus walk away like that, let him go into self destruct mode, his Remus, his Moony-

 

No. Not his Moony. Sirius doesn’t deserve to claim Moony as his own. He’s proven tonight that he can’t be trusted with Moony’s heart, even in the context of friendship.

 

Not that it matters, anyway. Remus doesn’t need him. Remus doesn’t want him. Remus wants someone else, and he’s got him. Remus has a boyfriend now. For all of Caradoc’s faults (and despite everything else that’s happened tonight, Sirius still can’t believe that no one else sees how  _ wrong _ Caradoc is for Remus), the one positive thing he has going for him is that he isn’t Sirius. For all that Caradoc is not good enough for Remus, he’s still better for him than Sirius. Not that that’s saying much, since Sirius is absolute garbage.

 

Sirius lies back on the bed, rolling onto his side, pulling the covers over his head and curling into a tight ball. Maybe he’ll have an aneurism in the middle of the night and not have to deal with the inevitable shitstorm that tomorrow will bring. Sure, instant death means he won’t know if Remus is okay, but he doesn’t deserve to know. 

 

Sirius isn’t sure if he’s fallen asleep at all, or if he’s just spend the last few hours staring at the wall when his phone begins vibrating furiously. He has half a mind to toss it in the puke-filled trash can, but the tiny twinge of hope that it will be Remus forgiving him for everything and promising that everything will be okay is enough for him to reach out and check his texts.

 

Of course it’s not Remus. It’s Lily. A very angry Lily.

 

> _ wut the actual F black???!!!111 _
> 
>  
> 
> _ rem texted me in stream of consciousness at 4am for 10 solid minutes wtf _
> 
>  
> 
> _ and then i get a mf phone call from james? like who the f uses the phone anymore sirius. i thought someone was dead. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ i dont care if ur sleeping ur up now. u piece of shit. idk what u said to him exactly but btwn his shitsplosion of texts and james filling in the blanks i have a pretty good idea. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ the presidio is 5 miles away from the castro how the f did he get there??? and on the beach? u know how many shitfaced ppl drown on that mf beach or break their neck on the cliffs or get robbed or worse. WAY WORSE. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ all u had to do was come back inside the bar and TELL SOMEONE what happened but noooooo why do that when u could run away like a coward. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ we told u. we all told u to say something to rem but noooooo u had to hold it all in and then explode and make it all 1000000x worse. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ u are a selfish asshole who doesnt take anyone elses feelings into consideration and thinks that oh whatevs, im sirius black, i can do what i want and to hell with the consequences.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ ok im getting too mad. we will discuss further later today. over coffee/tea bc i got no sleep thanks to ur antics and need caffeine. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ i know ur awake and reading this. i can sense ur presence. know that i am rlly mad at u rn for good reason, as is everyone else. but we still <3 u, even rem. we all know ur a shithead. we can fix this ok? ttly and pls get some rest bc ill probs have to rant at u some more in person so u will need ur strength. _

 

Sirius chews on his lower lip thoughtfully. He’s seen Lily drag people far worse. He cringes slightly, recalling the time James had busted the good printer the day before the board meeting. If Lily thinks that there’s a chance that he can make things right, then the odds may be in his favor. 

 

He doesn’t even care about Caradoc, or his own asexuality issues, or any sort of relationship pipe dreams. He just wants his Moony back, any way he’ll have him, even though he knows damn well he doesn’t deserve it. He can’t keep a small grin off his face as he types back a response.

 

> **< 3 <3 <3**
> 
>  
> 
> _ i kno. asshole. <3 _

 

 

**_Sunday, May 11, 2014, 2.14pm_ **

 

Sirius stares down at his black coffee distastefully. He doesn’t like Peet’s coffee, truth be told. The only reason he ever goes to Peet’s is that they usually have a vegan cookie option for Remus. That doesn’t matter today, however. Remus is not with him today. Instead, Lily is sitting across from him, pouring far too many sugar packets into her matcha tea. Sirius grimaces as he watches her dump the third packet into her cup. She and James are clearly soul mates with their shitty beverage habits.

 

Lily stirs her tea as she looks up at Sirius, lips pressed together firmly. “Well? Are you going to tell me what happened?”

 

Sirius feels his shoulders hunch up around his ears as he bows his head back down. “Remus and Caradoc are officially a thing now. He told me last night.”

 

“Oh, Sirius. I’m sorry.” Lily reaches out to squeeze his hand, and Sirius allows himself to be soothed slightly by the only sympathy he’s received all day, even if he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

 

“Yeah so… We were both pretty wasted, but I was especially out of it. Fuck. I said some things to him. Really shitty things. Things he won’t forgive me for. Things he  _ shouldn’t _ forgive me for.”

 

Lily is looking at him warily, chewing on the end of her stirrer. “Do you care to elaborate at all, or are you going to keep me in suspense?”

 

Sirius scowls slightly before taking a bland sip of his coffee and setting the cup back down on the table. “I don’t know, I just… mentioned how he never sticks with one person… might have accused him of being a slut, and a potential cheater… um…” Sirius swallows hard as he sees Lily wince at his words.

 

“I guess I told him it wouldn’t last, that if he didn’t get tired of Caradoc, then Caradoc would get tired of him… fuck, Lily.” Sirius shoves his coffee away, folding his arms onto the table and dropping his head to rest on them. “I fucked up. I fucked up big time. He’s never going to want to talk to me again and I don’t blame him. I don’t know why I said those things-OW!” 

 

Sirius looks up as he feels a sharp stabbing in his forehead. Lily has jabbed him with the chewed-up end of her stirrer, and is now glaring at him reproachfully.

 

“You know damn well why you said those things. You said them to be hurtful. You were hurt, and you lashed out without thinking, like a child. And now you’re wallowing in your own self-pity, worrying about whether Rem is going to be mad at you or forgive you, without any thought as to how  _ he’s _ doing. Honestly, Sirius, grow up and take some accountability. And drink more of that coffee. You look like shit.”

 

Sirius scowls as he grabs his coffee and takes another sip. “I have too thought about Remus. He’s all I’ve thought about all- fuck. You’re right. I’m selfish. I’m a selfish piece of shit and I don’t know why-”

 

“Oh, get off the cross, you martyr. I’m not impressed by your piss-poor attempts at self flagellation.” Lily gives her tea another stir before bringing it to her lips. “You know Rem’s going to forgive you. That’s not the issue. The issue is, what are you going to do to make sure he doesn’t take all that shit you said to heart? Because you know he will. He’ll latch onto any excuse for self loathing.”

 

Sirius sighs dejectedly. “I don’t know what to do. When I don’t say anything, I fuck things up. When I do say something, I fuck things up. I can’t win.”

 

Lily rolls her eyes exaggeratedly. “Inaccurate. You’ve tried bottling shit up and ended up with an explosion on your hands. There’s a middle ground. You need to explain to him that your emotional diarrhea last night was due to your issues with yourself, not with him. Because I swear to you, Black, if Rem goes off on one of his spirals again- you know what, I don’t even have to threaten you, because you know you’ll have to answer to James, and he’ll do worse to you than I ever could.”

 

James does not get angry easily, but when he does… Sirius shudders at the thought. He drains the remainder of his coffee and checks his phone. “I’d better head back. I want to be there when- when he gets home.” He chews on his lower lip thoughtfully. “I’ll have to think of what to say. I’ll come up with something. I can be very convincing, you know.”

 

Sirius flashes his most winning grin, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms behind his head as Lily rolls her eyes, biting back a laugh. She stands up and grabs his arm to steer him out the door.

 

“Alright, let me know how it goes.” Lily turns suddenly and wraps her arms around Sirius’ waist, hugging him tightly.”It’ll be okay, Sirius. You screwed up, but you can fix this. Keep me posted. Think before you speak. And for the love of all that is holy, be sober when you talk to him, okay?”

 

Sirius returns the hug, resting his chin on the top of her head. “Thanks, Lils. I hope you’re right. I’ll text you as soon as we talk. Gotta keep you updated on the drama.”

 

He smirks as they say their goodbyes and head down the street in opposite directions. Sirius has just turned down their street when he stops suddenly. There’s an unfamiliar car parked outside the house. As Sirius walks closer, trying to see if he can catch a glimpse of the driver, he notices the front door to the house opening. He inhales sharply when he realizes that it’s Remus. Sirius can feel his stomach clenching tightly as he watches Remus head down the front steps slowly.

 

Remus looks like hell. There are dark circles under his eyes, which are bloodshot and puffy. He’s got a large bandage on his left forearm, thick white gauze secured with medical tape. As Sirius gets closer, clearing his throat to make his presence known, Remus turns to look over at him, making Sirius gasp out loud. The right side of Remus’ face is a mess of cuts and bruises. Several long scratches run down his neck, disappearing under the collar of his shirt.

 

Sirius didn’t think he could feel any lower, but seeing Remus like this makes him feel worse than he ever thought possible. What the fuck has he done? Why did he let Remus leave last night? Why didn’t he  _ do _ anything? This is his fault. Every moment of pain, physical and emotional, that Remus has endured over the past fourteen hours is Sirius’ fault. 

 

Sirius would give anything to take on Remus’ wounds, to have those cuts carved into his own skin, to have his own forearm bandaged and bloodied, to have his own cheekbones mottled black and blue. He shudders as he wonders what other injuries Remus is hiding, what other injuries are there that Sirius can’t see.

 

He notices Remus walking quickly towards the car, no longer meeting Sirius’ gaze. Sirius walks faster, cutting Remus off before he can make it to the passenger’s side door. A quick glance over his shoulder allows him to get a glimpse of the driver. Caradoc, of course. He doesn’t look overly pleased to see Sirius. 

 

The feeling is mutual, Sirius thinks. Even though Sirius is willing to shoulder the majority of the responsibility for last night’s disaster, he can’t help but think that part of the blame goes to Caradoc as well, for worming his way into their lives and being so fucking infuriating in the first place.

 

“Moony.” Sirius places a hand on Remus’ chest to keep him from moving, withdrawing it quickly as Remus shrinks back ever so slightly at the touch. “Moony, I’m- I’m so sorry, Moony, you know I didn’t mean any of it, I was shitfaced, and I’ve got… my own shit going on right now, and I let myself get carried away and I just- I was just being an asshole, Moony, none of it was true, you know that, you have to know-”

 

“Pads. Just... just stop it, okay? You don’t have to do this.” Remus’ voice is steady as he looks up at Sirius calmly. Sirius wants to kick himself. He thought he’d have more time to come up with a decent apology, an eloquent one with appropriate levels of grovelling, but being caught by surprise like this is throwing him off.

 

“Look, Pads, you don’t have to apologise. I know you weren’t trying to make me feel bad. I mean the fact of the matter is, you weren’t completely off the mark.” Remus is speaking in a pleasant tone, as if they’re discussing the weather, rather than the intricate details of how Sirius has fucked up Remus’ already low self esteem.

 

“I  _ was,  _ Moony, I was so far off the mark- I didn’t- none of it was true, don’t think that I-”

 

“If you didn’t think it was at least partially true, you wouldn’t have said it at all. Your inhibitions were lowered, and yes, you were a bit cruder than you ought to have been, but… don’t worry about it, Pads. We’re cool.” Remus smiles politely at Sirius, reaching out to give his shoulder a squeeze.

 

“I’ve gotta go, Caradoc’s waiting. I’m spending the week at his place. Working remotely. I don’t want to go into the office looking like this.” He gestures at his cheek, chuckling as if he’s referring to a particularly awkward haircut rather than a fucked-up face.

 

Sirius runs a hand through his hair nervously. “Look Moony, you don’t have to- I’ll stay home with you, if you need someone- you don’t have to go. Or I’ll go, if you don’t want me-”

 

“Pads, no. It’s fine. We’re good. I just… I need some space. And it’ll be good to spend some time alone with… my boyfriend. Away from all this.” Remus looks over Sirius’ shoulder, nodding to Caradoc before looking back at Sirius and giving him a small smile.

 

“Text me if you need anything, yeah? I’m fine. Just superficial wounds. Nothing that should scar, but hey, what’s a few more battle wounds, right?” Remus grins as he walks past Sirius, getting into the car without glancing back.

 

Sirius feels like he’s going to puke yet again as the car pulls away from the curb, disappearing down the street and around the corner. He hurries into the house, slamming the door behind him and storming into his room, grateful that neither James nor Peter saw him come in. 

 

Sirius grabs one of his lighters off the dresser and digs around in his sock drawer for his emergency stash of joints, sighing with relief as he pulls out the baggie from underneath his Superman sock with the little capes sewn to the backs. He pulls out a joint from the baggie, lighting it before he drops backwards onto his bed, turning on his sound system and staring up at the ceiling blankly.

 

There’s a small crack in the ceiling, he notices. Maybe it’s a sign of structural instability. Maybe the whole thing will come crashing down and smush him this very afternoon. Sirius doesn’t think he could possibly be that lucky, but the thought cheers him up slightly as he closes his eyes and inhales, wishing he could fade into nothingness.

 

 

**_Sunday, May 11, 2014, 5.54pm_ **

 

Sirius turns up the volume on his stereo, immersing himself in the Deftones as they scream out  _ Change _ and pretending not to hear the knocking at his door. If it’s Peter, he’ll go away eventually, and if it’s James, he’ll come in regardless of invitation, so there’s really no need to acknowledge it either way.

 

Sure enough, the door creaks open and James pokes his head in. “Pads? Fuck, Pads, what did I tell you about smoking in your room? Open up the fucking window at least.”

 

Sirius, still lying on his back in his bed, as he has been for the last three hours, doesn’t move as James comes in the room, walking over to the window and yanking it open before turning down the music volume. “Honestly, Pads, why do you only listen to old music? Would it kill you to keep current?”

 

“If it would, then I’d do it for sure.” Sirius’ tone is flat as he answers, looking over at James at last as he attempts to light another joint. “‘Sides, that’s not my job. Moony keeps us current. I keep the classics in rotation. That’s how we roll.”

 

James snorts. “These aren’t classics, Pads. This is your Angry Depression mix. Never a good sign.” He presses his lips together as Ladyhawke begins to assert her request that people  _ stop playing with her delirium, ‘cuz she’s outta her head and outta her self control,  _ which Sirius relates to. 

 

Sirius shoots upright to a seated position when James turns off the music. “The fuck, Prongs? You can’t come in here and touch my sound system. That was like, the first house rule we ever made.”

 

James ignores him as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed, looking over at Sirius thoughtfully. “Look, Pads, I didn’t mean to rail on you last night. Well, I  _ did _ mean to. And actually, I’m not sorry I did, because you deserved it. Shit, Pads, Moony could’ve been- anyway.” James pats Sirius on the knee tentatively when he sees Sirius cringe at his words.

 

“Anyway- look, you were an asshole, but what else is new, right? You’ve gotta- you guys will sort this out. And I know it’s hard for you, seeing Moony with someone else, but shit, Pads…” James trails off, rubbing the back of his neck. 

 

Sirius rubs one eye as he passes the joint over to James. “Prongs, I saw Moony when he was leaving. What- do you know what happened? Know any of the details?” Sirius doesn’t want to hear the details, but he has to know exactly what pain his actions caused.

 

James wrinkles his nose thoughtfully. “Well, I talked to Caradoc last night. He found Moony on the beach, with his arm all bloody and scraped to hell, and his face busted up. I guess he got into some sort of altercation, but we don’t know the details, and he’s being tight lipped about it now that he’s sobered up. Plus he fell a bunch, I guess.”

 

He pauses to take a hit, coughing as he exhales. “Pads, what the fuck is this shit? Did you dig through the compost heap to roll this?”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “It’s not called emergency weed because of the quality, Prongs. Obviously.” He nudges James with his foot. “So what happened? Caradoc brought him home? Nursed him back to health?”

 

James’ face is grave as he looks at Sirius. “Pads, Caradoc called me when he found Remus. He was freaking out. Wanted to take Remus to the hospital, he was so strung out and just- just a mess, you know? But of course Remus refused to go. Said he was afraid of getting arrested for being on- well, we still don’t know for sure. Fuck. But it wasn’t anything good.”

 

Sirius closes his eyes, attempting to will himself to stop shaking. Remus is always reckless when he gets like this. Who knows what he took? Fuck, who knows what other nasty shit was mixed in with whatever he  _ thought _ he was taking?

 

_ He could have died. He could have overdosed, or taken some tainted shit. He could have tripped and hit his head. He could have taken one punch too many. He could have died. _

 

Sirius feels his head spinning as he covers his face with his hands. He tries to keep his breathing steady as he feels a pair of arms wrapping around him tightly. James is holding him close, rubbing a hand on his back soothingly as Sirius buries his face into his shoulder, not sure if he’s about to cry or puke or scream, but knowing that James will not complain regardless of what ends up happening.

 

“Pads, it’s okay. Moony’s safe. Everything is going to be fine.” James’ voice is low as he gives Sirius another hug before sitting back to meet his eyes. “Pads, what’s going on with you? I thought you were going to ride this out? I thought you were handling things? What the fuck happened?”

 

Sirius looks down at his hands, picking at one of his cuticles. He’s got to come clean. He can’t go on like this any longer. Maybe James will understand, maybe he won’t, but he has to  _ know. _

 

Sirius takes a deep breath. He can do this. It’ll be fine. “Look, the thing is… obviously you know I like Moony. A lot. Like, romantically.” He shifts awkwardly on the bed, not able to look James in the face. “And I know you think I’m confused about my sexuality, but I’m not. I know I like guys. I always have, even when I wasn’t ready to admit it. It’s just... That’s not the part I’m worried about.”

 

He sneaks a peak upward. James is looking at him intently, his full attention on Sirius, which makes him nervous and comforted at the same time. “The thing is, there’s… my sexuality… I’m not just gay. I’ve got… other things to contend with. Like, things that might scare off Moony, if I tell him I want a relationship. Might scare off any dude, to be honest.”

 

James nods brusquely. “It’s okay, Pads. You can tell me. I’m- I’ll support you no matter what. You know that, right?”

 

Sirius scowls, kicking James in the leg. “I know. Asshole. Let me finish saying this now, or else I’ll never be able to get it out.”  He breathes in again deeply before continuing. “So the thing is, I… you know that sex is important in any relationship, right? And sometimes people have… different needs. Or expectations. And the thing is, I… Moony and I probably have different needs. Well, mine are different, anyway. Different than other people’s, I mean.”

 

James appears calm, but Sirius notices that the next hit he takes off the joint is fucking huge. He keeps talking before he loses his nerve.

 

“So the thing is… I think that… no, I  _ know  _ that… I’m asexual.”

 

Sirius steels his courage and glances up at James. James’ eyes are wide, and the hand holding the joint has a slight tremor to it.

 

“Um.. you’re asexual? Like… you don’t like sex?” James keeps that ridiculously calm look on his face as one hand grips Sirius’ comforter.

 

Sirius wrinkles his nose. “No, it’s not- I’m not sex repulsed. I just- sex is whatever, you know? It’s just, like... you’re straight, so when you look at a girl you’re attracted to, you get a boner. And so theoretically, since I’m gay, when I look at an attractive dude, I should get a boner. But I don’t. It’s just like… yeah I like that dude, he’s cool, and if he wanted to hook up with me, I’d probably be fine with it to a certain extent, but I wouldn’t be into it. I’d be just as happy if we played Xbox all night and then jacked off separately if we needed to, and then spooned. Happier, even. Because it’s not- I’m not into dudes because I want to bone them. I’ve never felt that way. About anyone.”

 

James is pressing his lips together tightly. Sirius is getting nervous. “So… I don’t know if that makes sense? I mean, I’m not explaining it right at all, it’s just- it’s hard to describe, and it’s different for everyone, and-”

 

“So hold up. Hold up. What you are telling me is that in your ideal romantic fantasies with Moony, you two hang out and cuddle like always, and then you jack off separately, and then go to bed? All snuggled up?”

 

Sirius is nervous as he tries to read James’ blank facial expression. “Well, yeah, I suppose…”

 

James bursts into laughter. Tears are streaming down his face as he drops the joint on Sirius’ rug, cursing as he stamps it out, laughing the whole time.

 

Sirius is going to strangle him. He’s going to have to do it fast, before he dies of embarrassment first.

 

“Fuck, Pads, I’m sorry.” James is shoving a hand under his glasses to wipe the tears from his eyes, his laughter dying down as he sees the murderous rage on Sirius’ face.

 

“Pads, I don’t- I’m not laughing at  _ you, _ it’s just- shit, Pads, do you know how scared I was? I thought you were going to tell me you had some ridiculous, creepy, kink. Like, I dunno... shit-eating, or clowns, or something terrible.” He shivers as he stops laughing.

 

Sirius has never scowled so hard in his life. “First of all, I can’t believe you think that literally eating feces and fucking  _ clowns _ are on the same level of kink. The fuck’s wrong with you? The fuck kind of shady clown porn have you been watching? You need to get off the darknet. Secondly, are you completely missing the point? Did you zone out thinking about clown fucking while I was talking about the fact that I’m not sure if I’ll ever be comfortable enough to bone Moony? How the fuck can you have a relationship without sex?”

 

James lets out an exasperated sigh. “First of all, asshole, one of the house rules is not to judge other housemates’ internet habits, Pads. So shut the fuck up about what I have or have not found on the darknet. Second of all, sex isn’t the be all and end all of relationships. You really think that if Lily told me she didn’t want to bone me, or that she had hang-ups, that I’d ditch the love of my life and find someone else? I’m not trying to minimize anything, it’s just- every relationship is different, you know?”

 

Sirius is still scowling. James is such an asshole. “Wow, thanks, Prongs. That hypothetical situation really makes me feel better about myself. Especially when the majority of relationships do end. I mean, ignoring the fact that Moony hates me now-”

 

“He doesn’t hate you. Drama queen.” James is flopping backwards onto the bed, kicking Sirius with his bony ankles. “He’ll get over it, once you tell him what’s been going on. It’s been obvious that something’s wrong, Pads. We aren’t completely clueless. Something’s been keeping you agitated. Besides seeing Moony with another dude, I mean.”

 

Sirius groans, covering his face with his hands. “Fuck, Prongs. I’ve let everything go to hell. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

 

“Oh, so many things, Pads. So many things.” James is grinning as he kicks Sirius again. “Look, for what it’s worth, I don’t think Moony and Caradoc are going to last. He’s a good guy, but he’s… I dunno. Moony seems happy enough but… not as happy as he could be.” 

 

He looks up at Sirius, giving him an appraising look. “There are no guarantees in life, Pads, but that doesn’t mean you bench yourself before you’ve even started to play the game. Talk to Moony. Honestly, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed with the results. Even if- no matter what, he’ll still be your friend. And then that way, at least everything’s out in the open, even if the outcome is shitty. I don’t think any of us can take much more of this cloak and dagger bullshit.”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Prongs.” Sirius is grinning as he throws a pillow at James’ face. “There’s no room for positivity in here. If you’re going to have such an annoyingly sunny attitude, then get the fuck out and turn back on my Angry Depression mix.”

 

“Oh please. You’re lucky that I came in and saved you from listening to that trash. Although it’s better than your punk-pop phase in middle school.” James laughs as he sits up, ruffling his hair before looking earnestly at Sirius.

 

“You know Pads, it’s a good thing that I came in here and turned off your music. I think… the needle on your record player… has been wearing thin…”

 

“Oh, please no.” Sirius attempts to cover his face with another pillow, but James launches himself onto Sirius, pulling away the pillow and tossing it across the room.

 

“THE RECORD HAS BEEN PLAYIN’ SINCE THE DAY MOONY’S BEEN WITH HIM!”

 

Sirius attempts to flee, but James pins him to the bed, singing louder than necessary, directly into Sirius’ ears.

 

“HAS PADS WAITED TOO LOOOONG? HAS MOONY FOUND THAT SOMEONE? HAS PADS WAITED TOO LOOOONG? TOOOO SEEEE HIM?” 

 

Sirius manages to knee James in the stomach, causing him to choke and fall off the bed. Sirius bursts into laughter as he tosses his last pillow at James’ head, feeling much happier as he leaps over James’ body to head towards the kitchen in search of the Sweet Chili Doritos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Spotify playlist is also updated:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> Next week, Sirius gets some news and starts talking more.
> 
> I love hearing what you think! You can leave a comment here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo).


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic and Pizza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TW this week, except for some internalized aphobia in section 3. 
> 
> Thanks as always to Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree for their help on a particularly challenging chapter. Without them, I'd never be able to stay on schedule <3

**_Monday, May 19, 2014, 11:32 am_ **

 

Sirius stares numbly at his monitor, watching as his unread email count slowly creeps towards triple digits. He has not done a single useful thing all morning. Come to think of it, he didn’t really do anything useful last week, either, but that was not his fault. Minerva had put him on database entry duty for a few days after he’d informed a particularly difficult client that he was being a tool.

 

He hadn’t argued with the decision. He hadn’t been in the mood to talk to the clients any more than they’d been in the mood to hear the truth about their shitty time-wasting behavior.

 

Last week, Remus had been away at Caradoc’s. At first, Remus had answered Sirius’ texts pleasantly enough, but he hadn’t initiated any in return. Sirius had taken the hint and given him space. 

 

Sirius had spent his nights gaming, smoking, and working over innumerable apologies in his head, trying to accurately guess how his first conversation with Remus would go, and predict what Remus’ reactions would be to his pleas.

 

Sirius had been calm and collected until Wednesday at about ten in the morning, when Sirius realized that no, Remus probably was not going to text him about anything other than work. The asshole client incident had happened shortly thereafter.

 

Last week had been pretty rough, all things considered.

 

This week, however, is shaping up to be even worse. Caradoc had dropped Remus off at the house late last night. Remus had been fairly quiet, chewing on his lower lip as if something was on his mind, not paying much attention to the forced banter that Peter and James tried to keep going. 

 

The morning train ride had been fairly awkward as well, with Remus’ eyes glued to his phone as he peppered James with questions on what he had missed while he was out of the office. Sirius said nothing, narrowing his eyes at the both of them. Excessive questions are always one of Remus’ patented avoidance techniques. Sirius had hoped that Remus would at least be at his “pretending everything is normal” stage of discontent rather than his “blatant avoidance” stage.

 

Now, as Sirius sits at his desk, next to Remus for the first time in a week, he can’t focus on anything except the sound of Remus’ fingers typing away at the keyboard, his tongue clicking against his teeth as he scrolls through his Excel files, his feet tapping on the scratchy carpet to the beat of his playlist.

 

Sirius’ attentions are so focused on Remus that when his phone vibrates with a text, he nearly tips his chair backwards. He sees James smirking at him as he fumbles to unlock his phone. Sirius flips him off before looking down and checking to see who’s texted him. 

 

He’s surprised and wary to see that it’s Regulus. He and Reg have exchanged a few strained messages since they last spoke at the four twenty party, but Reg hasn’t seemed to want to speak about anything of substance, and Sirius hasn’t been willing to pry further into the madness of his fucked up family dynamic.

 

> _ You get a lunch break? I’m near your office. We need to talk. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Sounds intense. Are you breaking up with me?**
> 
>  
> 
> _ Don’t even. I can’t deal with your drama right now. Meet me for lunch. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Ok what time?**
> 
>  
> 
> _ Now. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Now? It’s not even noon.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ Well I’m at Scratch now. _
> 
>  
> 
> **Well as long as you don’t move, you’ll still be at Scratch at noon thirty when I’m ready for lunch.**
> 
>  
> 
> _ Don’t be an ass, Sirius. Just come. Please. _

 

Sirius frowns, looking over at Remus, who is staring intently at his monitor, as he has been all morning. He turns to look at James, who is engrossed in a flirty online chat banter with Lily, which Sirius has found very boring to read over his shoulder. A small sigh escapes as he types back a reply.

 

> **Whatevs. I’ll head over in a few. You’re paying.**

 

Sirius pushes his chair back, stretching a bit as he stands up. “I’m going to meet Reg for lunch. He’s in town or something.” He’s not surprised when James and Remus merely nod distractedly at him. Scowling, he heads out the door towards downtown. He absentmindedly pats his back pocket, searching for his cigarettes before he remembers they’ve all been confiscated by James, the meddling shithead.

 

He spots Reg as soon as he enters the restaurant, at a corner table with a tumbler of vodka gripped in one hand and a second one untouched in front of him. Wordlessly, he slides into the seat across from Reg, who pushes the second tumbler towards him without speaking. Sirius takes a deep sip before setting the glass down, looking expectantly at Reg, one eyebrow raised.

 

Reg is studying at the menu as if it holds an endless array of possibilities rather than the two vegetarian options he’ll end up choosing from. Sirius rolls his eyes as the server comes over.

 

“Two grilled vegetable sandwiches, please. That’s all for now. We’re a bit pressed for time.” Sirius flashes a smile that makes the server blush as she takes down the order and stammers out a polite response. As soon as she’s gone, Sirius leans back in his chair.

 

“So? Why am I here? You miss me? We could have just met after work on my roof if you wanted to do an encore performance.”

 

Reg gives him a deadpan look, although there’s a slight flush to his cheeks. “Shut up, Sirius. I was at the family lawyer’s office. The reading of Uncle Alphard’s will was today. You were invited, you know”

 

Sirius presses his lips together. “I know. Forgive me if it wasn’t exactly a tempting invitation.”

 

Reg smirks. “I don’t blame you. It was… well, tense, I suppose. Anyway… you’ll be getting a call, or something formal, I suppose but… just so you know. Al left you some money. A lot of money, actually. Like…  _ a lot _ of money.”

 

Sirius focuses on keeping his expression blank. What the fuck? He hasn’t spoken to Alphard in years. The old coot had been estranged from the family since Sirius was a kid. “Why the fuck- why did he leave me anything?” Sirius barks out a laugh. “Shit, I bet mom was pissed. Did she completely freak out? I should have come along after all.”

 

Reg groans, even as he snickers a bit. “Trust me, you did  _ not _ want to be there. Mom lost it. Argued for an hour with the lawyers about whether she could contest it. I mean, Al didn’t say anything about why he left you the money, but you know. I suppose it was… solidarity, and all that.”

 

Sirius can’t keep the grin off his face. “Well, well, well, the rumors were true then. Uncle Al was queer. What a shock for everyone, I’m sure.”

 

Reg is laughing now, one hand covering his mouth. “Shit, Sirius, do you remember his roommate? Like, the dude is a multi-millionaire, and we were supposed to believe he needed a  _ roommate? _ What the hell?”

 

Sirius is laughing as well, tears filling his eyes. “Reg, shit, man, do you remember when we were kids and we visited his house in Bangalore? Like, how many drawings of nude men can you fit in one house? Honestly, he had to have hung up extra ones just to piss the family off. Oh, man. So many things make more sense now.”

 

Reg is wiping tears from his eyes. “Well, now you have the means to fund your bohemian gay lifestyle with James Potter. Or with Remus. Whichever you choose.”

 

Sirius stops laughing immediately. He glares intently at Regulus. “What the fuck, Reg? How do you know about Remus? I mean, there’s nothing to know- well, there’s- it’s complicated- what the  _ fuck, _ Reg?”

 

Reg looks unimpressed. “Don’t get all aggro with me. You’re the one who freaked out about Remus that time we met at the Sharks game. I just poked around Facebook a little for further info.”

 

Sirius eyes Reg suspiciously. “I never post on Facebook, and neither does Remus.”

 

Reg shrugs. “Yeah, well. James does. And he accepted my friend request.”

 

Sirius is going to strangle James when he gets back to the office. The fuck is wrong with him? What sort of traitor befriends the enemy? Not that Reg is the enemy anymore, but he’s not necessarily an ally, either.

 

“Oh come on, Sirius. Don’t act like that.” Reg is rolling his eyes at Sirius’ discomfort. “Look, I don’t know what sort of gay crisis you’re having when it’s two thousand and freaking fourteen and we live in northern California, but whatever it is, get over yourself. I’m not that brainwashed by our family bullshit. I’m woke. I have plenty of classmates who fit all sorts of gender and sexuality descriptions. You’re probably not a unique snowflake. You’re not special. Not around here. So just… be happy, okay? I mean, you’ve sacrificed enough.”

 

Sirius snorts. “Ditching our home life wasn’t much of a sacrifice, actually. Best decision I ever made.”

 

Reg shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “Yeah well… I’m, uh… sorry that I wasn’t… that I didn’t get it. When we were younger. I didn’t get what was going on.”

 

Reg looks reluctant to say anything more, thankfully. Sirius is not in the mood to discuss his feelings or have some sort of brotherly bonding moment. He leans back in his chair casually as he replies. “Don’t worry about it. We were kids. It is what it is, you know? And it’s over now, anyway.”

 

Sirius runs a hand through his hair before smirking at Reg. “So, what’s your deal? You get back together with the cheater, or did you manage to keep the parents off your back?”

 

A tiny sigh escapes from Reg before he clears his throat. “They’ve backed off for now. I just sort of... stopped replying to their calls and texts until they stopped pestering me about it.”

 

Sirius sniggers. “You ghosted our parents. How mature of you, Reg. I’m not being an asshole, I really am proud of you. Fuck ‘em if they’re going to give you shit for living your life.”

 

Reg looks pensive as he takes another sip of his drink. “Yeah, well. I don’t know. It’s just- I know they expect me to join dad at the firm, do the whole VC thing, but… I just… need some space, or something. Need to do my own thing, you know?”

 

Sirius nods. “Yeah, I know. Been there.” He drains his glass before pushing it towards the end of the table for the server to take away. “You know, if you need help, or a place to stay, or just someone to get shitty with, um- well, you know where I live. Apparently.”

 

Reg tilts his head to the side, looking at Sirius curiously. “Yeah well… so anyway. Did you see last night’s episode of Game of Thrones? Littlefinger’s one cold bastard.”

 

Sirius laughs, sitting back in his chair as he spots the server coming over with their food. He’s relieved that Reg isn’t interested in emotional chit chat or life advice. He’s happy to let his little brother crash on his couch or eat his cereal, if he must, but there are limits to his charity.

 

 

**_Monday, May 19, 2014, 5:33 pm_ **

 

“Okay, how about this one?” James is standing in the living room, blocking the TV, running his hands over the front of his shirt nervously.

 

Sirius glances at him briefly. “Looks good, man. Much better than the other shirt. Now get out of the way so I can see the TV.”

 

“HA!” James points an accusatory finger at him. “This is the same fucking shirt! You aren’t paying attention at all.”

 

“What can I say,  _ Chopped _ is more interesting than your fashion choices.” Sirius is trying not to smirk at James’ distress, but he’s not trying very hard.

 

“Bullshit. You can’t even hear what’s going on with Moony’s racket playing.” James gestures vaguely at the speakers, which are pumping out _ Semi-Automatic  _ by Twenty One Pilots. Remus says nothing in response, merely grabbing the sound system remote and turning up the volume.

 

“Besides, you hate cooking shows, especially timed cooking shows.” James has one eyebrow raised skeptically, his eyes flicking over to Remus, who is sitting with Sirius on the couch. Not directly next to him, of course. Remus is at one end and Sirius is at the other end. Still, Sirius had been the first one to sit down. Remus had come along fifteen minutes later and had made the decision to sit on the couch, with Sirius, rather than in the armchair. Sirius is counting this as a win.

 

He glowers at James, the traitor. “Art can’t be rushed, Prongs, not that you’d know. Now get the fuck out of the way. Maybe I didn’t notice you’re wearing the same shirt because all your douchebag striped button downs look the same and it doesn’t fucking matter which one you wear, because you look like a tool in all of them.”

 

“Whoa, y’all need to calm down in here.” Dorcas walks through the front door with Marlene and Peter trailing behind her. She falls into the armchair next to the couch, letting her legs dangle over the armrest as Marlene sits on top of her heavily.

 

“Ooff! Watch it, babe. And James, dude. No. Just, no. Take that shirt off. You’re going to a concert, not a kegger during rush week. Put on a black tshirt or something.”

 

“You think a tshirt will be okay? I don’t want Lily to think I’m some slob who can’t dress himself.” James is struggling to unbutton his shirt with shaking fingers.

 

Dorcas lets out a shout of laughter. “Dude, she  _ knows _ you’re a slob who can’t dress himself. And honestly, if you’re looking to change her opinion, that frat boy look isn’t the way to do it.”

 

James looks dejected as he trudges back to his bedroom still fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. Marlene whispers something in Dorcas’ ear, biting her earlobe gently as they giggle together. She turns to the couch, where Peter has annoyingly decided to sit in between Sirius and Remus.

 

“Why’s he freaking out? It’s not like he’s going on a date. He and Lily must have each told me half a million times that this is-” Marlene puts her hands up to make air quotes- “ _ not a date. _ ”

 

“It’s  _ not _ a date!” James has emerged from his bedroom dressed in a plain black tshirt and dark jeans. “My first date with Lily is not going to include you assholes staring at us the whole night. This is a group outing. A group outing to some shitty indie show in the city.“

 

Remus snorts derisively. “Christina Perri is not  _ indie.  _ Christina Perri is forgettable. That’s her genre.”

 

“Christina Perri is free tickets to the Fillmore and a comped open bar, that’s what matters. There are perks to working with event planners. Although I, too, took some time to debate if having to sit through the concert was worth it.” Dorcas has her arms wrapped tightly around Marlene’s waist. “You sure you guys don’t want to come? We can tell Pete’s friend we lost her ticket. You can take my ticket too, if you want.” She shrieks as Marlene pinches her forearm.

 

“Thanks, but I’ll pass. I’ll suffer enough abuse on my eardrums tomorrow when Prongs inevitably spends the day singing all the songs.” Remus ducks as James reaches over the back of the couch to put him in a choke hold. 

 

Sirius supposes that Remus’ voiced reason for not wanting to attend the concert is legit, but he knows it’s not the only reason. Remus was hooking up with one of the Fillmore’s bartenders last year, and it had ended pretty badly, culminating in a broken nose and a small house fire. Completely justified, of course. Sirius remembers the incident vividly, seeing as he was the cause of both the busted nose and the fire. Coincidentally, he is not inclined to attend the concert, either.

 

He’d been cautiously optimistic when Remus had mentioned that he’d be staying home tonight. Sirius had been planning on at least another week or two of Remus avoiding him. He suspects that James, the meddling asshole, might have mentioned something to Remus while they were alone in the office. Once he’d returned from lunch with Reg, Remus had been marginally more receptive to Sirius’ tentative attempts at conversation.

 

James is stressing over which shoes to wear, holding up his Nike tennies and his black dress shoes for Marlene and Dorcas to consider. The girls are trying valiantly to hold back their laughter, with various degrees of success. Dorcas breaks first.

 

“James, please tell me you’ve got a pair of Converse or something. Dirty flip flops? Those shoes with the individual toe pockets? Crocs? Shit, even some Birkenstocks would be better at this point. Fuck’s sake, literally any other pair of shoes than the ones you’re holding.” Dorcas’ comments are interspersed with snorts of laughter. 

 

James is clearly moving past the point of irritation to sheer panic. “What am I doing? What am I  _ doing? _ I can’t even get my shit together to go out with Lily when it’s not even a date.” He drops the shoes on the floor, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. “It’s all this techno music. My brain is spinning. Moony, please, for the love of all that is holy, change the song.”

 

Remus groans, covering his eyes with one hand. “Prongs. How can you- Twenty One Pilots and Childish Gambino are not techno artists.  _ Sweatpants _ is not a techno song. How have we known each other for five years and you still can’t tell-”

 

“Moony, please.” James’ eyes are wide as he drops his hands and slumps his shoulders. Remus peers at him through his fingers for a moment before standing up and walking over to the sound system, unhooking his phone to scroll through the playlist. A few seconds later, Kanye West is singing  _ All Falls Down, _ James does not look any less agitated.

 

“Moony, how is this song supposed to give me any confidence? This song is depressing.”

 

Remus shakes his head as he walks over to James, placing his hands firmly on his shoulders. “Prongs, this song is not depressing. It takes us back to a better time.  _ College Dropout _ has just been released. Kanye isn’t a Kardashian, he’s a politically relevant, up and coming artist. Stacey Dash isn’t a right wing nutjob, she’s the hot girl from  _ Clueless _ all grown up, running through the music video with her nipples out. We still have hope as a nation. We are still open to endless possibilities of a better world. That’s what this song represents.”

 

Remus squeezes James shoulders. “Just wear your Vans. You’ll look fine. Not that Lily will care what you’re wearing. You guys are friends now, yeah? She likes you. And like you said, this isn’t technically a date. So just relax and have fun.”

 

James takes a deep breath, pulling Remus in for a quick hug and a pat on the back before flicking him on the nose. “Thanks. Asshole.” He gathers up the discarded shoes and heads back towards the bedroom, looking slightly mollified. 

 

Remus sits back down on the couch, shaking his head. “Peter, please don’t let him make an ass of himself tonight.”

 

“Impossible task, Moony, but I’ll do my best.” Peter is grinning as he nudges Remus in the shoulder.

 

“I heard that.” James comes out of the bedroom, heading over to sit on the arm of the couch as he ties his shoes.

 

“We weren’t trying to stop you from hearing it.” Remus is snickering as he ducks James’ half-hearted punch.

 

“Whatever. Kanye’s magic is working. I’m feeling hella chill.” James is grinning as he checks his phone. “We should head to the train in ten minutes or so. Everyone ready? I’m not waiting around and missing the train when one of you remembers too late that you’ve got to take a piss before we leave.”

 

“Point taken.” Peter gets up and heads to the bathroom, while James steals his seat on the couch.

 

“So, Pads, now that you’re a bazillionaire, are you ready to start brainstorming?” James’ eyes are bright as he throws an arm around Sirius’ shoulder.

 

Sirius looks over at James suspiciously. “Brainstorming for what, exactly?”

 

James pinches the back of Sirius’ neck. “Brainstorming on our genius business idea, obviously.”

 

Sirius wrinkles his forehead. “I’ll take a pass on that, actually.” He shoves James’ arm off, moving closer to the end of the couch to get some space between them.

 

James looks confused. “Why? We’ve talked about startup ideas for years. And now we’ve got some cash for capital so we won’t have to ass-kiss a bunch of VCs. Or not as many, anyway.”

 

Sirius glares at James. “We talk about a lot of things, Prongs, but that doesn’t mean shit. I’m not going to- if you’re so gung ho about starting some shitty company and investing ninety hours of your time every week for the next five years to move full speed ahead towards guaranteed failure, then get your own fucking money to piss away.”

 

The look of condescension on James’ face makes Sirius want to slap him. “Pads, you can’t sit around in a dead end job forever. We’ve been out of school for a year already. We’ve got the opportunity to do something for ourselves, and you’re content to just let it pass? Grow the fuck up.”

 

“What is wrong with you that you can’t just let people live their own lives? Why do you have to  _ push _ all the time? Like  _ you _ know what’s best for everyone. Look at yourself. You can’t even pick out a pair of shoes without losing your shit.”

 

“Cut the drama, Black.” James’ voice is calm, which only infuriates Sirius further. “I’m not talking about shoes. I’m talking about our future. I’m not trying to push you into anything you don’t want to do, I’m only trying to get you off your ass for the things that you  _ do _ want to do-”

 

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to do  _ that, _ okay? So, good news, you can lay off me.” Sirius struggles to control the volume of his voice. “Would it kill you to mind your own fucking business for once? Honestly, even if it would, I’d say it’s worth the risk at this point.”

 

“Whoa, looks like it’s time to head out to the train.” Peter is standing behind the couch, looking at his phone, his eyes widened exaggeratedly. “Come on, let’s get going. Lily will be waiting for us by the south entrance.”

 

Dorcas and Marlene mutter their goodbyes under their breath as the hurry out the door. James punches Sirius hard on the shoulder before heading out as well, ruffling Remus’ hair as he passes by.

 

As the door slams shut, Remus turns to Sirius, one eyebrow raised. “So… is it too early to start drinking?”

 

“It’s never too early to start drinking, Moony.” Sirius grins, some of the tension leaving his body at the sight of the smile playing at the corner of Remus’ lips.

 

 

**_Monday, May 19, 2014, 10:34 pm_ **

 

Sirius doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to stop laughing. Remus’ impression of the new engineer is so spot on. Tears are streaming down Sirius’ face as Remus imitates the look of bad ass nonchalance that had been on the new girl’s face as she’d fearlessly stomped the fake rat that the marauders had hidden under her desk, per tradition for every new hire.

 

It doesn’t hurt that he and Remus are sitting on the couch together, facing each other, each leaning against an armrest with their feet tangled in the middle. Remus seems much more relaxed than he has been in awhile, in Sirius’ company, at least. Sirius isn’t sure if it’s due to the bowl they’d smoked earlier, the deep dish vegan pizza they’d ordered in from Paxti’s, or the greyhounds they’ve been knocking back, using up all of the grapefruit that James and Peter had bought for their breakfast this week. 

 

Sirius doesn’t care what the cause is. All he cares about is that Remus is sitting with him, laughing and joking, just like they used to. Just as it should be.

 

“Oh, man, Pads. Is it weird that it’s good to be back in the office? I got a lot done working from home, but I dunno. I missed you guys. It’s good to be back.” Remus is smiling as he finishes off his drink, leaning over to place his glass on the ground.

 

Sirius is smiling as well, but his smile starts to falter as he notices Remus chewing on his lower lip, the way he does when he’s thinking about something heavy. Or rather, overthinking.

 

“Moony, are you alright? Has… did everything go alright last week? When you were- while you were getting your space?”

 

Sirius tries not to wince as Remus unconsciously runs a hand along his collar. Most of the bruises and scrapes have healed, but there’s the faintest hint of a particularly deep scratch along his neck that still makes Sirius twinge with guilt every time he sees it.

 

“I’m fine, Pads. It was good to get some time to myself. I mean, y’all are great, but sometimes things can be overwhelming in this house, you know?” Remus smiles brightly- too brightly, Sirius thinks, as he watches Remus hastily change the subject.

 

“Don’t let Prongs stress you out, okay? He means well. It’s cool that your uncle left you something, with the way your family is. Good looks, right? He knew what was up. Don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to. Prongs always listens to you. As much as he listens to anyone, that is.”

 

Sirius snickers, even as he keeps a close eye on Remus’ body language. “I know, Moony. He just gets excited. Whatever. You want another drink?” He gets up and leans over to grab Remus’ empty glass.

 

“As long as we aren’t out of grapefruits yet.” Remus leans back, stretching his legs out to occupy the empty space. “You’re an excellent bartender, Pads. Drinks like this would be fifteen dollars a pop in the city.”

 

“They’d be more than that if you include tip. Let’s be real, I’m worth a two dollar tip per drink, Moony.” Sirius feels lighter as Remus rolls his eyes and laughs. He loves being able to make Remus happy. Especially since he hasn’t been able to do so for longer than he cares to think about.

 

As Sirius is passing by the sound system, the song switches over to  _ Changes _ by Tupac.  One of the marauders’ classics, obviously. Sirius is surprised when he hears Remus speak up from behind him.

 

“Change the song, Pads.” There’s an edge to Remus’ voice that knocks Sirius slightly off kilter. Sirius stops, turning around to look at Remus questioningly.

 

“What’s wrong with Pac? You love this song.”

 

Remus looks uncomfortable as he fiddles with his collar some more. “I know, just- not tonight. Change the song.”

 

Sirius narrows his eyes. “What for? Why are you getting all riled up?”

 

“I’m not.” Remus’ voice has gone low and steady, a sure sign that something is wrong, the fucking liar. “I just don’t feel like listening to it right now.”

 

“Stop being cagey, Moony.” Sirius knows he should be more tactful, he  _ does, _ but he also knows he’s not going to be able to. “We’re having a chill night, and then all of a sudden Pac comes on, and you get all messed up, so clearly-”

 

“It’s  _ nothing, _ okay? Fuck’s sake, you’re worse than Prongs with your- it’s just bringing up some shit, okay? Shit I don’t want to deal with right now. Because this is supposed to be a chill night.” Remus is pressing a hand to his temple, as though he’s trying to stave off a headache. Sirius is beginning to worry. What sort of shit is Moony talking about? Something from that night in the city? Shit, something that happened last week at Caradoc’s? Something that Caradoc did? 

 

Sirius is getting angry. If that fucking crater-dimpled shithead did anything to Remus, Sirius is going to Uber up to Berkeley right this very second and pound the ever loving shit out of him. He flips off the sound system, abandoning the empty glasses on the coffee table as he pushes Remus’ feet out of the way to sit back down on the couch.

 

“Did something happen, Moony? Why are you- you can tell me, okay? Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I was an asshole last weekend, but if that fucking shithead did anything to you while you were staying with him this past-”

 

“Pads! Calm down, for crying out loud- this has nothing to do with Caradoc. Well- I mean, it does, but not like that.” Remus looks miserable as he draws his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

 

Sirius is confused, and possibly a little drunk, so he’s not completely sure what’s going on, but he’s tired of waiting around for Remus to spill his inner musings. “What are you talking about? You’ve already come this far. Just spit out the rest of it.”

 

Remus sighs, closing his eyes tightly. “I don’t know, okay? It’s just- last week was rough. Caradoc’s roommate was out most of the time, and it was just the two of us and…”  Remus trails off, looking up at the ceiling for answers.

 

Sirius is trying very hard not to lose his shit. “Moony, what the fuck happened? Just tell me. You can’t say something like that and then leave me hanging.”

 

Remus sighs heavily. “Nothing happened, it’s just… he’s such a cool guy, you know? He was thoughtful, and considerate, and just so…  _ nice _ all week. And he likes me, Pads. He likes me. For real. But I can’t… I just don’t feel the same way.”

 

Sirius feels relief flooding through his veins. This is the best news he’s heard in weeks. It takes all of his dubious self control not to pump his fist in the air with glee. “Moony, what’s wrong with that? If he’s not right for you, then that’s that. Just move on. Probably best for both of you to make a clean break before things get too intense.” That sounds sufficiently sympathetic and balanced. Sirius mentally pats himself on the back for such a slick comment.

 

“That’s what I always do.” Remus’ eyes are locked with Sirius’ in an intense gaze. “You were right when you said I never keep anyone around for long. I can’t- I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t maintain a relationship with someone as perfect as Caradoc. Someone who shares all my interests, respects me, doesn’t stress about my medical stuff, actually  _ cares _ about me- Shit, Pads. I thought maybe things would be different with him, since we’re from the same background and he  _ gets _ where I’m coming from, but I just can’t... what is wrong with me that I can’t return those feelings?”

 

Sirius feels his stomach turn in knots as he watches Remus rub one eye morosely. This is not how he’d imagined their conversation going. “Look, Moony, it’s not- just because someone seems perfect doesn’t mean it’s a good fit, you know? We’re young. So, Caradoc isn’t the right person for you. That doesn’t mean the right person isn’t out there.”

 

Sirius feels like he’s quoting some shitty rom-com movie, but he doesn’t know what else to say. He hasn’t prepared for this contingency. Remus looks unfazed by Sirius’ commentary as he replies.

 

“I know we’re young, but… I’ve dated a lot of people. And it’s never- I’ve never been able to make anything stick. You were right. There’s something wrong with me. Something that makes me incapable of sticking with someone.”

 

“I’m never right, Moony. You tell me so all the time. Don’t change shit up now.” Sirius feels slightly dizzy, either from the greyhounds or from his own nervousness, but he charges ahead anyway.

 

“The thing is… I didn’t say those things to you because I believed them. I said them to be a tool. Because I was jealous that you’d found someone you liked, and I was… figuring things out for myself, and I was confused, and scared, and shit, Moony.” Sirius takes a deep breath before continuing. “Look. I’m asexual. I just figured it out. Or I’ve started to. And it’s new and complicated and I was just being an ass. So take anything I said under the influence of vodka and sexual confusion with a grain of salt, okay?”

 

Remus looks vaguely surprised for a moment, eyes wide as he chews on that lower lip. Sirius is fairly sure he’s going to vomit up pizza and grapefruit juice if Remus doesn’t respond soon.

 

“So, you’re asexual, as in, you’re not attracted to anyone? Like, physically?” Remus has his head tilted to one side, not blinking as he stares curiously at Sirius.

 

Sirius takes another breath before answering. “Yeah, that’s right. I mean I’m still into people romantically- or, into dudes romantically, I guess. So yeah, gay and asexual, I guess. That’s me.” Sirius wills himself to shut the fuck up and stop babbling so he can pay closer attention to Remus’ reaction.

 

His heart starts pounding even faster as a slow smile spreads across Remus’ face. “That… actually makes a lot of sense, Pads. You being ace. And gay. Now that I think about it.” A short burst of laughter escapes from Remus’ lips. “Shit, Pads, I‘m glad you finally figured it out. You should start coming out on queer Thursdays with us. There are plenty of ace people in the scene. I mean, not a ton, but enough. Especially with Pride next month. Everyone comes out of the woodwork for meetups and rallies and shit.”

 

Sirius lets out a shaky sigh of relief. “So, you get it then? The ace thing?”

 

Remus shrugs. “In general, yeah, I guess. I mean, every ace person I’ve met is different, you know? Just like every pan or bi person. We’re not all the same, either. We’ve got our preferences and shit. We’re not a monolith.”

 

Sirius snorts. Even slightly wasted, Remus’ vocabulary remains on point. “Yeah I get it. Like, for me, I’m not grossed out by sex or anything. At least not completely. I don’t know it’s- I feel like it could be okay, with the right person, but I get uncomfortable, and…” He trails off, looking back up at Remus, anxious to see how he’ll react.

 

Remus leans forward to pat Sirius on the knee. “Pads, you don’t have to explain. That’s your business. Anyone who asks you about your sex life when they find out you’re ace is just being creepy, and you should tell them to fuck off.”

 

Remus smiles as he gives Sirius’ knee a squeeze. Sirius can’t believe this is happening. Remus is reacting exactly the way he hoped, even though he knows it’s too good to be true, has to be too good to be true. Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe Sirius should bring up his feelings to Remus. No pressure, of course, but it can’t hurt to make Remus aware of what’s going on in Sirius’ head. Maybe it’s a good idea to tell Remus now, and give him some time to think things over. Better than keeping things bottled up the way Lily always yells at him for doing.

 

Sirius is distracted from this train of thought as Remus squeezes his knee again, gently. “It’s really awesome, Pads, that you’re being honest with yourself. I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing with me. You know I’ll support you no matter what, right? We all will.  Oh, actually, who else knows? Just so I don’t say anything awkward.”

 

Sirius glances down at Remus’ hand, smiling a bit. “Prongs knows. And Lily. She helped me figure things out, I guess. I, um... thanks, Moony. For understanding. It means a lot to me.” 

 

This is it. Steeling himself, Sirius places a hand over Remus’, which is still resting on his knee. He’s got to remain calm. Completely fucking chill. “Speaking of all this… um… I’ve been wondering about… since you seem to understand the whole ace thing… would you… that is to say, um... would you ever consider dating an ace person?”

 

Sirius’ heart is pounding in his chest as he looks down at their intertwined hands. This is it. Remus is going to look up at him, smiling, and lean in for a kiss. He’ll tell Sirius that of course he’d be happy to date an ace person, so long as that person is Sirius. He’ll confirm that he doesn’t care about the sex part, that he’ll be willing to go slow as they figure things out. He’ll offer to let Sirius rest his head in his lap as his fingers tangle through his hair. James and Peter will make fun of them in the morning, laughing at how adorable they look, now that they’ve finally got things out in the open.

 

Sirius’ blood runs cold, however, when he looks back up to see a blank expression on Remus’ face. This isn’t a good sign. Neither is it a good sign when Remus slides his hand out from under Sirius’, scrunching closer to his end of the couch.

 

“Theoretically? Of course I would. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, Pads. Like you said- the right person is out there. For you.”

 

Sirius’ jaw drops. Remus can’t possibly be this obtuse. “Moony, I wasn’t- I wasn’t asking theoretically, I was asking more literally. If you would date an ace person. If you would-”

 

“I already said I would, Pads.” Remus is standing up quickly from the couch, running a hand through his tight curls as he hastily rattles out the rest of his reply. “I’m pretty beat. I’m heading to bed. Good night, Pads. And don’t worry. We’ll all support you.”

 

He pauses to squeeze Sirius’ shoulder as he makes his hasty retreat to his bedroom. Before he knows what’s happening, Sirius finds himself alone in the silent living room, staring at the empty space on the couch.

 

Remus knew what Sirius was going to ask. He has to have known. Sirius scowls to himself. Fucking Remus. Either he’s lying to Sirius and isn’t interested because of the asexual thing, or he’s lying to himself and won’t acknowledge any interest for some ridiculous Remus-y reason. Sirius isn’t sure which option is more infuriating.

 

He stands up, intending to barge into Remus’ room and demand answers, but a small voice in the back of his head reminds him that he should probably wait until he’s slightly more sober, considering what happened the last time he confronted Remus under the influence. It’s been barely a week since the last time he let his emotions about Remus run away with him. Sirius feels his stomach clench unpleasantly at the memory of the markings that Remus still bears on his neck, thanks to Sirius lashing out.

 

A smaller, harsher voice whispers to him that he doesn’t need an explanation. The most obvious motivation for Remus’ behaviour is that he‘s put off by the ace thing, because honestly, why wouldn’t he be? People say they’re fine with these sorts of things in theory, but in practice, things are always more complicated. The voice, which sounds suspiciously like his father, reminds him of a lesson he learned long ago as a child.

 

_ “People lie, Sirius. People pretend to be fine with such things, but behind closed doors, they find it vile. You should not believe them. People might say that they will accept this sort of thing, but they are lying. They will always think less of you. Do you understand?” _

 

Sirius tells both voices to shut the fuck up as he makes his way to his own bedroom, debating the merits of locking himself inside permanently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Spotify playlist is also updated:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> Next week, Sirius runs away to Alaska and becomes a hermit. Well, that's his plan, anyway. Lily and James might be able to talk him out of it.
> 
> I love hearing what you think! You can leave a comment here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo). This was a tough scene for me to write as an ace person, so I'm here to chat if you need it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silence and succulents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TW unless you hate guacamole, which apparently is a thing. (Blasphemy!) If so, tread lightly in section 2.
> 
> Thanks to Wereflamingo, Mirgaxus and reachthetree as always! FYI reachthetree just posted an adorable AU where Sirius sleeps with Remus for research purposes whilst writing a smut scene. 10/10 recommend, look it up.
> 
> Special should out to puppylovele for stopping me from throwing my laptop out the window this week. <3

**Thursday, May 22, 2014, 12:17 pm**

 

“Pads? Come eat with us.” James is standing in front of Sirius’ desk, kicking his chair lightly. 

 

Sirius sighs as he looks up at James morosely. “Give me my vermicelli bowl. I’ll eat here. I’ve got work to catch up on.”

 

“Bullshit. You might have work to catch up on, but you’re not going to do it.” James waves the paper bowl full of noodles in Sirius’ face. “Come on, you need some fresh air. Lily and I are going to sit outside in the courtyard. Moony’s sitting in the SOMA conference room with the Prewetts. You won’t have to deal with any awkward drama.”

 

He gives Sirius’ chair one last kick. “I’m taking your food outside. You better come out before I eat all your tofu.”

 

Sirius drags himself out of his chair, following James towards the back door to the courtyard. As he passes by the SOMA conference room, he spots Remus sitting with some people from the Product team, talking and laughing. Gideon Prewett is sitting awfully close to Remus, the creeper. For the first time ever, Sirius is grateful for the existence of Caradoc. There’s no fear of Gideon hitting on Remus while he has a boyfriend- or, at least, there’s no fear of Remus being susceptible to his flirting.

 

Lily is waiting for them in the courtyard, sitting at the picnic table with her own vermicelli bowl in front of her, which she is dousing with liberal amounts of sriracha. James sits across from her, setting Sirius’ bowl down next to him. Sirius drops heavily onto his seat, being sure to elbow James in the ribs as he swings his feet over the bench.

 

“Pass the sriracha, please.” Sirius sticks his hand out to grab the bottle from Lily. She hands it over, raising one eyebrow.

 

“How are you doing? Is Rem talking to you yet?”

 

“Yes. He proposed marriage this morning. We’re heading to Vegas after work to elope.” Sirius is staring at her deadpan, not appreciating the smirk on her face.

 

“Moony’s still ignoring Pads and refuses to be alone with him.” James looks at Lily as he twirls a fork in his noodles. “Pads isn’t really making much of an effort to talk to him, but that’s probably for the best. Moony needs his space, you know? If you pressure him too much, he splits.”

 

“That may be so, but they can’t have this stalemate forever.” Lily sticks her fork into James’ bowl to snag a piece of tofu. “And you know Rem’s not going to be the one to make the first move. Sirius is going to have to talk to him, once he figures out what to say.”

 

“I can hear you, you know.” Sirius shoves a forkful of noodles into his mouth as Lily looks over at him, rolling her eyes.

 

“I know you can hear me. I’m saying this for your benefit. Talk to Rem. You’ve got to take care of this before one of you says something you’ll regret.”

 

“You mean before I say something I’ll regret.” Sirius is talking with his mouth full on purpose, but Lily seems unfazed.

 

“I was trying to be polite about it, but yeah. Before  _ you _ say something you’ll regret. Think about the last two times you had a major chat with him. First, you trampled all over his emotional insecurities. Then, you propositioned him seconds after coming out. You need to come up with a plan, Sirius, because you’re pretty shitty when you work off the cuff.”

 

Sirius is scowling. “I didn’t proposition him! Fuck’s sake, I’m ace!”

 

Lily and James are laughing now, the shitheads. Sirius doesn’t see what’s so funny about his life going to hell. Lily seems to notice his distress as she stops laughing, leaning across the table to give his hand a squeeze.

 

“I didn’t mean it like that, Sirius. I just mean that he was probably reeling a bit from all the information you dropped on him, and... it probably wasn’t the best time to tell him about your feelings.”

 

“Well, you weren’t there. It felt right at the time.” Sirius is staring into his bowl, pushing a scallion back and forth. “I blame the greyhounds. James, I told you not to go cheap on the vodka.”

 

“I’ve told you before, Russian Standard is just as good as Ketel One, and that’s what was on sale at the BevMo.” James looks bemused as he continues to shovel noodles into his mouth.

 

“You  _ would _ say that. Honestly, you have no taste.” Sirius flicks a peanut out of his bowl, letting it skitter across the table. “If we’d been drinking Ketel One, I’d have been able to stay calm, and I would have been more chill about the whole thing.” 

 

He sighs deeply, resting his elbow on the table so he can prop his head up on his hand. “Not like it would have mattered. Moony doesn’t want to date me. He wouldn’t want to even if he had all the time in the world to think about it. Not that I blame him.”

 

“Why would you say that?” James looks genuinely taken aback, which Sirius does not find surprising, since James is a clueless asshole who has no grasp of how romantic relationships work.

 

“I’m asexual, James. Remus isn’t.” Sirius says this in a matter-of-fact tone, even though his stomach is knotting uncomfortably.

 

“So what? He’s not some random at the bar looking for a hookup. He’s our  _ Moony. _ He likes you.” James still looks confused.

 

Sirius is growing irritated now. “Yeah but he’s not- just because you like someone doesn’t mean you want to date them. By that logic, you should want to date me.”

 

“I wouldn’t say I like you-  _ Ow!” _ James groans as Sirius punches him hard on the arm. “Fine. Asshole. That comparison makes no sense, because you’re gay and I’m not.”

 

“No, it makes perfect sense, because I’m asexual and Remus isn’t.”

 

“How does that make sense? Identities don’t have to match. Are you saying that since Moony is pan, he should only date other pan people? That’s ridiculous. Besides, Lily is pan and I’m not, and I-” James abruptly shuts his mouth, looking back at his lunch with renewed interest.

 

Sirius feels slightly better as he watches Lily’s face flush a bright crimson. Still, he’s annoyed that James doesn’t seem to get it. “That’s not the same thing. Being ace is different.”

 

“I thought you said Rem was cool with it, though?” Lily is looking at him suspiciously. “Did he say something to make you feel otherwise?”

 

“No.” Sirius frowns as he thinks back to their conversation earlier in the week. “It’s not that- he said it was cool, and that I shouldn’t let people give me shit for it, but come on. People say positive shit like that all the time, but they don’t  _ mean _ it.”

 

“Oh really? You don’t think Rem meant it?” Lily looks skeptical.

 

Sirius growls in frustration. “No. it’s not- I’m sure he meant it when he said he’d support me and whatever. But he’s not saying it because he’s actually cool with it. He’s only saying shit like that because we’re friends and he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. With the way he ran out of the living room, like he had a gun to his head....” 

 

Sirius feels his shoulders slump. “He might say he accepts me, but he doesn’t. Not really. Not enough to want to be with me. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and it’s naive to pretend otherwise.”

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Lily’s tone is sharp now, her eyes narrowed. “I’m trying to be supportive here, but  _ come on. _ You two are perfect for each other, and it’s really frustrating that you two assholes are the only ones who can’t see it. Remus is being cagey, sure, but I guarantee you that it’s  _ not _ because he thinks less of you for being ace.”

 

“How do  _ you _ know?” Sirius’ voice sounds harsh, but there’s a small flutter of hope in his chest.

 

“I know because I’ve spent the past two years watching you and Rem fawn over each other like the clueless lovesick losers that you are. Especially for the past six months or so, before Caradoc. You two were basically dating, Sirius, and if you had bothered to give Rem any indication that you wanted more, he’d have probably jumped at the chance. Or at least taken the time to consider it.”

 

Sirius’ eyes widen as he stares at Lily, who is shaking her head at him. He hadn’t realized that anyone else had noticed them getting closer. He looks over at James, who is nodding his head in agreement. Shit. Maybe it wasn’t all in Sirius’ head. Maybe it was real.

 

Sirius is thoughtful as he spears a piece of tofu with his fork, putting it in his mouth and chewing slowly. “I did think… well. It doesn’t matter, because he ended up dating again.”

 

“Yeah, in a pathetic attempt to move on from you. Clearly.” James is nonchalant in his response, as if this was a self evident fact.

 

“Well he and Caradoc are on the rocks now, and I’ve made my move. So what’s keeping him from ditching Caradoc and hooking up with me? The only reason that makes sense is the ace thing.” Sirius doesn’t feel happy about disagreeing with their assumptions, but he’s also not going to lie to himself. Not anymore.

 

“Honestly, Sirius. There are plenty of reasons.” Lily puts down her fork and starts holding up her fingers as she counts off reasons.

 

“For one thing, he’s still technically dating Caradoc, and he’s not a cheater. He’s going to have to sort that out before he starts anything with you. He’s also probably just hella overwhelmed by all the new information. You know how he gets. He needs time to process. Also, he’s never been in a long-term relationship, has he? That has to be a little daunting. And he’s also probably worried about screwing with your friendship. You guys have been tight for years. Plus you live together. That’s a lot of pressure.”

 

“What pressure?” Sirius is confused now. “We’re already best friends. We spend all of our time together. How could being an official couple make things weird?”

 

Lily looks at him in disbelief. “Sirius. Relationships change things. Being friends with someone is different than being in a relationship. You know this. Isn’t that why you want to date him? Because friendship isn’t enough? It’s not the same?”

 

Sirius nods begrudgingly as Lily continues.

 

“I mean, once you’re friends with someone, and you realize you want more, it’s so tempting to want to go further. But it’s also scary, because what if it doesn’t work out? Then you’ve lost a relationship  _ and _ a friendship all at once and it’s…” Lily trails off, looking down at her vermicelli bowl as she blushes furiously.

 

Sirius is about to say something shitty when he notices that James is staring at Lily intently, a pathetic look of hope plastered across his face. Sirius wants to laugh at them both. How can they say he and Remus are clueless when they’re just as bad?

 

“I see your point, Lily. But isn’t it worth the risk?” Sirius is grinning mischievously as Lily and James both pretend not to notice the teasing tone in his voice.

 

“Whoa, just got an email from Verizon. Pads, we’ve gotta get back to work.” James is looking at his phone, as if he gives a shit about being prompt in his email responses.

 

“Yeah, well. Me too.” Lily smiles a little too brightly as she stands up, gathering their empty bowls and the sriracha bottle. “I’ll throw these out. Talk to you later.” She hurries away, ignoring the shit-eating grin that’s plastered across Sirius’ face.

  
  


**_Thursday, May 22, 2014, 6:34 pm_ **

 

“I told you we should have asked for the guacamole to be spicy instead of mild. This is bullshit.” James’ complaining doesn’t stop him from stuffing a chip heaped with guacamole into his mouth and reaching for another.

 

“Guacamole isn’t meant to be spicy. It’s supposed to cut the spice.” Remus grabs the chip that James was reaching for, dipping it in the guacamole with a smirk.

 

“What spice? The spice of the tortilla chip?” James grabs the chip from Remus’ hand, popping it into his mouth. “That makes no sense, Moony, and you know it.”

 

“For fuck’s sake can we order dinner already? I’m starving.” Peter is tapping his fingers impatiently on the menu.

 

“Simmer down, Wormy. I’ll get the server over here in a second.” James looks around the restaurant, but before he can catch the eye of a server, he sits up straight in his chair. 

 

“Holy shit! It’s Amr Awadallah!”

 

The other three marauders look at each other blankly. James looks personally offended at their lack of recognition.

 

“Amr Awadallah? The co-founder of Cloudera? The company that raised nine hundred mil in funding this past March?” James looks appalled at the three blank faces staring at him. “The fuck is wrong with you people that you don’t know who he is? He’s an entrepreneurial legend!”

 

“Was he on the back of the Peanut Butter Panda Puffs Cereal box this month? Because if not, we don’t know who he is.” Remus’ somber tone has Sirius and Peter cracking up, even as James remains flustered.

 

“You three- how do you live here and not know- I’m going over and introducing myself. Think he knows Dad already, but still. Wormy, you coming?”

 

Peter chokes on his margarita, snorting salt up his nose. “What the fuck? Why would I want to meet him?”

 

James rolls his eyes. “You wouldn’t want to. I just need someone to come with me. Make it seem less creepy.”

 

Peter looks confused. “How is it less creepy to ambush this guy as a pair rather than doing it solo?”

 

“I don’t have time to explain it to you right now!” James looks agitated. Sirius refrains from pointing out that saying _ I’m a chicken-shit who needs some sort of non-threatening backup to approach this dude _ would take mere seconds. Instead, he keeps his trap shut, impressed with this newfound maturity.

 

James drags Peter out of his seat towards the poor bastard who’s just trying to enjoy his chile rellenos in peace. Sirius looks across the table at Remus. They’re both laughing, relaxed together for the first time this week. It feels good, Sirius thinks to himself as he takes a sip of his margarita.

 

After lunch, James had declared that tonight would be a marauders’ night out. Everyone had been game. Maybe they all needed some chill time together, away from the stress of work and relationships and drama.

 

“So, what are the odds that Prongs is going to get slapped with a restraining order by the end of the night?” Sirius grins as he grabs a chip from the basket.

 

Remus laughs as he pulls the basket of chips away from Sirius. “Not funny, Pads. Prongs is fine. He’s over eager, but he’s not creepy. Let him network. That’s the only reason why people come to places like this anyway.”

 

“Places like this?” Sirius raises an eyebrow.

 

Remus chews on his lower lip thoughtfully as he gestures around the dining area. “You know. Places like this. Where the big shots and posers hang out, eating overpriced, inauthentic ethnic food. Guacamole shouldn’t cost fifteen dollars.”

 

Sirius peers at Remus intently. He’s been slow on the uptake before. This time, he wants to be sure he understands what Remus is saying. “Everything is overpriced around here. What are you talking about?”

 

Remus stares at the guacamole, poking it with a chip. “I don’t know. It’s just… it’s so surreal, you know? Being here. Like, how did I even  _ get _ here? I’m just some kid who- I’m not- this isn’t  _ my world,  _ you know? I’m not supposed to be chasing down entrepreneurs and spending twelve dollars on a margarita, and I’m definitely not supposed to be enjoying it.”

 

Sirius pauses to think for a moment before responding. “Moony… you can’t think like that. I mean, look at me. I’m supposed to be licking ass at a VC firm right now. I’m supposed to be turning up my nose at fifteen dollar guacamole. Life isn’t- this isn’t feudal times. We aren’t born into our futures. Can you really imagine me following in my family’s footsteps?”

 

Remus is still fiddling with that fucking chip. “No, but you’re- you’re still a part of this. You still fit in here, even if you don’t want to.”

 

Sirius lets out a snort of laughter as he drags his finger around the rim of his margarita, gathering up the salt. “That’s just a fancy way of saying I’m trapped. I know, I know, it’s not the same thing.” Sirius holds a hand up, even though Remus has made no attempt to protest. “It’s not the same thing. It’s nowhere near the same thing. But it’s still hard, Moony. I don’t fully get what you’re feeling exactly, but I  _ get it, _ a little.”

 

Remus leaves the chip stuck in the guacamole as he looks at Sirius carefully. “I know, Pads. I know. You get it. It’s not the same thing, but it’s similar enough.” Remus sighs as he leans back in his chair, fiddling with the napkin in his lap.

 

Neither of them say a word as the minutes tick on. Sirius wonders if it’s awkward for him to drag the basket of chips back towards his side of the table. Before he can come to a decision, Remus shoves the basket over to him.

 

“Caradoc and I are done.” Remus’ tone is neutral, betraying no emotion.

 

“Oh, really? Since when?” Sirius is pleased to hear that his voice is not betraying any of the glee that he’s feeling at the moment.

 

“Since yesterday, when we went out for drinks. I ended it.” Remus is still staring down at the napkin in his lap. Sirius fights to keep his own feelings under control as he clears his throat. 

 

“Oh? Um, well... I’m sorry. He was… um… I guess breakups always suck, right?” Sirius curses inwardly at his shitty wording. Why can’t he talk to Remus the way Lily talks to him, with calm, rational arguments that always seem to make sense?

 

“Yeah well, after our talk, I figured you were right. No point in dragging things out. He’s a good guy. He deserves someone who returns his feelings. He shouldn’t have to suffer just because I’m fucked up.”

 

Sirius reaches across the table, grabbing Remus’ hand and holding it tightly. Fuck being subtle. That’s not the way Sirius Black does things. “Moony, you aren’t fucked up. We’re still young.  Just because Caradoc wasn’t the love of your life doesn’t mean shit.”

 

Remus is staring at Sirius’ hand, wrapped around his own so intimately. He’s not pulling away.   “Pads, I appreciate the thought, but it’s not- you don’t have to-”

 

“I know I don’t have to do anything. Shit, Moony, when’s the last time I did  _ anything _ that I didn’t want to do?” Sirius’ tone is light, but he’s being completely sincere. Remus still isn’t moving his hand away. Sirius feels a surge of confidence as he leans slightly over the table.

 

“Moony, you’re not- just because shit seems good on paper doesn’t mean it’ll work. This isn’t calculus, for fuck’s sake.” Sirius isn’t sure if he’s making any sense or providing any comfort, but Remus’ hand is still there, not moving, so Sirius takes this as a sign that it’s safe to proceed.

 

“Look, why don’t we get out of here and get some real food? That dude actually seems interested in what Prongs is talking about. We could be waiting around all night before he’s ready to order dinner.” He gestures over to Amr Awadallah’s table, where the entrepreneur and James are talking fairly animatedly, while Peter gazes longingly at the abandoned chile rellenos.

 

Remus snickers as he grabs his margarita with his free hand. “Are you sure? We could stay here and order a few more rounds on James’ dime.” He raises the glass to his lips, but before he can take a sip, Sirius is reaching out and pulling the glass away.

 

“Not tonight, Moony. Let’s not- let’s get coffee instead, okay?”

 

Sirius’ heart is pounding as Remus stares at him, still chewing on that lower lip infuriatingly. A small smile is dancing on his lips as he looks back down at Sirius’ hand, which is still resting atop his own.

 

“Alright. Let’s dine and dash. Without the dining.” Remus slides his hand out from under Sirius’ as he gets up from the table and heads towards the door. Sirius is quick to follow, grabbing the basket of chips as he leaves, a surge of excitement and hope filling him as he steps out behind Remus into the cool evening air.

  
  


**_Thursday, May 22, 2014, 8:06 pm_ **

 

Sirius looks over at Remus, who is sitting next to him on a bench in Stanford’s cactus garden.  He reaches out his hand to take the vape pen filled with pot from Remus’ fingers. Remus hands it over without a word, looking out at the succulents.

 

They haven’t said much over the past hour. Sirius is worried about scaring Remus off again, so he’s kept his trap shut. Remus doesn’t seem to be interested in conversation, either. They had walked silently to Curry Up Now for samosa burritos, which they’d eaten outside on the patio, watching as some snotty kid threw a tantrum when his froyo tumbled out of his cup and onto the ground.

 

They had swung by Peet’s for coffee and a vegan cookie, which they split as they made their way down University Avenue. They hadn’t discussed where they were headed; they’d just kept walking, until eventually, they’d wound up here, at Stanford, surrounded by cacti. 

 

Remus isn’t going to be the first one to speak. That much is obvious. Sirius knows he has to be the one to say something, but he’s just so fucking  _ terrified. _ He can’t fuck this up, not again. There are only so many times that he can traumatize Remus before he finally snaps. As he exhales a cloud of smoke, he turns to Remus pointedly, gathering up his courage and attempting to remain calm.

 

“I’m sorry. For everything.” Remus looks over at him questioningly, but says nothing. Sirius figures it’s as good a sign as any to continue.

 

“I’ve been an asshole. Like, moreso than usual.” Sirius wants to look away, to give Remus some space, but he can’t bring himself to break their eye contact. 

 

“I know I’ve been throwing a bunch of shit at you. I’m just- I’ve just been confused, and I’ve been so focused on my own shit that I haven’t been taking anyone else’s feelings into account. So, I’m sorry.”

 

Remus starts shaking his head immediately. “Pads, you don’t have to-”

 

“Yes, I  _ do.” _ Sirius struggles to keep the note of annoyance out of his voice. “I was an asshole, and I need to apologize. Fuck, Moony, this isn’t- don’t tell me I don’t have to. We both know that’s a lie, and it doesn’t make me feel any better to hear you say it. If you want to make me feel better, accept my apology, but only if you really mean it.”

 

Remus’ eyes widen a bit in surprise. “I… I’m sorry- um, I mean…” He takes a deep breath, eyes still fixed on Sirius. “I accept your apology. I mean it. It’s fine, Pads. I know you. I know you’ve always got my back.”

 

Sirius feels a bit calmer. Remus has never accepted an apology before, not as far as Sirius can remember. It’s time to ask for another one. He takes another hit before putting down the pen and continuing.

 

“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable the other night, when I told you about the ace thing. I get it, you know. It’s a lot to take in, even if you’re cool with it in general. And I- I guess even though I didn’t manage to spit it all out, you know how I feel. About you.”

 

Remus looks guarded, but Sirius keeps talking, not wanting to give Remus a chance to clam up before he gets everything out. “It doesn’t have to change anything, okay? I just- I wanted you to know. And now you do. And that doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it. I understand why you wouldn’t.”

 

“What do you mean?” Remus is looking at him curiously.

 

Sirius shrugs. “Well, you know. Besides the fact that I’m a huge asshole-” He pauses to shove Remus, who’s snickering.

 

“Shut up! Anyway, besides that, I know the ace thing is tough to deal with. Like, in a relationship. I get why you wouldn’t want to, and it’s okay.”

 

Remus looks thoughtful, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t disagree. Sirius feels a little sick. Even though he knew this is how the conversation could possibly play out, it still hurts. Shit, it hurts more than he thought it would.

 

“Pads.” Remus looks nervous as he picks at a splinter of wood on the bench. “I don’t… it’s not that the ace thing is a  _ problem, _ exactly. It’s just that all of this is so new to you, and how do you  _ know-” _ Remus laughs a bit, running a hand through his curls as he shakes his head.

 

“Look, I’m not completely out of it. I know you like me. I’ve always known. It’s fairly obvious with the way you were constantly scaring off my hookups. But then you’d get so  _ defensive _ when Prongs made jokes about it, like the idea of us together was so  _ insulting,  _ or something. So I never thought… but then when I stopped dating, we started getting closer, and I thought maybe things would change, maybe you’d- but you  _ didn’t, _ and then I met Caradoc, and everything went to hell-”

 

Remus stops talking, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a moment before looking back at Sirius. There’s an intensity in his eyes that’s throwing Sirius off-kilter, making his stomach clench tightly either from nerves or from excitement. Possibly both.

 

“And now, all of a sudden, you’ve got it all figured out. You’re ready to jump right in, but, I don’t know… I don’t- I’m not willing to lose you when you decide you don’t want me after all.”

 

“What the- why are you so sure that’s going to happen? Why wouldn’t I want you?” Sirius narrows his eyes at Remus, the asshole. He’s dumping Sirius before they’ve even started dating. Typical.

 

Remus snorts derisively. “I mean, I’ll make a list of my flaws if you want, but really, it’s not even about me. You said you still aren’t sure about the physical stuff, so… what happens if we try it out and you decide that it was all a mistake, that you don’t want  _ anything _ with me? To be that close to you, and then have it taken away… I can’t- it’ll crush me, Pads.”

 

“Moony,  _ no.” _ Sirius reaches out to grab Remus’ shoulder. “This isn’t- the physical stuff is my problem, not yours. If it ends up being too much for me, then I’m still going to want to be with you. The question is, will  _ you _ still want to be with  _ me, _ without the physical stuff?”

 

Remus looks incredulous. “Pads, of course I’d still want to be with you. It’s just- it would be an adjustment. I’ve never had a relationship that wasn’t about-  _ that. _ I don’t know if- not that I  _ can’t _ have a relationship without sex, but what if I’m not good at it? It’s not like I’ve got a great track record. What if I can’t give you  _ anything _ that you want?”

 

Sirius is laughing now, tears welling up in his eyes. Remus looks perturbed as Sirius removes his hand from Remus’ shoulder to wipe at his eyes.

 

“Shit, Moony.” Sirius catches his breath between gasps of laughter. “Do you know how fucking frustrated our friends have been with me since you’ve been with Caradoc? You’re not the only one I’ve been a shitty asshole to, you know. I’ve been a fucking wreck since you two got together. The thought of you with anyone else- Moony, I can’t, okay? I can’t  _ not _ be with you. Not if it’s my choice. If you finally wake up one day and realize, hey, Sirius is a jackass and I can do better, well, then I guess I can’t stop you from leaving. I mean, I’ll still try to, of course, because I’m a selfish asshole, but- Moony, there is no possible way that I’d be the one to leave.”

 

Remus is chewing on his lower lip, looking at his feet. “People always say that, Pads. They say they won’t leave, but they do. That’s just the way things are. No one sticks around forever.”

 

Sirius nudges Remus’ shin with his own toe. “Moony, I’ve been harassing you for five years now, and I’m not tired of you yet. Shit, it’s just the opposite. I mean, I’ll give you the whole speech about how no one knows what the future holds and all that shit, but-”

 

Sirius places his hand on the bench, inching it slightly closer to Remus. “All I’m asking for is a chance. I swear, Moony, I won’t fuck it up if I can help it.”

 

He sneaks a glance over at Remus, who has a small smile on his lips as he places his hand on the bench next to Sirius’. Remus takes a shaky breath as he studies one of the cacti intently. “This could be bad, Pads. This could mess everything up. If we did this, I mean.”

 

Sirius feels his heart pounding in his chest, his own breath catching as he replies. “It won’t mess anything up. I won’t let it. I promise.”

 

Remus doesn’t say anything as he moves his hand tentatively to cover Sirius’, letting their fingers interlace. He gives Sirius’ hand a gentle squeeze as he shifts on the bench so that they’re sitting closer together.

 

Sirius can’t keep the grin off his face as he turns to look at Remus, who’s still staring at that fucking cactus, trying to bite back a smirk of his own. Impulsively, Sirius bends down and presses a quick kiss to his cheek.

 

Remus turns to face him, eyes wide in surprise. Sirius feels his cheeks burning, but the smile on Remus’ face is all the encouragement he needs. He raises his hand to cup Remus’ jaw, pulling him in for another kiss, a real one this time.

 

Their lips brush together softly, slowly. Remus raises his own hand to tangle in Sirius’ hair, holding him close as the kiss deepens. Remus is careful to follow Sirius’ lead, never pushing further than Sirius himself initiates.

 

It only lasts a few moments before Sirius pulls back, not sure if he needs to lie down or jump up and do a victory lap around the park. He’s still grinning like a jackass, as is Remus, chuckling a bit as he rests their foreheads together, closing his eyes for a moment.

 

Sirius didn’t know that kissing could be like this. It’s not that it’s  _ hot _ , exactly- he’s certainly not popping a boner or longing to do something more, the way other people always seem to be when they start kissing- but the fact that it’s Remus’ lips against his, Remus’ eyes looking up at him, Remus’ thumb gently brushing his cheek… it makes his chest swell up with something warm and comforting. Something special.

 

He scoots even closer to Remus, throwing his arm over his shoulder and pulling him close, burying his face in those curls for a moment as they sit in comfortable silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate all of you who are following along, you keep me motivated to stay on schedule. You might notice there is no music this week. That was deliberate. The pups needed their full concentration.
> 
> Next week, the gang hits the road for Memorial Day, in varying degrees of undress.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @nachodiablo posting marauder and wolfstar ridiculousness.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Khakis and kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: there is some sexual content in the third section. It’s not overly graphic, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then slip past Remus and head on downstairs to hit up the tequila.
> 
> Thanks to Mirgaxus and Wereflamingo for their input this week!
> 
> Spotify playlist is updated as well:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> General note: Sirius is just one person on the asexuality spectrum. He’s not meant to represent asexuals as a whole. We’re a varied bunch, with different levels of comfort regarding physical intimacy, just like anyone else.

**_Friday, May 23, 2014, 11:56pm_ **

 

“FA Squadron, are you there? This is Alpha Squadron. Over.” Remus’ voice is exaggeratedly deep as he speaks into the walkie talkie.

 

“FA Squadron? The fuck is FA Squadron? For the last time,  _ we’re _ Team Alpha. Over.” James’ voice is scratchy as it echoes in the Prius. James, Reg and Peter are driving next to them on the 80 towards Sacramento.

 

Sirius winces a bit as he focuses on keeping both hands on the steering wheel. “Shit, Moony, turn that down, will you? Prongs is so loud we probably don’t even need to use the walkie talkies. No need to jack up the volume to eleven.”

 

Remus flips James off through the passenger seat window before fiddling with the volume, pausing to flash a grin at Sirius before replying. “FA stands for Forever Alone, you asshole. Over.”

 

“What the fuck?” James sounds indignant as Dorcas, Marlene and Sirius all snicker. “That’s pretty rude. This is why you’re not Team Alpha. Over.”

 

“No, we are most definitely  _ not _ Team Alpha, we are  _ Alpha Squadron, _ and you started this when you tried to make us Team Breeder. I’d explain to you why that’s offensive if it made any sense at all in the context of who’s in this car. Over.”

 

“I told you I didn’t mean it like that!” James sounds irritable as Marlene and Dorcas make hideous faces through the back window. “I was trying to think of some way to be shitty about you all being paired up. I just fucked up the wording.”

 

“And that’s why  _ we’re _ Alpha Squadron.” Remus is smirking as he speaks into the walkie talkie. “Also, you forgot to say ‘over.’ Now come on, we’re almost in Sactown. Are we stopping for gas? I don’t want to run out on the 50 again. We’re lucky we weren’t turned into lampshades the last time. Over.”

 

He switches off the walkie talkie to turn towards Marlene and Dorcas in the back seat. “I swear, it was like that movie? Deliverance? We had to walk two miles to this gas station in the mountains run by a dude wearing overalls and no shirt.”

 

Dorcas shudders, leaning back in her seat and pulling Marlene against her chest. “Mountain people are weird, yo. It’s like a whole ‘nother country. Or worse, like teleporting to Mississippi.”

 

“Wormy says if we’re going to be FA Squadron, FA will stand for Fucking Awesome. Over.”

 

“If you say so. We all know what it really stands for. Over.” 

 

“Shut the fuck up. Hey, Moony, did you see that bear we passed at the last milepost? Over.”

 

Remus sighs heavily before replying. “No, I did not see the bear, because we didn’t pass one. Bears don’t hang out by the highway. Over.”

 

“Obviously they do, because we saw one. Fuck’s sake, don’t you read the news? Bears are everywhere these days because we’re stealing up all their territory. A black bear was spotted in Orangevale like, a month ago. Just chillin’ in suburbia. I think he was caught in the Starbucks drive through on his way to his kid’s soccer practice. Over.”

 

Remus closes his eyes with a grimace. “Orangevale is on the other side of Sac. You didn’t see a bear. I guarantee it. I swear I can’t- this is the wombat all over again. Over.”

 

“The wombat was real okay?! And so was this bear, I’m telling you! Wormy and Reg saw- whose side are you on here, Reg? You saw it! You said you did! What do you mean, you were  _ humoring _ me? I don’t need this kind of abuse from you assholes. Moony, forget it, FA Squadron is going rogue. I need to shore up my troops. Over.”

 

Remus rolls his eyes. “Anyway. Thanks for answering the original question, by the way. Are we stopping for gas or what? Over.”

 

“Yeah fine. There’s a Circle K coming up in a couple of exits. I think. I’ll know it when I see it. FA Squadron will lead the way once we get closer. Over and out.”

 

“Roger. Over and out.” Remus flips off the walkie talkie and sticks it in the door compartment, reaching a hand up to squeeze Sirius’ shoulder. “You doing alright? Need to change out, or will you be good to keep driving?”

 

Sirius smiles at the feel of Remus’ touch. “I’m good, I’ll just grab an energy drink. Besides, it’s not like I’ve got anyone to take over for me.” He gestures towards the backseat, where Marlene and Dorcas are making out fairly intensely. 

 

Remus snickers. “I need to get my learner’s permit one of these days.”

 

“Yeah, you never know. Next place you wind up might not have public transport.” Sirius regrets the words the moment they’ve left his mouth. He sneaks a peak at Remus, cursing his thoughtlessness. Remus has stiffened slightly as he looks out the window, making eye contact with Peter, who is sitting in the backseat of the other Prius, and pulling a nasty face at him.

 

Sirius bites his lip. He shouldn’t have said anything. He’s been thinking of asking Remus about grad school, about what his next steps are for the rest of his life, but ever since last night, after he and Remus kissed, things have been so fucking perfect that he hasn’t had time to concentrate on anything else. Besides, this is all so new. Sirius doesn’t want to start delving into the heavy subjects just yet. He wants to focus on the good shit.

 

Sirius has a boyfriend. For the first time in his life, Sirius actually has a real boyfriend, and honestly, he can’t remember ever being this happy. He’s constantly got a ridiculous grin hanging off his face. He was chipper to everyone in the office earlier today, even Snape, who seemed more offput by Sirius’ upbeat attitude than he usually is with Sirius’ regular dose of shit talking. 

 

Remus spent last night in Sirius’ bed, curled up against his back, his breath hot and comforting against Sirius’ neck, his arm tucked tightly around Sirius’ waist.  Waking up this way made for the best morning Sirius can remember having in a long time, even with James and Peter goggling at them like they were a pair of particularly adorable zoo animals from the doorway. Waking up in Remus’ arms, as Remus’ chosen partner, made Sirius feel protected, cared for. It felt _ real. _

 

They still haven’t done much, as far as hooking up goes. They haven’t had time, apart from last night and a few stolen hours this afternoon prior to getting on the road. Sirius isn’t used to taking this part of things slow. Sirius’ collection of regrettable experiences had needed very little prior build-up. Not that he’s planning on going  _ too _ slowly this time, of course. Sirius has basically waited five years for Remus already; he’s not planning on dragging things out any further than necessary.

 

They’ve kissed, obviously, but even something as innocuous as kissing has so many layers to explore. Kissing with tongue is fine, but Sirius loses interest after awhile. When Remus runs his tongue along the curves of Sirius’ neck, he gets kneed in the junk, accidentally of course. Kisses on his shoulders, upper arms, and wrists are more gracefully accepted, and although Sirius can’t say that he feels any sort of significant excitement in his boxers from the actions, they definitely make him feel cherished as Remus gently presses his lips to those more intimate areas.

 

Remus, however, is fair game as far as kisses go. Sirius has kissed every inch of Remus from the waist up over the past twenty eight hours. It’s strange, really, to see Remus sigh, and shudder, and bite back moans as Sirius runs his tongue and lips over the planes of Remus’ chest, licking the scars that fan out across his side, scraping his teeth along those delicate collarbones. Sirius doesn’t understand  _ why _ these things make Remus come undone, but he doesn’t need to understand why. He only needs to know that they  _ do. _ He might not get it himself, but making Remus gasp with pleasure, knowing that he’s reacting that way because of what  _ Sirius _ is doing… It fills him with a warm, fuzzy feeling, and a desire to push Remus further towards… whatever it is that he’s chasing.

 

Sirius still remains slightly confused. It’s not like he doesn’t jack off. He does. He gets it. Orgasms feel good. Whatever. Why another person needs to be involved is still a mystery, however. Still, if that’s what Remus wants, Sirius is going to give it to him. Soon.

 

Sirius reaches over to rest a hand on Remus’ thigh. He grins to himself as he feels Remus’ fingers sliding over his own. He’s never going to get tired of this. He’s going to remain a brainless spaz for the rest of his life.

 

He taps one of his fingers against Remus’ thigh. “Moony? Turn up the music. I can hear the girls sucking face and it’s getting distracting.” Remus laughs as he grabs his iPhone and scrolls through his playlists. A few seconds later, Tupac is claiming that he  _ don’t know why your girl keeps paging me  _ as  _ I Get Around _ fills the car.

 

Sirius taps Remus again. “Moony? Moony! Tell Reg he has to admit that we were right about getting on the road so late. Not one spot of traffic. Tell him he’s an asshole for doubting us.”

 

Remus dutifully grabs the walkie talkie and fires it up. “FA Squadron, do you read me? Over.”

 

“Loud and clear. Begin transmission. Over.” Reg sounds very professional in his response. Sirius snorts out a laugh. Reg is still the same nerd he was at age fifteen, just with a slightly better haircut. He turns up the volume on the sound system.

 

At first, Sirius hadn’t been all that hyped about Reg tagging along for the Memorial Day long weekend, the first Tahoe trip of the (still not quite warm enough) summer, but James, the traitor, had posted about it on Facebook. Reg claims that he had been shitfaced when he’d messaged James about coming along as a joke. Not that it had mattered. By the time he’d sobered up, James had already assigned him a bedroom and roped him into coming along for a pre-trip BevMo run. 

 

Sirius couldn’t find it in his heart to protest much after Reg had texted him a quick thank you for the invite, mentioning that now he had a reason to be out of town during their parent’s annual Snooty Networking Catered BBQ From Hell.

 

“Reg, Sirius wants you to admit that leaving at ten pm was not a weird idea, since we’ve managed to avoid all traffic. Over-augh!” Remus jumps as Sirius pinches him. “He also wants you to know that you’re an asshole for doubting us. Over.”

 

“I’ll admit to that only if you agree to turn down your music. I can barely hear you. Over.”

 

“NEVER! WE DO WHAT WE WANT!” Marlene has come up for air to wrestle the walkie talkie away from Remus. “TURN IT UP, BRUH! OVER!”

 

Sirius turns up the volume a little more, grinning as he fiddles with the bass settings. Marlene holds the walkie talkie up to the speaker for a few seconds before screeching, “OVER AND OUT, FOOL,” into the mic.

 

There’s no response. Sirius taps his hand against the steering wheel in time to Pac’s beat.

 

“LOOK AT YOU, NOW LOOK AT US,” Sirius jumps as Lil Wayne and 2 Chainz crackle over the walkie talkie at an earsplitting level. A second later James and Peter are talking over the rappers’ voices to change the lyrics.

 

“FA SQUADRON LOOKS RICH AS FUCK!”

 

Sirius shakes his head, sneaking a peek at the car to their right. They’ve been driving side by side along the 80 for the past forty five minutes (at five below the speed limit) to ensure easier mocking, conversation and general assholery. James is cackling madly, though his eyes are still glued to the road and his hands are gripped firmly at ten and two. Reg is leaning against the passenger window, looking slightly bemused at the scene in front of him. Peter’s head is shoved over the console in between them, walkie talkie in hand as he laughs.

 

Remus rolls down the windows and jacks up the music until the whole car is shaking. James and Peter do the same in their car. Sirius is pretty sure that all of Sacramento can hear them approach as their music blends together into a horrifying mess. Sirius is positive that the racket has to be scaring off every bear within a five mile radius.

 

NEVER TALK TO THE COPS, I DON’T SPEAK PIG LATIN

_ IT’S A LOT OF REAL G’S DOIN’ TIME _

I TURN A PENNY TO A MOTHERFUCKIN’ JANET JACKSON

_ CAUSE A GROUPIE BENT THE TRUTH AND TOLD A LIE _

 

Sirius feels Remus’ hand rest on his thigh tentatively. Sirius feels himself grinning again like a jackass.

 

WHAT’S YO NAME? WHAT’S YO SIGN? ZODIAC KILLER

_ CAUSE I ONLY GOT ONE NIGHT IN TOWN _

ALL RATS GOTTA DIE, EVEN MASTER SPLINTER

_ BREAK OUT OR BE CLOWNED, ARE YOU DOWN? _

 

Sirius drops one hand from the wheel to rest atop Remus’. He’s  _ really _ looking forward to the rest of this weekend.

 

_ I GET AROUND. _

 

 

**_Sunday, May 25, 2014, 10:27pm_ **

 

“Reg, could you  _ be _ any more conspicuous? Walk near the trees, not down the middle of the beach.” Sirius is scowling as he turns back to look at Reg, who’s wandering aimlessly out of the shadows and into plain sight. “And what the- are you wearing a belt? Who the fuck wears a belt to the beach?”

 

Reg looks down at his crotch, then back up at Sirius, annoyed.  _ “Sorry. _ I didn’t realize there was a such a strict dress code for night swimming.”

 

“Obviously you  _ did _ think there was a dress code because you’re in a fucking belt and khakis.” Sirius looks over at Marlene and James. “Which one of you let him out of the house like this?”

 

“He’s not  _ my _ problem. I’m a professional and I don’t fucks with amateurs.” Marlene flips her hair as she moves closer to Dorcas, who turns to her, grinning. 

 

“Damn right you don’t.” She snickers and runs an arm around Marlene’s waist, pulling her close.

 

“Everyone shush! Reg, you look fine. Dorcas and Marls, keep up. Pads, worry about your own pants. I’m not grabbing them for you if we need to make a break for it.” James doesn’t turn around from the head of the group as he hurries onward. 

 

Remus snickers, threading a hand through Sirius’. “Aren’t you going to yell at me too, Dad?”

 

“Don’t make me come back there, Moony.” James flips him off without looking.

 

Eventually, the group makes it to a particularly secluded section of the beach. James stops, turning around to face everyone. “Alright, since we’ve got some newcomers, I’ll review the plan, just so we all know the drill.” James looks pointedly at Reg, who rolls his eyes, though his cheeks color slightly.

 

“The cars are three quarters of a mile to the west. If anyone comes, play it cool, unless it’s the cops, then scatter, but no more than two in a group. Any and all clothing is fair game to grab in case of an escape, so don’t be picky. Except you, Reg, you’re stuck with those khakis. That’s your penance.”

 

“It’s cold, okay? I thought long pants would be smart.” Reg sounds defensive as the others snicker.

 

“Alright, let’s get to it. Down to the shore, then all the junk shall be FREED!” James runs towards the dark water, stopping a few feet from the shore and quickly stripping naked. He makes sure to pants Peter before diving into the water, shrieking quietly at the drastic temperature change.

 

Marlene, Peter, and Remus strip completely, while Dorcas stays in her boxers and binder as per usual. Everyone is pointedly not looking at Reg as he fiddles with his belt, looking down at the sand as he shakes his head.

 

Sirius is smirking as he drops his own shorts and pulls his sweatshirt over his head. “No need for performance anxiety. The water’s cold. We aren’t expecting much.”

 

Reg looks over at him sharply. “I’m not- I’ve just never…” He gestures to the water where the rest of the group is splashing in the shallow waves.

 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “I thought you said you’ve skinny dipped before?”

 

“Well yeah, but like… in my boxers. Or in trunks.” Reg is biting his lower lip as his hands hover around the waistband of his Burberry boxer briefs. 

 

A short burst of laughter escapes as Sirius scrapes his hair back into a messy ponytail. “That’s just called swimming, Reg. But if you want, keep the underoos on. No one cares.”

 

Reg looks over at him briefly before taking a deep breath and pushing his briefs downward, letting them pool at his feet. “No. I’m in. I’m all in. Let’s go.” He gives Sirius a shove before running to the water. Sirius chases after him, pushing him into the water as soon as they make it to the shoreline.

 

Sirius gasps as he enters the freezing water. He quickly makes his way over to Remus, wrapping his arms around his waist tightly and pressing a kiss to the nape of his neck. Remus shivers slightly, and Sirius smiles to himself, enjoying the knowledge that it’s not just the temperature of the water Remus is reacting to.

 

“Keeping warm?” Sirius whispers in Remus’ ear as he tightens his arms. Remus turns to place a kiss to Sirius’ cheek.

 

“Quit it, you perv.” Remus is snickering at himself as Sirius pulls him into deeper water.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a very positive influence.” Sirius wishes everyone else would leave so that he and Remus could have some time alone. His stomach tightens a little at the thought of what would be expected if they  _ were _ alone, but he is quick to shake off his unease. Things with Remus will be different, because  _ Remus _ is different. Remus cares about him. Surely, that has to count for something.

 

They’ve spent the last two days surrounded by their asshole friends. At the casinos, in the bars, on the beach, at the rental house, there’s always someone else underfoot. Sirius appreciates that things aren’t weird now that he and Remus are official, but he’s jonesing for some solo time with Remus.

 

“That’s it, there are too many couples on this trip! I’m going to have to start a threeway with Wormy and Reg to keep them from feeling left out.” James starts splashing Sirius and Remus as Sirius drags Remus behind Peter, flipping off James and making a face.

 

Dorcas quickly bundles Marlene into her arms. “Let’s make a break for it, babe. We’ll go behind those rocks and play Siren and Sailor.”

 

“Ugh, you guys can be cute later. Let’s play a game. Marco Polo?” James is squinting through his glasses, which are covered with water droplets. 

 

“Boring! How about a chicken fight?” Marlene leaps onto Dorcas’ back, laughing.

 

“Nice! Moony, you in? We always win together.” James is grinning widely. Remus chuckles, untangling himself from Sirius’ arms and swimming over to James.

 

“I’m ready. Marls, buckle up, ‘cuz you’re going up against the champs right now.” Remus positions himself behind James, counting to three before jumping up to sit on his shoulders in a surprisingly smooth movement as James crouches a bit to steady him. “Wormy, you be the ref! The girls play dirty.” 

 

Peter moves over to stand between the two couples, looking very grave as he holds up one hand.

 

“Alright, the game starts on my signal. Three… two… one… IT’S ON!” Peter moves his hand down sharply to smack against the water. James and Dorcas charge towards each other, letting Remus and Marlene get close enough to start pushing and grabbing playfully, attempting to knock each other off into the water.

 

“Shit! It’s fucking cold up here!” Marlene’s teeth are chattering as she reaches down to tickle Remus on the ribs.

 

“AUGH! No tickling! Wormy, call foul on the ticking!” Remus is smacking Marlene’s arm with one hand as he uses the other to splash her. “If it’s so cold up here, you should dive back into the water.”

 

“Smooth move, Lupin, but I don’t break so easily.” Both of Marlene’s hands are now on Remus’ arms as she tries to shake him off James’ shoulders. Sirius grins indulgently as he watches Remus put up a valiant defence, managing to stay on his perch without being too rough on Marlene, making sure he doesn’t push her too hard. Remus is always this way, he thinks to himself. Of course he’ll be this same way later tonight, when they finally get some time alone.

 

“Are you guys always this mature?” Sirius jumps as Reg sneaks up next to him, talking quietly. Sirius narrows his eyes as he looks over at his baby brother.

 

“We’re not forty, you know. We’re in our twenties. We’re allowed to be immature assholes. Shit, around here, people are allowed to be immature assholes until they’re at least fifty.”

 

“Simmer down. Jeez.” Reg shoots Sirius a scornful look. “I’m not saying anything like that, I just mean… this is different. Than what I’m used to.”

 

Sirius snorts. “What, people having fun is different that what you’re used to?”

 

“Don’t be an ass. But, yeah, kind of.” Reg is silent as he watches Remus ruffle James’ mess of hair. “You like him. A lot.”

 

Sirius shoves Reg’s shoulder, hoping that the chill of the water doesn’t show his flushed cheeks. “Yeah, well. So what?”

 

Reg shrugs in a deceptively disinterested manner that reminds Sirius disturbingly of their mother. “Nothing, just. You know. It’s nice.”

 

“What’s nice? Gathering some sort of intel to take back to the parentals about what a disappointment I am?” There’s an edge to Sirius’ voice that he doesn’t bother trying to soften. He’s still not sure exactly where Reg’s loyalties lie. It hasn’t been that long since their rooftop chat. It took Sirius himself sixteen years to escape his fucked up family. Some days he’s not sure if he ever made it out completely.

 

“It’s nice to see you happy. For once.” Reg’s voice is quiet as he looks at the dueling couples, avoiding Sirius’ gaze. “He seems chill.”

 

“He  _ is _ chill. Asshole.” Sirius is grumbling as he acknowledges Reg’s compliment. Remus is perfect and deserves all the credit in the world, even if it  _ is _ coming from Reg.

 

“So… what’s your plan, exactly?” Reg looks over at Sirius, raising an eyebrow skeptically.

 

Sirius scowls at Reg. “The fuck do you mean?”

 

“Come on. Don’t be like this. You  _ know _ what I mean.” Reg’s response is slow, drawling, and thoroughly irritating. “James mentioned that you’re shitting on all of his startup ideas. Not that I blame you- he’s got good ideas, but so does everyone else in this cesspool. He’s got to be able to back it up.”

 

“Are you shitting me right now? Are we really talking business while we’re buck naked in Lake Tahoe? The fuck sort of reality am I living in?” Sirius is shaking at he attempts to halfheartedly hold back his amusement.

 

“Shut up! I’m just- it’s just… never mind. Jackass.” Reg is scowling at Sirius. “Fine then, what’s your plan, if you’re not going to use Uncle Al’s money to help James waste all  _ his _ money?”

 

Sirius bites his lower lip thoughtfully. “I dunno, man. Remus’ll go to grad school. I know he will. And he could wind up anywhere. I don’t want to-” He cuts off that thought sharply. It’s none of Reg’s business, he reminds himself. It’s none of his business what Sirius does.

 

Reg sighs deeply. “Oh, good lord. Don’t tell me you’re going to follow your  _ boyfriend _ around to wherever he ends up.”

 

Sirius pokes Reg sharply on the shoulder. “Shut the fuck up. And so what if that’s what happens? Why do you care?”

 

Reg shrugs again. “I don’t  _ care, _ not like that. It’s just- he’s not going to like it. You, following him around, like some sad puppy. That’s not you, and he knows it.  _ You _ know it.”

 

Sirius grits his teeth. “Fuck you. You don’t know- I don’t need to make some grand statement about my fucking life. And if I did, it wouldn’t be any of your-”

 

“Hey! What the- You’re not supposed to be swimming! There’s no lifeguard on duty!”

 

Sirius, startled, looks over towards the shore. A rent-a-cop is walking towards the water, waving a flashlight defiantly. His eyes pop open as he sees a naked James running towards the shore, struggling to get Remus off his shoulders without dropping him. Sirius laughs loudly as he turns to Reg.

 

“I hope you can run fast, baby bro. And I hope you aren’t too attached to those fucking khakis.” He pushes Reg underwater before darting out of the waves, grabbing his sweatshirt, Dorcas’ board shorts, and Remus’ hand before darting away towards the trees.

 

 

**_Monday, May 26, 2014, 12:32am_ **

 

Sirius is sitting on the edge of the bed in the far bedroom on the second floor of the shitty AirBNB that James booked at last minute. His hair is still damp from his shower, but he’s too antsy to care. The rest of the crew is downstairs, making their way through two bottles of Kah Reposado. Sirius hates tequila. Even the good shit gives him the worst hangovers after only a few shots. He’s not planning on heading back downstairs to join them in their quest to ensure that they have to pull over every fifteen minutes on the way home so that someone can puke on the side of the road.

 

Sirius jumps as he hears the bathroom door down the hall open with a creak. Remus is out of the shower. Fuck. Sirius has been waiting for Remus to get out, but now that he  _ is _ out, he’s getting nervous.

 

No, not nervous. Sirius Black doesn’t get nervous. Besides, there’s nothing to be nervous about. Not with Remus. Remus said he’ll still want Sirius even if the physical stuff doesn’t work out, and Remus doesn’t lie. Not to other people, at least. Lying to  _ himself _ is a different story, one that Sirius really doesn’t want to think about right now.

 

Remus looks surprised as he steps into the bedroom, Sirius’ borrowed mesh shorts hanging too low on his narrow hips. He’s not wearing a shirt. He closes the door behind him, walking over to Sirius with a confused expression as he bends down to kiss his forehead.

 

“I thought you’d be back downstairs. It’s still early.” Remus is rummaging through his bag now, moving aside about seven pairs of socks until he finally pulls out a black tshirt, which he pulls over his head.

 

“They’re starting in on the skull tequila. No gracias.” Sirius laughs, trying to keep his tone lighthearted. Remus laughs along with him as he runs a hand through his hair.

 

“I’m not dealing with tequila tonight, either. We’ve got Ketel One, though. You up for bartending?” Remus grins as he heads towards the door.

 

Sirius takes a quick breath before responding. “Um, no. Not really.”

 

Remus pauses with his hand on the door handle, turning slowly to face Sirius. “Oh.” He’s chewing on his lower lip, looking completely adorable. He meets Sirius’ gaze, walking over and sitting next to him on the bed. “You want to go to sleep? I’m fine with that.”

 

“No.” Sirius turns to look at Remus, moving his hand to rest on his knee. “No, I don’t want to sleep.”

 

Remus coughs, raising a fist to rub his eye before resting it on top of Sirius’. “Pads, you don’t have to- it’s hasn’t been- um…”

 

Sirius scowls. “I know I don’t have to. I  _ want _ to. I want to try.”   
  


Remus looks uneasy as he peers at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. Sirius leans over to kiss him, cupping his cheek with his right hand. Remus sighs as he leans into the kiss, resting one hand tentatively on Sirius’ waist as they move closer together.

 

Kissing Remus is different than kissing other people, for sure. Remus is cautious, letting Sirius take the lead on how quickly things ramp up. He doesn’t take kissing as an immediate invitation to jump straight into junk manhandling, as most of Sirius’ past partners have done. When Sirius is ready to stop, Remus always smiles and obliges him, without making him feel bad for no doubt leaving him with blue balls.

 

Still, in other ways, kissing Remus is the same as kissing anyone else. Sirius still doesn’t feel that passion, that wanting, that  _ urgency _ that everyone else seems to feel when they start kissing. He’s comfortable with it, he enjoys it, to an extent, but that’s about as high as his excitement level gets.

 

Sirius tries not to think about his disappointment as he and Remus fall back onto the bed, tangled in each other’s arms. Sirius deepens their kiss, running his hand through Remus’ curls and sucking hotly on his lower lip. Tonight isn’t the time to think about how fucked up he still is. Tonight is the time to push things forward, to test his boundaries a bit, to see exactly how far he’s able to go. 

 

He manages to roll on top of Remus, pinning him to the bed, straddling his hips, staring down at him with a smirk. Remus is breathing heavily, staring up at Sirius in awe. Sirius might not feel the same yearnings as everyone else, but being able to reduce the usually calm and collected Remus into a quivering mess beneath him gives Sirius a warm, happy feeling. He likes knowing that he’s able to make Remus feel these things, even if he can’t experience them himself.

 

Sirius presses his lips to Remus neck, licking and biting and sucking his way gently down to Remus’ collarbone. He grins happily into the crook of Remus’ neck as he hears Remus groan quietly.

 

_ “THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO THAT PILLOW, WORMY?  I’M GOING TO HAVE TO BURN IT NOW! MARLS GET SOME FUCKING HOLY WATER OR SOMETHING!” _

 

“Shit.” Remus covers his eyes with his hands, shaking with laughter. “Those assholes- let me just-” He sits up a bit so he can grab his phone from the nightstand, fumbling with it until his Spotify starts playing at random. He cringes a bit as  _ Breezeblocks _ by alt-J starts up. “Um, not the best mood music, I can-”

 

“It’s fine.” Sirius is grinning as he pushes Remus back onto the bed. “It drowns out the assholes downstairs. That’s all we need it to do.” Sirius doesn’t mention that this song’s ending refrain reminds him of Remus, has  _ always _ reminded him of Remus, even before they got together, even though he knows that this is one of those snooty songs where the words don’t mean what they say.

 

Remus has no further comment as Sirius makes his way down to the hem of his shorts, pulling them over his thighs and off his legs, leaving Remus’ dick exposed, hard and thick in front of him. Sirius has done this part before, not  _ that _ many times, but enough to feel confident in his skills. 

 

It’s even easier because it’s  _ Remus, _ whose reactions he can read fairly accurately. As Sirius sucks on the head of Remus’ dick, working the shaft with his hand, he adjusts his movements as he takes into account Remus’ sighs and moans, taking Remus’ dick down his throat a bit before pulling back up to focus his tongue on the underside of the head, the part that makes Remus moan the loudest.

 

Sirius feels a thrill rush through him as Remus comes in his mouth, lifting his head to stare down at Sirius, calling out his name in a strangled whisper with his fingers snarled in Sirius’ damp hair.

 

This is definitely awesome, even if it’s not making him want to fuck Remus into the mattress in return. Being able to make Remus pant and shake as his head falls back against the pillow is a rush that Sirius can easily see himself becoming addicted to.

 

“Was that…” Remus leaves the question unasked as Sirius makes his way back up to press a kiss to his lips softly. Remus smiles at him before moving his hand down to lightly brush against Sirius’ own dick, which is hard, thanks to the grinding and groping and the fact that it’s past his regular pre-sleep jack-off time.

 

“Do you want- I can-” Remus seems hesitant as he strokes Sirius’ dick through his boxers. Sirius shifts to lie back on the bed, allowing Remus to loom over him, looking down in trepidation.

 

“Yeah. If you want- I mean, we can try.” Sirius struggles to keep his breathing even as Remus leans in to kiss him again, carefully bypassing his neck to brush his lips over the skin beneath the sleeve of his tshirt. He shifts to the middle of the bed as Remus pulls Sirius’ shorts off, grinning wickedly before descending onto Sirius’ dick with such vigour that Sirius is taken slightly aback.

 

Sirius immediately curses himself for thinking he was pretty good at giving head, because Remus most definitely knows what he’s doing. Every movement is perfect and practiced, and shit, Remus looks so fucking  _ ecstatic _ when he sucks Sirius’ dick down to the base, deepthroating like a champ, and Sirius knows this is supposed to be fucking awesome, supposed to make him be choking back screams, and yet-

 

Al he can think about is how  _ wet _ everything feels, how Remus’ hand and mouth and throat are working together perfectly, so in synch that it should be good, it’s  _ supposed _ to be good,  _ more _ than good, but it’s just… not. It’s fine, Sirius supposes, and he leans back and closes his eyes, focusing on his dick, trying to block out everything else, wondering how pissed Remus would be if he jumped in and lent a hand, because it’s just not-

 

“Pads?” Sirius’ eyes flutter open as he looks down at his crotch to see Remus staring up at him questioningly.

 

“Pads, are you- can I do something different? What do you like?”

 

Sirius’ heart breaks a bit at Remus’ question. “It’s not… I don’t know. It’s fine, I just need to… I can make this work, if I just…” He gestures vaguely at nothing, as though Remus will be able to understand what’s going on in his fucked up mind by a simple wave of the hand.

 

Apparently, it works, as Remus sits up with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Look, Pads, how about… why don’t you just take care of yourself tonight, okay? And I’ll watch, and see what… um…” Remus flushes as he leans over to press a kiss to Sirius’ lips chastely. Sirius feels his own cheeks burning a bit as he chews on his lower lip.

 

“Um, you want to… okay but, can I- I mean- like… I’ve never…” Sirius stops talking as Remus sits up and leans against the wall, not saying a word as Sirius looks down at his own dick curiously. He’s never done this before, jacked off with someone else just sitting there, watching, but it’s not like he’s embarrassed. He’s still got traces of Remus’ jizz on his breath, for fuck’s sake. He shifts slightly into a more comfortable position before grabbing hold of his dick and starting his usual jack-off routine. 

 

It feels easier this way. More natural, more enjoyable. Sirius doesn’t have to think about anyone, or worry about the feeling being off, or grit his teeth as he suffers through touches that just aren’t  _ right. _ He closes his eyes, not thinking of anyone or anything as he strokes himself to his usual rhythm, gripping his dick firmly under the head, enjoying the familiar feeling of approaching orgasm, inhaling sharply as he comes all over his own fingers, sighing in satisfaction as he basks in the relaxed feeling of the afterglow.

 

He’ll admit that he’s surprised when he opens his eyes to see Remus gazing at him intently, stroking his own dick at a frantic pace, his eyelids half closed and his breath shallow as he rapidly brings himself to another climax, pressing his head back against the wall as he comes. Sirius blinks a few times before reaching over to the nightstand to grab a couple of tissues, passing a few to Remus before taking care of his own sticky situation.

 

“Um, was that- you liked that? Watching me?” Sirius is a little baffled, honestly. He’s not sure what’s so sexy about watching another dude jack off. That seems like something private and mundane, like brushing your teeth or something. Well, maybe not  _ that _ boring, but still. Nearly everyone does it. What’s the appeal in watching someone else do it?

 

“Yeah.” Remus crawls over to lie next to Sirius, wrapping his arms around him in a warm embrace. “I just- I wish I could do that for you, you know? Make you feel that way.”

 

Sirius feels his stomach tighten. Fuck. He hadn’t thought about that part. He’d thought that if he was able to get Remus off, then things would be fine. He turns to lie on his back, looking up at the ceiling for a minute before closing his eyes tightly.

 

“I’m sorry.” Sirius’ voice is hollow as he wills himself to melt into the sheets and disappear.

 

“No, don’t- shit,  _ I’m _ sorry.” Remus is shaking his shoulder, forcing Sirius to open is eyes and look at him. Remus looks crestfallen as he looks down at Sirius, running a hand along his cheek.

 

“I don’t want you to think that- Pads, I- I’m in this for the long haul, okay? There’s shit I’ll have to get used to, but that’s the same for anyone. I- please, Pads.” Remus’ expression is so forlorn that Sirius softens immediately, pulling Remus’ face down for a kiss before turning on his side and grabbing Remus’ arm to drape around his waist, snuggling closer as Remus sighs contently into his hair.

 

The light’s still on and the music’s still playing, but Sirius wants to take in these few silent moments before dealing with reality. He realizes with a start that Remus has accidentally set  _ Breezeblocks _ on loop play when he turned on his Spotify. Sirius closes his eyes tightly as he attempts to ignore the lyrics, focusing on the hand resting lightly on his chest, the soft breath dancing gently over the back of his neck.

 

_ Please don’t go, please don’t go, _

_ I love you so, I love you so, _

_ Please break my heart. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find me posting about wolfstar and other marauders crap on Tumblr (@nachodiablo).


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discourse and Declarations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally made it to BFD! No TW for this chapter, it’s all fluffy mischief and mayhem. Thanks as always to Mirgaxus and Wereflamingo for all the handholding this week!

**_***FLASHBACK, 5 YEARS PRIOR***_ **

 

**_Saturday, June 6, 2009, 7:05pm_ **

 

“See, Remus? I told you it’d be fun.” James has his arm thrown around their new roommate, as of last night. Remus looks a bit apprehensive as James lurches a bit. Sirius groans inwardly. He shouldn’t have let James have so many margaritas on top of the weed and whatever pills Remus’ shady ass blond friend has stashed in his back pocket.

 

“Yeah. I got to see Taking Back Sunday live. What a thrill.” Remus has a small smirk on his face. Sirius laughs as their eyes meet. Remus is pretty cool. He’s kinda reserved, for sure, but who wouldn’t be around James? 

 

“You liked Mutemath though, didn’t you?” Sirius is pleased to see Remus’ face light up as he nods in agreement. He’s cute when he smiles like that. Not that Sirius cares. He shouldn’t care, anyway. He’s embarrassed himself enough around cute boys in high school. No need to keep the trend going now that he’s graduated.

 

Sirius turns to the blond kid. What’s his name again? Todd? Pete? Frank? Something boring and mundane. Sirius decided not to chance it by guessing. “Hey, mind passing that?” He reaches his hand out expectantly.

 

Blond dude has a friendly smile on his face as he takes one last drag from the joint, passing it over to Sirius. “Sure thing, here you go. Hurry up though, we should be headed to our seats. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs take the main stage soon.”

 

Remus perks up at this. “Really? Nice! Karen O can do no wrong in my book.” 

 

“Karen Ooooooooooooooooooyessssssss!” James reaches up his hand for a high five, which Remus carefully returns. “Whoooooooo! She is hot. Hella fucking hot.” He sighs dramatically. “We should totally go backstage and say hi. She’d love me.”

 

“She’s an intelligent woman, so no, she won’t love you.” Sirius laughs as James flips him off. “Simmer down, Prongs. Fuck, I should never have let you get that last drink.”

 

“You couldn’t have stopped me, Pads. I do what I want!” James removes his arm from a relieved looking Remus’ shoulders and comes over to Sirius, plucking the joint from between his fingers and taking far too big of a hit, blowing smoke in Sirius’ face.

 

Sirius sees Remus and blond guy exchanging a glance. He can’t blame them, really. Still, he thinks it’s been a fun day overall. It had been James’ idea for them to come to the concert. He’d been chatting with blond guy, back when Remus had agreed to move in. Apparently, blond guy has some shady relative who gets BFD tickets for cheap or something. They’d decided that the concert would be a good way for the new roommates to get to know each other, though Sirius still isn’t quite sure how blond guy ended up tagging along. And spending the weekend at the house. Sirius frowns to himself. Blond guy snores. Sirius knows this because when he’d gotten up this morning, he’d had to listen to blond guy’s dying manatee rumblings as he ate his Peanut Butter Panda Puffs. Not a great way to start your Saturday.

 

“Alright, let me put this out, then we can go in and grace Karen O with our presence.” James stops in front of the entrance to the amphitheatre, flicking the spent joint to the ground and stubbing it out with his toe.

 

“That better not be what I think it was.” All four boys turn to see a security guard staring at them menacingly. He’s got that pompous look of self-importance on his face, a look that Sirius sees far too often from cops and wannabe cops, like this asshole.

 

“Dude, it’s a music festival. It’s absolutely what you think it is.” James is grinning, ruffling his hair like the jackass he is. Sirius wants to smack him. James is too used to strutting around their home turf, where all the cops know him- and his family. 

 

“Look, this might be a music festival, but that doesn’t mean-” The security asshole pauses, looking down at the ground. “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” Before any of the boys can make a move, the security asshole is bending down, snatching up a baggie full of multicolored pills off the ground.

 

He dangles the baggie triumphantly. Sirius turns to glare at blond dude, who looks around awkwardly. This is all his fault. Now they’re going to have to explain to Mr. and Mrs. Potter why they got arrested. Sirius feels his stomach drop at the thought of the Potters’ disappointment. They’ve been so good to Sirius, taking him in without making a big deal about it, including him in the family trips to Bangalore, helping him with his Stanford application. They don’t deserve to deal with this sort of shit from him.

 

“What’s your name, son? What exactly have you got in here? Come with me, we’re going to have to have a talk.” The security asshole has a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

 

Sirius is about to protest when he realises with a start that the security asshole is talking to Remus specifically. Remus, who is standing the farthest away from where the pills were found. Remus, who hasn’t indulged in anything other than a few hits off one joint all day. Remus, who is clearly the most sober one of out all of them. 

 

Sirius narrows his eyes at the security asshole. He’s not clueless. He knows exactly why Remus is being targeted. From the resigned look on his face, Remus knows as well. Sirius feels the anger welling up in his chest. Remus doesn’t look the least bit surprised. This is bullshit. Sirius isn’t sure why he feels this strongly about some kid he just met. Maybe it’s because in the short time they’ve known each other, Remus has proven himself to be a decent guy who doesn’t deserve this shit. Not that  _ anyone _ deserves this racist shit.

 

Before Sirius can say a word, blond dude pipes up. “Those aren’t his. They’re mine. Want to take me in?”

 

The security asshole looks taken aback. He notices Sirius and James glaring daggers at him. “Oh, well… no, it’s fine. I’ll just get rid of these. You boys enjoy the show.”

 

“Whoa, now, slow down there, buddy.” James’ eyes are wild as he rests a hand on the asshole’s chest. Sirius sighs to himself. This isn’t going to be pretty.

 

“So you’re fine with Peter spilling pharmaceuticals all over the place, but when you thought Remus had done it, it’s a capital offense? That’s some shady shit, my friend.”

 

So blond dude is Peter. Sirius makes a mental note, hoping he remembers it. Not that it matters. He probably won’t see Peter again after this weekend.

 

“Look, do you  _ want _ trouble? Let’s just forget about this whole thing. Why don’t you boys head inside and see the show.” The security asshole looks on edge as he gestures towards the amphitheatre entrance. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs have already started their set. Sirius can hear the chorus of  _ Heads Will Roll _ drifting in from the main stage.

 

“Oh, no, no, no. This is BFD, right? Big Fuckin’ Deal? So let’s make a Big Fuckin’ Deal out of this.” James is standing tall and defiant, even if he is swaying a bit. Sirius closes his eyes for a moment, praying for divine intervention. They’re all getting arrested now, for sure.

 

_ Off with your head, dance 'til you're dead, heads will roll, heads will roll… _ Sirius agrees with Karen O’s assessment of the situation.

 

The security asshole raises an eyebrow at James. “Look, kid, why don’t you take it down a notch. I don’t know what you think is going on, but why don’t you take your seats and enjoy the show, alright?”

 

A positively evil grin spreads across James’ face. He steps closer to the security asshole, too close for comfort. “WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT? NO, I WON’T SUCK YOU OFF! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!”

 

James’ voice sounds unnaturally panicked. Sirius nearly bursts into laughter as he sees another security drone hurrying towards them. Sirius realizes that this dude has  _ Manager _ stamped across his uniform. Even shitfaced, James is a sneaky fucker. James points dramatically towards the manager security dude. 

 

“PLEASE HELP ME, SIR! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO? I’M JUST TRYING TO ENJOY THE MUSIC, BRUH! I’M FEELING REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST!”

 

The security asshole looks back and forth between James and his manager, thoroughly confused. Before he can make a retort, James snatches the baggie of pills from his hand, shoving the asshole backwards before breaking into a run towards the main exit, laughing maniacally.

 

Sirius doesn’t think twice as he grabs Remus’ hand, pulling him towards the exit with Peter trailing behind them. He hears the security manager yelling at the asshole, trying to figure out what’s going on. Sirius feels like he’s about to keel over from laughing as he drags Remus through the turnstiles, throwing the shorter boy a roguish wink. His heartbeat picks up ever so slightly when he is rewarded with one of Remus’ sunny smiles in return.

 

_ Off, off, off with your head, dance, dance, dance 'til you're dead, heads will roll... _

  
  


**_***PRESENT DAY***_ **

 

**_Saturday, June 1, 2014, 12:42 pm_ **

 

“This is why I love BFD.” Remus’ cheeks are flushed as he squeezes Sirius’ hand. Sirius loves seeing Remus so happy and relaxed. He’s glad the new meds are working. Remus hasn’t had a flare in weeks, and Sirius knows that being able to be standing all day without pain is part of why he’s enjoying himself so much. He hopes the other part is due to the fact that they’ve been sneaking quick kisses on each other’s cheeks and noses all day. It’s certainly improving Sirius’ concert experience.

 

“What, you love getting skin cancer?” James is scowling at them both, a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes. He has the agenda for all four concert stages in his hand, carefully color coded with highlighter so that they don’t miss any of their favorites.

 

“You’ve sprayed us with enough sunscreen that I think we’ll both survive, even without hats.”  Remus snickers as James waves a bottle of Coppertone menacingly at him.

 

“Ugh, put it away, James! That shit has carcinogens in it so you’re screwed either way. And Rem, I don’t know why y’all were so against the hats. I’m looking hella stylish right now.” Marlene rests a hand on her hip, tilting her head back slightly. The brim of her sunhat smacks against the head of the short blonde girl standing next to her. The girl scowls, but turns away quickly as she meets Dorcas’ slightly menacing smirk.

 

“Only inconsiderate assholes like you wear huge hats to concerts. The baseball cap is the perfect summer concert accessory. Plus we look like a squad.” James gestures to his right, where Peter, Reg, and Lily are all wearing various styles of Oakland A’s baseball caps to match his own. Reg looks slightly alarmed as he takes a small step away from the group, as if to distance himself from James’ enthusiasm.

 

“Hats make your head sweaty and gross. It’s too hot out for that shit. Now shut up, the band’s starting back up.” Sirius grins as he tugs Remus a bit closer to the stage, where Bear Hands is announcing their next song.

 

“Anyways,  _ this _ is what I’m talking about.” Remus gestures to the stage as he talks. “They’re playing a new song. Never even played it live before. It’s cool getting the first listen.” 

 

“Definitely.” Sirius nods, though he isn’t really paying attention to what the band has been talking about. He’s too busy watching Remus as he pushes his stunners up his nose and sidesteps a stumbling drunk girl who lurches past him.

 

Sirius glances at the rest of the group behind them. Dorcas and Marlene are in their own world, as per usual, groping each other as they whisper and snicker together. Peter is spilling his soda on Reg’s shoes. Reg’s struggle to stay polite as Peter apologises, even as he spills even more soda, makes Sirius grin in amusement.

 

Lily and James are chatting animatedly. Sirius is surprised at how relaxed James looks as he laughs heartily at something Lily has said. It’s been a few weeks, but it’s still odd to see them acting so friendly towards each other. Sirius does notice that Lily seems a bit more on edge today, twirling her cartilage stud and biting her lower lip more frequently than usual. 

 

Sirius doesn’t have the time to care, however, not when Remus’ sweaty palm is pressed against his own as they sway in time to the music. The new, as-of-yet unreleased song that’s playing is called _ Winner’s Circle, _ and Sirius has to agree that he, also, _ don't even know how I got to the finish, but I don't care, don't make no difference to me. _

 

It’s been a week since Tahoe, and things between Remus and Sirius have been awesome. Well, mostly. Remus has slept in Sirius’ room every night. They’re back to their usual routine of cuddling and hair stroking- and shoulder punching, which Sirius finds that he missed just as much as the other affectionate touches. 

 

It’s like things are back to the way they were, but better, because Remus is  _ his, _ and everyone knows it. Sirius can hold Remus’ hand as they walk down University Avenue, or rest a hand on Remus’ hip as they wait in line for ice cream sandwiches at CREAM, or tug at Remus’ curls to annoy him as they watch Game of Thrones on the couch, and no one bats an eye, save for James staring at them with a satisfied smile on his face, the asshole.

 

Still, Sirius is feeling nervous. Ever since that night in Tahoe, Remus has seemed reluctant to take things further in the bedroom. He’s been hesitant during their makeout sessions, stopping before they get too intense, even before Sirius is ready to stop. They’ve done some mutual jacking off, but nothing else. On one hand, Sirius is content with things as they are. He doesn’t need anything more than what they’re doing. As long as he gets to curl up with Remus’ arms wrapped around him at the end of the night, he’s happy.

 

On the other hand… Remus can’t possibly be satisfied with just that. Remus isn’t like Sirius. Remus wants more. Just because he isn’t  _ pushing _ for it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t  _ want _ it. Sirius wonders if his blowjob last week was so bad that it put Remus off altogether. He quickly scoffs at this thought, however. He’s good at everything he puts his mind to, and that definitely includes blowjobs. 

 

Maybe Remus is worried that the further they go, the more Sirius not being into it will start to turn him off as well. Maybe he’s worried about getting bored. Sirius slumps his shoulders a bit. He knows that Remus is too nice to say anything to that effect. Even if he does grow bored with Sirius during their hookups, he’ll never say anything. He’s too kind. He’d never want to hurt Sirius by dumping him for being a boring lay. No, Remus would continue to suffer through it, no matter how miserable he gets.

 

Sirius looks over at Remus, who’s staring up at the stage happily, singing along even though he’s never heard this song before. Maybe Sirius needs to take some more initiative, show Remus that he’s willing to go further, get more adventurous. He can do that. Sirius Black is always up for a challenge. He thinks back on Remus’ past hookups. He’s caught Remus in enough compromising positions over the years to know that Remus isn’t particularly shy about, uh, going for it when the mood strikes him. 

 

Sirius smirks as Remus wipes a hand across his forehead. Bear Hands has wrapped up, and the stage is being cleared for the next group. “C’mon, Moony, let’s get some water.” He starts tugging Remus towards the concession stands.

 

Remus balks a bit. “I don’t want to miss Big Data. I think Wormy’s got some water, can’t you-”

 

“No! I don’t want his nasty ass germs.” Sirius chuckles as he maneuvers them through the crowd, slyly pulling Remus down one of the alleys in between the stands into a shaded area behind a stack of empty crates.

 

Remus looks around in confusion. “What the- ack!” He squeaks a bit in surprise as Sirius presses him up against the concrete wall and begins kissing his neck furiously. “Pads- I don’t- what-”

 

“Shhhh. Just let me do this.” Sirius is grinning as he moves a hand down to grab Remus’ dick through his jeans. Remus might be confused, but his dick sure isn’t. He starts to unzip Remus’ jeans when his hand is smacked away.

 

“Fuck’s sake Sirius, what are you _ doing?”  _ Remus looks flustered as Sirius steps back a bit. His stomach clenches as he sees Remus expression, full of bewilderment and irritation. This is not going according to plan. Fuck. He should have thought things through better, but honestly, he’s seen Remus slip away with a partner for some spontaneous fun more than a few times over the years. Why is he willing to do that with randoms, but not with Sirius?

 

Sirius is scowling now. “I am  _ trying _ to liven things up a bit. Fuck, you’ve barely touched me all week. I’m the ace one, and I’ve got to do all the seducing.”

 

Remus rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to speak, but Sirius keeps talking. He’s not going to let Remus logic his way out of this. “Don’t act like it’s because you don’t want to. We both know- don’t patronize me. Don’t  _ lie _ to me.”

 

Remus sighs, looking down at the ground briefly before raising his gaze to meet Sirius’. “It’s not- I don’t want to do things if you don’t want to do them, too.”

 

Sirius frowns in irritation. “Well how the fuck am I supposed to be able to tell you if I want to do them if you don’t ask?”

 

“That’s just it. If I ask, you’ll say yes. You won’t- you keep pushing yourself. I don’t want to make you cross out of your comfort zone.” Remus’ arms are folded across his chest as he leans against the wall. 

 

Sirius sighs, moving closer to Remus, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Look, I don’t know what’s out of my comfort zone yet. With you, I mean. But I can’t- I’m not gonna know what’s out of bounds til I get there, you know? You have to let me try.”

 

“You say that now.” Remus is looking at Sirius, worrying his lip between his teeth. “You say that, but what if I- I don’t want to be responsible for pushing you too far.”

 

“You aren’t.” Sirius cups Remus’ cheek with one hand, smiling at him, willing him to smile back. “You know I do what I want. I won’t blame you. I promise I’ll let you know if things get to be too much. But, you have to let me- you have to be honest with me. And I’ll be honest with you. And we’ll both fuck up sometimes, but we’ll get over it.”

 

Sirius is rewarded with a smile from Remus, who chuckles and leans over to press a kiss to his nose. “Fine. Asshole. But not here. Not like this.”

 

Sirius feels himself coloring slightly at the intensity of Remus’ gaze. Remus knows this isn’t the way he wants things. It was foolish of Sirius to think he wouldn’t notice. “Yeah, no. Not like this.”

 

He threads his fingers through Remus’ and pulls him back towards the stage. He feels lighter as they make their way back to the group, ignoring the smirking kissy faces that Dorcas and Marlene throw at them. Things aren’t perfect between Remus and him, not yet, maybe not ever, but for now, as Big Data breaks into _ Dangerous, _ singing about how _ it must be fate, I found a place for us, I bet you didn’t know someone could love you this much,  _ Sirius feels as though things are hella fucking awesome just as they are.

  
  


**_Saturday, June 1, 2014, 7:14 pm_ **

 

“Oh, man. I can’t believe I just saw Phantogram. Live and in person. Almost close enough to touch.” Lily’s eyes are wide as she leans back in her seat with a happy smile. They’re in the main arena, six rows from the stage, dead center.

 

James, who is sitting to her right, laughs, patting her hand comfortingly. “I swear I saw Sarah Barthel wink at you. You can tell your grandkids about how she was the one that got away.”

 

“What grandkids? I’m going to die happy right now. Nothing can top this.” Lily throws an arm over her face dramatically. Sirius, who is on her left, winces as her elbow grazes his temple, scooting closer to Remus and out of the danger zone.

 

Peter looks over his shoulder. He’s sitting in the row in front of them, along with Reg, Marlene and Dorcas. “Prongs, what’s next on the lineup? Need a smoke break.” 

 

“As do we all.” James nods his head very solemnly as he pulls out his color coded schedule. “Alright, so here on the main stage, we’ve got Fitz and the Tantrums, then MIA, then Foster the People.”

 

“Hard pass on that last one. If I have to hear  _ Pumped Up Kicks _ one more time, I’m getting arrested for sure. Especially with these hipster assholes singing along.” Sirius is smirks as the dude next to Peter scowls over at him from underneath his ironic mustache.

 

“Sames. Isn’t Flosstradamus playing in the techno tent at the same time?” Remus leans over Sirius to look at the schedule. James holds it out, leaning over Lily slightly so that he can give Remus a better look. Sirius notices that Lily is blushing slightly. She catches his gaze and narrows her eyes at his grin.

 

“Yeah, that looks right. Okay, we’ll hit that up instead then. Wormy, you four go down for first smoke break and we’ll guard your seats, then we’ll switch. Don’t smoke the whole stash, and for fuck’s sake, don’t break the vape pen again.” James looks sternly at Peter, who gives him a quick salute before he stands up and makes his way down the aisle, ushering the other three along with him. 

 

Reg looks slightly apprehensive, but he allows Marlene to take his hand and lead him along. She and Dorcas bonded with Reg over the Tahoe trip, taking a shine to him, treating him as if he’s their younger brother rather than Sirius’. Sirius snickers as she sees Marlene fix Reg’s hair as they stand at the end of the aisle. Maybe Reg is more of a pet, actually. 

 

“So, I was meaning to ask you guys- I’m sorry, Lily, I don’t want to crowd you, but- what do you two think about letting Reg crash with us after graduation? Just until he gets his life right.” James is leaning over Lily again, being careful not to infringe in her space too much. Lily seems slightly nervous as she leans back in her chair to allow Remus and Sirius a better view of James.

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Fuck’s sake. We let Wormy crash with us  _ just for the weekend, _ and now it’s five years later and there’s no sign of him leaving, ever. And now you want to take in another stray? Can’t we get a dog instead?”

 

“We’re not getting a dog.” Remus says dryly. “You two were hard enough to house train.”

 

“Fine then, no dog and no Reg. It’s agreed.” Sirius sits back in his chair, his arms folded. He’s not actually that adverse to Reg staying with them until he figures out his shit. He’d have to be a heartless asshole to make Reg move back in with their parents. Still he’s not going to give in that easily. Agreeing with James too readily sets a bad precedent.

 

Sure enough, James punches him hard on the thigh. “Don’t be a tool, Pads. Reg is alright. And Moony’s always in your room anyway, might as well make it official and free up some space for the poor kid. Can’t send him back to your shitbag family.”

 

“He’s got a point, Pads. That is, if you’re okay with me moving in. For now, anyway.” Remus’ tone is casual, but Sirius notices that his cheeks are pinker than usual. Sirius smiles to himself. He’s not sure if you can really call it  _ moving in, _ not when they’ve lived together for five years, and shared a bed for a good portion of the time, but Sirius is still happy that Remus wants this, that he wants  _ him,  _ for real.

 

“Alright, fine. He can stay if he wants. But you have to be the one to ask him, Prongs, and I’m not helping him move any of his shit.”

 

“Didn’t think you would. Lazy ass.” James is grinning as he sits back in his seat. “Besides, who knows what sort of changes will be happening over the next few months?” He gives Remus and Sirius the side eye. Sirius looks straight ahead at the stage, watching Fitz and the Tantrums continue their set, not saying anything.

 

It’s kind of… weird. Even though Sirius and Remus have only started dating recently, it doesn’t  _ feel _ like a beginning. It feels more like a next step. They’ve taken care of each other for so long, and know each other so well. It’s a little scary, but it’s scary in a good way, Sirius thinks. For the first time in a long time, Sirius is considering future possibilities, rather than trying to stop things from moving forward. 

 

He sneaks a look at Remus, who is also staring intently at the stage. Sirius wonders if Remus feels the same way. He wonders if Remus thinks about what his future might hold, and if Sirius is a part of that future. He’s caught university websites open on Remus’ laptop a few times this week. He wonders if that means what he hopes it does.

 

Sirius is startled as he feels Remus’ hand side over his own, lacing their fingers together. He grins to himself. He doesn’t have to look over at Remus to know that he’s grinning just as broadly.

 

James lets out a laugh as the opening chords of  _ Out of My League _ start playing and the myriad of band members flare out across the stage. “Consider yourself lucky that we’re friends now, Lily. Once upon a time, I might have considered crashing the stage and serenading you to this song. It’s always reminded me- um, never mind. I’m just- glad we’re friends now. For real.” James’ face is on fire. Sirius and Remus exchange a knowing glance.

 

Lily laughs nervously. “Yeah, uh… lucky me, right?” She looks down at her lap for a moment before looking back at the stage.

 

James is staring at her curiously. “Um, Lily… that would have been a bad idea, right?”

 

Sirius nudges Remus as he watches with interest. Lily chuckles again before looking over at James. “Um yeah, it would have been a really bad idea.” She clears her throat, standing up suddenly from her seat. Sirius isn’t quite sure what to expect, but he can honestly say that he was not expecting to see Lily jump up on her seat and start singing, which is exactly what she does.

 

“YOU ARE OUT OF MY LEAGUE, ALL THE THINGS I BELIEVE, YOU WERE JUST THE RIGHT KIND, YEAH YOU WERE MORE THAN JUST A DREAM!”

 

“What the fuck? Can you please sit down and be quiet?!” The couple behind them leans forward to complain, but they simmer down as Sirius rests his arm over the back of Lily’s seat, turning to glare at them. A few of the other concert goers around them are pointing and giggling. Sirius assumes those people have already had their smoke breaks. James is looking up at Lily in confusion and awe as she continues singing.

 

“FROM TIME TO TIME I PINCH MYSELF, ‘CAUSE I THINK THAT YOU MISTAKE ME FOR SOMEBODY ELSE-”

 

“Come on, man, we can’t see, make your girl sit down already.” Another dude behind them pokes James in the shoulder, but he slaps the hand away without looking, his eyes not leaving Lily for one second. Sirius can’t blame him, even though he has to admit that Lily’s singing voice is terrible, scratchy and warbling. Still, she bravely keeps singing, looking down at James intensely.

 

“AND EVERY TIME YOU TAKE MY HAND, ALL THE WONDERS THAT REMAIN BECOME A SIMPLE FACT-”

 

“Alright, miss, that’s enough, other people are trying to enjoy the show.” A security guard is making his way through the aisle below them, towards the four empty seats. Sirius and Remus exchange mischievous grins before getting up and leaping over the backs of the seats, standing on them to block the security guard from getting any closer.

 

“Hey, what the- come on, will you two sit? This isn’t-” The security guard’s complaints are drowned out as Sirius and Remus join in the singing, helping her round out the chorus.

 

“YOU ARE OUT OF MY LEAGUE, GOT MY HEARTBEAT RACING, IF I DIE DON’T WAKE ME, ‘CAUSE YOU ARE MORE THAN JUST A DREAM!”   
  


“Alright, THAT’S IT! All four of you, get out of here  _ now, _ before I make you.” The security guard has his arms crossed over his chest. Sirius is fairly sure he can’t do much, legally speaking, but Lily’s performance seems to be over in any case. She takes a few bows, as the more wasted members of the audience clap and cheer enthusiastically, turning left and right before hopping off her seat and hurrying out of the aisle.

 

James is in a daze as he stands to follow. He turns to Remus and Sirius, shaking his head. “Holy shit. That really happened, right? I’m not hallucinating?”

 

Remus jumps back over the seats and starts shoving James down the aisle, muttering apologies as they make their way out. “Yes, it really happened. Now come on, let’s get going.”

 

James screeches to a halt. Remus runs into him, and Sirius nearly knocks them into the lap of some poor bastard who’s just trying to eat his cheese fries in peace. 

 

James is running his hands through his hair. Sirius notices that his fingers are shaking a bit. “Fuck’s sake Prongs, move it before the rent-a-cop starts yelling at us again!”

 

“But- do you think she likes me? She does, right? Holy shit!” James is babbling now, looking back and Sirius and Remus with large, questioning eyes.

 

“Dude. She likes you. She’s waiting for you at the end of the aisle. So do you mind moving along already?” The guy with the cheese fries is trying to be polite, but Sirius can hear the strained edge in his voice.

 

“Right. You’re right. Thanks, man. Hey can I have one of those?” James grins as the guy holds out his cheese fries reluctantly, allowing James to snag a few before heading towards Lily.

 

He’s still grinning as they head out of the amphitheatre, looking for the others. James is walking next to Lily, grinning like a madman as the backs of their hands brush together. He nudges her shoulder gently. “Great singing. Better than Fitz  _ or _ the Tantrums, to be honest.”

 

Lily laughs as she nudges him back, though her face is still beet red. “Yeah, right. Glad you enjoyed the show.” She turns back to Sirius and Remus. “Sorry we’re gonna miss MIA.”

 

Remus shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. I’d rather hit up the techno tent anyway.” He slips his hand back into Sirius’, letting their arms swing gently. Sirius grins as he wriggles his fingers in Remus’ grasp, making Remus dig a nail into his skin playfully.

 

“Ouch! Asshole.” He smirks at Remus before looking over at Lily. “No worries, Lils. It was totally worth it.” He makes a face at her as she glares at him, flipping him off before pretending to ignore him. Sirius smirks to himself as he sees Lily tentatively turn her hand so that the palm is facing James. He shakes his head as he sees James tentatively grasp her hand, while his other hand drums nervously against his thigh.

 

Sirius leans over to whisper in Remus’ ear. “Fuck’s sake, we were never that pathetic, were we?” Sure, he and Remus took their time getting their shit together, but they had legitimate issues to deal with. James and Lily have been dancing around each other over these past few weeks for no reason other than to be ridiculous and annoy their friends.

 

Remus gives Sirius an appraising look before replying.  _ “I _ was never that pathetic, but  _ you _ might have been. Prongs and Wormy complained an awful lot.”

 

Sirius glares indignantly, biting back a grin. “Those traitors! They’re a couple of damn liars and you know it. I was cool, calm and collected. Like always.”

 

Remus says nothing, smiling as he winds his arm around Sirius’ waist, pulling him closer as they continue onward towards on the search for their friends, weed, and Flosstradamus. Sirius drapes an arm around Remus’ shoulders. James and Peter can suck it. He doesn’t give a shit how pathetic he may or may not have been. He’s got his Moony now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, this is past 100k words. For all of you that have been reading along since the beginning- THANK YOU! It’s been a wild ride, but the finish line is in sight. Two more chapters to go!
> 
> Spotify playlist is updated with the BFD hits:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> Next week is the after party. Everyone will be feeling pretty chill, so we’ll see what happens.
> 
> You can find me obsessing over all things Marauders and Wolfstar on Tumblr @nachodiablo. Thank you for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balloons and Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Mirgaxus and Wereflamingo for their help this week, and every week!
> 
> There’s some sexy times in the third section, so if that’s not your jam, head out when Remus gets the mood music going. It’ll be safe to sneak back later.

**_Saturday, June 1, 2014, 11:37 pm_ **

 

“Where’s your boyfriend at?” Sirius jumps slightly as someone pinches his ribs. He turns to find Lily smiling up at him, cheeks flushed with a drink in her hand. She holds her plastic cup up, and Sirius clinks his own against it in cheers.

 

“Where’s _your_ boyfriend at?” Sirius raises an eyebrow as he asks the question, chuckling at how Lily’s smile goes even wider as she rolls her eyes.

 

“He’s _not_ my boyfriend. Yet. And he’s been avoiding me ever since we got back.” She nods towards the edge of the pool, where James is talking animatedly to Reg, spilling his drink into the pool.

 

Sirius takes a look around the backyard. He has to admit, James, Marlene and Dorcas did a great job with the decor. The entire place is strung up with lights, and the pool is featuring some inappropriate floats that Sirius is pretty sure Dorcas picked up in a sex shop. There are buckets strategically placed around the yard, which the marauders are taking turns refilling with water balloons. James has made sure to place strategic signage warning those who enter the backyard that all’s fair in love and watersports. When Remus had suggested changing the wording, James had only giggled like a middle schooler.

 

The one spot in the backyard that is safe from potential water balloon warfare is the smoking corner, where Sirius has been hanging out for the past twenty minutes, waiting for Remus to finish his round of beer pong.

 

Sirius takes another hit off his joint and passes it to Lily. “Poor guy’s scared shitless. He might talk big, but he never really thought this day would actually come.”

 

Lily exhales smoke, coughing a bit as she laughs. “Neither did I. I’ll talk to him later. Shit. What am I doing?”

 

“Nothing smart, I can tell you that.” Sirius drapes an arm around Lily’s shoulder. “Nah, he’s a good guy. Not good enough for you, but, you know. You’ll whip him into shape in no time.”

 

“He’s good enough.” A small smile dances on Lily’s lips as she meets James’ eyes, causing him to blush and look at his feet. “You and Rem seem to be doing well. I told you so.”

 

Sirius bops her on the head before snatching back the joint. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. We’re… we’ll be good. I think.” He takes one last hit before passing it over to some random dude next to him. “Come on, I’ve got to refill the water balloon buckets before Pete yells at me for slacking.”

 

He and Lily walk across the yard to the garden hose, gathering whatever buckets are empty, dodging a few balloons as they make their trek. They get a system going- Sirius fills, Lily ties- as they bob their heads exaggeratedly to Snoop Dogg’s _Gin and Juice._

 

“So, I’m gonna do it.” Lily stops mid-tie, nudging Sirius with her foot. He looks up at her questioningly. She sighs before continuing. “I’m gonna take the sales job. I’ll start in a few weeks. I’ve just got to train a temp to help me out while we recruit my backfill.”

 

“Ha! Nice plan. If we had to wait for HR to actually backfill you, you’d be in limbo for a fucking year at least.” Sirius laughs as Lily nudges him again, harder this time. “For real, though, congrats. What made you change your mind? I mean, besides my brilliant pep talk, obviously.”

 

“Shut up.” Lily’s grinning as she holds out her hand for another balloon. “I just- well yeah, kind of. You’re right. It’s a hell of a door to have open. Minerva’s going to get me through this manager’s training program, and once I’m set with that, I’ll have more opportunities.” She ties off the balloon, tossing it gently into the bucket. “GM will pay for me to finish school. You know, if I keep up a certain GPA, and if I can convince them that the classes will improve my work skills. Although, I don’t know. It’ll take forever, going part time. And I’ll be so busy with work...”

 

“Who cares? You have like, sixty years left. Even if it takes you ten years to finish your degree, that means you’ll still have fifty years to use it. Plus it’s free. Never turn down free shit, Lils. Even the asshole execs who make seven figures still snatch up every free pen, tshirt and notebook that they’re offered.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Lily sneaks another look over at James. “It’s just… you know, like you said. I’ve got a chance to make a difference. I know you can’t overthrow the system from the inside, but I can probably fuck it up a little, right?”

 

“Exactly.” Sirius grins as he hands over another balloon. “And once you’ve got your degree and saved up enough fuck-you money, you’ll be so burnt out by the corporate bullshit that you’ll be ready to peel out and do something different.”

 

“True.” Lily chews on her lower lip thoughtfully before sighing. “By the time I leave the industry, it will be a capital offence to question your coworker on which bathroom they should be using.”

 

Sirius looks up at her sharply. “The fuck? Who do I have to beat down, Lils? Snape? I’ll beat him down anyway, but I fucking swear-”

 

“Relax! I’ve already beat her down.” Lily has a wicked smirk on her face as she hands Sirius an empty balloon. “HR got an anonymous tip that she was checking out inappropriate websites on company time, and she got the boot.”

 

Sirius grins up at her, handing over another balloon. “Lily! I’m so proud. We’re rubbing off on you. Wait, are you talking about that accounting lady who threw her laptop when she got canned? Dolores? Was she actually looking at porn? Not that it matters. We don’t need fuckwads like her hanging around.”

 

Lily shrugs. “I saw her screwing around on Facebook while everyone else was freaking out about the audit. and reported to Emmeline. Might have also mentioned her comments about me. She was a contractor, so it was enough to get her gone.”

 

“Using the rules to your advantage. I salute you. You’re smarter than the rest of us. Not like that’s news.” He hands over the final balloon before turning off the hose. “Alright, let’s put these back out and get back to the party. You want anything, or are you keeping it chill?”

 

After the four twenty party, James had been firm that anything stronger than weed would be strictly monitored for the BFD after party. He had lectured Peter and Sirius for thirty minutes on how Reg could have fallen off the roof. One wrestling match and three threats to push James off the roof later, it had been decided that any additional party favors would be confined to inside the house, and only to people who had proven themselves able to handle their shit for at least three previous events.

 

Lily shakes her head. “Nah. I’m not really into that. Besides, I need to keep a clear head. I’ve got to sort things out with James.” She catches his eye again, giving him a small wave, which he returns tentatively, though he’s grimacing slightly.

 

Sirius snickers a bit. “Alright, you going to go talk to him? I’ve got a boyfriend to save from the horror that is Pete’s company.”

 

Lily smacks his arm. “Don’t be a tool. Yeah, I’ll talk to him. Hang on a sec first.” She puts down the last bucket before grabbing a camera off one of the poolside tables. James and Sirius had fiddled around with a bunch of waterproof cameras and set them out around the yard and house. Any pictures taken are being uploaded to James’ cloud and then streamed as a slideshow on the multiple TVs inside the house. Remus had wanted them to be monitored for questionable content, but he had been outvoted. BFD is not the time for modesty or censorship.

 

“Smile!” Lily holds up the camera, wrapping an arm around Sirius’ waist and pulling him in closer for a selfie. Sirius grins before making a hideous face and flipping the bird.

 

“Perfect. Can’t wait to see this on Instagram tomorrow.” Lily is giggling as she looks at the picture. Half of her face is cut out, and Sirius is slightly blurry.

 

“Be real, Lils. We both look hella fine, as always.” Sirius  snickers as he grabs the camera to take another selfie, poking Lily in the ribs to make her squeal just as he snaps the picture.

 

He tosses the camera back onto the table, picking up two of the vegan jello shots that Marlene has been distributing around the party, handing one over to Lily. He runs his finger along the rim of the jello to loosen it before raising his shot in the air for a toast.

 

“Cheers, to us getting our shit together. Mostly.” Sirius sucks down the shot before looking over at James, who is arguing with Reg by the pool. Things seem to be lighthearted, but Sirius knows from experience how quickly friendly banter with James can escalate into something more intense. The kitchen ceiling still bears scars from The Great Ketchup Fight of ‘09.

 

“You gonna go over and talk to him? Put him out of his misery? Poor asshole doesn’t know what to do with himself around you now that you’ve made your intentions known.” Sirius grins down at Lily, who rolls her eyes before sucking down her own shot. She takes a deep breath, handing Sirius the empty shot glass.

 

“I’ll talk to him. Now.” Lily takes a few steps towards the pool before stopping abruptly, wincing as she starts shaking her head.

 

Sirius looks over just in time to see Reg sidestepping a playful shove from James. It’s enough to throw James off balance. Sirius feels like he’s watching in slow motion as James falls into the pool, reaching out wildly for something to grab onto, which happens to be Reg’s shirt. Sirius is torn between cringing and bowling over laughing at the look of shock and alarm that flashes across Reg’s face as he is pulled into the pool with his elbow in James’ face.

 

Lily sighs, walking back over to Sirius, ignoring the cursing and sputtering coming from the pool. “I think he might need a few minutes. Grab me another shot. Or three.”

  


**_Monday, June 2, 2014, 12:48 am_ **

 

“You dry out yet?” Sirius drops down to sit on the edge of the pool next to Reg, whose hair is still damp, although he’s changed into a pair of dry shorts and a tshirt that Dorcas has provided for him out of Peter’s wardrobe.

 

Reg kicks his feet in the water. “I’m alright.” He peers over at Sirius. “I heard you’re okay with me crashing here? It won’t be for long, I swear.”

 

Sirius shrugs, nudging a pool float with his toe. “Yeah, whatever. No rush.” He doesn’t look over at Reg as he continues talking. “So… when’s graduation?”

 

“The fifteenth. Bill and Melinda Gates are keynoting.” Reg taps his fingers against the edge of the pool. “Mom and Dad won’t be there. Dad’s got some business thing in Bangalore, and Mom’s going along because some random auntie is ill.”

 

Reg doesn’t seem upset, but Sirius is slightly irate. “So they’re skipping their only good son’s fucking graduation?”

 

Reg sighs, kicking his foot against Sirius’. “It doesn’t matter. Marlene and Dorcas said they’d come. I, um… I mean, I’ve got more tickets. Just… if… you know.”

 

Sirius runs a hand through his hair, still not looking at Reg. “Yeah. I guess. Fine.”

 

The brothers don’t say anything as Drake, A$AP Rocky, and Kendrick argue over what the _Fuckin’ Problem_ is. Sirius is startled when he feels a kiss being pressed to the top of his head.

 

“You planning on taking a dip?” Remus is grinning as he sits next to Sirius, resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius grins as he notices that Remus has on a pair of Sirius’ mesh shorts. He’s always liked seeing Remus in his clothes, but now that they’re together, he likes it even more.

 

Sirius snickers as he wraps his arm around Remus. “Nah, I’m good for now.” He looks up to see Peter sitting down next to Reg, handing him a joint. “Where’d Prongs sneak off to?”

 

“Lily finally cornered him, dragged him inside for a chat.” Peter is giggling as he takes the joint back from Reg for a hit. “Think they’re in his room.”

 

Sirius laughs as he reached out for the joint. “What a loser. Finally gets the girl of his dreams and she has to chase him down to seal the deal.” He takes a hit, attempting and failing to blow smoke rings as he exhales. “Wonder what they’re talking about.”

 

“Well…” Remus deftly takes the joint from Sirius’ hands, allowing their fingers to brush together gently. “We could find out.”

 

“Why the- can’t you leave them alone?” Reg looks perturbed as the marauders exchange evil grins.

 

Peter stands up, shaking the pool water from his feet. “Afraid we can’t, no.” He gestures towards the side of the house. “Come on, let’s check it out.”

 

Sirius and Remus jump up to follow Peter. Reg is slower to get up, but he silently follows them out the back gate towards the side yard, rolling his eyes as they drop down to army crawl exaggeratedly to James’ window. It’s open, like it always is, because James is an asshole who doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Life in the marauder house means keeping all entrances under lock and key, but James is more concerned with fresh air rather than safety from pranks today, apparently.

 

All four boys lean against the bush under the window, hushing each other as they strain to hear the conversation drifting out the open window.

 

“-don’t get it, if you like me and I like you, then why have you been avoiding me all night? Did I- was it too much? The singing?”

 

“What? No! Hell no, that was- um, I just-” There’s a sigh as James takes a beat to figure out what to say. “I just- I want to be sure we’re on the same page, is all.”

 

“Why wouldn’t we be on the same page? You’ve been after me forever. Are you- is that not what you want?”

 

“No it’s- it’s what I want, but not like this!” The marauders exchange smirks as they hear the panic creeping into James’ voice. “I want- I don’t just want to date you. I want everything. I want- this isn’t a _game_ for me, it’s forever.”

 

“Oh, Prongs, _nooooo!”_ Sirius is shaking with laughter as he whispers, with Remus and Peter pinching and shushing him, even as they bite back their own laughter.

 

“Um… are you- this isn’t a... proposal, is it? Damn it James, we’ve barely-”

 

“NO! Fuck’s sake- _no!_ I can’t- I knew I’d fuck this up, I just didn’t realize it would happen so quickly. _Fuck,_ why am I _like_ this?!”

 

The boys all fall into silence as they hear the creak of bedsprings. “Look, it’s okay, just- take your time, and when you figure out what you want to say, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.” Lily’s voice is soft, soothing, in a way that is usually reserved for Remus during his joint pain flares.

 

James takes a few deep breaths. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I just meant- fuck.” He takes another breath. “I don’t just want this to just be a hookup. If that’s all you’re looking for, I can’t handle that. I’m not- I want this to be real. And if you don’t feel the same way, I’d rather just be friends. I can be just friends with you, but not if we- if we- if- _mpphh!-”_

 

Remus, Peter and Sirius exchange awkward glances. Things are clearly working out. Sirius is contemplating whether or not they should embarrass the couple or army crawl away back to then jello shots, when Reg starts humming. The marauders exchange confused glaces for a few moments until the melody is recognized. Peter is the first one to start singing.

 

“CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT, THE PEACE THE EVENING BRINGS?!”

 

“What the fuck?!” Lily sounds confused as the rest of the boys chime in.

 

“THE WORLD FOR ONCE, IN PERFECT HARMONY, WITH ALL ITS LIVING THIIIIIIIINGSSSS!”

 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES?!” James’ voice sounds louder now as his face appears through the screen. “GET YOUR OWN ROOM FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” The window slams shut. Sirius has tears streaming down his face as he leans against Remus’ shoulder.

 

“Fuck… I can’t-" he takes a few gasping breaths, trying to calm himself. “Nice work, Reg.”  


“Thanks.” Reg’ cheeks are flushed, but he looks please with himself. “Okay, let’s get back to the party. Annoying James is one thing, but I don’t want to annoy Lily.”

 

All three marauders shudder at the thought of an irate Lily as they head back to the gate. Sirius reaches over to grab Remus’ hand, pulling him close enough to whisper in his ear.

 

“I want _us_ to get our own room. Tonight. Soon.”

 

Remus chews on his lower lip as he looks over at Sirius. “Okay. Whatever you want. Just- um, just let me know.”

 

Sirius smiles at Remus, squeezing his hand. Tonight will be different. Tonight, he and Remus will fuck, and he’ll finally be able to prove to Remus that he can do this. All of it.

 

Sirius is ready. Or rather, he will be, after one more joint.

  


**_Monday, June 2, 2014, 1:59 am_ **

 

As soon as they’ve made it to Sirius’ room- Sirius _and_ Remus’ room now, or at least it will be soon enough- Sirius has the locks clicked into place and Remus wrapped in his arms. Neither of them say anything as they stand together in the middle of the room for a minute, breathing steadily, listening to the steady thumping of the music and general chaos through the door.

 

“Did you get all the locks?” Remus voice is slightly muffled against Sirius’ neck. Sirius chuckles as he moves to press a kiss to Remus’ cheek.

 

“I’m no amateur. They aren’t getting in.” Living in a house full of marauders means taking extra precautions. Sirius’ door has two extra locks installed. Not that James or Peter couldn’t pick them if they tried, but at least there will be advance warning.

 

“What about the windows?” Remus’ eyes widen as he hurries over to peer our into the bushes before closing both of the windows, locking them and pulling the curtains tightly shut.

 

Sirius walks up behind Remus, winding his arms around his waist and kissing his neck. “Satisfied now? We’re alone. Or as alone as we’re going to get.”

 

Remus turns slowly to face Sirius, placing one hand on his hip and sliding the other around the base of his neck. “You know we don’t- I don’t want to scare you off.”

 

Sirius leans his head down to press their foreheads together, letting his own hands wander down towards Remus’ hips. “You won’t. I just- I want to try. Something more, I mean.”

 

Remus sighs, pulling Sirius closer. “Don’t say it like that. It’s not _more,_ it’s just… different.”  He looks into Sirius’ eyes, raising an eyebrow. “Um… what exactly did you want to do?”

 

Sirius shrugs, running his hands up and down Remus’ sides. “I dunno. Like… I want to fuck you. Or you fuck me, or… whatever.”

 

Remus inhales sharply. “Um, okay. Shit. Okay. Did you want- have you ever…?” He trails off without finishing his question.

 

“Yeah, I have. Not a lot, but, um, both ways.” Sirius tries not to think about how fucking awkward those precious few encounters had been. He takes comfort in the fact that at least here, with Remus, where he’s safe, it can’t possibly be _that_ uncomfortable.

 

“Oh, okay.” Remus looks slightly relieved as he leads Sirius over to the bed, pulling him down so that they’re sitting next to each other, still wrapped in each other’s arms. “Well, so… do you have a preference?”

 

Sirius shrugs. Both ways were fairly unspectacular, as far as his own dick was concerned. Too much of having to deal with someone else’s movements and rhythm. It had been hard to concentrate. “I don’t know. Not really. Just- whatever’s easier, I guess.”

 

Remus pulls back a bit, tapping a finger to his lips thoughtfully. “Alright, what if- I’ve noticed you like some action, um... down there, while you’re jacking off. What if we do it that way, but with you on top? So, you know, you can do… whatever feels good?”

 

“What about you?” Sirius is frowning. He doesn’t want Remus to focus on him. It’s too much pressure. He wants to make Remus feel good, too.

 

He’s surprised when Remus lets out a burst of laughter, resting his head against Sirius’ shoulder. “Pads, I- no matter what we do, it’s going to feel good for me. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Remus raises his head to press a firm kiss to Sirius’ lips. “I don’t want you to worry. You’re- fuck. You’re _you._ You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and wind up as just a head in a jar, and we’d make it work. I would, at least.”

 

Remus’ eyes are boring into Sirius’ intently. Sirius doesn’t say anything. He just stares back at Remus for a moment before leaning down to kiss him gently.

 

Remus returns the kiss, running a hand along the back of Sirius’ neck, pulling him closer. Sirius sighs happily as he runs his tongue along Remus’ teeth. He might not be that into kissing, but with Remus, it’s different. With Remus, it’s a way to experience intimacy. It’s a way for Sirius to show Remus what he means to him, without having words getting in the way and fucking things up.

 

Eventually, they make their way onto the bed, stopping to kick off their shoes and strip off their shirts. Sirius traces his fingers along Remus’ chest, making him shudder and moan in that way that makes Sirius’ toes curl with happiness.

 

Sirius has Remus pinned to the bed and is starting to trail kisses down his neck when Remus stops him, sitting up and fumbling with his phone on the night stand.

 

“Let’s have actual mood music this time, yeah?” Remus is smirking, but his cheeks are getting pink as he scrolls through his Spotify. Frank Ocean starts singing about how he’s _been thinkin’ ‘bout forever,_ and Sirius can’t stop himself from laughing.

 

“Whoa, Moony. I didn’t know you were such a romantic.” Sirius grins as Remus smacks him on the arm.

 

“Shut up! It’s not- this isn’t a _romantic_ song.”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “It’s a dude singing about being with another dude forever. How is that not romantic?”

 

Remus lies back on the bed next to Sirius, throwing a hand over his eyes in mock exasperation. “That’s not what it’s about. It’s about being separated and wondering what could have been if he’d just- it’s not- okay, maybe it’s _romantic,_ but it’s not _happy._ It’s… I don’t know. It just makes me think, is all.” Remus hasn’t moved, but Sirius can see that his ears are starting to pinken along with his cheeks. He leans over to kiss Remus’ forehead, moving his hand away and running a hand through his curls.

 

“It’s nice.” Sirius kisses the tip of Remus’ nose before moving back down to press his lips against his neck. Hearing Remus’ breath hitch makes Sirius’ chest swell a bit. He’s never felt this way with anyone else. Maybe it’s not what everyone else feels, but whatever this is, it feels pretty damn special to Sirius.

 

In a short amount of time, they’ve both lost their shorts and boxers, and Sirius is pressing against Remus without any barriers, skin on skin. He reaches over to the nightstand drawer, rummaging around until he finds the lube and a stray condom. Not that he’s needed one in awhile, but there’s no harm in being prepared.

 

Remus carefully pushes Sirius onto his back and hands him the lube, sitting back to give him some space. Sirius has done this part before, usually on his own, but occasionally with a partner. As he fingers himself open, he watches Remus, who is leaning back with wide eyes, stroking himself as he stares at Sirius with a hungry gaze. Sirius moans a little bit and tilts his head back, enjoying the way Remus reacts to the show.

 

Soon enough, Remus is underneath him once more, and Sirius is guiding him in slowly, trying to stay relaxed as they ease together, with Remus holding his hips gently, moving as little as possible as Sirius takes control of the situation. Once he’s settled against Remus’ hips, he looks down questioningly. “Um, ok, should i just… ?”

 

“Do whatever feels good. I won’t- just focus on you.” Remus’ voice is steady, but his chest is rising and falling rapidly, and his fingers are trembling ever so slightly as he moves them to rest against the sheets.

 

Sirius decides to take him at his word as he starts to move, playing around with the angles and positioning until he feels a jolt of pleasure as Remus’ dick hits _that spot_ inside of him, causing his to gasp and grip his own dick firmly.

 

Sirius closes his eyes as he moves, blocking out everything else around him as he focuses on the sensations around him, _in_ him, working his dick and enjoying the feeling of his orgasm racing closer and closer. He’s never fucked like this before, able to keep his concentration fully on his own pleasure without having to worry about his partner’s issues. Still, it’s more intimate even than Sirius had expected. Being this close to Remus is fucking awesome, but it’s also intense in a way that Sirius isn’t sure he’s comfortable with. He pushes away his uneasiness as he gets closer and closer- just a bit more- yes- _fuck-_

 

Sirius grits his teeth as he comes all over Remus’ stomach, letting out a shaking breath as he opens his eyes finally. He’s startled to see Remus’ face a few inches from his own, looking up at him fiercely, a pained expression on his face. Sirius feels slightly awkward as he sits up a bit, still moving his hips slightly.

 

“Um, I’m good, so you can, you know…” Sirius moves again, making Remus’ eyes go even wider. His hands fly to Sirius’ hips, grabbing him as he begins to thrust, prsesing his head back against the pillow before letting out a choked moan as he pulses deep inside Sirius, pulling him closer, as if he’s trying to meld them together.

 

Sirius’ heart is pounding as he slides off of Remus, lying next to him on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Fuck. That was- it was amazing, for sure, and much more enjoyable than any other encounter that Sirius has been forced to endure. Still, lying there in the aftermath, as Remus deals with the condom and passes him a handful of tissues, Sirius feels a knot in his stomach.

 

This was a lot. Maybe too much.

 

Sirius isn’t sure how he feels. He’s pleased that he was able to make Remus come apart like that. He’s enjoyed the intimacy of being so close to someone he cares about so deeply. The orgasm itself was pretty good as well, of course.

 

But as Sirius silently passes his sticky tissues back to Remus, he knows. This is too overwhelming. It’s _too much._ He isn’t sure of the reasoning as to _why_ he can’t do this, he only knows that he _can’t._ At least, not the way everyone else can.

 

Sirius is struggling to come up with the right words to explain why he feels so uncomfortable, so _wrong._ He’s kicking himself for not being able to find the right words to describe how he’s feeling to Remus. _Maybe there aren’t any right words,_ Sirius thinks to himself. _Maybe this is just the way I am. Fuck._

 

Sirius knows he can’t hide what he’s feeling. Not from Remus. Remus would know. Besides, it’s not fair to either of them.

 

“I can’t do this.” Sirius’ voice is soft as he keeps his eyes trained upwards. He feels Remus shift on the bed.

 

“You can’t do what?” A hand rests itself gently on Sirius’ stomach. Sirius squeezes his eyes shut for a minute before continuing.

 

“I can’t- this can’t be an everyday thing. Or even an every week thing. I can’t- it’s too much for me.”

 

Sirius is prepared for multiple reactions from Remus. Anger, irritation, shame. He’s not prepared for Remus to chuckle and wrap his arm tightly around Sirius’ waist.

 

“Fuck, Pads. If we did this every week, you’d kill me. That was… I can’t even explain it.”

 

Sirius looks over at Remus in confusion. Remus is grinning at him, as if Sirius hasn’t just outed himself as a pathetic loser who can’t even bone his boyfriend normally.

 

Remus leans over to cup Sirius’ face in his hand. “You said you wanted to try, and you did. And now we know.”

 

Sirius grabs his lower lip between his teeth. “Yeah, but… I thought I could do it, and I… I can’t.”

 

Remus lies back, pulling Sirius’ head to rest against his chest. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want. And when you _do_ want to, I’ll be here. But you don’t _have_ to.” Remus hugs him tighter, burying his face in Sirius’ hair.

 

“I don’t want to sound like a sappy asshole, but… this is perfect. Right here, you and me. This is what I want.”

 

“You absolutely sound like a sappy asshole. How’d I get such a loser for a boyfriend?” Sirius snickers as he presses his face to Remus’ chest, smacking away the hand that sneaks down to try and pinch his side.

 

Remus doesn’t say anything as he rolls over, nudging Sirius onto his side and spooning him tightly, placing a kiss against the base of his neck and lacing their fingers together. Sirius smiles to himself as he feels Remus’ breath tickle his ear.

 

Maybe he’s not like everyone else. Maybe he won’t ever be like everyone else. Maybe he can’t be everything that Remus deserves. Maybe he and Remus won’t ever have the same sort of relationship that most couples have.

 

But maybe that’s just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t usually comment on my musical selection for each chapter (even though I spend far too much time obsessions over each song that gets added to the playlist), but this week I will make an exception regarding Frank Ocean’s Thinkin Bout You. 
> 
> Palo Alto is a story about young, queer men of color living in the US, and it would have been remiss for me not to feature music from Frank, a Black, openly bisexual male artist. This particular song is widely believed to be written about the first man he ever loved. It details Frank looking back at the end of their relationship and wondering what he could have done differently to make things work out. Although he is not currently with the object of his affections, he still has hope for what the future might bring.
> 
> I can imagine Remus lying on his bed with his headphones in, listening to this song during the time when he and Sirius are starting to drift apart, wondering if he’s making the right decisions, wondering if perhaps he should have made his feelings clearer to Sirius, wondering if anything he did would even matter, if Sirius doesn’t feel the same way?
> 
> This is also a contrast to another Frank Ocean song used earlier in the fic, Novacane, during the club scene where Sirius is watching Remus and Caradoc together. That song is also a look back at a past relationship, reminiscing on how good things were, while knowing that he’ll never be able to get that feeling back again. Sirius and Remus’ relationship has changed since that point in time, and although things still aren’t perfect, Thinkin Bout You has that hopeful vibe that Novacane was lacking.
> 
> Anyway… why am I like this? Here’s the link to the updated playlist:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! There will be one more wrap-up chapter coming next Tuesday. I appreciate all of your support more than you know!
> 
> Check me out on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) for all things Marauders and Wolfstar related.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burritos and beginnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TW for this chapter, just sit back and enjoy!

**_Monday, June 2, 2014, 10:06am_ **

 

Sirius isn’t sure how long he’s been awake, exactly. His stomach is rumbling a little, but it’s not enough to rouse him from bed, not when he’s got Remus wrapped around him. Remus’ arm is thrown protectively around his chest, with their fingers laced together. Sirius can feel light puffs of breath ruffling his hair rhythmically. No, he definitely doesn’t want to get up. He’s content to stay right where he is, running his thumb gently along the edge of Remus’ finger.

 

Sirius notices with a start that Remus’ breathing is not as deep and even as it once was. Grinning to himself, he digs a nail into Remus’ hand. He’s rewarded with a hiss and a knee to the back of his thigh.

 

“You awake, Moons?” Sirius feels Remus trying halfheartedly to wriggle his hand free from Sirius’ grasp, but Sirius only smirks and grips him tighter.

 

“No.” Remus’ voice is muffled as he pressed his face into Sirius’ hair.

 

“Are too.”

 

“M’not. Shut up.”

 

“You shut up. You’re the sleeping one.”

 

Remus grumbles as he pulls Sirius closer. “S’just sleep talking. And sleep listening. So shut up.”

 

Sirius turns to face Remus, letting their joined hands fall between them. Remus’ eyes are scrunched shut in defiance. Sirius brushes a hand across his curls before pinching his nose.

 

“Augh! Why!?” Remus smacks Sirius on the shoulder half heartedly, letting his eyes creep open. “S’too early. You wore me out last night.” Remus is grinning as he moves to kiss Sirius’ forehead. Sirius rolls his eyes, pretending like he’s not blushing.

 

They hadn’t gone back to the party last night. Instead, they’d holed up in Sirius’ room, playing the rest of the  _ channel ORANGE _ album, talking about nothing in particular, exchanging kisses and arm punches, ignoring the shitfaced people who occasionally slammed into the door and rattled the handle.

 

Whatever nervousness Sirius had been feeling last night has long since evaporated. Sure, he’s still a little frustrated with himself, and there’s still a small bit of self doubt twisting around in his stomach. But he’s not nervous. Not about Remus. Not about the future. How can he be, when Remus spent all of last night running his fingers through Sirius’ hair, laughing at his shitty jokes, smiling as he pressed his face against Sirius’ neck? What’s there to be nervous about, when he got to spend the entire night wrapped safely in Remus’ arms?

 

Remus’ stomach gurgles loudly. Sirius chuckles as he gives it a poke. “You hungry? Want a burrito?”

 

“Mmmmmmm yes.” Remus slaps a hand over his stomach as it gurgles again. “But I don’t think Prongs is back with them yet. We’d have heard him by now.”

 

Sirius stops jabbing Remus’ stomach long enough to listen. Sure enough, the house is silent. James and Peter must not be back yet with the traditional post-BFD breakfast burritos. Usually it’s irritating that James is perpetually up by 8am, even the day after a bender, banging around the house and generally being a disruptive asshole, but when Sirius is getting a burrito out of it, he’s not one to complain.

 

Sirius notices that Remus is chewing on his lower lip, blinking more than usual. He raises an eyebrow questioningly. “Something on your mind?”

 

Remus closes his eyes for a second, rubbing one with his fist before sighing and opening them again to meet Sirius’ gaze. “I’m- you know I’ve been looking- I’m… I’ve got a list of grad school options. Was thinking you might take a look at them for me.” He pauses, reaching out to brush Sirius’ hair behind his ear. “You were right, you know. Doesn’t hurt to try. Even if it’s a long shot.”

 

Sirius smirks as he grabs Remus’ hand, pressing a kiss to his wrist before nipping at his pinky. “I’m always right, Moony. Especially when it comes to dictating other people’s lives. And it’s not a long shot. You’re fucking awesome. Plus just let us know your first choice, and Prongs and I’ll fuck up all the other applications.”

 

Remus groans, covering his eyes. “You know, shit like that isn’t funny because I know you’d actually do it. You guys are… I don’t even know.” Remus sounds exasperated, but Sirius can see a smile forming at the corners of his mouth.

 

“We’re awesome. That’s what we are. Besides, you won’t need us to sabotage anything. You’ve got this. You’ll- it’ll be fine.” Sirius watches Remus carefully as he uncovers his eyes, letting his hand drop so his fingers can drum against the sheets.

 

“Yeah, well… it might be fine, but it might not be. Lots of things have been fine lately. Only a matter of time til they aren’t anymore.”

 

Sirius rests a hand over Remus’, stilling his fingers. “That’s bullshit. There’s not- we don’t have to  _ pay for it  _ when things go well. Life’s not like that. It’s not  _ fair.  _ There’s no rhyme or reason. The universe is indifferent. Shit just happens.”

 

Remus rolls his eyes, though he’s smiling again. “I should never have let you watch  _ Rick and Morty. _ The nihilism is getting to you.”

 

Sirius snickers as he gives Remus’ hand a squeeze. “I’m just telling it like it is. Also, yes, I’d love to look over your list. I’ll help you proofread your essays and shit, too. Go with you on campus visits or- whatever you need.”

 

“I know you will.” Remus is still smiling, that sunny grin that makes Sirius’ toes curl, even now. “You’ve always- you know.”

 

“Yeah.” Sirius pauses, turning to lie on his back and peer up at the ceiling, scooting over so Remus can throw an arm around his waist. “At least you know what you want. Even if you aren’t sure you’ll get it. I’m still fucking clueless.” 

 

“You aren’t clueless. We’re young still. We don’t need to have our whole lives planned out.” Remus’ voice is soothing in his ear, but Sirius’ stomach is still knotting up a little.

 

“Maybe not, but all of you know. Lily knows. Prongs knows. Shit, even Peter knows, what with having his old man’s properties to manage. I’m the only one who doesn’t know.”

 

Remus is quiet for a minute. He pulls Sirius closer, brushing a kiss across his cheek. “Like I said. You don’t have to know. And I’m… I mean, applications aren’t due til the fall so… there’s no rush for me, you know? And maybe by then… you might know. Or you might want to… we could… I mean, I don’t know where I’m going to end up, so…”

 

Remus tenses up as he trails off, not finishing his thought. Sirius looks over at him. His face is pressed against Sirius’ shoulder, but a faint pink tinge is coloring his cheeks adorably.

 

Sirius feels giddy as he throws an arm over Remus, pulling him closer to bury his face in those curls. “You’re right. There’s no rush.”

 

Remus lets out the breath that he’s been holding. Neither of them say anything else as they lie together, enjoying the silence. Remus moves his head, turning his face up to look at Sirius. He moves in gently for a kiss, slow and sweet, which Sirius returns eagerly, threading his fingers through Remus’ hair and hooking their ankles together. Sirius loves hearing Remus make those little sighs of contentment as their lips move together. His dick might not get why kissing is so great, but Sirius’ heart absolutely gets the hype.

 

A crashing sound coming from the kitchen makes them jump apart in surprise.

 

_ “SHIT! SHHHHH WORMY! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!” _ James’ whisper is anything but quiet, even though Sirius knows that he’s giving it his best effort. Remus shakes with laughter as he presses his head to Sirius’ chest.

 

Sirius sighs in mock exasperation, even as he chuckles along with Remus. “I guess the burritos are here. You ready to get up?”

 

“No. But let’s get up anyway before Prongs makes any more racket.” Remus sits up, stretching a bit before feeling around on the floor for his shirt.

 

Sirius is grumbling as Remus throws him his own shirt, but he’s not terribly upset. He’ll be back here tonight, wrapped up in Remus’ arms. He’ll be back here every night for a long time, hopefully. 

 

Breakfast burritos, on the other hand, are a limited time offer, especially with James and Peter on the loose.

  
  


**_Monday, June 2, 2014, 11:06am_ **

 

“So, how many burritos can I eat?” Sirius’ mouth is full as he poses the question. James covers his eyes in disgust, throwing a balled up napkin at Sirius’ head.

 

“Fucking gross, Pads! Ugh!” James wrinkles up his nose as shifts in his lounge chair to turn away from Sirius. The four marauders are sitting out on the patio by the pool, enjoying the fresh air and letting their guests sleep in while they stuff their faces.

 

Sirius swallows a mouthful of egg, cheese and potato before throwing the napkin back at James. “Whatever, Prongs. Answer the question. Who’s in the house, anyway? Do I need to go lock my door?”

 

“Nah, only chill people left. Most people Ubered home, thankfully.” James scowls as he plucks a potato out of his burrito and flicks it at Sirius. “Thanks for ditching last night and leaving Wormy and me to host, by the way. Lazy asshole.”

 

“Hey! How come I’m getting shit, and Moony’s off the hook?” Sirius glares pointedly at Remus, who is calmly eating his burrito and scrolling through his phone, ignoring the others.

 

“Moony’s always the innocent one. Even when he’s not all that innocent. It’s all relative.” James is grinning as he takes an unnecessarily huge bite of his burrito.  “Anyways, we’ve got… Lily, Marls, Dorcas, Reg, two Prewetts, four rugby players, and two randoms. I got twenty two burritos, so we have a few extra. Moony, I got two vegan ones, so you’ve got a spare if you want it.”

 

“Thanks, but one’s good for me.” Remus is grinning as he looks back down at his phone. “Nice. Instagram is awesome this morning.” He holds out his phone to Sirius, who laughs as he sees the picture. Reg is standing very still, smiling awkwardly as Marlene and Dorcas make out next to him. At the edge of the photo, an airborne water balloon can be seen making its way towards Reg’s head.

 

“Well, I’m sure you eavesdropping assholes know this already, but I have an announcement.” James is beaming as he lays his burrito down carefully on the patio table, brushing the crumbs off his shorts before clearing his throat and continuing. “Lily and I… are officially dating.”

 

James looks around expectantly, though his face falls when he realizes that none of the marauders are reacting with the appropriate level of excitement. “I mean, like, we’re  _ dating. _ For real. We’re an actual couple.”

 

“That’s awesome, Prongs.” Remus smiles brightly before turning back to his phone. Peter has not bothered responding. Sirius assumes that he’s already been forced to listen to James wax poetic about Lily as they waited for their twenty two burritos to be rolled.

 

“It’s more than awesome, it’s a fucking miracle!” James is irate now as he slumps back in his seat, folding his arms over his chest. “I supported you two when you finally got  _ your _ shit together. A little reciprocation would be nice.”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes at James’ dramatics. “That’s different. Moony and I were a couple of hopeless assholes. It’s a miracle that we  _ ever _ got our shit together. You and Lily are smarter. Well, Lily is. It was only a matter of time until she locked you down.”

 

James scoffs, but he’s grinning. “Yeah. She’s something, isn’t she? I’m too fucking lucky.” He folds his arms behind his head, smirking. “She slept in my room last night, you know.”

 

“So did Marls, Dorcas, Reg and me.” Peter’s tone is dry as he opens his second burrito.

 

James narrows his eyes irritably, sitting up and gripping the armrests of his chair. “Yeah well, she was in  _ my _ bed, okay? It was fucking romantic.”

 

“Reg and I were in your bed too.” Peter’s tone is mild as he takes a huge bite. Sirius bites back his laughter at James’ enraged expression.

 

“Yeah well, you two were at the fucking foot of the bed! Lily was curled up next to me  _ in my own fucking bed  _ and I’ll be damned if you take that away from me!”

 

“Alright, simmer down.” Remus is using his soothing voice, which seems to be working as James sits back and relaxes slightly. “Prongs, that’s awesome news. You two are great together.”

 

James is grinning again as he picks up his burrito and continues chowing down. “Yeah, we are. Shit, man, everything’s going well for once.” He stops talking for a moment, chewing in silence as he eyes Remus with concern. Sirius knows that James is looking for signs of distress, hints that he might be headed towards another Moony Spiral of Doom. Sirius can’t help but blush a little when Remus looks over at him, raising the corner of his mouth into a small smile, which Sirius returns with gusto.

 

James seems satisfied with Remus’ reaction as he continues talking. “Anyways, this summer is going to be lit. We’ve gotta get ready for Pride this month. Marls and I already started talking plans. We’ve got a Pinterest board going, if y’all want to contribute.”

 

Sirius sighs heavily. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Why do we need  _ plans? _ Can’t we just go and be queer like we do every year?”

 

“This isn’t  _ like _ any other year!” James looks indignant as a dollop of salsa falls onto his lap. “Every other year we just go to support Moony. And Wormy, I guess.” He looks questioningly over at Peter, who shrugs unconcernedly. James turns back to Sirius and continues his lecture.

 

“This is your first year out, Pads! We’ve gotta make gay pride signs and ace pride- oh, Marls found this Etsy site that sells really cool looking beanies in all sorts of pride colors, we should buy some-”

 

“I’m not wearing a fucking beanie! It’s June! I’m not getting heat stroke.” Sirius makes sure that his voice sounds exasperated, but he’s secretly pleased with how excited James is getting. Not that he’s surprised, really. James has always thrown himself full-body into supporting his friends, no questions asked.

 

James waves a hand impatiently, muttering a curse under his breath as more filling drips out of his burrito. “This is NorCal. It won’t get any hotter than eighty. You’ll live. Anyway, I’ve got to get trans pride stuff too, for Lily, of course, now that she’s my girlfriend… holy shit.” James leans back against his chair with a silly grin on his face. “She’s my girlfriend.” He stops talking, miraculously, as he takes another bite of his burrito, chewing away in happy silence.

 

Sirius is reluctant to break the lull in conversation, but he speaks up as he crumples his tinfoil burrito wrapper into a ball. “Reg wants me to go to graduation, I think. If anyone wants to come so I’m not bored off my ass for fifteen hours or however long it is. Dunno how many tickets he gets, but…” He trails off and tosses his tinfoil ball at Remus, who makes no indication that he’s noticed as it bounces off the side of his head and rolls into the pool.

 

“No worries. I pinged Dad about it last night. He and Mom are in, and they’ll get as many tickets as we need. Baller donor perks and all that.” James stuffs the last bit of his breakfast into his mouth before balling up his own trash and tossing it at Sirius. Sirius catches it in one hand without really looking. He’s too busy glaring as James suspiciously.

 

“Why would your parents want to go to my brother’s graduation? Shit, why would  _ you _ want to go?

 

James looks at Sirius as if he’s just asked why the sky is blue, or why Chipotle should not charge extra for guacamole, or something else that is blatantly self evident. “It’s graduation. Reg should have family there. Even if it’s not his family, technically.”

 

He reaches his hands up to catch the tinfoil ball that Sirius throws back at him. “Besides, I’ve gotta support my new business partner.” He grins as Remus and Sirius look over at him in genuine surprise.

 

“That’s right. Sorry Pads, but I’ve moved on. Reg and I are going to do the startup thing. I’ve got the sexy tech ideas, he’s got the boring business know-how. Together, we’ll be unstoppable.”

 

“That’s… actually a pretty good idea.” Remus looks thoughtful as he carefully wraps up the remaining third of his burrito and sets it down on the patio table. “Reg seems sharp. He’ll be able to reign you in when you get all… Prongs-like.”

 

James lets out a snort of laughter. “Thanks, Moony. I assume that’s a tactful way of saying he’ll stop me from acting like an asshole and scaring off investors.”

 

Remus laughs as he runs a hand through his curls. “Yeah, well… you said it, I didn’t.”

 

Sirius snickers as James tosses the tinfoil ball towards Remus, who swats it away into the pool to float alongside the first one. “This better mean I’m off the hook from having to listen to all your pestering. More power to you and Reg, but I’m not cut out for that shit. You can hire me on as a high-priced consultant when you make it big and I’ll ride your coattails. That’s more my speed.”

 

James raises an eyebrow as Sirius, flickering his gaze to Remus and back again. “Yeah… you and I will always be ride or die but… time to do our own things now, right?”

 

“Definitely.” Sirius looks over at Remus, grinning. Remus flashes one of his smiles in return, before leaning over to pick up his leftover burrito piece and hand it over to Sirius, who takes it wordlessly. As he unwraps it and takes his first bite, he wrinkles his nose warningly at James, who is looking back and forth between Remus and Sirius with an annoyingly smug expression plastered across his face.

 

“Stop staring, you creeper. Put on the music. The freeloaders have slept in long enough. They need to grab their food and get the hell out of my house.” 

 

James obeys Sirius’ request as he gets up and walks over to the patio door to slip in the house and fire up the sound system, although he doesn’t wipe that knowing smirk off his face for a second. Childish Gambino’s  _ 3005 _ starts up shortly. Sirius hopes that it’s loud enough to rouse their remaining guests before Peter eats the remaining burritos.

 

“We’ve gotta plan for Bangalore too. Do you think it’s too soon to invite Lily along to meet the family?” James’ brow is furrowed as he sits back in his chair.

 

“You’ve been dating for less than twelve hours. Yes, it is too soon to ask her to fly halfway around the world to spend a month with six hundred of your closest relatives.” Remus’ tone is dry as he continues to scroll through his phone.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.” A slow smile spreads across James’ face. “I’ll wait til it’s been twenty four hours. Then I’ll ask. Aren’t you proud of my restraint?”

 

Peter, Remus and Sirius exchange glances as they shake their heads in defeat.

 

“You’re all in, right? Even you, Moony? You’ve got to come this year. Your doc says it’s cool, right?” James nudges the bottom of Remus’ foot with his toe. Remus chews on his lower lip for a few moments, sneaking a quick peek at Sirius before nodding in the affirmative.

 

“Yeah. I’ll go. I should have funds for a ticket, although it depends on when you’re planning on leaving-”

 

“We leave on Friday, July eleventh. And your ticket is already booked.” James looks over at Remus calmly, ignoring his shocked expression. “Don’t even. I booked all four of us. Business refundable, so if you decided to punk out we’d still get our money back. Not that I’m going to let you punk out.”

 

“Prongs, I- that’s so much money…” Remus looks flushed as he drops his phone into his lap and begins picking at one of his cuticles.

 

“Moony, it’s a twenty hour flight. You’re not going to want to be wedged in economy.” Peter sounds matter-of-fact as he crumples his own trash into a ball before getting up and walking over to the edge of the pool to fish the other pieces out. “If you argue with Prongs, he’ll just get all aggro, and you know you’ll end up capitulating in the end anyway. So can we just skip ahead to the part where you agree to go?”

 

Remus sighs, throwing up his hands in defeat. “Fine. Y’all are assholes, but fine.” Remus is trying to keep a straight face, but it cracks as he looks over at James. “Thanks, man. For… thanks.”

 

“Thank  _ you _ for putting up with me all these years.” James is leaning back in his chair, tapping his toe to the beat of the music.

 

Sirius jumps as he feels a pressure on his hand. He looks over to see Remus hand resting on top of his own. Remus is not looking at him, focusing all of his attention on his phone once again. Sirius grins to himself as he settles back in his chair, enjoying the feel of Remus’ fingers tapping lightly against his own.

 

Sirius turns his palm over so that their fingers can lace together. He gives Remus’ hand a gentle squeeze. He knows that Remus is nervous about the future. Shit, it’s not like Sirius  _ isn’t, _ exactly. 

 

He just knows that no matter how shitty things get, they will still be infinitely better than he ever thought they could be, as long as he’s got Remus by his side. And Sirius is going to do everything in his power to make sure that Remus always feels the same way.

  
  


**_***FLASHBACK, 5 YEARS PRIOR***_ **

 

**_Saturday, May 30, 2009, 2:06pm_ **

 

“YOU’RE DEAD, YOU FUCKER!” James is screaming at the top of his lungs, but Sirius can barely hear him over the sound of Beyonce belting out  _ Single Ladies. _ He darts out of the way as James lets loose a spray of water in his direction, ducking behind one of the pool chairs.

 

“NOT TODAY, FOOL!” Sirius comes barrelling out from behind the chair, blasting James with his Super Soaker water gun as he runs towards the patio door, sliding it open and standing in the doorway triumphantly.

 

“No fair, you asshole! No spraying in the house!” James is crouched behind one of the pool chairs, peeking out every so often to glare at Sirius.

 

“I’m not spraying in the house, I’m spraying at you. I’m not breaking any rules.” Sirius takes careful aim, hitting James squarely on the nose the next time he peers around the edge of the chair.

 

“FUCK! Yeah, but if you’re standing there, I can’t spray you. No fair!” James sounds irate as he cowers in his hiding place.

 

Sirius laughs, spraying the back of the chair, which isn’t completely waterproof. “It’s your rule, not mine.”

 

“Hmm, it  _ is _ my rule. In that case… _ FUCK THE RULES!”  _ James is laughing maniacally as he charges out from behind the chair, spraying Sirius in the face, not giving a shit that there’s water spraying into the kitchen.

 

“AUGH, FUCK! You cheater, you-  _ fuck, _ I’m empty!” Sirius pumps his Super Soaker furiously, but nothing comes out. James keeps laughing as he drenches Sirius, not stopping until his own Super Soaker is spent.

 

“Fuck you!” Sirius is laughing as he pulls his sopping wet shirt off, flinging it at James. “Now the floor’s all wet. I’m not cleaning this shit up.”

 

James is ignoring him as he does an exaggerated version of the  _ Single Ladies _ dance. Sirius flips him off, shaking his hair like a dog, letting droplets of water fly everywhere.

 

“Um, excuse me? Hello?” Sirius jumps as the tentative voice piping up behind him. He turns around quickly to see a boy around his age standing in the kitchen, a healthy distance away from Sirius so as to avoid being splashed. He’s got his hands shoved deep in his front pockets, stunners pushed up into his curls, lower lip caught between his teeth. 

 

Sirius is startled as their eyes meet. The boy’s gaze drifts subtly down to Sirius’ bare chest quickly before he meets Sirius’ eyes once more, His expression doesn’t change, but Sirius notices a faint blush on his cheeks. He can feel his own stomach knotting a bit for some reason as he stares at the boy curiously.

 

“Yo, dude! Who are you? Why’re you in our house?” James’ voice pulls Sirius’ concentration away from the strange boy. James is standing behind Sirius now, peering over his shoulder with interest.

 

The boy’s eyes dart nervously back and forth between them. “Um, I’m Remus? You said to drop by today around two? About the room for rent? Your front door was open.”

 

Sirius can barely hear him over all the Beyonce. Cursing under his breath, he walks over to the sound system to lower the volume. James is laughing as he comes into the kitchen, holding out his hand to the stranger.

 

“That fucking door. Need to fix the latch. If we don’t lock it, it blows open. Shit, it’s two already? Sorry, man. Nice to meet you. I’m James, and this is Sirius. Sorry, we’re a little- we were out for brunch and we stopped at Toys R’ Us on the way home. Lost track of time.” He brandishes his Super Soaker in the air.

 

Sirius cringes as the boy raises an eyebrow. James is so fucking embarrassing sometimes.

 

“Um, it’s okay. Look, my… friend is waiting for me outside in the car. Maybe this was… I should just go, come back another time.” The boy starts backing away slowly. Sirius can tell from his body language that he has no intentions of returning.

 

“No, no! It’s chill, man. The room needs to be painted, but you can take a look if you want. Really. We’re not usually like this. Well… I mean we are but, we’re normal, I swear.” James is grinning, still holding his hand out.

 

The boy pulls one hand from his pocket to return the handshake. “Um, alright. I mean… the rent you listed on Craigslist. It’s not a type-o, right? Seems pretty low… you aren’t going to murder me or anything? Or- you’re not cooking in the basement or something?” The boy still seems wary as he shakes James’ hand, though he’s relaxed ever so slightly.

 

“Cooking? Nah, we don’t cook much. But we just moved in so I dunno. And there’s no basement. Why do you ask?” James looks slightly confused. Sirius rolls his eyes. James is so clueless.

 

The boy is biting back a smile as he meets Sirius gaze again for a moment. “No reason. Sounds good.”

 

“Cool. Yeah, we’re keeping the rent low because we don’t really need the money. We just want someone chill. You’re starting at Stanford too, right?” James still has that friendly smile on his face, and the boy finally responds with a sunny smile of his own, a smile that makes Sirius grin involuntarily like a jackass.

 

“Yeah, I am. I’m in Oakland right now. Got a week left til graduation.” The boy shifts his stance slightly, wincing a bit as if in pain. “Um, when would you want me to move in? If, you know, it works out?”

 

James laughs and claps the boy on the shoulder. “Oh, I’m sure it’ll work out. Remus, right? And there’s no rush. Like I said, we’ve still gotta paint. I assume you’ll want to chill with your fam for the summer, save some cash, but how does the first of August sound for moving in?”

 

The boy looks down at the floor for a moment. “I’m not staying with the fam right now. I don’t really have any… I mean, I  _ do,  _ but not… not really.”

 

Sirius’ stomach knots up, thinking of his own shitty family. “I get it. Same here.” The boy looks over at him inquisitively. Sirius isn’t sure what his deal is, but he’s not going to pry. Shitty families are private business.

 

James looks aghast. “Where are you staying then? You need to move in sooner? It’s no problem.”

 

The boy shrugs. “Nah, I’m in an AirBNB. It’s fine. I can wait til y’all paint and everything.”

 

“No, it’s no worries. You can move in right after graduation. Hell, move in now if you don’t mind the commute.” James is using his bossy voice. Sirius smirks. This poor bastard doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into. Potters can never resist taking in a stray. Lucky for Sirius.

 

The boy blushes again, which makes him look pretty adorable, in Sirius’ opinion. “Nah, it’s fine, I can just-”

 

“No! Look, Pads and I will get the room painted this week, and you can move in next weekend. It’ll be fine. It’ll be awesome.” James’ tone makes it clear that the subject is closed.

 

The boy looks slightly confused. “Pads?”

 

“Oh, right. Padfoot. That’s Sirius’ nickname. Pads for short.” James walks over to throw an arm around Sirius’ shoulders.

 

The boy looks down at Sirius’ feet for a moment, grinning. “Okay then. How’d you get that nickname?” 

 

Sirius shrugs noncommittally. “I don’t know. How does anyone get a nickname? They just sort of happen, you know?”

 

The boy laughs at this, making Sirius grin even wider. “I guess so.” He cocks his head to the side as  _ Day 'N' Nite _ starts playing. “Oh, nice. You know Kid Cudi?”

 

“Obviously.” James walks over to turn the music up slightly. “One thing you have to know about me is that I’m a bit of a music snob.”

 

Sirius snorts at this, but James ignores him. The boy- Remus, his name is Remus, Sirius is pretty sure that’s what James said- smiles and shakes his head. “You heard any of the remixes? They’re pretty good.”

 

“Nah, I haven’t. Are they on Youtube or SoundCloud? Can we listen to them?” James runs over to the kitchen table to open his laptop.

 

“Yeah, I think so. I can find them.” Remus’ gaze drifts over to the various bongs and pipes that are sitting on the kitchen counter. James had cleaned them all earlier this morning. “I assume y’all are four twenty friendly?”

 

“Who isn’t around here?” James snickers as he pulls up Youtube on his laptop. “You wanna smoke? Get that roomie bonding experience started?”

 

Remus hesitates before replying. “Well, like I said, I’ve got someone waiting for me outside. His van’s parked out front.”

 

“Tell him to come in and get lit!” James gestures to Sirius. “Pads, get the stash.”

 

“Oh, no need. Pete’s got some good shit on him. I’ll just… I can go get him. If that’s okay?” Remus’ question is general, but he’s looking at Sirius as he asks it.

 

Sirius nods slowly. “Yeah sure. More the merrier. Go grab him and tell him to come on in.”

 

“Okay then. Great.” Remus seems happy as he turns to walk back towards the front door. Sirius grabs his favorite R2D2 bong from the counter before sliding into the seat next to James at the kitchen table.

 

“He seems chill, right? I think he’ll work out.” James is typing away on his laptop not looking at Sirius.

 

Sirius nods, more to himself than to James, thinking about Remus and that bright, happy smile of his. “Yeah. He does seem chill. I think you’re right, for once. He’ll work out. He’ll work out just fine.”

 

**_FIN_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it. This is by far the longest story I’ve ever written. I’m so excited that we finally made it to the end!
> 
> Updated Spotify playlist here:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/nachodiablofic/playlist/5AY1XYJR8NzY91v6cOnaJF
> 
> I would not have made it past chapter two if it wasn’t for Wereflamingo and Mirgaxus, the best writing buddies anyone could ask for. Honestly, you two are amazing, and I’m very lucky to be your friend. <3 
> 
> I want to thank all of you who have been reading with me, especially those who have been here every week from the beginning. All of your kind and supportive kudos, comments and messages, both here and on Tumblr, have kept me motivated to update each week. Even if you’ve only been reading along, please know that I’m grateful for your support, and I hope you’ve enjoyed the story.


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